Is my marriage salvagable?

[lostandconfusedman]

Not sure I really want to post this on a public forum but here goes,

 

Going back 10 years or so I had just moved back to town with a girlfriend of mine. She had just finished high school and was going to start college here. While going to high school here I met my future wife (although I was still living with the girlfriend I moved here with for a week until she threw me out).

 

My wife and I hit it off great from the start, says that she knew we would be married some day when she first looked at me. I friend of both of ours said that we should start going out and we have been together ever since (until 5/25).

 

Unfortunately, she had a very rough childhood and was taken away from her parents due to things like heavy drug use, trouble with the law, etc. So when I met her she was in the foster child program and of course they thought I was a bad influence and tried to restrict us seeing each other but we would just sneak around instead. We ended up pregnant and were both stoked. Things were great, but they were going to send her to a place were they teach you to care for kids and very much restrict what you can do (phone calls, visits, etc). I ended up moving back to my hometown and the bonus was that it was closer to where she was anyways.

 

I got a job and met a girl, made some very very very stupid choices and when my future wife found out she was livid. We ended up working our way through it and she forgave me and we were able to get past it. Move ahead a few months and we are having our first baby, we had tons of pressure put on us by catholic social services to give up the baby even going to the extent of threatening to take the baby away and throw me in jail if she didn't sign the adoption papers. We have never really talked about this much as it is painful for both of us. After this she went back to the town where we met and was living with her at that time caretaker/foster parent. I would drive up to see her and we would have a great time together. I ended up moving back there was well.

 

Move ahead a little bit and she is finally 18 and the state no longer has any say on what she can do. We moved her into my apartment that day and stayed there until we decided to move yet again back to my hometown and were living in a basement apartment at one of my relative's houses.

 

I once again made a stupid decision and started spending a lot of time talking to this girl online (nothing sexual just flirty). I wasn't sure what I wanted to do and suggested that we have a few days apart to think about things. When she returned we worked things out and broke contact with the other woman.

 

The relative who's house we were living in passed away and I was having a very hard time with it so we moved yet again back to the town where we met.

 

When we were back living here after awhile she said that she had slept with a friend of ours and I was furious. I confronted him about it and he said nothing happened. I went and talked to the future wife about it and she said that she had made it up. It was quite awhile ago and I don't remember the whole story.

 

Anywho moving on, fast forward a few years and we are both showing some responsibility, getting jobs and such. At her job she met this guy but she says nothing happened and I believe her, although I was worried because for a little bit there she would be out with him until late 2-3am but I believed her and moved on (they stopped talking to each other). At the end of that she was talking about leaving and saying she didn't love me anymore and things like that (which she later said she didn't mean). We stayed together and she quit that job and got a job at another place where soon I started working (and still do).

 

a bit later we found out we were pregnant again and were super stoked that now no one could try to take it away from us. We had our little girl and things were alright. Move forward another couple years and she had worked a few different places but I have stayed at the same job. We almost broke up again (she was tired of rumors going around that she was seeing this guy. They texted constantly and it drove me nuts) but managed to stick through it and worked things out again.

 

Move ahead about 6 months from that and we are having another baby, and we are so happy.

 

I never thought I was very good with kids so I let her handle most of the taking care of the kids (which are about one is 1.5 and the other is 5). She also did the majority of the housework. After we had the youngest child she thought she wanted to be a stay at home mom and it has been that way up until a few months ago when she started working again.

 

I have always bought her gifts, kissed, hugged, and loved this woman. If she seemed down I would ask her what was wrong but would usually get "the kids" or "nothing". Everything seemed to be going normal, I knew I should have been doing more around the house but I would feel exhausted after work and the wife and I would watch tv and usually ask about each others days and talk and laugh. We love to cook together and were even talking about opening a restaurant sometime in the future after we were more financially stable.

