I finally earned my second chance, and am not sure how to act.

[Frylock]

Ok... I have earned my second chance. If you'd like to follow my story, read here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t48973/

 

Basically, here's a recap. I stayed at her house for three weeks, she is a senior in highschool, her parents like me a lot. She got scared with how close we were getting, talking about the future and stuff (bad idea), and one thing lead to another and she said she just wants to be friends, because she was scared at the thought I might be the last guy she dates. Reasonable, she's only a senior in highschool, she needs to have time to grow and decide what she wants. Anyway...

 

Few days of crappy depression went by, I told her I would give her the space she needs, and that I was sorry for talking about the future, I just thought it was what she wanted (she had always been the serious one in the relationship). I tried to not call her much, stayed at my dorm room (I am 19), we watched a few movies together. Friday night I made her a picnic in my room with candlelight and blue/green lights in my lamps... we watched a movie and she got really close, made me put my arm around her, got her face real close to mine like she wanted to be kissed. Yadee yada we boned, she said she wanted to be friends with benefits. I was alright with being friends, just getting to the point where I was ok with it. The empty sex thing kind of wierded me out, I like sex to be an emotional thing, with I love you's and such. Just me I guess.... anyway.

 

She went out of town for 2 days, which consisted of a 6 hour car ride as well. I made her a CD to listen to, which I gave to her the night before (Friday night) she left. She came into my room at her place and gave me a kiss before leaving, was nice.

 

Anyway, I think she had a lot of time to think about things and what she wants and stuff. I doubt she's thought about the future much and stuff, but she decided that she misses me a lot and wants to still be with me. The night she got back, we were laying in bed watching TV and she non-chalantly brought it up "So.... I've had some time to think" --- and basically said she misses me and wants to still be with me. I was like... hmm

 

So today she got home from school and was still acting a bit distant, but I didn't want her to feel pressured not to be, so I just went with it, and stood back a bit. We had some boning, and cuddled / flirted around for a bit. Anyway after that she was still a tid bit distant acting... when I left back to the dorms I sort of brought it up, and asked "So do you still feel how you told me last night" and she was like "yeah, but we still need our space and all that" (which is what I told her when she first broke up with me ---- "I can give you the space you need, I want you to be happy.")... Anyway so that was good, I gave her a kiss when I left. Note: the whole day I didn't say I love you or anything... I don't know if she's ready to start saying that again. She doesn't want to feel pressured into anything again.

 

Anyway, what I'm asking is... How should I act and stuff to make this work? I don't want to pressure her, make her feel like she has to say I love you and stuff. I think I still need to just give her space, and show her I can do what I said I would. Wait for her to say I love you to me? I think that we can slowly drift back into things and get rid of this odd distance between us... She straight up told me she still wants to be with me and "give things another try" --- so I know the feeling is there. Will this distance in her go away with time? Shall I just keep giving her space, do things here and there throughout the week, and not see her / talk to her every day?

 

I think she is just being cautious to not fall back into the super closeness "trapped" feeling that was there before. She felt suffocated by our relationship, like it HAD to be. So she is just still feeling it out, but at the same time doesn't want me to run off and find a new girl or anything. I'd say I need to avoid staying the night at her place for a while... Also I hope that she doesn't feel I am just using her for sex... cuz that isn't the case, and I'm PRETTY sure she knows that. We dated for six months and did not have sex once, even when I stayed the night and stuff. When it finally came to the point where we did, she was like begging me to "do her" --- so she knows it's all good I think. And even when we started doing it a lot, I told her "Maybe we should slow down on the having sex every night" and she was like, no, that's what periods are for, break time. So I think she knows that I'm not just interested in staying with her for sex. I'd hope so! She just needs to see that I can give her space, is what I think.

 

Input?

[jmargel]

If she feels threatened by her lack of space, then I would wait on the 'I love you's'. Let her come to you. Let her say it to you first. You aren't giving her a chance to come to you. I had somewhat of the same problem with my wife (gf back then). I was always telling/showing her my affection. My ex-fiance loved that. Most of the women on here would probably love that too. However, there are a few women that don't. It's probably because of the way they were brought up by their family, or the experiences they've had with a past relationship. You have any details about her past?

 

To her sex is a bonding experience. Her saying she wanted to be 'sex buddies' was probably her way of saying she wanted to be close to you, yet didn't want to say it in fear you would be smothering her. Don't take it to heart that she 'wants her space'. It's just she can't absorb as much as you were giving her all at once. Personally I would let her make most of the moves. This will ensure that things are going at her own pace. If you two decide to get more serious, counseling might be good for her since it will undoubtely cause issues between you two if she doesn't.

 

Try not to take things personal with what she says. She's communicating with you which is a big plus. At least she is trying. Most women in her shoes won't say anything, and then just leave. Making the other guy think 'Why did she leave me, I was doing everything right?'. Whatever you do, don't push the issue, with questions such as 'Do you love me' or 'Where do we stand', etc.. The distance she has put up, will fall in time, as long as you follow what I suggest. She is still very young yet as well. She has alot of experiences that she seems like she wants to endure. I'm not saying you two don't have a chance, but at least give her the option to do things on her own if she wishes, otherwise she will break free from you. Is she a very independent person?

 

If I were single again and wanted a long term committed relationship, these are some of the questions I would look into:

 

- Is she mature?

 

- Has she lived on her own?

 

- Does she come from an abusive household or relationship (verbally, emotionally or physically)?

 

- If so, has she gotten any kind of counseling / help?

 

From my past experience my ex-fiancee was abused by her mother. She was young as well, I met her when she was 17 until we ended at her being 23. She was immature in alot of ways, but also never received the treatment she needed for her abuse. Not only that, even though we lived in a house together, she never lived on her own. She needed that. Most women need to feel they can do things on their own. Yea, I know it would be nice if women were like the way they were back in the 1950s, but that can't happen again. It would make things alot easier. lol..

