My husband has asked me to leave Loveshack

[dreamingoftigers]

This is rather embarrassing for me.

 

I have posted here for a while and have racked up a fair post count.

 

I have also really valued and appreciated the support I have received on here. I have also really enjoyed posting etc. Lots of laughs and so forth.

 

I came here originally because of having difficulty deciding to stay in our marriage because of his addiction issues. It got much worse and I stayed on posting on here.

 

I stayed on through other struggles dealing with my daughter, closing my business, returning to school etc etc etc.

 

I find the people on here are exceptional in general and some suck, but whatever, I love a challenge.

 

I've also had some of you come onto my facebook list. I've even had some of you email me personally (one poster did lots and lots and lots, that was okay too) and a couple have even shared some phone calls and texts. (but I stopped doing that when one poster called me at 5 a.m. telling me he had been arrested etc. That made me a little too nervous so I tightened up my boundaries.)

 

Some of you have helped my marriage, some of you I've helped yours. Some of you I've gotten in drawn-out arguments with. Some of you have posts I've cried over. All in all a great experience.

 

However, my "real life" has suffered due to me losing track of the time I spend on here. It does suffer.

 

It's embarrassing to say that. I've noticed my productivity is not what it should be and I haven't been spending as much focused time with my family. I also talk a lot about the postings etc. I think a lot about some of the tougher situations or how to try to empathize and slowly show someone the harm they are doing when they can't see it by some of the harsher approaches.

 

Also, I feel like this is one of the few places where other people know what it is like to be a betrayed spouse and not have a bunch of BS judgment and blame filter down to me because of it. It helps me remember that my husband's actions were entirely his own. And I didn't deserve most of the crap he put me through.

 

But it is making my outside life more difficult.

 

I don't want to leave but now my husband has made it very clear for months now that he resents the amount of time and distraction I have here. He's really frustrated by not being able to talk to me frequently without me fully listening or being distracted. I don't blame him.

 

But I'm not really 100% sure what to do. It's one of those things that you can't see when you are in it. I've been reluctant to post about it.

 

I've also been just, well, embarrassed about it. :o:o:o

I do enjoy being here, I do like posting etc. I do know that it's become a huge time sink in my life and that it is having an affect on my family. I'm worried too that if I give up LS, that I'll lose touch with a whole bunch of you AND feel isolated while trying to work on this marriage AND that I will resent him deeply for even asking me to give it up when he dragged his feet on so many marital things.

 

I don't know. I'm just kind of sad.

 

And maybe a little confused about what the obvious conclusion should be.

[Pyro]

Cut back on your time here.

 

I don't think that you should have to leave all together.

[pteromom]

IMO, the obvious conclusion is to make sure your husband's and family's needs are addressed, and then he will have no issue with how you spend your free time.

 

"He's really frustrated by not being able to talk to me frequently without me fully listening or being distracted."

 

So that's the issue, not LoveShack.

 

Perhaps you can have a nightly "date" after the kids go to bed, where you catch up and talk about all the happenings during the day, thoughts, hopes, whatever. Find something that works - you are smart; you can do it.

 

It is not reasonable for him to expect you to give him 100% attention 100% of the time. You need your hobbies.

[dreamingoftigers]

Cut back on your time here.

 

I don't think that you should have to leave all together.

 

Even more embarassing: I tried that, I get sucked back in really easily. :oYou know, you want to see how so and so is doing.

 

And sometimes so and so hits a crisis. And sometimes so and so floods your inbox or makes a thread that goes 20 pages.

 

Well, there are lots of so and sos.

 

I think that if I just picked a certain time or amount of posting that he could help me regiment for a bit. I know that sounds kinda lame, and he isn't my parent. But I would like to stay but also show my accountability. But I haven't been responsible about it.

 

I notice that it gets worse the when I am on dexedrine. Because whereas the Dexedrine makes me focus AND get a bunch of stuff done AND get up in the morning AND find my car keys........it also makes my mind race a bit so I get hooked into puzzles, reading and posting a lot. Loveshack is fairly varietal and social, so it's a total hook for me. And yes, I have friends in real life too.

 

IMO, the obvious conclusion is to make sure your husband's and family's needs are addressed, and then he will have no issue with how you spend your free time.

 

"He's really frustrated by not being able to talk to me frequently without me fully listening or being distracted."

 

So that's the issue, not LoveShack.

 

Perhaps you can have a nightly "date" after the kids go to bed, where you catch up and talk about all the happenings during the day, thoughts, hopes, whatever. Find something that works - you are smart; you can do it.

 

It is not reasonable for him to expect you to give him 100% attention 100% of the time. You need your hobbies.

 

It honestly feels like this is endless. There's always "something more." It's exhausting and to be blunt my husband is very ADD/ADHD and he isn't medicated right now making more and more stuff for me to do. So i just hit the wall and say "fuc* it" sometimes.

 

I think he would still probably have an issue with it. I think he resents LS because I came on here when we were having worse problems and a lot of people told me to leave him etc. Rightly or wrongly I think he resents that. IDK though. I should, I guess, ask.

 

I know I need my hobbies. But I also get sucked into whatever it is I am interested in. I know that I have a compulsive issue and not just an impulsive one. One time I did nine sudoku books (the "White belt" to "Black belt" series) I just did it every time I had a spare second. It isn't just LS, it's a personality trait I have to limit. I mean, I actually have a World Record. It's for the longest ball of braided yarn. It's 8km long. That's how obsessed I get with things. I had over 1000 balls of different wool. Individually different balls. I ordered from websites to get variety and went to specialty shops around my city. I am actually embarrassed about it. It's even worse when people make a big thing out of it. So I don't tell a lot of people.

