Chi townD Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 You REALLY want to piss him off? Because this would really piss me off if I waited 2 months, bought a plane ticket, traveled all day and discover that my girlfriend cheated on me, then turning around and going back to the airport, spending more money to change my ticket for the next available flight back home. Question is, do you want the bandaid to come off quickly or slowly. If you tell him now, he can decide if he still wants to come out there in 2 months or not to talk and work on things, BUT AT LEAST HE'LL KNOW WHAT HE'S WALKING INTO!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author maria_maria Posted May 30, 2013 Author Share Posted May 30, 2013 You REALLY want to piss him off? Because this would really piss me off if I waited 2 months, bought a plane ticket, traveled all day and discover that my girlfriend cheated on me, then turning around and going back to the airport, spending more money to change my ticket for the next available flight back home. Question is, do you want the bandaid to come off quickly or slowly. If you tell him now, he can decide if he still wants to come out there in 2 months or not to talk and work on things, BUT AT LEAST HE'LL KNOW WHAT HE'S WALKING INTO!! I am the one buying the ticket - not him. Its a ticket to go home for the summer (Home is overseas). And no - I don't want to wait. I want to tell him now... but I also wish he was near me now as I wish I could do it in person. The phone sucks, but I agree with you - if I choose to tell him, there is no better way considering our circumstances. Just in person - at least then I would have a way to plea for forgiveness and/or he could punch me (which I know I deserve) Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 I am the one buying the ticket - not him. Its a ticket to go home for the summer (Home is overseas). And no - I don't want to wait. I want to tell him now... but I also wish he was near me now as I wish I could do it in person. The phone sucks, but I agree with you - if I choose to tell him, there is no better way considering our circumstances. Just in person - at least then I would have a way to plea for forgiveness and/or he could punch me (which I know I deserve) You don't deserve to be punched, stop that nonsense and the public stoning thing... What you did was very wrong, in a very deep level wrong! The only thing you can do to right that wrong is to tell your boyfriend the truth, show him you respect him enough to tell him the truth even when is a truth that can cost you dearly (your relationship). If you choose silence then your lack of respect for him is immense.. you would be breaking 2 pillars of the relationship (trust and honesty), while you could be excused for having a weak moment for your betrayal, there is no excuse to choose every day to lie. Is your choice anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 I seriously urge you to rethink the decision to tell him. Don't let a bunch of people with little insight, who can only see things one way––their way––make important life decisions for you! And for heaven's sake don't do it today - once you do you can't undo it, but if you take time you still have that option available, should you decide after thorough consideration. See the therapist first and use that to gain insight and help clarify what you should do. Think about this rationally. What is the desired outcome? How does telling him get you closer to that outcome? What is your motivation for telling - is it because you want to make him feel hurt and betrayed, or because you think it will alleviate your own guilt? Do you think confessing is akin to undoing? Do you think he should be punished for you having done something wrong? Do you really think you'll feel any better for having devastated him? You've seen the guy only twice in a year's time, and you haven't even had sex with him! It's not like you're in a ten-year marriage (not that that would necessitate it either). The real decision you need to make is whether or not this relationship is right for you. Work on that in therapy too. Read this: Time Article 2 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) I seriously urge you to rethink the decision to tell him. Don't let a bunch of people with little insight, who can only see things one way––their way––make important life decisions for you! And for heaven's sake don't do it today - once you do you can't undo it, but if you take time you still have that option available, should you decide after thorough consideration. See the therapist first and use that to gain insight and help clarify what you should do. Think about this rationally. What is the desired outcome? How does telling him get you closer to that outcome? What is your motivation for telling - is it because you want to make him feel hurt and betrayed, or because you think it will alleviate your own guilt? Do you think confessing is akin to undoing? Do you think he should be punished for you having done something wrong? Do you really think you'll feel any better for having devastated him? You've seen the guy only twice in a year's time, and you haven't even had sex with him! It's not like you're in a ten-year marriage (not that that would necessitate it either). The real decision you need to make is whether or not this relationship is right for you. Work on that in therapy too. Read this: Time Article Why to tell... just one and only answer ... Respect All your arguments is about how she feels and how she would feel when she realize about his pain (Just about her selfish feeling), ask around to any person if their SO would cheat on them if they would like to know... you will see that the most recurrent answer is YES. People don't like to be devastated but people like even less when other people take decisions about their life in their behalf... lying to the guy is taking a decision on his behalf and therefore holding him hostage with a lie! Edited May 30, 2013 by therhythm 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 I agree that you should not tell him with one condition: you break it off with him. The kind of LDR you describe is doomed anyway so just end