 

Well everything seems okay then a few weeks ago she tells me a relative of hers is very sick and has to go see her. She was gone for 4 days and when she got back I had been working a long stint at work and was tired and didn't want to do much for the first few days after she was home (we have different schedules where I would get off at 3pm and she would go to work at 3pm and would only see her from 11pm until I would go to work at 7am. She has recently lose a little bit of weight and her wedding ring has been having trouble staying on. She left it on the dresser and I said "are you just going to leave that there like that" (not sure what I was thinking). Anyways I went to work and through the day sent her a message to tell her I ordered her a suprise. She said she didn't want it and that we needed to talk after work. I walked over there she brought the kids out to the car and basically told me that she is done and is moving 100s of miles away leaving me with our two daughters and will be staying at a hotel until someone comes to get her. She said she didn't even want to come visit the kids. I couldn't talk her out of it, she said she was tired of our oldest child (5) not listening and yelling back at her. (I do step in when this happens as I feel she should respect her mother) She feels that I am leaving her behind (my promotion at work etc, she wants to go to college).

 

I tried to tell her that we can do anything she wants to. She let me come and see her at her hotel room and we talked about alot of stuff (she was sobbing the entire time) We even talked about our first child we had to put up for adoption. I ask her to reconsider but she said her mind is made up. She mentions wanting to do things like have picnics and do more out of the house activities together. She mentioned her getting up every night with the baby and I told her that I don't hear the baby and if she wants me to get up just jump on me, wake me up and tell me -- go take care of our baby! She tells me I was a great husband and am a great father, tells me everything will be okay. I ask her if instead of calling the whole thing off (she was talking divorce!) she wants to take some time to figure out the things she wants to do and not make any hasty decisions. She said it was reasonable and said okay. She even mentioned getting so mad at the older child that she is scared she will hurt her (I don't be believe she would do that) and wants me to have full custody of the kids.

 

The next day I called her and asked her if I could take her out to dinner that night. I made a special lantern lit dinner (her favorite dinner) and had a midnight picnic in the park where we got married. She said she had a good time and had alot of thinking to do.

 

The next day she asks me if I will have lunch with her, she said she thought we could say our goodbyes. She said something about not being able to eat much the past few days and I said I haven't been able to either and that I wish she would reconsider. She said that if we could have a good time together and talk about stuff other than "us" that she was considering reconsidering. I avoid the subject completely from then on and just try to focus on having a good time. I take her back to her hotel and she tells me "if we never see each other again then this is goodbye." We had a big hug and when she got out of the car I told her that I love her and I wish she would change her mind and she said I love you too. Well come around the next day she has left town and I send her a message on facebook telling her I found a box that she said she had left and asked what to do with it. She said to give it to her boss at her old job and she would send it with some things she forgot at the hotel. I told her if that is what she wishes I will do it and told her that if she ever wants to talk I'll be here to lend and ear and said I would give her all the space she needs and wants. I said it is the least I can do since I am still your husband. That was yesterday morning and she has not said a word to me since.

 

We have had our fair share of ups and downs but we have stayed strong through it all. I love this woman more than anything and it seriously hurts me to be going through this.

 

Is my marriage saveable? Is her being upset unable to eat and crying when she was telling me everything a sign that she still has feelings for me? I'm going to be focusing on myself and the kids, keeping up on the housework and hoping she will change her mind. It really hurts me the way she did this and no one else can believe it either. My friends and relatives think she doesn't know what she wants and will be back in a few weeks.

 

Should I be trying to talk to her and work through this or should I really just sit back, give her space, and hope she changes her mind?

 

lostandconfusedman

 

Edit: Some of this stuff was so long ago that I haven't though about it in years, it's really interesting to look at it this way all laid out in the open.

Edited May 29, 2013 by lostandconfusedman

[Eggplant]

What is her reason for leaving?

 

Is she leaving just you, or does she want to abandon her children as well?

 

Just focus on your children for now -- that's all you can do, as she seems emotional and unpredictable.

 

She seems on the verge of a break-down, and maybe could use some space and counseling.

[lostandconfusedman]

What is her reason for leaving?

 

Is she leaving just you, or does she want to abandon her children as well?

 

Just focus on your children for now -- that's all you can do, as she seems emotional and unpredictable.

