Author maria_maria Posted May 31, 2013 Author Share Posted May 31, 2013 I don't know if she can necessarily be proud of herself. I don't think confessing to her bf absolves her. QUOTE] Trust me - not proud. It should have never ever ever happened in the first place. The only thing I am in this moment is grateful - that at least for today (not sure about tomorrow)... that my BF is willing to try and work with me through this. Yes, I don't deserve this... nor do I deserve him... Confessing does not "absolve" anything. It just puts it out there and from here, we shall see what happens... I don't deserve a second chance but am grateful that he is at least willing to consider it. Would shave my head (and my hair is about 20" long), if needed too... I would quit drinking... I would freaking stop eating, if he asked me too (and trust me, I'm slender enough). Basically, I would give up all my lower order Maslow hexarchy needs, if it meant building back this relationship. Again - confessing is not a remission of sins. I am not going to a priest for confession. However, considering my unscrupulous actions, confession to him is warranted. He does deserve better then me. Regardless if before this I had always been faithful (i'm 35).. regardless if before this I was celibate for 5 years... Nothing is undone nor can be undone... I still hate myself... hate myself very very very very very very much. But at least - despite my stupid stupid stupid stupid behavior - I let him know the truth. There is no way he would have ever found out unless I let him know (99.9% sure of this)... but at least with the honesty, I can do whatever it takes to very slowly regain back his love and adoration. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author maria_maria Posted May 31, 2013 Author Share Posted May 31, 2013 I don't know if she can necessarily be proud of herself. I don't think confessing to her bf absolves her. QUOTE] Trust me - not proud. It should have never ever ever happened in the first place. The only thing I am in this moment is grateful - that at least for today (not sure about tomorrow)... that my BF is willing to try and work with me through this. Yes, I don't deserve this... nor do I deserve him... Confessing does not "absolve" anything. It just puts it out there and from here, we shall see what happens... I don't deserve a second chance but am grateful that he is at least willing to consider it. Would shave my head (and my hair is about 20" long), if needed too... I would quit drinking... I would freaking stop eating, if he asked me too (and trust me, I'm slender enough). Basically, I would give up all my lower order Maslow hexarchy needs, if it meant building back this relationship. Again - confessing is not a remission of sins. I am not going to a priest for confession. However, considering my unscrupulous actions, confession to him is warranted. He does deserve better then me. Regardless if before this I had always been faithful (i'm 35).. regardless if before this I was celibate for 5 years... Nothing is undone nor can be undone... I still hate myself... hate myself very very very very very very much. But at least - despite my stupid stupid stupid stupid behavior - I let him know the truth. There is no way he would have ever found out unless I let him know (99.9% sure of this)... but at least with the honesty, I can do whatever it takes to very slowly regain back his love and adoration. Again - still hate myself very very very very much... more then just the superficial of shaving m head... do deserve corporeal punishment if such a legal felony existed. With the Scarlet leter- maybe a tattoo is in order??? Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 Think about this rationally. What is the desired outcome? How does telling him get you closer to that outcome?This isn't some selfish game in which the TS is only trying to maneuver for her own benefit. This is about respecting your significant other, even when telling the truth might have a cost. That is the essence of love and respect. You're not only concerned about your own self-interest. How can you say you love someone if all you care about is how the outcome affects your position? You can't. That's called being calculated and selfish. Do you think confessing is akin to undoing? Do you think he should be punished for you having done something wrong? Do you really think you'll feel any better for having devastated him?This is very bad logic. "I'm not telling him that I cheated because I don't want to hurt him." Trust me, he would want to know. Some people end the relationship and move on, others forgive and reconcile...but no one wants to be kept in the dark. In my personal experience, I can't think of a single person who'd prefer being a clueless cuckold (male or female) to knowing the truth. Don't assume your boyfriend is in the minority of people who would rather shut their eyes to the truth. He most likely isn't. Also be honest to yourself. Ask yourself "am I really afraid of telling the truth because I don't want to hurt him, or am I afraid of telling the truth because I don't want to hurt myself" Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 (edited) Trust me - not proud. It should have never ever ever happened in the first place. The only thing I am in this moment is grateful - that at least for today (not sure about tomorrow)... that my BF is willing to try and work with me through this. Yes, I don't deserve this... nor do I deserve him... Confessing does not "absolve" anything. It just puts it out there and from here, we shall see what happens... I don't deserve a second chance but am grateful that he is at least willing to consider it. Would shave my head (and my hair is about 20" long), if needed too... I would quit drinking... I