There are too many of 3 people in one relationship.

[WWYWW]

I know the story is very long, but I would really appreciate your feedbacks please. I’m about to take a big decision here, please help.

 

Ok so here it is. My bf Jack and I have been together for almost a year now.

 

As I am very difficult and I want to preserve myself for mister Right, so to me it was a very meaningful move to start a relationship because I want it to be life lasting. Jack seems to share this value and to be loyal which was what attracted me a lot in the first place.

 

Last July, when Jack and I just started dating, Jack met Jane in a PR-working context. Jack and Jane are both doctors and already have their own clinics in two different cities. As soon as they met, they instantly planned a partnership and acquire a new clinic together.

 

Jack finds important to have a good relationship with a business partner, which I understand, so they started to build a relationship : they would see each other 2-5 times a week, a drink after their shifts (10pm++), she invited him to cook dinner for him at her place on a Sat. eve, which he stayed until 2am, she invited him to have dinner at her dad’s house on the same week, where he stayed until 1am… (Jack told me about those home dinners only after they had occurred)… He started to give her private golf lessons every week (his initiative)… which I wasn’t aware of at all, they would text and email every day, several times per day, sending their horoscopes and thoughts, etc. and Jack also invited her twice to his “weekly boys night” with his friends, where I never went.

 

During that time, Jack and I could barely see each other once every 2 weeks or so, due to our busy schedules… this made me sad, but I was comprehensive with his busy work so didn’t make any issue out of it.

 

Beginning of August, it was Jack’s birthday and he was not sure if he wanted me coming, he was uncomfortable because he knew he had been talking bad about me to his friends and to Jane saying that I was controlling and profiteer and that I was not with him for the right reasons (he said he thought I was a gold digger, I don’t even know if he has $ or not and I couldn’t care less about it!!!!!!!)… and he was unsecure of my intentions toward him - which were completely unjustified fears.

 

In the end, literally 30 seconds before leaving, he grudgingly told me to come because he would look bad if his gf would not be present at his bday. So I went, even tho I felt extremely uncomfortable knowing that he was often talking bad about me to his friends because of his unjustified fears (that I had NEVER met at that time).

 

Jane was there with a friend. I was glad to meet her, as she seemed important to my bf, but when I tried to say hello, introduce myself or just nicely talk to her, she was avoiding any contact and she NEVER even looked at me, never replied anything, she was completely ignoring me. But, she was giving the big smiles and openly flirting with my bf in front of me, and Jack seemed very receptive to Jane’s attentions.

 

Jack didn’t give me much attention that night, he was drunk, the only time he talked to me was : “Hey, have you seen Jane? I rarely loose her out of my sight!” I pointed in her direction and he ran to see her right away… Jack made me feel like an outsider and Jane like an insider. To the point that people were asking who I was…. and thought Jane was Jack’s new gf…

 

Despite everything, I tried again to talk with her as her friend left her table, so she was alone. I asked: “It’s nice that the two of you met and you get along well so quickly” and she replied without looking at me “yeah well, Jack and I are closer than you could even imagine, we do everything together, he gives me very special personalized private golf lessons, we hang out together every day, we talk every day, we sleep together… really we do everything together and very often!” she smirked and left the table, and never looked at me.

 

These words made me feel a big pain right trough my stomach that I couldn’t endure, but I didn’t want to ruin Jack’s 30th bday evening so I just kept it for myself and saved it for the day after. I never believed that they were sleeping together tho, I trust my bf’s loyalty for this. But at this time, it was clearer than crystal that she wanted my bf and she wanted me to disappear.

 

On top of that, during that evening, Jane asked my bf’s best friend to unlock his phone and deleted my contact from my bf’s phone… I learnt that several months later, Jack didn’t tell me right away, instead he sent me an email the day after to tell me that his phone had a problem and couldn’t send sms, so to send him one… so that he could get my # back without telling me that Jane had deleted my number in his phone the night before…

 

When I told Jack about what Jane had told me, he never believed me. Instead, he told me I was a freak liar, left my place and as soon as he got in his car, he called her to tell her about it, she said she never said that to me, he believed her right away and they both laughed about it… the day after he took her to a sporting event and they spent several days together…

 

I had an important professional exam to pass the week after, so we agreed to let me finish before discussing of anything else. I really needed peace to be able to focus on the exam; as I was totally emotionally exhausted by all this (couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t concentrate, etc.).