 

She seems on the verge of a break-down, and maybe could use some space and counseling.

 

She is leaving the children as well, she has a history of depression but hasn't taken anything for it for a few years. She spoke with a friend of mine a few weeks ago and he said he thinks she feels neglected. but we spend alot of good enjoyable time together on a daily basis, i never forget her birthday our anniversary, or anything. He also mentioned that she has had some outside influence to this from a family member of hers and also a female friend of hers (who has two kids and another on the way all with different people) as well.

 

lostandconfusedman

 

edit: let me put dinner in the oven and i will list them out

 

Reasons I was given:

 

She feels alone

Worn out from caring for the kids

Scared she will loose her temper and injure our oldest child

Feels like she is being left behind (I am working up the hotel management ladder, still near the bottom though unfortunately)

She wants to go to college (I told her she doesn't have to leave us to do this!)

Said that she doesn't feel like we are right for each other anymore

She is in constant pain from her fibromyalga

 

Also, she was in the past harassed and threatened on the phone by an old boyfriend (threating her life and the life of her family, she has talked to the police but they couldn't do anything about it) and after she left me she told me she got a call from him again but right away said that it has nothing to do with why she's leaving.

 

Edit again: Maybe I should mention that her actions are nothing like the wife I married. Every one of my relatives and friends that know both of us can't believe she is doing this. They could never picture her walking out on her kids EVER.

Edited May 30, 2013 by lostandconfusedman

[Eggplant]

Your wife should agree to counseling. She is not well. She needs help.

 

You however cannot make your wife do the right thing. All you can do is control what you do, and most importantly look after the children. The trauma of abandonment by a mother is awful. Just be there for them. And encourage her family to help her.

[lostandconfusedman]

Your wife should agree to counseling. She is not well. She needs help.

 

You however cannot make your wife do the right thing. All you can do is control what you do, and most importantly look after the children. The trauma of abandonment by a mother is awful. Just be there for them. And encourage her family to help her.

 

When we had our talk I asked her if she would agree to marriage counseling. She is not open to the idea. I know it is her choice to come back or not and I am not trying to make her do it. I know in the end it will be her choice. As for her family, they never liked me. I doubt they would listen to anything I have to say as they are the ones she going to be staying with.

 

I just want to know if I should have any hope, I am so emotionally drained right now. I love my wife unconditionally and would go to the ends of the earth for her. Does it sound like there is any chance of her return?

 

Edit: Should I be trying to convince her to come home or just let her do what she needs to do?

Edited May 30, 2013 by lostandconfusedman

[pteromom]

She even mentioned getting so mad at the older child that she is scared she will hurt her (I don't be believe she would do that) and wants me to have full custody of the kids.

 

I would NOT discount this. For a mother to say this, it means she really believes it.

 

IMO, your wife needs some serious help. Would she consider taking some time in a voluntary mental health program? That would be a lot more helpful than just running away.

 

I feel so badly for your children either way. Man....

 

You should definitely see an individual counselor. For yourself as well as options to help your wife.

 

I have no idea if she will come back or not. My gut says that the "sick friend" is a man she is seeing, and that her "running away" is really running to him. Just going by what you've shared here.

 

And keep taking care of those kids. They need you to be stable and logical and on their side if they have any hope of turning out emotionally OK from this.

[Quiet Storm]

I don't know if she'll come back. If she does come back, she is likely to do this again.

 

Her childhood sounds like her mother did not bond with her, and this is now repeating with your kids. She did not have a good model for a mother. Experiencing childhood trauma can sometimes cause a person to detach from their feelings. It works well to protect kids from overwhelming emotions, but can become automatic. This detachment can also numb positive feelings. This unhealthy.defense mechanism could've made leaving her kids easier.

 

These issues won't be resolved without lots of therapy. She will continue to be lost and flounder around, hurting her kids & others on her quest for happiness.

 

You have your own issues to work on. She has hers. You can be a good father, and a better man regardless of what she does.