would freaking stop eating, if he asked me too (and trust me, I'm slender enough). Basically, I would give up all my lower order Maslow hexarchy needs, if it meant building back this relationship. Again - confessing is not a remission of sins. I am not going to a priest for confession. However, considering my unscrupulous actions, confession to him is warranted. He does deserve better then me. Regardless if before this I had always been faithful (i'm 35).. regardless if before this I was celibate for 5 years... Nothing is undone nor can be undone... I still hate myself... hate myself very very very very very very much. But at least - despite my stupid stupid stupid stupid behavior - I let him know the truth. There is no way he would have ever found out unless I let him know (99.9% sure of this)... but at least with the honesty, I can do whatever it takes to very slowly regain back his love and adoration. You are right, you can't be proud of cheating on your boyfriend, there is nothing to be proud about that and I hope you have learned your lesson for the rest of your life, once can be a off character weak moment more times would denote a character flaw. But you can be proud of being a person who is humble and can recognize when has done something wrong, you can be proud of being a person who understands the pain you have done and is willing to work to heal that pain, you can be proud of showing enough respect for the person who you have deceived as to give him a choice of staying with you or not after what you did. There is two direct benefits I see already in the fact that you came clean with your boyfriend, the first one is that you have seen the consequences of your wrong choice in the pain of the person that you love and that will hopefully help you to think twice before making the same mistake, second is that he knows you may cheat on him but he knows as well that if you would do something like that you will tell him and that will help you to rebuild the trust that has been lost in this relationship. Good luck the rest of your life and I hope you guys will be able to work out your problems. By the way, do you see a possibility of him ever moving close to you or you ever moving close to him? I would not sustain a LTR if there is not a possibility of a future together! Edited May 31, 2013 by therhythm 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pcplod Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 (edited) Hmm. Long distance relationship of 11 months. Do you think it has a purpose, a conclusion? Do you know it has a conclusion, one that is known and quantified? I don't know what to say to you. It is one of those issues, one of those Berlin walls. One of those of your own creation, not only in terms of what you have done, but also how you feel about it. And in all of this there is him. His personality, his character, his psyche. What age is he? Is he a strong character? Is he an emotionally mature person? If he is crying at even a vague inference that could meaning anything or nothing, be entirely theoretical, it doesn't exactly sound promising. Infatuation. I don't do infatuation. Some people would probably find that disappointing. Love; what is it? Is love an impulse? Is it a construction? Is it just something that is, or is it something that grows as it is nurtured? Is it something that is cast in stone or is it something that is more ephemeral? Is it something that can only survive on absolute trust, or is it something more than that? Is it something that can be less than perfect and still thrive, survive? Or is it something that can't survive a fundamental transgression because it is intrinsically wrong or because the 'wronged' party does have the mettle to cope with it, has some fundamental character flaw that they have brought into the relationship with them? I really, really don't know, about myself, never mind anyone else. All I know is that if you tell him that it is almost inevitably over, by the sounds of it. What do you do? suck it up and take it to the grave with you? Could you even contemplate that? Or do you unload your 'soul' and suffer the fall-out? Instinct and probability instinctively tell me, for one reason or another, the distance, his character, your transgression, or whatever else, that this relationship will not survive the distance. But that is not exactly a high risk punt is it? How many relationships last the distance, whatever that phrase may mean to each of us? Many last the distance technically but have died a lot earlier emotionally and are just waiting for the formal end. Maybe being lonely is telling you something about this relationship? It really, really is a rather tired old cliché; "two people in love are not always destined to be together". That doesn't mean it isn't true though, does it? Edited May 31, 2013 by pcplod 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pinkstar Posted June 2, 2013 Share Posted June 2, 2013 I'm not saying you did the right thing, but how do u know if he didn't have sex in the past 11 months? As far as I have known men, 11 months is a loooooooooong time for them to survive without sex. Link to post Share on other sites
strongnrelaxed Posted June 2, 2013 Share Posted June 2, 2013 Ugh, tough situation. Don't tell him. !! I agree. I cheated on my then girlfriend almost 20 years ago and confessed. We are going through a divorce now. This has haunted me and us ever since. Cheating is a life sentence if you tell. I hope he never finds out. It is better if you leave him because if you cheated once you will cheat again. This is something the strong women in my life have taught me. Leave the poor guy before you do this again. You do not want a trail of lies between you. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts