Why did I do that??? LD relationship and one night stand

[maria_maria]

As I start to write this, I fear (and know), I will get abasing comments geared towards myself and recent indiscretion. Say what you like - but judgment upon my character is unwarranted. Trust me, I am beating myself and hating myself right now - I don't need others to make me feel worse.

 

I have been in a LD relationship for the past 11 months. During this time, I have seen my BF two discrete times (11 months ago and four months ago). I would like to say that our relationship is very strong - I love him dearly. Up until yesterday, I didn't care about the sex (we have not had it yet)... and it has been five years since I had been intimate with someone (mind you, I am in my mid-thirties). MY BF and want to and tried a few times (but too much anxiety). Not saying this to justify my action but give some background info.

 

To cut to the chase - I had a one night stand last night (and yes, protection was used). It was very a la Julia Robert style - everything but kissing. I feel so bad and terrible... I feel like I am dead, like I have betrayed someone I really care about. I have never done anything like this before (again, I am 35). I tried to tell my BF today but it was in an innocuous way... trying to build up the courage to tell him. He had emailed that 'he will love me forever' and I replied, "unconditionally?" His reaction to that (as I think he was starting to assume that was my point) - was not good, so I chickened out. He basically freaked out and started crying... and I could not go through with it. I left the unconditional be vague and let it go... This worked as though we both speak English, his first language is German and there sometimes are miscommunications caused by translation.

 

I am not sure what to do now. I don't want to break up with him... I don't want to hurt him... I am so mad at myself for what I did. Why do people cheat if they truly care about the other? Why would I do something like this as it is so out of character (again, remember - I was celibate for 5 years). Can anybody relate, console, or have some insights?

Edited May 29, 2013 by maria_maria

[youngnlove89]

Ugh, tough situation. Don't tell him. I know that is bad advice. But just don't do it again. If you tell him, he might walk away and never talk to you again. If you can handle that and need to tell him for your own conscious then do it. But know that it might end when you do.

 

Learn from your mistake please!!

 

PS I've never told someone this advice before. I've been cheated on before (so I know how disastrous it is) and have been in a LD relationship also so I know how it is to have temptations because you are lonely, but think about him when you are, call him up and do a little dirty talk on the phone, take out BOB and please yourself.

 

I would hate to be him and find that out, but sometimes it's better not to know as long as it doesn't EVER happen again.

 

You owe that much to him.

 

Another thing, on the other side of things, he does deserve better. Doesn't mean you aren't better, but it does mean you better start acting better missy!!

[maria_maria]

youngnlove89 - thank you so much for your words. In particular for not judging me, giving me a chance, and helping me feel a bit better. I still feel like a bad person and i think it will take me a while to accept that just because I did such an awful thing, doesn't make me an awful person. And yes - trust me - never again! I just wish O could stop crying in the mean time (but I deserve to feel bad and like this considering my actions).

Thank you again

[MissMoonlight]

It's hard to say why you did it? We're not you, we don't know what is going on in your life besides what you have told us.

 

I mean, I have a boyfriend...but I could be aroused by other guys in the same way. Being in love does not stop you from having those needs.

 

 

Telling him or not is really up to you. It depends on your moral standing, and if you're willing to lose him.

[youngnlove89]

youngnlove89 - thank you so much for your words. In particular for not judging me, giving me a chance, and helping me feel a bit better. I still feel like a bad person and i think it will take me a while to accept that just because I did such an awful thing, doesn't make me an awful person. And yes - trust me - never again! I just wish O could stop crying in the mean time (but I deserve to feel bad and like this considering my actions).

Thank you again

 

No problem. But you aren't off the hook

 

Seeing how it has affected you I can tell this was a mistake and not an intention. That's good. We all make mistakes, but it's your duty to learn from them.

 

Why did you do it? How did you feel when you were doing it?

[maria_maria]

I wish I knew the why. I felt lonely, empty, missed my BF, and wanted something to make me feel something... When it was happening, I was not into it at all... I felt awful the entire time. At one point, I tried to pretend it was my BF and that made me feel even worse. Looking back - I have no idea why I would do that!!! For me, it was never about the sex - but the connection with the other person that satisfies me... I am not sure what happened last night - I made a very bad and stupid decision.

I know I am not off the hook... I know.. I know... I am just grateful that you did not judge me.

[youngnlove89]

I wish I knew the why. I felt lonely, empty, missed my BF, and wanted something to make me feel something... When it was happening, I was not into it at all... I felt awful the entire time. At one point, I tried to pretend it was my BF and that made me feel even worse. Looking back - I have no idea why I would do that!!! For me, it was never about the sex - but the connection with the other person that satisfies me... I am not sure what happened last night - I made a very bad and stupid decision.