 

Is she going to college, if so is it going to be around you? You also have to make sure you don't become co-dependant on her. Which means you can't fix her. You can't be her therapist, and most importantly don't base your self-worth on her or your happiness on her. Don't live life to make her happy. Only she can do this for herself. Perhaps nothing is wrong with her emotionally, but be prepared for her to sway back and forth for awhile regarding her being in a relationship. This is just her. I know it sucks because I've been there. There is nothing you can really do to 'win' her over. Give her the space she needs, and if she decides to be and stay with you, at least you know in your heart she has come to you without anything else besides her wanting your love.

[katala]

i'm really happy that you got your second chance. It seems that she really does want to be with you and that she's happy with you and all she really needs is space. Its hard to hear that sometimes but i realize with my situation that space is actually the best thing for a relationship because it gives you guys a chance to miss each other and realize how much you want to be with each other. Its also hard because of the fact that your in college and shes not but i've realized with my friends who had relationships like that always made it work out because they really did love each other and are still together now even after they graduated. So i think you should respect her wish for some space and do things a little bit slow to start and if she really loves you and you love her it will fall into place. It sounds like your a great boyfriend and your both willing to work things out so just be yourself around her and i wish the best of luck!

[Frylock]

So it's been two days since she told me she wanted to give it another shot, and she's still acting kind of wierd. Like still distanced. I had dinner over at her house, but I invited my friend (who normally comes over for dinner) and I think it threw her off, because I think she wanted to have some time with just me. For the most part, when it's just me and her she will come to me and give me a hug or something along those lines, but whenever we go out, or if there's someone else around (like my friend) she just keeps acting distant. And before you jump the horn, no it isn't another guy, I know that for 100%.

 

Do you think I just need to give her more space? Maybe she thinks -I- am being tentative. Because I haven't exactly been the biggest flirt with her since this all happened either. Sure we've had sex and stuff, but that's just sex. Maybe I need to just go in and act like nothing is wrong... I dunno she says she wants it to work out and give it another shot, but I don't see the effort.

[Frylock]

And yeah I've been trying to let her make all the moves, but she just isn't making them. She made more moves when we were "just friends" and stuff... Ever since sunday she has only made one move, and that was to have sex. But no little things, like no hugs, no spontaneous kissing, etc.

 

I think she feels like maybe I don't want her to or something? Possibly. I'm going to straight up ask her for Friday to go on a "date" and hopefully that will loosen things up a little bit. We'll see how it goes.

[katala]

i think that its a good idea to bring her on a date. And i also think that if the fact that shes being distant is bothering you you should say something. See how it goes on the date and if shes still distant def bring it up. also, does she know your friend that you brought to dinner? Maybe she just felt shy around him and was caught off guard. maybe she just wanted to hangout with you. But i always feel that if something is bothering me i ask. i dont do it in an annoying way or constantly but i do mention it in passing. But i def think you should go on that date and see how it goes from there. I also notice that with me i always over analyze what my bf does and says and i hate that about myself but if thats not the case and it really bothers you def say something after the date. Good luck!

[Frylock]

Yeah, I constantly over analyze things, wonder what she's thinking or what something she said could mean. I always get this huge thing set up in my head about how it "probably is" and then I ask her about it, and sound totally off base... she's like where'd you get that idea? And laughs at me. Now I'm scared to bring anything up with her because I don't want to pressure her... but yeah, if she is still distant on the date I will bring it up. I told her today that I think we should go on a *date*, and emphasized date. She said "maybe" in a joking manner, I think she probably will go, hopefully. I almost know she will... I just hope she acts normal and stops this madness.

 

And yeah, she did know the person that came over, she is friends with him through me, but they are comfortable around eachother, that's why it sorta wierded me out how distant she was acting. I think she probably just wanted to have some me and her time, and I avoided it... well I didn't intentionally, but she might have thought I did. I still think that maybe she thinks I am being distant, maybe... and am trying to avoid situations. Either way, I'm going to see how Friday goes, be myself, and show her I have no intentions of being distant with her. Hopefully she will show me the same.

 

The thing is, why would she tell me she wanted to give things another try, if she didn't want to? She obviously went out on a limb to tell me that, because she is very closed about her emotions and rarely talks about that sort of thing. So I know it was a stretch for her to tell me. Maybe she's waiting for me to see that it will be ok... I mean now that I think about it, yes I have tried to be myself, but I could see her thinking that I am the one being distant. But I asked her on a date for Friday... so hopefully she knows I'm not. I just really hope Friday goes well.

 

Another thing is, like, I'm a fairly romantic guy, but where I live (Fairbanks, AK) there isn't much to do. So I can only do things with her a few times until it gets boring. I don't want to take her to a movie, but I don't really know of anything else to do. I want to do something special for her, like I did the other week... but you can only use aces like that once. I need to give it some thought and think of something creative and special... some ideas from you all wouldn't hurt either.

[katala]

well i live on long island so i imagine its a little diffrent from where you live but aside from bars and the city my bf and i had the best times together when we would have a simple night. Ex: we would go shopping at the supermarket for stuff to make for dinner and make dinner together at his place and just have fun together doing it. Then we'd watch a movie together and eat and usually make dessert and hangout in his backyard and just talk. i know it sounds kinda corny but its usually the best times we've had because its jiust us and kinda romantic. we also both like to cook and are big movie people. we also go for walks on the beach but i don't know if you have anything like that near you. I wouldn't go out to the movies because you don't get to hangout with her and talk. be romantic&creative! I don't know if this helps you at all but good luck:)