here is a question

[kash1]

Hi all, advice needed and any words of wisdom...

 

Soooo I am at university and have been for a few years, quite a small class so know everyone quite well. Been going out with a guy from my class for 4 months (but been friends for almost 2 years prior to this). He has practically moved in with me and we are together most of the time, we have been on a trip together, I have met his family several times and he is quite affectionate.

 

However, even though we are both quite open people, we haven't had 'a talk' about where things are going or what the plan is. I don't really want to broach the subject, as I wouldn't know what to say and also don't want him to think I'm asking for answers as to where its going and to be needy/demanding etc...

 

But the real issue is (and I see this is a common theme amongst other threads) I have seen messages (inadvertently seen, I add) to his ex of four years, who he split with in February 2012. The messages were along the lines of small talk about what one another are upto. This didn't bother me, I am the least possessive person...however curiosity got the better of me and I am ashamed to say I decided to read on...further messages went on to say, he missed her...wish he could change things...also sent a link to a song that reminded him of her (passenger- let her go) and I was of course quite disappointed as I felt let down, as I had trusted him 1000% before this and tbh I am not one to give my trust or feelings away easy so I am quite upset that I may of allowed myself to get lost in the relationship...if it is the case that he doesn't REALLY care for me:[

 

In addition to this, he has not placed any of the pictures of us from holiday onto his facebook, or updated a relationship status...now I have facebook...but I VERY VERY rarely use it...whereas he is on it all the time...he is not one for posting updates...but all of his other pictures are on there- so would you say it's odd the one's of us (as a couple) haven't been placed on?

 

So what is your advice on all fronts really?

A- When/Is 'a talk' about what the plan/idea of what 'we' are a good subject to broach? if so how to do it without attaching LOTS of meaning?

B- Do I ask about the communication and intention with the ex?

C- I really like him so my judgement Is obviously clouded...but shall I end it with him? I really don't want to be treated like a doormat but I cannot tell if I am...or just being paranoid?

 

Thanks for your help X

[wascal]

Hey there!

 

Insecurity is a big factor, it can make us women lead to many conclusions in our heads that aren't even plausible!

 

I think first of, you need to ask him something innocent to get the ball rolling.

 

I know most people would reply and say be straight up with him. But you sound a lot like me and will avoid the big questions because its scary.

 

I think .. you should start with a text. That says something along the lines of

"hey i was just wondering.. We are together right? I just noticed that you havent changed your status on facebook? "

 

That will get either a defensive response or he will actively change the status.

 

From there. You will make two decisions, if he makes excuses.. I think you may need to question the subject further but first try this! and let me know how it goes!

 

Hopefully you are reading too much into it, like i said, we women when we get too much time we doubt.. and we all make mistakes and regret something in our lives. Just because he misses her doesn't mean he wants her.

 

Im still a little suspicious though.

 

Write back!

[kash1]

well to be honest it was a secret thing at first but we went public about 2 months ago...all our joint friends know at university and the friends of his I have met know we are together. What makes me think about it though, like you say probably is insecurity, but it's like fb is obviously to a much wider audience and maybe he's keeping his options open.

 

See...but...before I saw that message I would have thought ABSOLUTELY nothing of not updating status...however I think I am just formulating stuff in my head and it's snowballing...whereas previously I would have 0 cause for concern.

 

I'm a naturally suspicious person and scared to get burnt. I really like him and hope this isn't the case...if so I would rather know one way or the other:( just don't have a clue what to do! I am useless.

 

He is going on holiday (booked and organised before we got together) with other friends of ours this week. I don't know whether I am coming or going.

 

x

[wascal]

well to be honest it was a secret thing at first but we went public about 2 months ago...all our joint friends know at university and the friends of his I have met know we are together. What makes me think about it though, like you say probably is insecurity, but it's like fb is obviously to a much wider audience and maybe he's keeping his options open.

 

See...but...before I saw that message I would have thought ABSOLUTELY nothing of not updating status...however I think I am just formulating stuff in my head and it's snowballing...whereas previously I would have 0 cause for concern.

 

I'm a naturally suspicious person and scared to get burnt. I really like him and hope this isn't the case...if so I would rather know one way or the other:( just don't have a clue what to do! I am useless.

