10 months after affair and we still have issues....

[weedsandposies]

How long was your affair?

 

Sounds like emotional and physical.

 

I believe my wife's started as emotional and then turned physical. I read some of the stuff they said to each other and that was weird to read.

 

Sorry you had to read that. Affairs are weird to say the least. Mine lasted about a year. OM was an exBF from our teens. It started when H and I were separated for a few months and just dragged on during reconciliation.

[justwondering77]

Were you able to work things out with your husband?

 

Sorry for the many questions but hearing a woman's thoughts on this that has been through it might help alot if you don't mind?

[weedsandposies]

Were you able to work things out with your husband?

 

Sorry for the many questions but hearing a woman's thoughts on this that has been through it might help alot if you don't mind?

 

I don't mind.

 

Yes, we worked it/are working it out. BUT my H only knows that I was in the A for the time we were separated. He does not know many details, his choice, and I did not disclose to him that the A continued months after. I don't want to lose him and so haven't been fully honest. We've been married about 10 years and I can't imagine living the rest of my life without him.

[justwondering77]

My wife and I will be married 14 years in about two weeks. We have been together for over 16 years.

 

That might be why it bothered me so bad because of the timing. I am sure no time is a good time but when your wife is telling another man on your anniversary and birthday that she wants to see him it's a huge kick in the stomach. DDay was right after my birthday last year. It was a hard couple of months last year for sure. Might be why things are bothering me some now because it's the time stuff was going on last year.

 

I wanted to know as much as I could. Reason being is that I didn't want to find out bits and pieces down the road that keeps old wounds open. My wife told me lots of stuff that I didn't want to hear but it is what it is. I just didn't feel that I could move on without knowing everything. I feel there is a couple things that she didn't tell me everything but 99% was full disclosure.

 

How did you finally decide to end the affair? When? Was there a moment? Was the guy married?

[weedsandposies]

My wife and I will be married 14 years in about two weeks. We have been together for over 16 years.

 

That might be why it bothered me so bad because of the timing. I am sure no time is a good time but when your wife is telling another man on your anniversary and birthday that she wants to see him it's a huge kick in the stomach. DDay was right after my birthday last year. It was a hard couple of months last year for sure. Might be why things are bothering me some now because it's the time stuff was going on last year.

 

I wanted to know as much as I could. Reason being is that I didn't want to find out bits and pieces down the road that keeps old wounds open. My wife told me lots of stuff that I didn't want to hear but it is what it is. I just didn't feel that I could move on without knowing everything. I feel there is a couple things that she didn't tell me everything but 99% was full disclosure.

 

How did you finally decide to end the affair? When? Was there a moment? Was the guy married?

 

I tried to end the affair a few times. The final straw was when he asked me to leave my husband. Ironically, I found that very disrespectful. He wasn't married at the time but was dating someone. I didn't know at the time as he told me he was seeing a few people. You'll read that many people affair-down... I was one of them. xOM is not someone I'd have a "real life" relationship with.

Edited June 4, 2013 by weedsandposies

[justwondering77]

To me how do you lose sight of your family and let an affair consume you knowing fully that it could cost you your family? That was my question to my wife. I always said to myself that if my wife ever cheated on me she gone. But when it happen I was like what do I do? I have always loved her. I love my boys and didn't want them to go up with a broken home. So I decided to work it out. We are trying and making progress slowly. Too much stays in my mind though. I don't know because if it's because I'm a man? If it's normal?

 

When my wife doesn't kiss me that makes me think he is thinking about something they did together? She might not but that comes to my mind.

 

If there is something that we don't do much anymore because she did it with him?

 

She claims no but I don't fully believe her. I hope it's nothing to do with him.

 

I have thoughts about hitting him in the nose and kicking him in the nuts. I don't know if that's normal but I believe if I had the chance I would hurt him.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening and maybe you can help provide a little insight to my issues lol. Thanks

[In Like Flynn]

How long was the affair?

[Spark1111]

To me how do you lose sight of your family and let an affair consume you knowing fully that it could cost you your family? That was my question to my wife. I always said to myself that if my wife ever cheated on me she gone. But when it happen I was like what do I do? I have always loved her. I love my boys and didn't want them to go up with a broken home. So I decided to work it out. We are trying and making progress slowly. Too much stays in my mind though. I don't know because if it's because I'm a man? If it's normal?

 

When my wife doesn't kiss me that makes me think he is thinking about something they did together? She might not but that comes to my mind.

 

If there is something that we don't do much anymore because she did it with him?

 

She claims no but I don't fully believe her. I hope it's nothing to do with him.