 

Your kids need a stable force in their lives. She is not capable, so you must really step up for your kids right now. She may not ever be. I fear she is the type to be in & out of their lives, and that constant inconsistentsy and instability can do more harm than not having her in their lives at all.

 

If she does want to come back, I would give her conditions. It is not fair for you to be at the mercy of her emotions (or lack of). Tell her must get help.

 

BTW. My sister has borderline personality disorder and she also said that she was not a good mother and her son would be better of without her. He is 10 now and has issues with abandonment. Get your kids help to deal with this.

[lostandconfusedman]

I will always be there for my children and having them around to keep me company is a godsend right now. I feel overwhelmed at times but over the past week or so each day has gotten slightly better. I never thought this could happen to us, and never saw it coming. I am going to give the 180 a shot if for nothing else then to ease the emotional pain.

 

Thank you for the phone number for the counselor,

 

Lostandconfusedman

[Oberfeldwebel]

Elizabeth Taylor was married 8 times to 7 men, Zsa Zsa Gabor was married to 9 men, so we don't always marry and live happily ever after. This is the extreme naturally, but the fact is this has been a challenged relationship, but your little girls will always be your daughters. Crying, begging and pleading makes you look weak and no woman wants a man that with that behavior.

 

You have a lot of things to do and none of it includes her right now. First you need to be the best homemaker you can for the girls. Schedule fun age appropriate things for the three of you to do with the girls. I don't know if you are a religious man, but the church can be a help for you and teach good values to the girls. Look within yourself and research where you think you made errors in the relationship and how you can improve yourself.

 

Don't worry about what she is doing as you cannot control her anyway. Leaving her children is something that she will regret, but can't say what she will do and you need to prepare for it to end. Don't look to enter a new relationship, allow yourself to heal. Eventually, you will be ready to move on and take care of the legal matters. Don't worry about the women you lost, you have two very beautiful young ladies in your life, that should be your focus.

[lostandconfusedman]

Well I figured I should post an update, I had too much fun over the weekend and chipped my ankle. Won't be able to drive for awhile unfortunately. I spoke with one of our mutual friends, said she promised not to say anything but she had to check on me after my wife told her what happened. She said she doesn't understand why she is doing this to me and said "Everything will work out better in the end everything happens for a reason. ?". Not sure what that is supposed to mean though.

 

I broke no contact yesterday and sent her a message to see how she is. She said she is okay. We chatted for a few minutes avoiding "us" completely. When the subject of the kids came up I said they are taking it rough but we are just going day by day. After that she said she had to go.

 

How should I be reading this situation? Each day has been better than the last (thinking about her slightly less often).

 

Lostandconfusedman

[worldgonewrong]

I think she has some major depressive issues, feeling mid-life-crisis-y to boot.

Some aspect of this DOES reek of 'affair', and kids don't fit into the equation of something that's swept her up on the side.

[lostandconfusedman]

I will be sending her a box of stuff she forgot, I am thinking about writing her a love letter and putting it in there to send with.

 

Good idea?

 

Bad idea?

[aMguilts]

I will be sending her a box of stuff she forgot, I am thinking about writing her a love letter and putting it in there to send with.

 

Good idea?

 

Bad idea?

hiya lost

 

bad idea...very bad idea

don`t even send her stuff she forgot let alone a `love` letter to go in it

 

what do you think will happen? she`ll read it and suddenly she`ll snap out of her mood , realise she`s about to lose everything and come running back?

 

No, it`ll be the reverse.

 

from what you have put she is suffering from major depression and i`m sorry but unless she starts getting help for it there is nothing you can do

 

ok i tell a lie

there is something you can do

what you do is concentrate on yourself and your wonderful kids and make them and you as happy as possible

best thing you can do is to forget about her

she needs a wakeup call and you leaving her the hell alone will be the best way forward

and even that doesn`t kick her a$$ into doing something, at least you will be on the right road to making your situation better....for you. not her.... you

time to be selfish buddy. think of yourself from now on and your kids

 

aM

[aMguilts]

I think she has some major depressive issues, feeling mid-life-crisis-y to boot.