I know I am not off the hook... I know.. I know... I am just grateful that you did not judge me.

 

I'm not here to judge you. That's not my place. You are human. People make mistakes. My mistakes might be different from yours. I can sympathize as long as it is a one time thing.

 

I'll tell you a story, I never cheated, but I had just broken up with my boyfriend of a year at the time (1 year ago now) when I went on a one night stand not even a week later. I did it because I missed my ex and needed that sexual attention. I even closed my eyes at one point and pretended it was him. It made me sick. I told the guy to get off of me and I left his apartment and never came back. It was the worst thing I've ever done. I felt like a dirty slut and it made me miss my ex more. I never told him. Because sometimes things are better left unsaid. It's good to be loyal and honest, but there was no point in my saying anything to him. I was in, in fact, single.

 

Your situation is different, but I just know it won't end well if you tell him.

 

I've been in a LD relationship so I know that lonely feeling. It sucks. But you have to be strong. Nobody said LD was easy. It's hard. But you have to remember the other person on the other side. It's hard for them too. How would you feel if he did that to you?

 

And if it gets too hard where you are seeking sex from other partners, maybe it's time to make a change.

[Chi townD]

Sorry, but you're going to HAVE to tell him. I can already tell by your writing that you are racked with guilt. If you don't tell him, he's going to know something is up anyway. He's dated you long enough to know that something seems "off" with you.

 

You'll start to withdraw from him, if he does anything nice for you or say that he loves you or that you're beautiful, you're going to think that you don't deserve his words or anything he does for you. You'll start to pick fights with him to ease your guilt...

 

 

Believe me, he's going to know something is up. Are you going to lose him if you tell him? Maybe...probably. Hard to say. But you were in the drivers seat when you decided to cheat on him. You knew EXACTLY what you wanted because you set up boundaries for the encounter. Protection was used and no kissing. Now, he would be in the driver's seat as far as where the relationship goes. That's out of your hands. All of our actions have consequences and some of them...you may not like.

 

But, if you tell him, apologize and be there for him. ANSWER ALL HIS QUESTIONS HONESTLY! Answer all his questions even if it hurts to answer them. If you leave out anything and he finds out in the future....it's like he being informed that you cheated again and all the pain comes back. If he leaves, well....you're going to have to respect his decision. If he stays, then you're in for one hellva ride. The screaming and the yelling and the crying and the hurt and pain. This could last for a very long time. Also, he will NEVER be able to blindly trust you ever again. Could he learn to trust you? Maybe, but he will never fully trust you. That's something that you'll have to come to terms with.

[BeholdtheMan]

Ugh, tough situation. Don't tell him. I know that is bad advice. But just don't do it again. If you tell him, he might walk away and never talk to you again.

This is TERRIBLE advice. The poster even says it's "bad advice". It's selfish and cowardly. Please don't follow this advice.

 

The truth of the matter is...yes, you have betrayed your boyfriend, but you can still do the right thing.

 

Put yourself in his shoes, if he had cheated on you, would you want to be informed or would you want to remain ignorant? Can you honestly say "I would rather live a lie rather than know the truth"? I don't think you can.

 

Tell him the truth and let him make an informed decision about his life: whether he wants to stay with someone who's cheated on him.

 

You've already betrayed his trust, the least you owe him now is honesty and respect. He doesn't deserve to be kept in the dark.

[Keke1]

I would ignore YoungandinLove's advice, he has a right to know that the woman who he loves opened her legs for another man. A lie by omission is still a lie. He should have the opportunity to decide if he wants to stay with you or not.

 

I agree at some point(putting the condom on) you shouldve stopped. Not saying you couldve though.

I would be devastated if you told me that but I would want to know.

[Darren Steez]

I don't understand what you're looking to accomplish with having spent 11 months of your life with what basically amounts to no more than a computer pen pal guy who cries at the drop of a hat. I mean, what's the POINT of living separate, celibate lives for the next umpteen years? What does THAT accomplish?

 

The whole thing is just completely senseless and such a waste of your life.

 

This. I couldn't get my head around it.

 

To OP. Not a great way to start a relationship is it? Already keeping secrets.

[therhythm]

Well, as a person who prize honesty above anything I would recommend to tell your boyfriend the truth. I am not going to judge you but you need to understand your boyfriend deserves to be able to take a decision of staying in a LD relationship without any (or very limited) physical contact knowing the whole truth otherwise you are being very unfair and you are taking decisions in his behalf.