 

I have thoughts about hitting him in the nose and kicking him in the nuts. I don't know if that's normal but I believe if I had the chance I would hurt him.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening and maybe you can help provide a little insight to my issues lol. Thanks

 

of course it's normal...... We have ALL been there.....

 

For women, kissing is the be all end all of foreplay.We speak of kissing the way me speak of BJ technique.....IT IS THAT important to us....

 

If I were you I would read up on the 180....Be respectful, calm,courteous and NOTHING else.

 

When you kiss her, do so with passion, as if it were your LAST kiss....then do NO MORE....no expectation of sex or reciprocation.

 

It will intrigue her. Speak of her feelings and of your feelings, BUT DO NOT speak of sex or anything else....As if you were dating....

 

THEN, leave it be.

 

Men minimize kissing, as a means to an ends (SEX).

 

Women? We discuss kissing ad nauseum.

 

Yes. It is THAT important to us.

[Fugu]

Yeah I know there will not be a back to normal. Everything from July 2012 until ........... will all be new territory. I want the marriage to work and I hope it does but the biggest thing to me is the thought of; if this happened once what are the chances of later down the road of it happening again?

 

It could happen again - accept that. But in all honesty, it was possible even before this happened. It's just a matter of how people react in various situations. That's when you find out their value system. You know her value system. The question is whether she's capable of changing.

 

If you really want to make this work, then you will have to find a way to trust again and put aside your fears of it happening again. That doesn't mean you should trust blindly, but you at least have to accept that it could happen again. I think the real key is to take control of the situation - that way you feel like you're in control. I think you do that by making clear boundaries about what you will accept from here on out. You have to be reasonable, of course, but you have to have boundaries and if the person crosses them, then you have to know what you're going to do.

[firemanq]

You know her value system. The question is whether she's capable of changing.

 

If you really want to make this work, then you will have to find a way to trust again and put aside your fears of it happening again. That doesn't mean you should trust blindly, but you at least have to accept that it could happen again. I think the real key is to take control of the situation - that way you feel like you're in control. I think you do that by making clear boundaries about what you will accept from here on out. You have to be reasonable, of course, but you have to have boundaries and if the person crosses them, then you have to know what you're going to do.

 

 

At last the real answer, Trust or lack of trust. You, with great reason, do not trust her anymore. And she may not trust herself, either.

 

The real losers, your children. A truly terrible example of life has been set before them.

[JustJoe]

I tried to end the affair a few times. The final straw was when he asked me to leave my husband. Ironically, I found that very disrespectful. He wasn't married at the time but was dating someone. I didn't know at the time as he told me he was seeing a few people. You'll read that many people affair-down... I was one of them. xOM is not someone I'd have a "real life" relationship with.

How can a cheater "affair down"? Isn't a cheater already the lowest of the low? This statement makes no sense to me.

[JustJoe]

I'm going to be brutally honest.

 

I cannot kiss my husband. I am not in love with him. I am okay with a peck in the morning and before bed..but when he tries for more, and introduces the tongue, I cringe. Cringe. It takes everything inside of me not to start crying.

 

We only have sex "doggy style" because I don't want to look at him I have never said this to him. He doesn't know I have cheated on him.

 

It is the worst feeling in the entire world.

Why don't you tell him this and then divorce? You are continuing the deception and it will, in all probability bite you on the heinie at some point. Karma may not be immediate but it is usually inevitable.

[justwondering77]

At last the real answer, Trust or lack of trust. You, with great reason, do not trust her anymore. And she may not trust herself, either.

 

The real losers, your children. A truly terrible example of life has been set before them.

 

 

My kids have no idea of what my wife did. I am sure they could feel the tention last summer but I didn't want them to know about any of it. I want them to be kids and not have to worry about what their mama had done.

[justwondering77]

How long was the affair?

 

 

About three months. I haven't found anything to make me believe that anything went on after I found out about it.

[beatcuff]

this thread is interesting in the fact that many are being brutally honest in their response: i will do the same.

 

you need to see a MC. find the money (no spare cash - cut something else). you can not move forward until this is resolved as it appears to be consuming you.

 

you are not serious about fixing this if you can not INVEST $1,000 (wild guess) in your relationship.

 

keep on the current track and at some point she will move on (and maybe already has).

[oldshirt]

I'll join the Brutally Honest Club too. This is a very bad situation and things are NOT in a good place.....AT ALL!

 

This situation is very much unresolved and still festering. It is like a cigarette smoldering in a couch just waiting to burst into flames in the middle of the night and burn the house down while everyone is asleep.

 

She is not attracted to you and does not desire you, regardless of whether she still holds a torch for the OM or not. How you handled the affair only made it even worse.

 

She sees you as weak and supplicating. She sees you as a doormat that she can $h!t on and get away with it and that makes her lose respect for you and women can not feel desire and passion for a man they do not respect.

 

If you had kicked her @$$ out of the house, told her parents and siblings why you kicked her out, hired an attorney to draw up divorce papers and given her the ultimatum of signing the papers and moving on to her OM or going into counseling and actually working on making the marriage work, she MIGHT have respected you enough to have felt some desire for you after the issues had been worked out.

 

As it stands now, you took the puppy dog route and she feels........nothing.

 

Cont'd.....

[oldshirt]

....But coulda, shoulda, woulda's don't count and don't help you any now.

 

First thing you need to do now is decide if you truly want to be married to the cheat'n ho anymore and truly want to have an active and satisfying relationship with her.

 

If yes, read on.......if no read on, but don't dump her until you have your ducks more in a row......READ ON.

 

First thing you need to do is get your balls velcro'd back on. She put her legs over another man's shoulders because he was more sexy and appealing to her. period. You need to get your sexy back and you need to get your financial and legal ducks in row.

 

In other words you need to become more fit and attractive, more stylish, well groomed, more engaging, flirty and assertive. And you also need to start getting your legal, parental and financial ducks in a row in preparation for a divorce.

 

You'll have a choice in a few months. The choice will be to keep her or to let her go. If you are more fit and attractive the higher the likelihood that she will want to be romantic/sexual/passionate with you. BUT if the marriage doesn't work and one or the other of you decides you do not want to remain married, then the more fit and attractive you are and the more legally and financially stronger position you are in, the the better you will survive the divorce and the better position you will be in to maintain a good relationship with your children and family and the better position you will be in to move on and find someone else.

 

So here is a little game plan for you.

 

- STOP SUPPLICATING TO HER!! Make her do her own $h!t and stop trying to appease her. Get a life of your own and start pursuing your own passions and interests and start building your own social circle. These will be people that you can either do fun things with and start enjoying life with as a couple or people that will be there to cushion the fall when you divorce. Oprah and all the other advice gurus say you need to appease her and be there for her, but it is that kind of advice that lead her to lose attraction for you and wrap her legs around another man in the first place.

 

- hit the gym.... HARD. Lose the gut. Get some muscles. Women say they don't care if a guy has a gut and pencil arms. That is social programming talking. I would bet my very last dollar the other guy she swallowed did not have more belly fat and less biceps than you. Am I right?????????????????

 

- Update your wardrobe, hairstyle, grooming etc etc. Get your teeth whitened, do some tanning and start taking better care of yourself. You do not need to become some self-absorbed metrosexual but take some extra time and energy on your dress and appearance.

 

- Brush up on your social skills. Work on becoming more social, more approachable, more personally interactive and more engaging with other people.....including other women. Don't hit on them or encroach them but be social and engaging with everyone, men and women both. Reestablish some old friendships and make some new friends. These people will either be friends that you do things with as a couple if you stay together or will cushion the fall and support you when you fall.

 

- Get your financial and legal affairs in order. Start saving money away in a separate individual account. Squirrel cash away that she doesn't know about. Learn all about the divorce, custody and property laws in your area. See a lawyer and an accountant without her knowledge and start circling your wagons.

 

- do what you can to improve yourself financially and professionally. Pursue that promotion at work. Take on a part time job (squirrel the money in cash) go back to school and start taking classes etc etc.

 

- don't talk to her about any of this, don't tell her you are doing it. Just do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She won't notice it at all for up to a few months as you are not on her radar anyway. I'll tell you when she will notice in the next post.

 

cont'd......

[oldshirt]

OK so the plan is to start working on making yourself a better person. She won't notice at all for several months.....but..........hang on............................................................................... wait for it..........................wait for it..............

 

In time OTHERS WILL.

 

 

OK so here's the punch line. Once you've lost some gut, got some muscles, are grooming better, dressing better, becoming more engaging and personable, are out doing things you enjoy with fun people, are making more $$ and are improving yourself professional and are holding your head up high and are starting to look people in the eye........people, ESPECIALLY OTHER WOMEN are going to start to take notice.

 

Once women that at least and preferably MORE attractive than her start to take notice of you and bat their eyes at you and give you little giggles and flirts with you is time to make your move.

 

Con't.........................

[oldshirt]

............... and here is your move -

 

-You make an appointment with a counselor on your own without her knowledge or prior approval.

 

- then you get a sitter to watch the kids and make a reservation for dinner at a classy restaurant, one in which she can't make a scene. Then while at dinner you look her straight in the eye and without a hint of emotion or weakness, you matter-of-factly tell her that things are not OK in your marriage at this point and there are unresolved issues with her affair and that she has not made a valid attempt at reconciliation and that you are not satisfied with the current state of your relationship and that she is not meeting your needs and that things have to change significantly or you will end the marriage an move on.