 

He is going on holiday (booked and organised before we got together) with other friends of ours this week. I don't know whether I am coming or going.

 

x

 

 

Can i ask you. Why was it a secret at first? Was this your idea or his?

[kash1]

erm it was a joint decision at the beginning and he asked why it was a problem to go public several times...when we were away on the trip he asked again and I said that it'd be alright for everyone else to know...

 

(only hesitation on my part was that A- wasn't sure whether he was serious about me and B- our friends/class mates are VERYYYY nosey...oh and ALSO he had a crush on another girl from our class for a long time and I didn't want the comparison between us to be drawn)

 

I am 22 and he is 26, I care for him a great deal and he knows I make him my priority with everything...whereas he is very caring, but doesn't go to the lengths I go to, to let him know he's in my thoughts and how much he means to me...

 

p.s I know I am messed up:[

[kash1]

oh and I forgot to add- the girl he had the crush on, is actually one of two of our joint girl friends he is going on holiday with.................as if I needed anything more to be wary of!

 

X

[wascal]

erm it was a joint decision at the beginning and he asked why it was a problem to go public several times...when we were away on the trip he asked again and I said that it'd be alright for everyone else to know...

 

(only hesitation on my part was that A- wasn't sure whether he was serious about me and B- our friends/class mates are VERYYYY nosey...oh and ALSO he had a crush on another girl from our class for a long time and I didn't want the comparison between us to be drawn)

 

I am 22 and he is 26, I care for him a great deal and he knows I make him my priority with everything...whereas he is very caring, but doesn't go to the lengths I go to, to let him know he's in my thoughts and how much he means to me...

 

p.s I know I am messed up:[

 

Oh well first of, dont worry about the go to length's thing. We are all different and have different comfort levels. What he gives you might be what he sees as heaps. So dont knock that

 

I wouldn't even worry about this other girl he had a crush on, if she is your friend she wouldn't touch him with a stick anyway. So kill that thought in your head.

 

I still think you need to ask him something innocent, it seems like you are scared to push the subject. Ask him something very innocent that will give you an answer. Ask him if he still talks to his ex?

Then turn the subject when you get your answer, just be like oh ok! i was just talking to somebody about ex's thats all.. etc

 

He doesn't know that you know. So see how he reacts.

[kash1]

I guess that's true...does make sense really! Saying that though if I wasn't as romantically minded and my partner was and obviously saw the thought input into stuff, then I'd be more inclined to make an effort...I'm doing it again- looking for anything that would be supporting evidence for him not being as serious about me...think I just expect too much at times!

 

On the one hand-- I say we haven't had 'the talk'...yet he may be thinking the same thing and not want to broach the subject either...:/ kind of helping me answer my own question...thank you--- still don't know how to go about doing it though. But saying that if he wanted to say something he would usually just come right out and say it...reading between the lines I've made it clear how much I think of hi through all the things I do for him:/ so...just don't know really. I swear I'm not usually so indecisive and irritating but I've just had one of those weeks were I'm questioning EVERYTHING!

 

Think it will be best saved for when he gets back from holiday though as I don't want to bring anything up that may cause problems before a trip away...

X

[kash1]

Just a quick update, I've decided I'm breaking up with him when he gets back from his trip.

 

Don't know if its the right thing to do...as i really do like him...but I'm not going to risk being anyone's second best, knowing he's texting his ex when he's in my house, with me...dawned on me how wrong it was...and how low/disrespectful it is to do that to someone. Unsure why this all hasn't occurred to me before to be honest.

 

Past few days of him being away- has given me some perspective and I've realised life is too short to spend it with someone who is thinking of others when they're meant to be with you 100% mind and body.

 

People out there who are questioning themselves over their partners- don't...take my advice and realise you're worth more and deserve someone who makes sure they are the only person on their minds. Might be unrealistic- might be a little bit Disney-ish...but I'd just rather people were honest and up front and wore their hearts on their sleeves more.

 

No games, no keeping options open- just straightforwardness is the way forward. Until you meet that person you can be that way with, my advice is to be happy on your own.

 

X