GreySkyMorning Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 To know they've left us totally devastated? I mean, is it some kind of ego trip to know that someone cared about you that much? I really think that sometimes. It's time for this all to end. No NC, just the end. I don't want him back anymore. I could never get over what he's done to me anymore. I could never live with who I've turned into in order to try to please him. I made the mistake of starting back up with him again. Nothing physical yet, but definitely emotional. Although, I again made the mistake of letting him know when I was feeling like he wasnt treating me right. So he took the opportunity to stab me in the heart again, twist everything back into how horrible I've treated him and stomp all over me on his way back out the door. I'm such an idiot. This pain starts all over again now. I'm right back to where I was in march. Link to post Share on other sites
GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 <3 I know exactly what this feels like and I'm sorry you're hurting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 Ugh, Grey. I feel your pain. Really, I do. Sometimes you need to stick your toe back in, only to have it bitten again, to realize the fish aren't going to stop. Ok, that was a stupid analogy. I went LC instead of NC and received (and responded to) a series of emotionally laden emails from ExMM. Each one got more ridiculous, basically twisting it all around so that I abandoned him (he is STILL with his wife), I don't love him like he loves me, etc. etc. The last one was 9 days ago...not that I'm counting. I finally stopped responding. I think I am finally done. Done, done, done. That doesn't mean I don't still think about him constantly...I just know I can't do it anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 To know they've left us totally devastated? I mean, is it some kind of ego trip to know that someone cared about you that much? I really think that sometimes. A person would have to be pretty damn cruel to enjoy inflicting pain on someone else. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bellasue Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 I'm right there with you! Except my xMM hasn't stepped back into my life......yet. Maybe he never will. But I imagine him knocking on my door, and me saying, "What? Back to trample my heart some more?" I'm not sure how these guys can just walk away. Makes you question your own sanity, doesn't it? Hang in there! I know starting over with NC is tougher. It does sound like you're resolved to not let things go down that road again! (((hugs))) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HonestNeurotic Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 So sorry! Sometimes I think that people fill their lives with drama - even bad drama - just to feel that they're alive as their sheeple lives give them no fulfillment. I don't think they are intentionally cruel. I also think that if they can discard a person so casually, well, that says a lot about THEM, now doesn't it? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
tryingto Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 I am so sorry Grey. Been there and done that. I do think my exMM "enjoyed" knowing how much I cared for him and towards the end as I was starting to pull away, he manipulated me into knots to get a response, to see if I still cared for him. He would pull back, become distant to have me run after him and if I didn't run after him (because I was becoming emotionally spent)... he would then act like he was convinced I didn't care about him. Talk about a total mindtrip! I wish you nothing but healing as you begin to move forward from this. Just remember as you miss him in the upcoming days and months, how this hurts and how you deserve so much more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
who_am_i Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 A person would have to be pretty damn cruel to enjoy inflicting pain on someone else. they cheated...didn't they Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 To know they've left us totally devastated? I mean, is it some kind of ego trip to know that someone cared about you that much? I really think that sometimes. It's time for this all to end. No NC, just the end. I don't want him back anymore. I could never get over what he's done to me anymore. I could never live with who I've turned into in order to try to please him. I made the mistake of starting back up with him again. Nothing physical yet, but definitely emotional. Although, I again made the mistake of letting him know when I was feeling like he wasnt treating me right. So he took the opportunity to stab me in the heart again, twist everything back into how horrible I've treated him and stomp all over me on his way back out the door. I'm such an idiot. This pain starts all over again now. I'm right back to where I was in march. Yes. It's a huge blow to the ego (and remember their egos are pretty big what with two women fighting for them) to think that someone has forgotten you and moved on. He want's you to pine bc it makes him feel special. If you dumped him he would be a big mess but probably just turn it around that you are 