Some aspect of this DOES reek of 'affair', and kids don't fit into the equation of something that's swept her up on the side.

i dunno WGW

 

for her to want nothing to do with the kids at all makes me just think she is majorly depressed and not having an affair at all

 

aM

[imtooconfused]

There's not much I can add, and I am seriously over-generalizing here...

 

People with troubled childhoods tend to have commitment issues. They didn't have anyone make commitments for them so they have trouble committing as an adult.

 

If you are looking for a traditional 100% committed relationship, you will probably have to move on. On the other hand, if the good points of the relationship out weigh the downside, it can be very rewarding. Counseling will help, if she is willing to go. Your role would be to be understanding and supportive, but not smothering.

[worldgonewrong]

I agree with aMguilts above- Do NOT, repeat NOT, send a love letter.

This doesn't work; I know from experience. It makes you look weak & spineless, even if that's not the reality.

[worldgonewrong]

i dunno WGW

 

for her to want nothing to do with the kids at all makes me just think she is majorly depressed and not having an affair at all

 

aM

 

Well, I see it as a heightened version of what I went through.

My ex couldn't WAIT to palm the kids off on me at every turn, in order to be with her OM. It would be Sunday night, and I'd get a text regarding the next weekend.

I could be wrong though.

[lostandconfusedman]

Had a rough time last night, couldn't stop thinking about us. Going through the same thing this morning, it feels like I am on an emotional roller coaster. I don't know how long I can take this before I need to stop the ride and get off. I told her I would give her space but I don't think I can wait forever for her to decide before I throw in the towel myself

[aMguilts]

Well, I see it as a heightened version of what I went through.

My ex couldn't WAIT to palm the kids off on me at every turn, in order to be with her OM. It would be Sunday night, and I'd get a text regarding the next weekend.

I could be wrong though.

 

you could be right too

but did yours want to move 100 miles away at the same time?

 

the op`s wife just seems to be depressed from what he`s put

 

then again....i could be wrong too;)

 

aM

[pteromom]

Had a rough time last night, couldn't stop thinking about us. Going through the same thing this morning, it feels like I am on an emotional roller coaster. I don't know how long I can take this before I need to stop the ride and get off. I told her I would give her space but I don't think I can wait forever for her to decide before I throw in the towel myself

 

What are you thinking about? Are you over-romanticizing what you have and who she is?

 

Because no matter what wonderful things you are missing, she is ALSO the woman who walked out on her husband and kids. That's part of her too.

 

You need to direct your thinking in a constructive way. Think about what is within your control and do not allow your mind to wander.

[aMguilts]

Had a rough time last night, couldn't stop thinking about us. Going through the same thing this morning, it feels like I am on an emotional roller coaster. I don't know how long I can take this before I need to stop the ride and get off. I told her I would give her space but I don't think I can wait forever for her to decide before I throw in the towel myself

 

hey lost

 

yes it IS a rollercoaster of emotions

understand that is a part of it .

 

keep giving her space

if she wants to be with you, she`ll let you know

for now, just concentrate on yourself.

believe me, there is NOTHING you can do or say to her now that will change a thing.

you getting on with your life now will work wonders thou

 

aM

[lostandconfusedman]

I guess the worst part right now is not knowing where I stand. How when it finally all came out and she told me she was leaving, wasn't open to counciling, wanted a divorce, etc. then when we talked the next day I asked her not to throw away everything we've been through to take all the time she needs to figure things out but not doing anything drastic. She said that was reasonable. But then again, when I last saw her and she said if we never see each other again then this is goodbye.

 

So confused on if there is any hope. I'm going to keep taking it a day at a time and try to make myself a better person.

 

As for having a rough time, I get to thinking about all the great times we had together, the warmth of holding her in my arms. The joy I would get waking up next to her everyday. We would have so much fun cooking together, watching movies, cuddling on the couch. She always said the sex was great and as far as I could tell she was truthful about that.