Good luck whatever you may do, you have been already selfish by sleeping with another guy, will you keep being selfish and string along this guy?

[therhythm]

No problem. But you aren't off the hook

 

Seeing how it has affected you I can tell this was a mistake and not an intention. That's good. We all make mistakes, but it's your duty to learn from them.

 

Why did you do it? How did you feel when you were doing it?

 

I usually love your posts but I don't think is fair to call cheating a mistake.

I am not here to judge anyone but lets call things by their name... cheating is a willing act, I don't think OP was forced (if that was the case is rape and we should be talking about other kind of actions to be taken), she chose to have a ONS when she is in a relationship with a guy who has not even had the chance to have sex with her the times they have met.

I don't think that advising against honesty is the right way to go, but hey I can't say that I am the one who is right here...I respect your opinion as it is as good or bad as mine but please do not minimize the problem by calling it a mistake.

 

Edit: Just to say that when I found out my girlfriend cheated on me what really hurt me was the lies, the whole parallel reality she had created just for me. I could have forgive her if she would have told me about it right away but I could not forget the lies... You can justify to be weak in a given moment, we are all human after all but you can't justify to keep lying every day, that is not momentary weakness anymore that is a decision you take every day, I could never forgive that.

Edited May 30, 2013 by therhythm

[maria_maria]

How do I tell him though? I want to do it in person but I am not going to see him for at least two more months. That is another complicated thing about the LD relationship. Over the phone - through email - are my other options (but not ideal). Do I tell him in one of these non-preferred ways or wait 2 months? This is part of what makes the decision even harder... 2 months seems so long and then there are other complications associated with that... Over the phone seems so cold... How can we work it out, if I don't tell him in person??? Why is everything so complicated???

[therhythm]

How do I tell him though? I want to do it in person but I am not going to see him for at least two more months. That is another complicated thing about the LD relationship. Over the phone - through email - are my other options (but not ideal). Do I tell him in one of these non-preferred ways or wait 2 months? This is part of what makes the decision even harder... 2 months seems so long and then there are other complications associated with that... Over the phone seems so cold... How can we work it out, if I don't tell him in person??? Why is everything so complicated???

 

I think the sooner you tell him the better for the both of you. I would do it by telephone in your case (do you guys use skype?)... just make sure you let him know that you love him and that is a totally off character thing for you to do. I think you are a very brave woman for choosing honesty. The right way is often not the easiest one!

If he is "the one" will find it in his heart to forgive you...

Regarding how you are going to work it out, is a question that I can't really answer, it is something you will need to speak with your boyfriend, I think that love can break any barriers in its way if it has the proper foundation.

Just make sure you show him how remorseful you are about what you have done, your remorse is the only thing that will make his pain less.

Be prepared for his reaction, he can react in many different ways, just give him time to assimilate it and hope his love for you is as stronger as the pain you will cause him.

You need to accept the idea that it can happen that he will not want to continue in a relationship with you, that should not prevent you for telling him the truth if you really love him he deserves to be able to make his own decisions.

I think you made the wrong choice but I also think you are a really brave woman for the way you are facing it!

[maria_maria]

Well, as a person who prize honesty above anything I would recommend to tell your boyfriend the truth. I am not going to judge you but you need to understand your boyfriend deserves to be able to take a decision of staying in a LD relationship without any (or very limited) physical contact knowing the whole truth otherwise you are being very unfair and you are taking decisions in his behalf.

Good luck whatever you may do, you have been already selfish by sleeping with another guy, will you keep being selfish and string along this guy?

 

How do I tell though? I want to tell him in person but won't see him for another 2 months... that is part of what is making this so difficult (complication of the LDR). I feel like dragging it out 2 months, will add to the lied and deceit... but telling him over the phone seems crueler... If he lived locally, I would have told him already... not sure how to proceed

[maria_maria]

oops - just saw your post above. Thank you

[therhythm]

How do I tell though? I want to tell him in person but won't see him for another 2 months... that is part of what is making this so difficult (complication of the LDR). I feel like dragging it out 2 months, will add to the lied and deceit... but telling him over the phone seems crueler... If he lived locally, I would have told him already... not sure how to proceed

Doesn't matter how you tell him, there is no nice way of telling someone that you have cheated on him... but if he just a bit like me he will see how much character and personality someone needs to have to admit a poor choice like that one and how vulnerable you put yourself by accepting his right to choose to stay in the relationship or not.

If there is a way where you both can ever have a healthy and truthful relationship it is by being honest, own your own actions and handle the consequences.

 

Good luck Maria, I really hope he will find it in his heart to forgive you!

[maria_maria]

therhytm, thank you. I just hate myself right now. I think along with telling him, I probably need to go see a therapist. What I did was wrong and inexcusable. Up until 2 days ago - I was the person who said 'I would never cheat'... and low and behold, I did the very thing I told myself that I am incapable of doing... There is something terribly wrong with me if I am acting so out of character that I am willing to forgo my own values, beliefs, and hurt the people I care about for something that didn't mean anything...

Thank you again for your wisdom...

[therhythm]

therhytm, thank you. I just hate myself right now. I think along with telling him, I probably need to go see a therapist. What I did was wrong and inexcusable. Up until 2 days ago - I was the person who said 'I would never cheat'... and low and behold, I did the very thing I told myself that I am incapable of doing... There is something terribly wrong with me if I am acting so out of character that I am willing to forgo my own values, beliefs, and hurt the people I care about for something that didn't mean anything...

Thank you again for your wisdom...

 

A therapist is always a good idea but don't hate yourself too much, you made a very bad choice, that doesn't makes of you a monster.

It is true that you hurt the person you love in a bad way, and you should take the learning for all this experience and hopefully you will never repeat it!

[youngnlove89]

I understand why everyone thinks my advice is horrible, because this is just a horrible situation!! But I'm trying to put myself in her shoes. First of all, I never would cheat, so I really won't ever have to think about what I would do. But if I were her, I wouldn't say anything.

 

By mistake I mean an admission of having made a mistake by one's own fault (one that could have been avoided if the person had been more diligent). A mistake is a choice.

 

The first thing you need to do is think the decision through thoroughly. The first question you want to ask yourself is the most crucial of all:

 

"If he truly had no idea about what was going on, do I really want to hurt him by telling him?"

 

The answer is no.

 

While making the big confession about what you have done may be a catharsis to you, think seriously about what it will do to him. You will hurt him beyond any doubt. If you really love him you will find a way to live with the guilt which may not be such a bad thing. Unless it can be used constructively, guilt is a useless emotion. If it causes you to be careful to never cheat again, guilt has served its purpose.

 

But on contrary, trust is a huge foundation in a relationship. You did the deed. It's done. No going back. You can either tell him or not tell him. That's up to you. Just like it was up to you to sleep with someone else.

 

This guy you had sex with, does he know your boyfriend? Would anyone ever find out you did this? Do you friends know? If not, don't tell them, EVER! Take it to your grave.

 

Obviously something is lacking your relationship, you need to fix that. If you can't fix that, then you need to leave.

 

If you do tell him, buckle up. Considering you are already LD, this is going to make matters worse. LD not only requires trust, but depends on it. He will not trust you, and he will walk away. Wouldn't you if he cheated?

 

My dad was a cheater, probably still is. It hurt everyone involved. He kept it a secret for a year. My mom and I were the last to know about it. My mom was more hurt that my dad didn't confess to her first then the actual deed. So if he might hear it from someone else first, then tell him.

 

Either way, I think you need to leave the relationship. Maybe long distance is too much to handle for you.

[therhythm]

I understand why everyone thinks my advice is horrible, because this is just a horrible situation!! But I'm trying to put myself in her shoes. First of all, I never would cheat, so I really won't ever have to think about what I would do. But if I were her, I wouldn't say anything.

 

By mistake I mean an admission of having made a mistake by one's own fault (one that could have been avoided if the person had been more diligent). A mistake is a choice.

 

The first thing you need to do is think the decision through thoroughly. The first question you want to ask yourself is the most crucial of all:

 

"If he truly had no idea about what was going on, do I really want to hurt him by telling him?"

 

The answer is no.

 

While making the big confession about what you have done may be a catharsis to you, think seriously about what it will do to him. You will hurt him beyond any doubt. If you really love him you will find a way to live with the guilt which may not be such a bad thing. Unless it can be used constructively, guilt is a useless emotion. If it causes you to be careful to never cheat again, guilt has served its purpose.

 

But on contrary, trust is a huge foundation in a relationship. You did the deed. It's done. No going back. You can either tell him or not tell him. That's up to you. Just like it was up to you to sleep with someone else.

 

This guy you had sex with, does he know your boyfriend? Would anyone ever find out you did this? Do you friends know? If not, don't tell them, EVER! Take it to your grave.

 

Obviously something is lacking your relationship, you need to fix that. If you can't fix that, then you need to leave.

 

If you do tell him, buckle up. Considering you are already LD, this is going to make matters worse. LD not only requires trust, but depends on it. He will not trust you, and he will walk away. Wouldn't you if he cheated?

 

My dad was a cheater, probably still is. It hurt everyone involved. He kept it a secret for a year. My mom and I were the last to know about it. My mom was more hurt that my dad didn't confess to her first then the actual deed. So if he might hear it from someone else first, then tell him.

 

Either way, I think you need to leave the relationship. Maybe long distance is too much to handle for you.

 

A mistake is forgetting to put the cap on the toothpaste. Sleeping with someone else is a conscious choice. Unless you slipped, tripped, and landed on his dick, you had a thousand stop-signs along the way and blew through them all. (I am paraphrasing BH here)

 

I think where you logic about being honest or not fails is that she is not going to hurt him by telling him... she hurt him by having a ONS with another guy.

Staying in a relationship based in a lie is unfair to OP and terrible unfair to her boyfriend, what about his right to choose when to stay in the relationship or not?

 

How can you claim to love someone when you have him trapped in a relationship with you with a lie? I honestly think is a much worse thing to do than even the cheating!

 

You say your father was a cheater and your mother suffered terrible because he lied to her... nevertheless you advise against honesty? Just Wow!

Edited May 30, 2013 by therhythm

[youngnlove89]

A mistake is forgetting to put the cap on the toothpaste. Sleeping with someone else is a conscious choice. Unless you slipped, tripped, and landed on his dick, you had a thousand stop-signs along the way and blew through them all. (I am paraphrasing BH here)

 

I think where you logic about being honest or not fails is that she is not going to hurt him by telling him... she hurt him by having a ONS with another guy.

Staying in a relationship based in a lie is unfair to OP and terrible unfair to her boyfriend, what about his right to choose when to stay in the relationship or not?

 

How can you claim to love someone when you have him trapped in a relationship with you with a lie? I honestly think is a much worse thing to do than even the cheating!

 

Mistake- An action that is wrong. (I never put the cap back on, sue me) whatever the defintion, error - fault - lapse - slip - fallacy - blunder. Whatever. That's another argument.

 

And I agree with you, whole heatedly!! I'm not wanting to make an argument over this cheating issue. I don't condone cheating. I once ripped someone a new a.ss on here about cheating, got in trouble for it and I'm now trying to look at the other side of things, to sympathize with the OP. The morally right thing to do is to not cheat, period. But that's been done. The next right thing to do is to tell him. But if that can't be done, then she needs to learn from it.

 

Whatever she decides to do, is her decision.

 

I feel sad for her boyfriend, it's a sad thing. And he does have the right to know.

 

This topic is like discussing abortion. In the end it all comes down to opinion.

[therhythm]

Mistake- An action that is wrong. (I never put the cap back on, sue me) whatever the defintion, error - fault - lapse - slip - fallacy - blunder. Whatever. That's another argument.

 

And I agree with you, whole heatedly!! I'm not wanting to make an argument over this cheating issue. I don't condone cheating. I once ripped someone a new a.ss on here about cheating, got in trouble for it and I'm now trying to look at the other side of things, to sympathize with the OP. The morally right thing to do is to not cheat, period. But that's been done. The next right thing to do is to tell him. But if that can't be done, then she needs to learn from it.

 

Whatever she decides to do, is her decision.

 

I feel sad for her boyfriend, it's a sad thing. And he does have the right to know.

 

This topic is like discussing abortion. In the end it all comes down to opinion.

 

Yeah, sorry, I also don't want to make a discussion out of this. I actually don't give a crap about morals but there is one simple rule I try to live up to, do to others as you would like other to do to you.. basic human interaction rule actually.

Again, I am sorry for picking up on you, I think your advise is actually as valid and correct as mine!

[maria_maria]

HolyFS, I agree with you. Up until 2 days ago, I never had put myself in that situation. I am a fairly attractive female and guys would hit on me - but I would always nip it in the but ASAP and run away as fast as I could. This is not an excuse for my actions - I think I am having a bout of depression and feel very disassociated from my life/self right now. I told therhytm above that I need to probably see a therapist - and actually just got off the phone and made an appointment for tomorrow. I am speaking to my bf tonight and hope I have the gumption to tell him the truth. I am not proud nor happy with the choice that I made - if public stoning was still legal, I would probably sign myself up. I don't deserve my boyfriend.

 

The sad thing is that when I wan in my 20's, every relationship I was in, the BF cheated on me. I hated that feeling and never fully trusted men until I met my current BF. What do I do though - I screw it all up. If I had one wish - I wouldn't wish for a billion dollars or a hundred wishes - just to rewind the clock, knowing what I know now, and choose a different path.