'uncaring'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 Ugh, Grey. I feel your pain. Really, I do. Sometimes you need to stick your toe back in, only to have it bitten again, to realize the fish aren't going to stop. Ok, that was a stupid analogy. I went LC instead of NC and received (and responded to) a series of emotionally laden emails from ExMM. Each one got more ridiculous, basically twisting it all around so that I abandoned him (he is STILL with his wife), I don't love him like he loves me, etc. etc. The last one was 9 days ago...not that I'm counting. I finally stopped responding. I think I am finally done. Done, done, done. That doesn't mean I don't still think about him constantly...I just know I can't do it anymore. Umm...YES to everything to wrote. I think I'm going to ignore the posts by married men whining like babies that their affair partners left them all by themselves. How mean. You weren't there for me while I basically was having my cake eating party. How could you leave me alone at the party with only one piece of cake? And then comes the anger- you weren't worth it anyways bc you didn't FIGHT to steal me from my wife that I seem to voluntarily choose anyways. Its all about being very very insecure. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 Oh, h*ll yes! What bored, tired married man doesn't love the ego stroke of a woman that WANTS him, all of him! The problem is that they are SO positive they love us . . . until their wives find out. And then, why they just don't know what they were thinking! No thanks. No d-day for me. I could feel that his love for me was really love for him. So many tiny clues over almost four years. Now I am the unfeeling one that "walked away." He believes it's obvious which one of us was "more committed." Ha! LOL! Sure, to the affair! It still gives me a stomach ache and brings tears to my eyes 10 months later. User. Do men respect women? I think not, but that's just my take. They need women, but they don't respect them. These men deserve to be left all alone-their greatest fear. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bellasue Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 The problem is that they are SO positive they love us . . . until their wives find out. And then, why they just don't know what they were thinking! No thanks. I know. I just don't know how someone could do that and not feel something. Of course, we may never know how they are feeling but the fact that they do it in the first place blows my mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DelusionalOne Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 I don't think the inflicted pain is a conscious thought...that would make them truly twisted. I don't think they actually give it thought. GSM, I am so sorry for your pain. It sucks. You give them a chance because you are convinced that they must actually care. It fricken hurts like hell. NC isn't just about healing. NC is about power.... your power. Your decision that you are not going to be treated like crap. Your decision that you are not going to live on crumbs. You are not a doormat...you will not allow him to wipe his feet on you and then tell you it's ok because he "loves" you. Come on... it's an ego stroke to know you are wanted and desired. For anyone...not just guys.... Today when I went out to get lunch, some guy told me I have beautiful hair. I liked it. I held my head up higher and it put a bounce in my step and a confident smile on my face. That was ONE compliment from a stranger that I will never see again. It doesn't make me a narcissist. Now multiply that by 10,000. 10,000 times us fawning on them, telling them they are wonderful and special and amazing. It becomes an addiction. You take away someone's drug and they are going to manipulate you 9 ways from tomorrow to get it back...until they are done. He is acting like my child. Like any child when they don't get their own way. Take your power back. The next time you talk to him (and you will)...say "You are right. I treat you horribly. I am letting you go to find someone better. Who treats you better. I will not bother you again." Let him think it's his idea. You just go on and heal. Finally. Forever. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetBella1 Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 There would be no affairs if there were no cruel people in the planet. Affairs aren't necessarily synonymous with cruelty or conducted solely by heartless Machiavellian individuals. Surely you realize this. Affairs occur for a myriad of reasons, some quite pitiful, desperate & sad...an antithesis of cruel intentions. Beware linear thinking. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetBella1 Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 To know they've left us totally devastated? I mean, is it some kind of ego trip to know that someone cared about you that much? I really think that sometimes. It's time for this all to end. No NC, just the end. I don't want him back anymore. I could never get over what he's done to me anymore. I could never live with who I've turned into in order to try to please him. I made the mistake of starting back up with him again. Nothing physical yet, but definitely emotional. Although, I again made the mistake of letting him know when I was feeling like he wasnt treating me right. So he took the opportunity to stab me in the heart again, twist everything back into how horrible I've treated him and stomp all over me on his way back out the door. I'm such an idiot. This pain starts all over again now. I'm right back to where I was in march. I'm so sorry. Shame on him. Were you NC with him before things started back up? How long were you NC? Did he break it? I have such a fear of this happening to me because I'm vulnerable and I also know that narcissistic xMM would eventually trample me again. Undoubtedly. Makes me sick to fathom going back to Day 1 of grieving. I'll be thinking of you, hang in there & vent to us!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 I don't think the inflicted pain is a conscious thought...that would make them truly twisted. I don't think they actually give it thought. GSM, I am so sorry for your pain. It sucks. You give them a chance because you are convinced that they must actually care. It fricken hurts like hell. NC isn't just about healing. NC is about power.... your power. Your decision that you are not going to be treated like crap. Your decision that you are not going to live on crumbs. You are not a doormat...you will not allow him to wipe his feet on you and then tell you it's ok because he "loves" you. Come on... it's an ego stroke to know you are wanted and desired. For anyone...not just guys.... Today when I went out to get lunch, some guy told me I have beautiful hair. I liked it. I held my head up higher and it put a bounce in my step and a confident smile on my face. That was ONE compliment from a stranger that I will never see again. It doesn't make me a narcissist. Now multiply that by 10,000. 10,000 times us fawning on them, telling them they are wonderful and special and amazing. It becomes an addiction. You take away someone's drug and they are going to manipulate you 9 ways from tomorrow to get it back...until they are done. He is acting like my child. Like any child when they don't get their own way. Take your power back. The next time you talk to him (and you will)...say "You are right. I treat you horribly. I am letting you go to find someone better. Who treats you better. I will not bother you again." Let him think it's his idea. You just go on and heal. Finally. Forever. This post is so insightful. I especially love the bolded. Say it. When he hears it out loud from your mouth it'll sound so ridiculous to him. YOU, who waited for him and rearranged your schedule for him...you were horrible to him. Yup, this is just great advice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 If they're not narcissists or sociopaths, no, they don't feel good about leaving us feeling devastated. The problem is that the typical MM having an affair and behaving by the script is too busy with himself to get to feel too much or consider the pain of the other side. It's about them - the amazing guy who gets to have two women and lives. He must be important and amazing, right? In my case... no d-day, he came back while rekindling his marriage to ask to resume the A whining that I haven't given him closure and that I hurt him. Yeah, sorry I was too busy collecting myself from the puddle of blood he left me and wasn't really willing to soothe his wounds anymore( while I assume the wife was working hard to please him so there was someone catering to him and he realized he never wanted to be with me). Their thinking is twisted, and it's one if the things I'm glad I don't need to deal with anymore - untwisting his thoughts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 I never will understand a married person who chooses to get involved with someone who isn't their spouse. WHY can't that person divorce / separate FIRST before choosing to get involved in an affair? It isn't that hard!!! First of all, they may not want a divorce. They might just be happy, but bored with their life. That person won't divorce anyway. Second, even if someone wants a divorce, getting a divorce is that hard. It's one of the major stressors in life, and it has a huge impact on people. It's not like changing the cable company. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 To know they've left us totally devastated? I mean, is it some kind of ego trip to know that someone cared about you that much? I really think that sometimes. It's time for this all to end. No NC, just the end. I don't want him back anymore. I could never get over what he's done to me anymore. I could never live with who I've turned into in order to try to please him. I made the mistake of starting back up with him again. Nothing physical yet, but definitely emotional. Although, I again made the mistake of letting him know when I was feeling like he wasnt treating me right. So he took the opportunity to stab me in the heart again, twist everything back into how horrible I've treated him and stomp all over me on his way back out the door. I'm such an idiot. This pain starts all over again now. I'm right back to where I was in march. if they are that sort of person, yes. seeing your pain would be an ego boost. it would take a twisted person to think that way though.... it's more likely that they just don't think of your pain. your feelings were secondary to his during the A, why would it be any different afterwards? it has to be yet another MM cliché to blame the other party and be a victim. it's pathetic, really. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) Greysky, I hope you have closed the door on any more emotional attachment to him - to any more ego boosting/stroking to him from you. I never will understand a married person who chooses to get involved with someone who isn't their spouse. WHY can't that person divorce / separate FIRST before choosing to get involved in an affair? It isn't that hard!!![/QUOTE] But wait.... Lets assume for the sake of this discussion that the OW/OM knew fully that the AP was married...Then... Couldnt it just as easily be said that why doesnt an OW/OM leave a MM/MW alone and choose not to get involved with them??? TONS of single and available partners..It isnt that hard! When you read a thread like this one, you get the assumption that all MM/MW are predatory animals looking for unsuspecting OW/OM to purposefully ruin their lives...Please.... When does the OW/OM accept ANY responsibility for their part? I wont even broach the topic of why does the OW/OM knowingly inflict pain upon a BS??.. These things suck..People get hurt...Its not all one sided.."Man" up and accept your part.. OH, and to answer the OP question..Does it make them feel good? Answer is no..Absolutely not..Living with horrible pain every day.. TFY Edited May 30, 2013 by thefooloftheyear Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 Some are predatory, mine was, and caused/left everlasting damage. One can only speak their views and wish to guide another from their own life lessons learned. On the otherhand, some MM might deserve a congenialty award for best guy~good guy, although, I somewhat doubt it. If you dont mind me asking, what does this mean? Did you know he was married? Did he wear a mask, put a gun to your head and force you into the A? My OW knew I was married(but in early stages of a D), pursued me three times after I turned her away twice, on the third time I finally caved. Is she a predatory OW? Not trying to be flip, just help me out here.... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
tinker683 Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 I doubt she thinks about me much at all these days. If anything, she probably is solely concerned whats best for her right now and is oblivious or unconcerned with any amount of misery I may feel. Which, truth be told, is probably the best attitude to have. We both need to move on. She is obviously, so I need to adopt a similar attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) Yes mine was, and will likely continue the predatory behavior, stalking, grooming, lying in order to bait another into an affair. It is their way of life. They would never succumb to a predatory women chasing a married man, not their thing at all. When speaking about the affair with exMM, they had indulged when I asked why not go for the 'easier,' women that throw themselves in the road for an affair, he replied, they are scary, and I have no interest in them. Some get high off the chase, the grooming....and will use the highest charm and a boatful of lies in order to capture their prey. I do not wish to tell my story in detail because of privacy, but can offer valuable advice to those involved with a predatory MM. If you knew he was married...You still could have said NO and you would have never been in a position to accept all of the lies and BS... End of story.... People need to accept their role...I freely accept mine and while I might not be happy with the outcome, I certainly wont just point the finger at her...Thats all I am saying...We arent 10 year olds. No one can make us do something we dont want to do or possibly cause us pain. I wont complain that I got burned if i pick up a hot fryng pan off the stove... Thats the way society is these days...No matter what happens, its gotta be someone elses fault entirely... TFY Edited May 30, 2013 by thefooloftheyear 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 Plus not every cheater, comes around the bush wearing a Cape and unitard with the emblem MARRIED on their chests. Your logic is not rationale, because it would undermine anyone's pain, even a BS's, they decide to work on the marriage, knowing their loved one is a cheater, so they deserve the pain for staying, because they could have left. Simple question... Did you or did you not know that he was married?? Not that I would expect an honest answer...You played the game and when the outcome didnt suit YOU, then it was ALL his fault, right? Because I am sure if he left for you, you would be heralding him as the man of the year and wouldn't give two craps about the BS, right? Or maybe she is just a worn out alcoholic.. Put your big girl panties on and accept your part.. TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 Projecting your anger onto me is senseless. You mentioned having your OW throw herself at you many times in order to engage you into adultery...I do not partake in throwing myself or even merely flirting with married men. So that should answer your questions or demands of me. Yes or no??..:laugh: TFY Link to post Share on other sites
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