 

I can't help blaming myself that I should have seen this coming, she had been sort of withdrawn for the last bit. I would ask her if something was wrong but she would always say it was the kids, pain from her fibromyalgia, or just say it was nothing.

 

I know she said my suggestion was reasonable but is that really what she is doing or is she preparing for divorce right now?

 

It's the not knowing that is killing me right now. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything and just let her go right then. This morning I was looking at my states divorce laws and we need to be separated for 180 days before filing so this has the potential to be a very long, painful, bumpy road.

 

I want to thank all of you who have posted in this thread, talking about the situation with you guys, friends of mine, and family has really helped me come to terms with what is happening. I was such a mess before I found this site breaking down crying at work and sometimes at home.

 

This is a great community here, thank you all for being there for me in my time of need.

 

Lostandconfusedman

[pteromom]

I guess the worst part right now is not knowing where I stand.

 

So confused on if there is any hope. I'm going to keep taking it a day at a time and try to make myself a better person.

 

It's the not knowing that is killing me right now.

 

This is what I mean by focusing on that within your control. Be a good dad. Do things that bring you happiness or fulfillment. Focus on career and friendships and good books and old movies.

 

Sitting around remembering how she felt in your arms is NOT productive, and it just adds to your pain, needlessly.

 

She might come back. She might not. She might come back then leave again. You have NO control over what she does - only control over how you respond.

 

I also mentioned that I get a vibe that she is off with another guy. So if she DOES come back, I would suggest using a condom for a while in case she brings something back with her. Not trying to be pessimistic, but I just really get that vibe that she is out sowing some oats.

[aMguilts]

This is what I mean by focusing on that within your control. Be a good dad. Do things that bring you happiness or fulfillment. Focus on career and friendships and good books and old movies.

 

Sitting around remembering how she felt in your arms is NOT productive, and it just adds to your pain, needlessly.

 

She might come back. She might not. She might come back then leave again. You have NO control over what she does - only control over how you respond.

 

I also mentioned that I get a vibe that she is off with another guy. So if she DOES come back, I would suggest using a condom for a while in case she brings something back with her. Not trying to be pessimistic, but I just really get that vibe that she is out sowing some oats.

 

sorry, but i dont get that vibe

 

not all marriages end because of infidelity!!!!!

 

aM

[aMguilts]

I guess the worst part right now is not knowing where I stand. How when it finally all came out and she told me she was leaving, wasn't open to counciling, wanted a divorce, etc. then when we talked the next day I asked her not to throw away everything we've been through to take all the time she needs to figure things out but not doing anything drastic. She said that was reasonable. But then again, when I last saw her and she said if we never see each other again then this is goodbye.

 

So confused on if there is any hope. I'm going to keep taking it a day at a time and try to make myself a better person.

 

As for having a rough time, I get to thinking about all the great times we had together, the warmth of holding her in my arms. The joy I would get waking up next to her everyday. We would have so much fun cooking together, watching movies, cuddling on the couch. She always said the sex was great and as far as I could tell she was truthful about that.

 

I can't help blaming myself that I should have seen this coming, she had been sort of withdrawn for the last bit. I would ask her if something was wrong but she would always say it was the kids, pain from her fibromyalgia, or just say it was nothing.

 

I know she said my suggestion was reasonable but is that really what she is doing or is she preparing for divorce right now?

 

It's the not knowing that is killing me right now. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything and just let her go right then. This morning I was looking at my states divorce laws and we need to be separated for 180 days before filing so this has the potential to be a very long, painful, bumpy road.

 

I want to thank all of you who have posted in this thread, talking about the situation with you guys, friends of mine, and family has really helped me come to terms with what is happening. I was such a mess before I found this site breaking down crying at work and sometimes at home.

 

This is a great community here, thank you all for being there for me in my time of need.

 

Lostandconfusedman

stop thinking about divorce, filing or anthing along them lines.

 

unless you want your marriage to end??

 

if she wants to divorce... then she can file!!

 

just live your life for you now and forget about her as best you can

 

i know its tough

but it`s not impossible

 

think just about making you happy. and your children

 

aM