xMM still resents my "betrayal" after divulging affair

[Pjonstone]

Thanking the heavens I finally found someplace to talk openly about what I've gone through!

Hope this all makes sense - my mind's a bit foggy today.

 

 

Brief background - this was a 3 yr., mainly online/emotional affair though we did meet for a week at one point. I was brought into their home & marriage nearly every weekday through Skype so I had a very intimate look at their marriage and marital issues. So yes, I know the stories he told of her were very close to reality - she was VERY abusive emotionally/mentally and sometimes physically (not bodily) violent. I knew he DID want out and was making plans to do just that. I knew that she put him in a mix of father/roommate/kid role, alternately lol. I knew that the sex was a huge issue (he had ED issues with her). The A ended after his mother passed (and BW had worn him down - during his mother's struggle with cancer - with shame/guilt/emotional manipulation) & probably because he kept getting caught/had never been honest with her about his intentions.

 

 

But she was also very human and, having been the betrayed myself in my marriage (that ended during that time), I felt I owed her honesty. There were other reasons for my actions as well but that was, above all, my main intent. So she could finally confirm all she'd already guessed and be able to either accept her marriage and work on it with openness or make an informed choice to end it. Would I do the same way again? I'm not so sure now.

 

 

For four months I had NC with xMM. Over the past few months we've messaged back & forth through FB because after what was an amazing love, we felt we could turn that into an amazing friendship of support.

 

 

Now, come to find out, he's still very angry with me for my betraying his trust and can't get it out of his mind that I'd contacted his wife.

My problem here is this....I'm rather floored by the fact that he can focus so intently on my "betrayal" after what he's done to his wife. kwim?! The pot calling the kettle black sort-of-thing And I'm experiencing such a loss of faith in myself and my beliefs it's hard to face my own guilt over my part in the A.

 

 

Yet, at the same time, I know it did hurt him DEEPLY and makes him feel as though I never really loved him. I know that we still have this incredible open communication between us. We're still both wanting to see the best for each other.

I guess my problem is, if he wants to try to work through it and continue the friendship, do I do that? I'm not entirely sure if he's been struggling with this all along or just the past few weeks (I have asked). I'm not sure if perhaps we both need a little more time to heal or if I should just leave him alone.

 

 

Has anyone else been through this? Or have any helpful thoughts? I'm probably strong enough to face it and take some blame there but is it healthy for me to do so at this point?

And please know that we do still have a deep affection for each other and do still care what happens to the other. So, this issue looming between us is one I feel needs to be addressed since it was important enough for him to raise. He did say he feels we can work through it but darn, I don't want to feel the condemnation (I feel like he's passing on what he's getting at home - that was a mini-theme in our relationship when shame was heaped on him by the wife).

Edited May 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs.

[WhatNext70]

How, when and why did you contact his wife? I'm surprised he still talks to you at all.

[Pjonstone]

Wow! Thought this was a forum for support. The how, when and why of it I thought I described above. His wife already KNEW - she just didn't know who with (as I said I was privy to a lot of conversations she had with him so I knew she already knew...she merely wanted to know with whom).

As for the Why he'd forgive....because that's what people do to help one another heal and move on? Because we didn't stop loving or caring for one another - we just stopped something that was wrong?

LFH, don't be so quick to judge. I HAD tried multiple times to leave the affair. Had even gone no contact with him at one point for a few months. It was very hard for either of us to let the other go. But we're both adults that learn from our mistakes and have enough self-control to remain friends only. Its not like I'm gonna hop on a plane and travel 2000 miles to be around him either. And, for the record, I have NO INTENTION WHATSOEVER of ever getting back into the affair with him nor any other man in the future who's married, living with someone, or even dating someone else. NO THANKS!!!

Thanks for support.

Edited May 31, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

I knew that she put him in a mix of father/roommate/kid role, alternately lol. I knew that the sex was a huge issue (he had ED issues with her). The A ended after his mother passed (and BW had worn him down - during his mother's struggle with cancer - with shame/guilt/emotional manipulation) & probably because he kept getting caught/had never been honest with her about his intentions.

 

You know? Just from online contact and meeting him once for a week? Sorry to be blunt, but you only know what he's told you. Unless his wife confirmed his ED problems, you don't know if any of that is true.

 

And, he ended the affair because he wanted to, not because his wife tore him down - Anyway, rightfully so if she did! He was lying to her day in and day out, gas lighting her, so at least you confirmed her worst fears by telling her the truth. Though, with that said, not sure how you expect him to want to have you in his life after busting him to his wife. A's that end and that involve the OW telling the betrayed wife details of the A, the MM cuts the OW off for good. He doesn't trust you and since the A is over, he has every right to not want to keep contact or try being friends. Respect that and please let him be, focus on your own grieving and healing.

 

There are many people on here who are harsh but respectful, so grow a tough skin, be prepared to hear advice you may not like but do need to hear. Ignore the name calling and outright rude replies.

[whichwayisup]

Anyway, you did the right thing by telling his wife the truth and you say you felt she needed to know, yet you still plan on being in his life? What was the point of telling her? She won't want you being friends with him at all, she will more than likely watch his emails and tell him it's 'her or me' and guess who's gonna lose...

 

You told the truth and he's pissed at you, feels betrayed, boo hoo - The guy is a cheater and a liar to his wife daily and the fact he is turning it all on you just shows how immature he is, not to own his part in all this. It's easier for him to be angry at you than himself.

 

Why do you still want him in your life? Even if online?

[TaraMaiden]

All Actions reap consequences.

Sometimes they are obvious, other times less so.

 

However, whatever the consequences, no matter what you may feel about them - consequences, they are.

 

Accept the consequences of your actions.

 

You had an affair with a married man.

His wife suspected/knew.

You CHOSE to fill in the missing gaps.

He got mad at you.

 

Sadly, even though you did not gain the result you expected, or your actions achieved an unforeseen result - it is what it is.

 

Suck it up, accept, move on.

 

Useful Advice:

 

Avoid married men, if you consider advising their wives to subsequently be a good tactic.

It isn't.

And that's not your place.

[Saba]

Pjonstone,

people in the thick of their affair may come down on you for telling the wife as they put their AP needs above their own and have some lateral thinking justifications for their hardcore view (that they need not be honest because their AP is dishonest - birds of a feather and all that). Dont let them get you down. You had your reasons for coming clean and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for doing what you thought was right.

[TaraMaiden]

Pjonstone,

people in the thick of their affair may come down on you for telling the wife as they put their AP needs above their own and have some lateral thinking justifications for their hardcore view (that they need not be honest because their AP is dishonest - birds of a feather and all that). Dont let them get you down. You had your reasons for coming clean and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for doing what you thought was right.

 

Just for the record:

 

I am certainly not in any way shape or form reproaching the OP for any of her actions, nor am I certainly trying to make her feel guilty for them....

 

There is nothing there of reproach, just fact.

I am pointing out Actions always have Consequences.

 

She Acted.

The Consequences played out as they did.

 

we never ever have any control (to any huge degree) in how things play out.

All we can control is what we think, say and do.....

[TaraMaiden]

....having been the betrayed myself in my marriage ... I felt I owed her honesty.....that was, above all, my main intent. So she could finally confirm all she'd already guessed and be able to either accept her marriage and work on it with openness or make an informed choice to end it. Would I do the same way again? I'm not so sure now..

 

.... . His wife already KNEW - she just didn't know who with (as I said I was privy to a lot of conversations she had with him so I knew she already knew...she merely wanted to know with whom).

 

I think maybe there may be some confusion in the minds of those commenting here...

 

 

In the first post, you say she had 'guessed' he was having an affair, which you say you then confirmed...

 

In the subsequent post, you say she KNEW he was having an affair, she just didn't know the OW's identity.

 

Would you like to clarify?

[William]

As the thread starter has apparently chosen to read instead of addressing questions relevant to the topic, I'll close this up for now. Thanks for your participation.