justwondering77 Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 My wife had an affair in July of last year. Everything is pretty much back to normal except for that she won't kiss me. Now she will do little pecks and good night smacks but she won't really kiss me. We used to kiss all the time but since the affair nothing. She said she really doesn't know why. Any thoughts on what it could be and any advice for me? I really miss kissing my wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) My wife had an affair in July of last year. Everything is pretty much back to normal except for that she won't kiss me. Now she will do little pecks and good night smacks but she won't really kiss me. We used to kiss all the time but since the affair nothing. She said she really doesn't know why. Any thoughts on what it could be and any advice for me? I really miss kissing my wife. I had the exact same problem. Really pissed me off because I knew she kissed the other guy that way. One of the worst things I did during our false R was to punch the headboard of our bed and bruise my hand because she wouldn't kiss me back. I whacked it, destroyed me hand (temporarily) and walked out of the room..scared the crap out of her. Uhh, back to the kissing....it means she's missing that emotional connection with you still. Bad sign. My ex would have sex with me, the whole nine. Sometimes she'd actually kiss me while in the middle of a full on romp, but it took that level of arousal. The whole make out thing we used to do when dating was gone, had been gone for years actually. I can't even remember when exactly. Now that I think about it, it was an early warning sign that I ignored. Of course there's other things that could be a factor, breath, hair, etc...but probably not I'm guessing. Advice...sigh...well...this is going to be convoluted and confusing because for me I kinda started some of that kind of affection back, but only really short term because I was giving too much and ended up divorcing. OK...assuming you don't sacrifice yourself past your breaking point like I did...maybe go to counseling if she's willing. I had been trying to follow the advice in "Divorce Remedy" and "His Needs Her Needs", and other books I had read. Maybe you have to pull back a little and not smother her and at the same time figure out what it will take to re-establish that connection that is obviously still missing. Also I had complained about the kissing thing in private and in counseling so she was aware of it. We did kiss about a month before we decided to divorce. I had just told her she could go back to her MA class with the OM:sick: THAT didn't work out...but I had to try before throwing in the towel. It was after 6 weeks of no affection at all... we ended up having sex in the kitchen that day. All that worked but I was sacrificing too much of myself. Arg, here read the Chronicles of NH Chapter 23 or whatever =D http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question-23.html#post3915143 I mention that kiss in the middle of that big post. Sorry if that was unreadable. I edited the crap out of the above text. I wish you luck. An emotionally detached wife is about the most frustrating thing in the world to deal with, especially if they are prone to lying and thinking it's up to the man to fix everything for princess. Edit: also note that most of this forum HATED what I was doing that successfully brought my wife back in. They were ultimately right that I was doing too much, but I had to go that far before throwing in the towel, so inspite of people calling me a...whatever...I stand by what I did even though it failed. Edited May 30, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justwondering77 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Share Posted May 30, 2013 I fully believe the affair is over. She has really gone a long way to prove that point to me. I have all her passwords and access to everything. Not to sound sappy or mushy, but the emotional side doesn't seem to be what it was. It could just be me but something just isn't quiet where it needs to be. It could be the lack of kissing could be causing part of that issue to me. I am working on trusting her but that is not back to 100%. I don't know if she is letting her shame hold her back a little? It's just strange to me that everything has kind of fallen into place except for the kissing. Sometimes I wonder if she is still with me because of our kids and nowhere else to go or if she really really wants to be with me? But then again that could be some of the insecurities that an affair causes? But this one issue is hanging me up from being able to move on. Thanks for the input as I am just trying to figure it all out. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 Have you guys has counselling? How's the sexual side of your relationship? Does that seem 'normal' or is there an Elephant in the Room....? I would advise you seek the input of a psychosexual counsellor, but certainly, the fact that your trust levels are below par, and that she seems to be holding part of herself back, are issues which should also be discussed... I would not like to put a reason on her reticence, myself, but I'm just hazarding a guess here (and I could WELL be wrong!) I suspect she DOES know the reasons she won't kiss you - but feels insecure about revealing them. Maybe the 'safe' environment of a monitored discussion, in front of a counsellor, would enable you both to reach a better plateau of communication and understanding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justwondering77 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Share Posted May 30, 2013 Oh there is no doubt in my mind that she knows why she won't. That's what makes me ill when she says she doesn't know. I have never done anything or not done anything and not know why. To me that is just an excuse. I have never been hateful or ill when discussing things with her. I can see where it would be hard to expose all feelings to your husband about another man but I have told her many times this is an issue for me and I believe that she should tell me the real reason so we can move forward. I believe that we should have done counceling last summer but with kids and a lack of financial capability we weren't able. We worked through some online stuff and some books but that still doesn't get her to open up like a present third party in the room. Sexually speaking, it's been up and down. After the affair she would be more aggressive than she is now. Now if I didn't start it we wouldn't do it very often at all. Some of that is because of medication she has to take. We have actually went to a doctor about that issue. They have since put her on B12 and B Complex and something else to boost her energy and that has helped but she still won't initate sex. She last time she did was on Valentine's Day. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 Hmmm.... Then this - Everything is pretty much back to normal - is far from true. This relationship is still very much in turmoil, and I fully believe you either desperately need counselling, or matters WILL deteriorate further. Attempting to coerce her into telling you the reason, because it's an issue for you, merely serves to make her more nervous. It scares her, and 'moving forward' is not an adequate carrot, because she believes that's not going to happen. She still has hang-ups about her affair. She may well have gone through all the motions to divest herself of every vestige of her AP, and be transparent, but the one thing you cannot own is her heart. You are both ignoring the obvious. You're both suppressing pain and resentment, and this is in no way healthy. Or even close to 'normal'. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 My wife had an affair in July of last year. Everything is pretty much back to normal except for that she won't kiss me. Now she will do little pecks and good night smacks but she won't really kiss me. We used to kiss all the time but since the affair nothing. She said she really doesn't know why. Any thoughts on what it could be and any advice for me? I really miss kissing my wife. She has an affair...and you're the one pining for kisses she won't give I hate to break this to you but you probably haven't been handling this very well. Have you been behaving like a sad puppy, a door mat desperate for her to come back to you? She should be the one working her a** off to win you back. You should be in the driver's seat. Instead, she's still withholding basic signs of affection. Yeah...this isn't true reconciliation. This sounds like she doesn't really want to be with you but you're her safety net 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justwondering77 Posted May 31, 2013 Author Share Posted May 31, 2013 Beholdtheman, I think that sometimes too about being the safety net. There are alot of thoughts in my head about all of this and what my wife is thinking or how she sees me now but I don't know if any of them are true. Some of what she tells me and her actions aren't the same when it comes to certain things with me. There is no doubt in my mind the other guy is done and over with and has been since July of last year. I just don't know deep down if she is really really really in love with me or if she just loves me because we have been together half our lives and we have kids? Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 I am sorry you were not able to afford couples therapy at the time. Are you still unable to afford it? No health insurance to help? (if you are in US). Certain medications like antidepressants can kill sexual interest. Is she on an antidepressant? I am going to make some other guesses. Kissing is the most close connection, and is why prostitutes and porn stars rarely kiss while having sex. Yes it is also possible she quit the affair, she did so out of obligations or vows to you and the kids - but her passion or attraction for the other man - or lack of it for you remains. Also understand that even when affairs are not present - lack of sex, kissing and other passion often arise in marriages and is a common complaint and issue. Do you know why she had the affair, what was attractive about this man - or the affair in general. It sounds like her sex drive was rev'ed up for a while around it? You may not get a logical or honest answer about sex and passion from her - even in therapy - this I know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 If she's not REALLY kissing you, she's not really in love with you. Period. It could also be a shame thing, and forgive me for being crude: how can I kiss my husband with this mouth after I put my mouth on the other guy's ____? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wheream_i Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 She cheated on you and she's the one who won't kiss you? Sounds like she still has her foot on your nuts. Link to post Share on other sites
grassisorisntgreener Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 I'm going to be brutally honest. I cannot kiss my husband. I am not in love with him. I am okay with a peck in the morning and before bed..but when he tries for more, and introduces the tongue, I cringe. Cringe. It takes everything inside of me not to start crying. We only have sex "doggy style" because I don't want to look at him I have never said this to him. He doesn't know I have cheated on him. It is the worst feeling in the entire world. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 She's not kissing you because she's not emotionally over the other guy. She may be doing all the right things, but in her head she's not. Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 Beholdtheman, I think that sometimes too about being the safety net. There are alot of thoughts in my head about all of this and what my wife is thinking or how she sees me now but I don't know if any of them are true. Some of what she tells me and her actions aren't the same when it comes to certain things with me. There is no doubt in my mind the other guy is done and over with and has been since July of last year. I just don't know deep down if she is really really really in love with me or if she just loves me because we have been together half our lives and we have kids? Have some self-respect and leave this woman who doesn't love you... I hope you can find the strength to do this. Right now you shouldn't be worrying about what she thinks about you. She should be worrying what you think about her. For crying out loud, she's the one who cheated. You are being a door mat and door mats don't get to enjoy happy endings. Door mats get walked all over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 sounds to me like you've been placed in the "love you like family" zone. it's obvious she still has some sort of residual feelings for this OM, and can't bring herself to admit it. it's been a year already. something must change(her attitude), lest you begin to re-evaluate your situation. DO NOT SETTLE!!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 I'm going to be brutally honest. I cannot kiss my husband. I am not in love with him. I am okay with a peck in the morning and before bed..but when he tries for more, and introduces the tongue, I cringe. Cringe. It takes everything inside of me not to start crying. We only have sex "doggy style" because I don't want to look at him I have never said this to him. He doesn't know I have cheated on him. It is the worst feeling in the entire world. Set your poor husband free. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 I fully believe the affair is over. She has really gone a long way to prove that point to me. I have all her passwords and access to everything. Not to sound sappy or mushy, but the emotional side doesn't seem to be what it was. It could just be me but something just isn't quiet where it needs to be. It could be the lack of kissing could be causing part of that issue to me. I am working on trusting her but that is not back to 100%. I don't know if she is letting her shame hold her back a little? It's just strange to me that everything has kind of fallen into place except for the kissing. Sometimes I wonder if she is still with me because of our kids and nowhere else to go or if she really really wants to be with me? But then again that could be some of the insecurities that an affair causes? But this one issue is hanging me up from being able to move on. Thanks for the input as I am just trying to figure it all out. =\ This sounds like full on denial to me. I really think this is a horrible horrible sign...and the fact that you say she says she doesn't know why but really does is another terrible sign. Maybe the affair is really over, I don't know...but even if it is you've still got big problems. Those problems stem from a missing emotional connection from her. I'd bet anything on it. Sorry man 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted June 1, 2013 Share Posted June 1, 2013 I'm going to be brutally honest. I cannot kiss my husband. I am not in love with him. I am okay with a peck in the morning and before bed..but when he tries for more, and introduces the tongue, I cringe. Cringe. It takes everything inside of me not to start crying. We only have sex "doggy style" because I don't want to look at him I have never said this to him. He doesn't know I have cheated on him. It is the worst feeling in the entire world.I think it's high time for you to be honest to your husband... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 1, 2013 Share Posted June 1, 2013 Sorry friend but if she can't kiss you she's not in to you. She may still have allegiances to the OM and is with you because of the kids and the financial support. That's not a good sign, you need to have the talk with her. If she can't commit to you 100%, why be together. Never stay in a relationship just because of the children, they will get the wrong impression of what a good marriage looks like, besides, what will you have when the children go off to college? Like they say, "It's better to be from a broken home than to be in one." If her heart belongs to another man, cut her loose, you deserve to be in a committed marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Fugu Posted June 1, 2013 Share Posted June 1, 2013 (edited) Things are not back to normal, and they never will be. This will always be in the background of your relationship. I don't think you should expect recovery. If you want the marriage to continue, you have to accept that it has changed, probably forever. You can redefine the marriage and make it work, but that is the only way: redefinition. This is why a lot of couples end up getting divorced. They don't want to redefine the marriage; they miss the purity of the relationship that existed before and they conclude that the only way they can get that kind of purity again is to find someone else. I wouldn't blame you if you felt this way. I don't see her not kissing you deeply as having an allegiance to her former extramarital lover. However, I do see that as a sign that she is still working through some things in your marriage, and she's searching for her feelings on this one. It sucks for you, because you were the one who was arguably the more victimized by this. I don't know what to tell you, except that life is too short to be unhappy. If the marriage is damaged beyond repair, maybe it's time to do something thinking on your own and maybe you can take back some control in your life that you may be missing. Edited June 1, 2013 by Fugu Link to post Share on other sites
Author justwondering77 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Share Posted June 3, 2013 Yeah I know there will not be a back to normal. Everything from July 2012 until ........... will all be new territory. I want the marriage to work and I hope it does but the biggest thing to me is the thought of; if this happened once what are the chances of later down the road of it happening again? It's also tough that her actions in certain situations reminds me of something she did or said last year and everything comes back in my head. I don't know if that is normal or not. I really haven't had an outlet to talk to anyone about any of this. My dad pastors a church so I didn't want to go to him about it. Didn't really want anyone I know to know what she did so I haven't talked to any friends about it. So I've been kind of stuck with this in my mind to deal with and not know what to expect or how to vent my feelings. So maybe this site might be an outlet for me. Thanks for the opinions and words of wisdom. Link to post Share on other sites
weedsandposies Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 Is your dad not an option at all? Typically religious leaders are more open minded than we are led to believe. Perhaps you can approach him as a congregant and not his son. He probably hears problems like this all the time and can offer you great insight. During my A I was unable to kiss my H. Even now years later if a thought of the OM comes to my mind I can't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justwondering77 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Share Posted June 3, 2013 I don't really want my dad to know about it. We talk about everything else. Very few people know. It's not something I want everyone knowing about. Hopefully someone will come along and I can talk to them about it. Is the reason you can't kiss him because of guilt? Or just brings back mind shots of the affair? She has told me that sometimes it causes something to pop into her head and it causes anxiety. Link to post Share on other sites
weedsandposies Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 I don't really want my dad to know about it. We talk about everything else. Very few people know. It's not something I want everyone knowing about. Hopefully someone will come along and I can talk to them about it. Is the reason you can't kiss him because of guilt? Or just brings back mind shots of the affair? She has told me that sometimes it causes something to pop into her head and it causes anxiety. Sorry to say this will not make you feel better... it's not guilt but unresolved feelings. Sometimes I miss him. Your wife (I hope) feels differently. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justwondering77 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Share Posted June 3, 2013 How long was your affair? Sounds like emotional and physical. I believe my wife's started as emotional and then turned physical. I read some of the stuff they said to each other and that was weird to read. Link to post Share on other sites
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