Letting go while staying close- How??

[Aniko]

First, some background. Unusual as any of this may sound, I make none of it up.

I'm in my first year of University and the guy my former roommate set me up to hang out with is 8 years older, and living out of his van. Quite frankly, I can't be bothered to care about his living situation.

He's become my closest friend here, my rock climbing mentor, and sleeps over once in a while, though there is nothing sexual anymore. We're both a little crazy, and I fell for him instantly only to have him tell me three weeks after we met (during which we'd cuddled, kissed, and did somewhat sexual stuff) that while he liked me, found me attractive, and considered dating me he didn't think we should date and gave me the reasons, which all center around me not being up to his standards. I'm busy with school, am not independent of my parents, and I can't keep up with him on his rock climbing trips [yet] which he goes on almost every weekend. It also came out that he'd been chasing some girl with a bf for months...and due to a mis-communication he thought I was aware of this and that I was only looking for friends with benefits. That was extremely painful, but instead of cutting contact I decided to draw the line at cuddling and we remained friends. I eventually let go of any hope for a relationship, though I still had feelings for him, because he seemed so sure that the girl he was waiting on would go for him. She didn't.

He's over her now but the reasons he wouldn't date me still stand.

How do I LET HIM GO?

 

I do not want to consider cutting him off completely.

That's out of the question. It's very rare [actually, it's only happened once, and this is it] that I find a friend I can be myself around instantly, or that is willing to go camping and do outdoor sports as often as I'd like to, and I found one. I'm not willing to loose that.

 

Somehow I'm not in constant agony over this situation, likely because I know he does care about me and I can count on him not to drop off the face of the earth. At least, nobody that plans to do so should be letting me use his bike or holding on to the gate opener for my apartment complex.

 

But one thing I've learned from watching other people is that the waiting game never works. If I'm not good enough for him now, even if the reasons he listed change [and hopefully they are on the right track to changing], he's not waiting and I'm not willing to hold my breath for this. After the night he explained why he wouldn't date me, I haven't explicitly questioned it to him. Just to give a time frame for all this, it's been about three months that I've known him.

 

I finally let go of my resentment toward him, and it seems to have improved things between us, but I can't let go of the feelings. Especially because I know that I'm more than a little weird and it seems so difficult for me to find other people I can connect with this easily. On top of that, there are very few girls who can meet what he's looking for and simultaneously be Ok with him as he is (living out of his van among other things).

 

I know this is a tough question to answer but... does anybody have any advice? Similar experiences?

I wish I could just go out on dates with random guys to distract myself, but realistically...if I don't like a guy, I'm not going on a date.

 

Here's to hoping the first response I get isn't bashing me for 'putting up' with him. He's never said a mean thing to me, I don't have to repeat myself about any boundaries I set (how rare is it that a guy who likes you doesn't have to be told twice not to push you to sleep with him?? AFTER you've already done some sexual stuff in the past?), and did I mention he teaches me stuff like rock climbing? He treats me with far more respect than my ex-bf did, even if we're not in a relationship. That's kind of a big deal to me.

 

Edit: Hopefully this silly situation amuses somebody out there. I never thought I'd be in the position to want to date a guy who's technically homeless, but hey...you never know what life throws at you.

Edited May 30, 2013 by Aniko

[Shuffty]

As you say you are only in your first year at Uni you must be in your late teens/early twenties ? and he is eight years older than you living out of a van? He's nearly thirty and he's homeless and judging YOU for still being dependant on your parents...really? If your sister or friend described someone like that, would you think they were a catch? He's really strung you along - 'I thought it was friends with benefits' - please! He knew exactly what he was doing.

 

Sounds like he's one of those people who is never going to change or grow up. I have an ex-boyfriend who is similar - always banging on about not wanting to get into 'the rat-race' which is just code for, 'I really don't want to get a job.'

 

You should move on, he's clearly playing some sort of game with you. You can't 'let go' and 'stay close', it just doesn't work - give it a couple of months/years and you won't even want to anymore. My bet is he will still be living out of his van, teaching young ladies to rock climb, and sleeping on students sofas in ten years time; whilst judging everyone else for their lifestyles. He needs to grow up.