 

At that time you present her with the option to either enter into couple's therapy and working on the issues that lead to the affair and to her current lack of desire for you or ending the façade of the marriage and both of you moving on.

 

cont'd.....

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, goodness!

Stop with the 'cont'd' already...

Just give!

[oldshirt]

she will initially try to call a bluff but once you explain to her what she will get in the divorce and how the property will be settled and how the custody arraingements will be settled and she sees that you have done your divorce homework she will take notice.

 

It will probably also be at that time that she will notice that your shirts are form-fitted over your new biceps and that your pants are fitting your new waist and that your new haircut, whiter teeth and new contacts make you look a lot more masculine and handsome as well.

 

It will probably hit her like a ton of bricks that the waitress was just a little too flirty and giggly with you while she was taking the order and she will notice the blond in the next table over sneeking a few peeks. You won't see that but your wife will.

 

But the main thing she will notice is that you are intense and serious and staring her down right in the eyes and that you aren't caving in to her manipulative bull$h!tt and not asking for any kind of attention or foregiveness.

 

YOU ARE MAKING DEMANDS AND TELLING HER HER OPTIONS AND YOU ARE SETTING THE COURSE OF THE MARRAIGE AND ARE NOT ASKING HER FOR WHAT SHE WANTS OR ASKING HER FOR PERMISSION FOR ANYTHING.

 

It is at that point she will do one of two things. She will either -

 

- soak her panties in a big gush down her leg and will have an overwhelming urge to get under the table and blow you right there.

 

Or

 

- she will know it's over and will take the divorce option and let you go and will work towards an equitable and as painless divorce as possible.

 

If she chooses to stay on work on the marriage you might stand a chance since you will be coming from a position of power.

 

But if she chooses divorce you will also be in a position of power since you already have the attorney and the game plan and you won't get as raked over the coals than you would if you were still at home trying to appease her like a puppy dog while she was out planning the divorce first.

 

And you will also be more fit, more attractive and in a better place financially and professionally and will be able to move on with someone else sooner and with less baggage and resentment after the divorce.

Edited June 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[TaraMaiden]

Wonderful.

 

If, of course, it all goes according to plan.

 

All he has to hope is that while he is busy doing all of this, she just sits quietly by, watches, says nothing, does nothing and notices nothing.

 

Yuh.

[oldshirt]

Wonderful.

 

If, of course, it all goes according to plan.

 

All he has to hope is that while he is busy doing all of this, she just sits quietly by, watches, says nothing, does nothing and notices nothing.

 

Yuh.

 

 

Meaning that she doesn't continue hooking up with the OM or someone else while he is at the gym????????????????

 

Definitely there is a solid chance of that happening but that is going to happen anyway at this point because she is still not into him and the underlying issues are still unresolved.

 

I guarantee she won't notice him for the first few months because he is not really on her radar anyway and she will probably be glad to have him out of the house and out from underfoot like that pesty puppy dog looking to be scratched behind the ears.

 

It's likely she won't notice him until other women start noticing him or until she notices that he is building his own life and not following her around anymore. She may also notice that he is getting prepared for the divorce but that he has a good headstart on her.

 

Those are the things she is going to notice and she isn't going to notice any of things until he starts getting himself squared away and taking positive steps to improve himself.

 

Will it go step by step exactly as I have written it out? No but it will be strikingly darn close.

[TaraMaiden]

No, not meaning that.

 

Meaning that when he begins all this independent activity she will wonder what the hell is going on with her H, suddenly.

And she may suspect him of having an affair.

 

I know I'd be pretty interested and I'd be alerted to something going on.

 

Nice script you have there OS.... let's see if either of them stick to it and get the results you predict.

 

Somehow, I have a feeling they'll divert from it by line 10.....

[oldshirt]

No, not meaning that.

 

Meaning that when he begins all this independent activity she will wonder what the hell is going on with her H, suddenly.

And she may suspect him of having an affair.

 

 

 

.....

 

That's not necessarily a bad thing. A little destabilizing and insecurity on her part may actually be a pretty good thing. It may give her the jolt she needs to snap out of her affair fog and face the reality that he may decide to move on without her.

 

Is there risk that she may throw in the towel and leave? absolutely! But at this point she is going to leave or resume the affair or have another affair anyway. Kissing and romance and sexuality etc are the canaries in the mine-shaft. if she isn't kissing him then her heart (or jay-jay) isn't in the marriage anyway and it will just be a matter of time before the other shoe falls.

 

Him doing this will evoke a response in her...100% guaranteed it will. That response may be to pack her bags and leave or stay and work on the marriage.

 

Either way, he will be in stronger position to deal with it and it will be by his terms and not her's.