Breakup advice/a nice goodbye Women, Please help

[Ace]

Hello,

 

My name is Adam and I am 20 and am in college with my "ex" girlfriend who is 21. Just to make things short, she broke up with me about a month ago due to some issues that she didn't think that I was going to support her enough and just some other future expectations that she didn't think I had. She is getting ready to graduate and I simply thinks that she is scared. That is a quick rundown of our situation. Anyway, after we broke up, I was just really heartbroken because we have been going out for 4 years.

 

I have gotten the vibe from her that she still loves me, but she has not called or anything. She is a really stubborn girl and I think that she just won't do it. I have emailed her and talked to her and we are friendly to each other but that is about it. I have been hoping that we get back together for a long time now and this hope is killing me. I want to make for sure if she will get back with me or not in the next few months. I have a plan of giving her a note and a gift to sorta say goodbye, but also at the same time a gift to sorta remind her of the good times and get her to maybe come back. What do you guys think of the idea and is there anything else that you think I should try?

[Tony T]

If you think she's had enough time, ask her directly...face to face. Gifts and Email are nice but there's no substitute for just asking her if she'd like to give it another try.

 

Sure, you risk rejection. But even if you got that, it wouldn't necessarily be final...trust me. But you need to find out just where her head is and the only way to do that is to ask her.

 

Make sure when you talk to her you are somewhere, alone with her, without any distractions. And if she says she's not interested in getting back, be very cool and let her know you understand. She'll be so impressed she'll give it a lot more thought later. If you act like a baby, she'll write you off forever.

[Nic]

firstly adam, try not to hope too much. i know it's easier said than done, but you may set yourself up for a really big let down if you hope too much.

 

i think you need to ask her directly if there is any chance you will get back together. discuss what you want out of a relationship and what you know you can offer her. but be sure to find out if she wants to be with you. there is only way to know for sure - ask her. it's much better than just hoping.

 

of course it will hurt if she doesn't want to be with you. but we've all had to face that at one time or another, and at least you will be able to move on in time.

 

if she doesn't want to be with you, a gift to remind her of the good times and to show her that she is special to you is a nice idea. make it clear that you understand you're not together, but it's sort of a token of appreciation for everything you had together. but don't push it and drown her in a sea of emails and phone calls. this will only annoy the hell out of her.

 

bow out like a man, and she will really appreciate it and respect you for it. she'd be more inclined to think about you if you can do this gracefully. and you never know what will happen in the future, but remember - don't get your hopes up about anything.

[Yumi]

I had a guy keep pusueing me after I told him it was over... now I'm not even speaking to him. Quite frankly, when guys do that it seems pathetic. Everyone always tells girls to play hard to get... well guys should do it to, at least to some extent. Coming back groveling on your hands and knees won't work. The best way to find out if she wants you back??? Have a life away from her... I'm not saying you don't do that, I'm not sure what you do... but if you arent doing tihs already, make an effort to spend more time with your friends, see other girls even if it's just for a fun night out, take a up a hobby where she won't see you... and if she misses you when you're not around, she'll let you know.

 

A gift is a fine idea, if you had a friendly breakup. But I advise against something like jewelry or stuffed animals... typical "girlfriend gifts"... personally, if I guy who is NOT my boyfriend gives me something like that, I get scared, I think he's trying to get with me or worse, get me in bed when I don't think about him that way.... and I semi-consciously pull away, even if we were good friends before. Just a warning... ^_^

 

Make sure everything you do says "let's be friends," not "I need you back." If she needs you back too, she'll let you know.

[Tony T]

What you said in your post is so right on target. I people would just remember it always...they would be a lot more successful in love.

[Deejette]

She broke up with you, so you really don't have much to say about how things will turn out unless she comes back to you because she thinks she made a mistake.

 

You say she is stubborn and you are making an excuse for why she is not approaching you. People who are in denial about why things aren't going their way often will use excuses, like, "She doesn't really know what she wants, she is stubborn and really wants me back, etc."

 

It may sound harsh, but it is best to step back and let her come back to you, if it is meant to be.

What you said in your post is so right on target. I people would just remember it always...they would be a lot more successful in love.

[P]

Yes, great advise from all of the above. It's nice to see people trying to treat each other with respect and civility. The only difficulty I see is that she MAY try to avoid the 'goodbye' conversation if she thinks you're going to get emotional about it, or if she's not sure in her own mind about what to say or do. That one's from personal experince BTW, and it ended up with bitterness all round I'm afraid..

 

Anyway, it would be good to know how you get on, if it's not too much like prying?

 

P

[Ace]

I am sorry that I haven't checked this earlier but to tell you the truth, I have had alot of things going on and I had this bookmarked on my roomates computer because mine was out.

 

Thank you guys very much for the advice. I have done almost exactly what you said. It had been almost 3 weeks after I have given her that note. I sent her a nice christams and new year's email. She replied back with an email that said "I just thought that I would reply, I hope you had good holidays". I thought that this sounded like she didn't care and it pissed me off. I sent her back a s***ty email about it. That day she called me after almost 3 weeks of contact and sounded very apolgetic and teary eyed. I was surprised. I acted very cool and acted like it didn't bother me. I was proud of myself. I also sent her family a letter thanking them for all that they have done. She said that it made her mom cry. She told me to think that this wasn't hard on her because it is which she NEVER said anything about when I used to talk to her. She was mellowing out about the whole thing and I think was missing me. I am alone here at school and so is she. She is only a few buildings down. After we got off the phone from the nice talk that we had, I asked her to come over and watch a movie. She thought about it for awhile, but she gave me a pretty valid excuse why she couldn't come over. I believed her, but I still really can't tell for sure. All in all, she sounded like she is maybe regretting it. Not for sure though. It was definately a plus.

 

Question: School is going to start this Monday. I am only going to be alone here in the apt for one more day. Should I ask her to do something tomorrow? What should I do next? I know that is always good to just let her make the first move, but IF I was to make the first move, what do you recommend that it be??

 

Thank you guys very much about the advice and taking the time to reply. It is very much appreciated.

 

Adam