 

After my exam, we passed an extremely pleasant day, we were so in love and all was going super well, but at the end of our day when we were driving back, I suggested we continue the evening at his place and watch a movie; which he agreed. But when we were on the highway he missed the exit on purpose and told me “It’s not working, we have to end this, I’m taking you home” without warning, I couldn’t believe he was serious, so I laughed and said to stop being silly we were having such a beautiful and loving day, and told him to take the next exit… but he was serious. I told him everything I could to reassure him that I really loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him… he stayed with me that night.

 

The day after he sent me an email confirming that he loved me incredibly much, but that it was over. Knowing I couldn’t say or do anything more then what had already been said and done, I never replied.

 

6 days later, he wrote me back to say he made a big mistake, he regretted and he wanted me back and realized that all his fears were unjustified and that they were gone. That he wanted me back with him for good and that he would write to me every day to prove his seriousness until I decide to write back.

 

He did…. and 3 weeks later, I replied. Soon after, Jack and I got back together.

 

I thought Jane was gone, but she wasn’t. I learnt one of the reasons Jack broke up with me was because he didn’t want to deceive Jane, to look like someone who’s not capable of taking decisions to her eyes… and she was encouraging him to drop me, so he did!

 

I told him to eliminate her from his life or I will leave him, because it was constantly destroying our relationship with him being secretive about their relationship, that it made me badly suffer every day (and since almost 10 months now) and I couldn’t trust him anymore. Plus, I feel it is extremely disrespectful toward me that he would not stand for me over her, especially after all that happened, but also just their relationship in general makes me look stupid and naive. If he were single, there would be no harm, but that’s not the case.

 

After another 3 months of reluctance to end the relationship with Jane and thus me badly suffering, I told Jack I will leave him if this relationship persists. Scared to loose me, he finally told Jane they would not be partners (they never made any official plans anyway except words, so it was easy just to end this!). She was sad about it, it seems. She tried to stay close to him anyway, she register at his gym (far from where she lives…) and she goes when she knows he’s there, she passes to see him at his clinic, brings him lunches, etc. and texts and emails everyday. He responds blithely to all this and enjoys the attention he gets from her, knowing that she really likes him. Plus, the staff at Jack’s clinic told him that she really seemed attracted to him and that she made it obvious!

 

After long discussions about my discomfort and feeling disrespected, Jack promised me to keep his relationship with Jane strictly professional and not to provoke any contact with her… but now that our relationship is getting more serious and he feels at his ease in our relationship, like taking it for granted, Jane is still there, like she never left… and he still doesn’t want to cut contacts with her, he says I should not decide for him whether or not he should talk to people. That yeah he promised me he would stop talking to her, but that he changed his mind. That he never had the courage to tell me he had no intention to stop talking to her because what I am asking is unreasonable according to him.

 

Even for Jane, I think it’s unfair and she is probably suffering too to know that Jack has a gf, that he takes all the attentions she gives him but remains with me.

 

Jack has several friends, female and male, and I have never said anything bad about them, I am actually happy that he has friends and I encourage him to spend time with them, I am definitely not a jealous gf! Never been one! I'm confident with myself so I don't have jealousy issues.

 

His relationship with Jane makes him hide things from me, their daily conversations, when they meet, etc. he accuses me of that being my fault if he is being secretive about that, because I am the one who is overreacting and that I should let go and accept that she is a very good friend to him.

 

This relationship between them really keeps us from taking our relationship to the next level as I am unable to trust him and he thinks that I’m overreacting about it.

 

Am I wrong to ask Jack to end this relationship with Jane?

Is there something I don’t see?

[Tinie]

Your Jack sounds like a loser. Your relationship seemed to have lacked communication, so instead of asking you about whatever was scaring him, Jack went ahead and messed around with some other woman. If an outsider can come in and ruin your relationship like that, this means the relationship wasn't really strong to begin with.

 

I don't know how you have allowed yourself to be walked on by him and that worm, Jane. Tell him, "I will give you one last warning. Get rid of Jane or I am leaving." And then leave. The reason why Jack changed his mind about going NC with Jane, it's because he sees that you're not really going to walk out on him, so he doesn't feel the need to get rid of her. Jane is a toxic leech, and she will keep sucking away at your relationship. You are NOT WRONG to tell Jack you don't want him to be talking to Jane. Jack is your BF, he should care if you feel threatened by some nosy nobody like Jane. You're not possessive or controlling since you give Jack so much freedom. Too much. Jack needs to go no contact otherwise this Jane will suck him back in.

[wascal]

I know the story is very long, but I would really appreciate your feedbacks please. I’m about to take a big decision here, please help.

 

Ok so here it is. My bf Jack and I have been together for almost a year now.

 

As I am very difficult and I want to preserve myself for mister Right, so to me it was a very meaningful move to start a relationship because I want it to be life lasting. Jack seems to share this value and to be loyal which was what attracted me a lot in the first place.

 

Last July, when Jack and I just started dating, Jack met Jane in a PR-working context. Jack and Jane are both doctors and already have their own clinics in two different cities. As soon as they met, they instantly planned a partnership and acquire a new clinic together.

 

Jack finds important to have a good relationship with a business partner, which I understand, so they started to build a relationship : they would see each other 2-5 times a week, a drink after their shifts (10pm++), she invited him to cook dinner for him at her place on a Sat. eve, which he stayed until 2am, she invited him to have dinner at her dad’s house on the same week, where he stayed until 1am… (Jack told me about those home dinners only after they had occurred)… He started to give her private golf lessons every week (his initiative)… which I wasn’t aware of at all, they would text and email every day, several times per day, sending their horoscopes and thoughts, etc. and Jack also invited her twice to his “weekly boys night” with his friends, where I never went.

 

During that time, Jack and I could barely see each other once every 2 weeks or so, due to our busy schedules… this made me sad, but I was comprehensive with his busy work so didn’t make any issue out of it.

 

Beginning of August, it was Jack’s birthday and he was not sure if he wanted me coming, he was uncomfortable because he knew he had been talking bad about me to his friends and to Jane saying that I was controlling and profiteer and that I was not with him for the right reasons (he said he thought I was a gold digger, I don’t even know if he has $ or not and I couldn’t care less about it!!!!!!!)… and he was unsecure of my intentions toward him - which were completely unjustified fears.

 

In the end, literally 30 seconds before leaving, he grudgingly told me to come because he would look bad if his gf would not be present at his bday. So I went, even tho I felt extremely uncomfortable knowing that he was often talking bad about me to his friends because of his unjustified fears (that I had NEVER met at that time).

 

Jane was there with a friend. I was glad to meet her, as she seemed important to my bf, but when I tried to say hello, introduce myself or just nicely talk to her, she was avoiding any contact and she NEVER even looked at me, never replied anything, she was completely ignoring me. But, she was giving the big smiles and openly flirting with my bf in front of me, and Jack seemed very receptive to Jane’s attentions.

 

Jack didn’t give me much attention that night, he was drunk, the only time he talked to me was : “Hey, have you seen Jane? I rarely loose her out of my sight!” I pointed in her direction and he ran to see her right away… Jack made me feel like an outsider and Jane like an insider. To the point that people were asking who I was…. and thought Jane was Jack’s new gf…

 

Despite everything, I tried again to talk with her as her friend left her table, so she was alone. I asked: “It’s nice that the two of you met and you get along well so quickly” and she replied without looking at me “yeah well, Jack and I are closer than you could even imagine, we do everything together, he gives me very special personalized private golf lessons, we hang out together every day, we talk every day, we sleep together… really we do everything together and very often!” she smirked and left the table, and never looked at me.

 

These words made me feel a big pain right trough my stomach that I couldn’t endure, but I didn’t want to ruin Jack’s 30th bday evening so I just kept it for myself and saved it for the day after. I never believed that they were sleeping together tho, I trust my bf’s loyalty for this. But at this time, it was clearer than crystal that she wanted my bf and she wanted me to disappear.

 

On top of that, during that evening, Jane asked my bf’s best friend to unlock his phone and deleted my contact from my bf’s phone… I learnt that several months later, Jack didn’t tell me right away, instead he sent me an email the day after to tell me that his phone had a problem and couldn’t send sms, so to send him one… so that he could get my # back without telling me that Jane had deleted my number in his phone the night before…

 

When I told Jack about what Jane had told me, he never believed me. Instead, he told me I was a freak liar, left my place and as soon as he got in his car, he called her to tell her about it, she said she never said that to me, he believed her right away and they both laughed about it… the day after he took her to a sporting event and they spent several days together…

 

I had an important professional exam to pass the week after, so we agreed to let me finish before discussing of anything else. I really needed peace to be able to focus on the exam; as I was totally emotionally exhausted by all this (couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t concentrate, etc.).

 

After my exam, we passed an extremely pleasant day, we were so in love and all was going super well, but at the end of our day when we were driving back, I suggested we continue the evening at his place and watch a movie; which he agreed. But when we were on the highway he missed the exit on purpose and told me “It’s not working, we have to end this, I’m taking you home” without warning, I couldn’t believe he was serious, so I laughed and said to stop being silly we were having such a beautiful and loving day, and told him to take the next exit… but he was serious. I told him everything I could to reassure him that I really loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him… he stayed with me that night.

 

The day after he sent me an email confirming that he loved me incredibly much, but that it was over. Knowing I couldn’t say or do anything more then what had already been said and done, I never replied.

 

6 days later, he wrote me back to say he made a big mistake, he regretted and he wanted me back and realized that all his fears were unjustified and that they were gone. That he wanted me back with him for good and that he would write to me every day to prove his seriousness until I decide to write back.

 

He did…. and 3 weeks later, I replied. Soon after, Jack and I got back together.

 

I thought Jane was gone, but she wasn’t. I learnt one of the reasons Jack broke up with me was because he didn’t want to deceive Jane, to look like someone who’s not capable of taking decisions to her eyes… and she was encouraging him to drop me, so he did!

 

I told him to eliminate her from his life or I will leave him, because it was constantly destroying our relationship with him being secretive about their relationship, that it made me badly suffer every day (and since almost 10 months now) and I couldn’t trust him anymore. Plus, I feel it is extremely disrespectful toward me that he would not stand for me over her, especially after all that happened, but also just their relationship in general makes me look stupid and naive. If he were single, there would be no harm, but that’s not the case.

 

After another 3 months of reluctance to end the relationship with Jane and thus me badly suffering, I told Jack I will leave him if this relationship persists. Scared to loose me, he finally told Jane they would not be partners (they never made any official plans anyway except words, so it was easy just to end this!). She was sad about it, it seems. She tried to stay close to him anyway, she register at his gym (far from where she lives…) and she goes when she knows he’s there, she passes to see him at his clinic, brings him lunches, etc. and texts and emails everyday. He responds blithely to all this and enjoys the attention he gets from her, knowing that she really likes him. Plus, the staff at Jack’s clinic told him that she really seemed attracted to him and that she made it obvious!

 

After long discussions about my discomfort and feeling disrespected, Jack promised me to keep his relationship with Jane strictly professional and not to provoke any contact with her… but now that our relationship is getting more serious and he feels at his ease in our relationship, like taking it for granted, Jane is still there, like she never left… and he still doesn’t want to cut contacts with her, he says I should not decide for him whether or not he should talk to people. That yeah he promised me he would stop talking to her, but that he changed his mind. That he never had the courage to tell me he had no intention to stop talking to her because what I am asking is unreasonable according to him.

 

Even for Jane, I think it’s unfair and she is probably suffering too to know that Jack has a gf, that he takes all the attentions she gives him but remains with me.

 

Jack has several friends, female and male, and I have never said anything bad about them, I am actually happy that he has friends and I encourage him to spend time with them, I am definitely not a jealous gf! Never been one! I'm confident with myself so I don't have jealousy issues.

 

His relationship with Jane makes him hide things from me, their daily conversations, when they meet, etc. he accuses me of that being my fault if he is being secretive about that, because I am the one who is overreacting and that I should let go and accept that she is a very good friend to him.

 

This relationship between them really keeps us from taking our relationship to the next level as I am unable to trust him and he thinks that I’m overreacting about it.

 

Am I wrong to ask Jack to end this relationship with Jane?

Is there something I don’t see?

 

 

Wow. This is an amazing story. It felt like i was watching a movie almost.

I think you have done mostly the right thing. It is easy for people on the outside to say it is not your choice who his friends are. I think we all understand that.

 

..But the factor is shes more than a friend. That is clear reading this story for me. I don't quite know exactly what she is, but she definitely wants him.

But this could all be a game of cat and mouse. She only wants him when she cant have him. The way he gets defencive about her makes me wonder. The fact she got in his head about leaving you...

 

See what i see here is, she pulls the strings. She asked him to dump you. He did.

You asked him not to talk to her because it makes you uncomfortable. He wont...

 

I really wonder .. if he wants this women but he just cant have her?

 

I don't really have any constructive advice im sorry

I just really think, maybe for you. You should move on. Let him be the loser.

 

She wont want him when he is free. Like the first time. He came back to you... Dont let him ?