it and let him go without crushing him any worse by telling him what you did. You need to be the strong one here if you truly are sorry and want to do what's right for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 Why to tell... just one and only answer ... Respect All your arguments is about how she feels and how she would feel when she realize about his pain (Just about her selfish feeling), ask around to any person if their SO would cheat on them if they would like to know... you will see that the most recurrent answer is YES. People don't like to be devastated but people like even less when other people take decisions about their life in their behalf... lying to the guy is taking a decision on his behalf and therefore holding him hostage with a lie! And your insight is so keen. You advocate for lying and deception. Great relationship traits. If you both will reread what I wrote, I did not advocate for anything other than that she slow down, talk to the therapist (her own idea, and a good one I believe), and make a well considered decision rather than letting "people with little insight who can see things only one way" make decisions for her. This is not a simplistic right/wrong decision, it's complex. Regarding selfishness: alleviating one's own guilty conscience by devastating the one they care about, simply because the burden is hard to bear, is selfish. And it doesn't work. If alleviation of guilt is the motivation, that's an argument for NOT confessing. DarkSideofTheMoon- the moniker is appropriate. Thank you for affirming. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 Regarding selfishness: alleviating one's own guilty conscience by devastating the one they care about, simply because the burden is hard to bear, is selfish. And it doesn't work. If alleviation of guilt is the motivation, that's an argument for NOT confessing. I do not think that the motivation for confessing really matters much than the fact that the other person deserves to be able to make his own choices with the same amount of information than OP. If you have read my posts I have not judged OP, nor have I condemn her but there is nothing more selfish than steal other people life reality for your own good and still say that it is for the other person's good. While the act of cheating is horrible to my eyes is also excusable due to the very nature of her relationship (LDR), and the fact that we are humans and we can take the wrong decision in a moment of time (when the cheating has obviously been one time), the consequent lies about the fact is up to my point of view unforgivable as you take the decision every day to lie and disrespect the person you are in a relationship with. So, yes, not telling is utterly selfish! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 I do not think that the motivation for confessing really matters much than the fact that the other person deserves to be able to make his own choices with the same amount of information than OP. If you have read my posts I have not judged OP, nor have I condemn her but there is nothing more selfish than steal other people life reality for your own good and still say that it is for the other person's good. While the act of cheating is horrible to my eyes is also excusable due to the very nature of her relationship (LDR), and the fact that we are humans and we can take the wrong decision in a moment of time (when the cheating has obviously been one time), the consequent lies about the fact is up to my point of view unforgivable as you take the decision every day to lie and disrespect the person you are in a relationship with. So, yes, not telling is utterly selfish! I understand your reasoning, and appreciate that it is a reasoned opinion as opposed to the often seen harsh knee-jerk moralistic reactions. I just believe that it's a complex issue and that no one answer is automatically correct for all situations and all individuals. That's why I only advised her to slow down and think it through with the help of a therapist. I've thought about making a thread about this, but I'm afraid that it would devolve pretty quickly. The betrayed party's right is not necessarily the bottom line as rights are relative, not absolute. I would only suggest viewing each situation from multiple perspectives and trying to ascertain which is most appropriate for the situation and the individuals involved, as opposed to the person posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maria_maria Posted May 30, 2013 Author Share Posted May 30, 2013 I do not think that the motivation for confessing really matters much than the fact that the other person deserves to be able to make his own choices with the same amount of information than OP. If you have read my posts I have not judged OP, nor have I condemn her but there is nothing more selfish than steal other people life reality for your own good and still say that it is for the other person's good. While the act of cheating is horrible to my eyes is also excusable due to the very nature of her relationship (LDR), and the fact that we are humans and we can take the wrong decision in a moment of time (when the cheating has obviously been one time), the consequent lies about the fact is up to my point of view unforgivable as you take the decision every day to lie and disrespect the person you are in a relationship with. So, yes, not telling is utterly selfish! I am talking to him right now - this is really hard!!! =( Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 I am talking to him right now - this is really hard!!! =( You have all my support and I hope things will work well for you two in one or other way! Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 I understand your reasoning, and appreciate that it is a reasoned opinion as opposed to the often seen harsh knee-jerk moralistic reactions. I just believe that it's a complex issue and that no one answer is automatically correct for all situations and all individuals. That's why I only advised her to slow down and think it through with the help of a therapist. I've thought about making a thread about this, but I'm afraid that it would devolve pretty quickly. The betrayed party's right is not necessarily the bottom line as rights are relative, not absolute. I would only suggest viewing each situation from multiple perspectives and trying to ascertain which is most appropriate for the situation and the individuals involved, as opposed to the person posting. I think whatever happens within a relationship is never just the fault of one person, but when one person decides to go outside and cheat that is just on one of them (everyone should own up to their actions). But I don't think people who cheat are demons or monsters, we are all weak and we all have done things we are not proud of , the difference is how we deal with those things we have done! Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 I am talking to him right now - this is really hard!!! =( I hope this means you've decided to try to work things out and do whatever you have to do to restore his trust in you and his self-respect. If you are telling him and believe you are going to break up anyway I just don't see the point of burdening him with extra pain. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) I hope this means you've decided to try to work things out and do whatever you have to do to restore his trust in you and his self-respect. If you are telling him and believe you are going to break up anyway I just don't see the point of burdening him with extra pain. For respect to the other person? How would it be less painful if she breaks with him out of the blue that if she explains him the truth and gives him the possibility to choose? Edited May 30, 2013 by therhythm Link to post Share on other sites
Author maria_maria Posted May 30, 2013 Author Share Posted May 30, 2013 You have all my support and I hope things will work well for you two in one or other way! Started out very rough... still talking... not sure what is gong to happen... but one thing he did say, was thank you for being honest... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
AlexDP Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 As I start to write this, I fear (and know), I will get abasing comments geared towards myself and recent indiscretion. Say what you like - but judgment upon my character is unwarranted. Trust me, I am beating myself and hating myself right now - I don't need others to make me feel worse. I have been in a LD relationship for the past 11 months. During this time, I have seen my BF two discrete times (11 months ago and four months ago). I would like to say that our relationship is very strong - I love him dearly. Up until yesterday, I didn't care about the sex (we have not had it yet)... and it has been five years since I had been intimate with someone (mind you, I am in my mid-thirties). MY BF and want to and tried a few times (but too much anxiety). Not saying this to justify my action but give some background info. To cut to the chase - I had a one night stand last night (and yes, protection was used). It was very a la Julia Robert style - everything but kissing. I feel so bad and terrible... I feel like I am dead, like I have betrayed someone I really care about. I have never done anything like this before (again, I am 35). I tried to tell my BF today but it was in an innocuous way... trying to build up the courage to tell him. He had emailed that 'he will love me forever' and I replied, "unconditionally?" His reaction to that (as I think he was starting to assume that was my point) - was not good, so I chickened out. He basically freaked out and started crying... and I could not go through with it. I left the unconditional be vague and let it go... This worked as though we both speak English, his first language is German and there sometimes are miscommunications caused by translation. I am not sure what to do now. I don't want to break up with him... I don't want to hurt him... I am so mad at myself for what I did. Why do people cheat if they truly care about the other? Why would I do something like this as it is so out of cha racter (again, remember - I was celibate for 5 years). Can anybody relate, console, or have some insights? You didn't have sex in five years, your boyfriend couldn't make it happen. You really wanted to get laid. So you did. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 You didn't have sex in five years, your boyfriend couldn't make it happen. You really wanted to get laid. So you did. Man, do you know her reasons better than she does? Why does it even the reasons matter, she is truly remorseful and she is confessing what she did to her boyfriend, he is the one who needs to make a judgment, your judgment is not really helpful! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 My thoughts are with you Maria! I believe you're doing the right thing. He had a right to know. Be honest with him and support him as much as you can through this. I admire your bravery. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 Maria, even if things turn for the worst (God forbid) and your relationships ends, at least you can be proud of yourself. By admitting to your mistake, and by trying to change and never let it happen again, you've proven that you're a decent and honest woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AlexDP Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 Man, do you know her reasons better than she does? Why does it even the reasons matter, she is truly remorseful and she is confessing what she did to her boyfriend, he is the one who needs to make a judgment, your judgment is not really helpful! It's not judgment. It is merely a representation of the facts. 1. She has not had sex in five years. 2. Her long distance boyfriend has not been able to have sex with her. 3. She did have a one night stand, so she was obviously willing to have sex. All I did was put these facts in order. You are the one connecting the dots, not me. So if you are here, calling me judgmental, please understand that it is you, not me, who is doing the judging. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 I actually hope he finds it in his heart to forgive her, she has been very brave to come clean with him, it does not erase what she did but into my eyes it totally put it under another perspective. She may find some troubles in the fact that Op's boyfriend hasn't got to haver sex with her and other guy did. If he can pass through that then I think there is hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maria_maria Posted May 30, 2013 Author Share Posted May 30, 2013 I actually hope he finds it in his heart to forgive her, she has been very brave to come clean with him, it does not erase what she did but into my eyes it totally put it under another perspective. She may find some troubles in the fact that Op's boyfriend hasn't got to haver sex with her and other guy did. If he can pass through that then I think there is hope. I am not sure if he can forgive me. The trust has def. been shattered. I just got of the phone with him (4.5 hrs)... that was the longest and toughest conversation I have ever had. It would have been so easy for me to lie to him - he lives in a different country... BUT am glad that I chose a different path. The easy way out - is not always the best route and I appreciate your help and honesty on this matter. I hurt him terribly and I don't deserve him. It is going to take a lot of time to begin to mend and pick up these pieces. For today - he is willing to work through this but what I did, cannot be forgotten (though maybe one day, hopefully forgiven). I have learned a lot from this situation and whatever happens in the future with my BF, I am glad I told him the truth. It would not have been fair nor right for me to lie - hurting him by telling him sucked. He even noted that... but the only way to move forward (for me) after my actions was to show a willingness to confess and be honest. I don't want a relationship built on a lie... not would it have been fair for me to take away his choice in deciding how he would like to proceed from here... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 Very proud of you. You're probably down in the dumps and hurting, but I bet you feel about 20 pounds lighter. Now, it's time to put in the work. You still aren't off the hook. He's going to go on a ride. It's called the roller coaster of emotions. One minute he'll be happy, the next he'll be sad for no reason; like flipping a switch. One minute he'll be laughing, the next he'll be crying. One minute he'll be content, the next he'll be screaming at you. One minute, he loves you and the next he hates you and can't stand the sight of you. You don't know how long this ride is going to last. The question is, are you willing to ride it out with him and take the "punches" that this coaster is going to throw at you? Another thing that may or may not happen is in two months when he comes out to visit, he might want to have sex with you and I mean A LOT of sex. This isn't a symbol of forgiveness, it's called hysterical bonding. It's a subconscious animalistic response to "reclaim" what he believes is his. If this happens DO NOT read too much into it, just take it for what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maria_maria Posted May 31, 2013 Author Share Posted May 31, 2013 You didn't have sex in five years, your boyfriend couldn't make it happen. You really wanted to get laid. So you did. Obviously, I did want to get laid... otherwise I wouldn't have given it up after 5 years. Yes, I wanted sex... but the smarter decision would have been to buy a vibrator then to do what I did. "They" say that people are animals - underneath it all - and I agree... but even if I wanted something, I should have at least used my brain. Though it might not be evident from my actions - I do have a brain - I am months away from getting my PhD... wanting and being deprived does not justify hurting someone that you care about. Someone can satisfy themselves sexually in many ways... obviously, I chose the wrong way... Maybe I should have spoken to my BF about this.... the sexual urge that had been building up. Yes, I should have!!!! I didn't because I didn't want to make him feel like he did not satisfy me. Lesson learned again is honesty. Had I spoken to him about this - how much I longed for his touch... then maybe it wouldn't have been a disaster ready to happen. All I can think of are those stupid horror movies where the girl is running upstairs when the killer is in the house. Not a smart move. You watch those movies and start to commentary - "what are you doing." Immediate instinct and self-preservation are not necessary the smartest decision. Though I longed and wanted to feel someone close - I could have gone about it smarter.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 (edited) Maria, even if things turn for the worst (God forbid) and your relationships ends, at least you can be proud of yourself. By admitting to your mistake, and by trying to change and never let it happen again, you've proven that you're a decent and honest woman. I don't know if she can necessarily be proud of herself. I don't think confessing to her bf absolves her. She can unload her guilt and feel a lot better about it if he says he forgives her and stays on as her bf. As it stands without telling him, she is feeling rotten about it, which she should (up to a point....caving in to have sex once in 5 years is hardly outrageous behavior). I can see merit in both sides of the argument here, but I tend to agree with sal that she should do what she thinks is right for her situation. While I would want to know if a gf cheated on me (which is how others here will see it from their perspective too), the idea I thought anyway with posts here is to give the OP advice for their dilemma (not their partner, who is blissfully ignorant). Keeping him in the dark is not exactly right, but she crossed over that mark already when she got down on all fours for some other guy. In terms of cheating this scenario is about as low down on the sin scale as you can get imo. (the worst being cheaters who actively seek out others on many occasions and then gaslight their partner over any doubts they have). I just don't get long term LDRs. The desire to have sex and physical affection and close companionship puts too much strain on a relationship. Edited May 31, 2013 by ascendotum Link to post Share on other sites
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