 

He doesn't expect 100% attention. He honestly doesn't. In fact he thinks we spend too much time together. I agree. We go to school together. But we don't really "date." In fact, we used to have date days on Wednesdays before December. Then they got cut out. He told me that we would bring them back this semester. We agreed on the days etc. But when the day comes it's always "No I am behind in school today and need to go in." But he'll sleep in until 11:00-12:00 everyday. Yesterday he slept until 14:00.

 

He is in flex class with me and the hours run 9:00-21:00 M-F and 9:00-14:00 on Saturday so he does have the option to. But I do feel that often our marriage comes very secondary to him. Even after all that we've been through. So I kind of resent bringing up date days. It's not good.

 

I know that my emotions shouldn't push around the "logical" thing to do. But I often feel like I am not going to put anymore effort than he does into the marriage. I put so much of myself for years into it while he was treating me like crap. I resent feeling like I have to constantly remind him that I'm his wife and maybe just maybe I'd like to have some regular frikking sex. So often when it comes to LS I feel, what does it matter how much time I spend on here when he isn't holding up his end at all? Why do I have to make one more sacrifice?

 

Although he tells me we don't date/screw because I am always on here and he resents that. Chicken and the egg. (Although scientists did prove that the chicken came first because they started producing the enzymes that made the shell enamel. And he's been the chicken and the ass for awhile now. )

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm not saying I "can't" do any suggestions.

 

I'm just articulating some of my hesitations for some and why I haven't (yet) for others and my feelings about the whole thing.

 

As well, I get really triggered by some other's infidelity stories. Especially when there's a live one. When you know someone is going through that searing pain.

 

Or some of the more devaluing things. Like about fat people and women and pornography.

 

It brings me really really down sometimes.

 

Like, not all day or anything, but sometimes I get angry that I am still even married after everything that has happened. It deepens the resent.

 

If I didn't read such a volume of stuff, it would probably be much less.

[Pyro]

That is a good idea to come on here at predetermined times. Real life issues come first and then LS.

 

There is no reason to stop posting on LS

[dreamingoftigers]

That is a good idea to come on here at predetermined times. Real life issues come first and then LS.

 

There is no reason to stop posting on LS

 

I'll see what a good idea might be.

 

Maybe I should take a break for a bit though?

 

Or IDK.

 

I think having all of these resents and other issues really clouds things for me.

 

But I can see by reading this thread of mine that I thought I was much more mature than I am.

 

Am I really heading back to it so much not just because I enjoy it, but because I am kind of giving him the middle finger? Which isn't good.

 

Well, not the middle finger. Maybe more like "You're not getting this too. You already got way more than you should've from me and you're totally ungrateful and critical, so why should I give up LS on top of it?"

 

But he's not totally ungrateful and critical. He is really critical though. But then he's been trying to address things with me a lot differently and I've been just not giving it my full attention either.

 

ARG. I suck. I thought I was a better spouse than this. I used to be.

[freestyle]

Please don't go, DOT!

 

*throwing myself on the floor, and grabbing you by the ankles*

 

JUST kidding.

 

You're an asset to this site, and I look forward to reading your posts.

I also know enough of your backstory, to see how this was a safe outlet for you, when you were going through some of the worst of your marital difficulties.

 

Please don't see this as me trying to guilt- trip you (that's SO not where I'm coming from) I'm coming form a place of being concerned that you have a support network, knowing that you don't get that from your parents--(or much form husband, even though he's improved a lot...)

 

 

I do understand the addictive nature of the site, and coming to view it as an extended family (dysfunctional as it may at times) and I struggle with losing track of time here as well..... (I'm slowly getting better about it).

 

What about an egg timer, next to the computer/phone?

[dreamingoftigers]

Plus this is one of the very few places I feel like I can talk about my parents. I hate doing it in-person. I often just feel like people think that I am lying. Especially if they know my Dad. I think it is a huge insecurity because my father would abuse me when I was little and then tell me that "no one will ever believe you." And he would tell me that he would murder me and bury in the backyard and no one would ever find me. He even showed me the tree he would put me under. He also routinely would tell me how he would "rip my head off and piss down my dead skull."

 

Of course, you get used to hearing these things, you feel dishonest and threatened when you talk about them. But then often when I read it in print, it really solidifies for me why I have some of the issues that I still carry. It also gives me hope that I can keep putting them behind me.

 

I feel like people rarely say things like "yeah right, sure he did." I don't think anyone has said that to me on here so far. And sometimes when I write it and then think about the ages I was when things like that would happen, its really helps me to be confident that as a little kid, I didn't deserve that. It helps. It really does. In a big way, I don't want to lose that.

[Phoebe]

I know that we've never PM'ed or anything like that but I just wanted to say I'll miss you if you go. I enjoy reading your posts and you seem like such a kind person. At the end of the day though you have to do what's right for you and your family. Hope you can figure out something that satisfies both you and your husband.

[scatterd]

I am sorry you feel such a pull. My Husband also did not want me on here. He would make jokes about it and was kind of cruel. I needed some kind of support and also away to deal with our issues. I think he thought it kept me dwelling but no it was the way things was handled that did that. I let him know this was a release for me and explained it was not all what he thought.I get on here when he is playing games or watching sports etc. Maybe if you get on here when he is occupied it would help. Also let him know no matter what goes on here you have a mind of your own and this helps you to deal. The regulars will not forget you if you take breaks also.I hope you can find a happy medium but what ever you decide I wish you the best.

[dreamingoftigers]

Please don't go, DOT!

 

*throwing myself on the floor, and grabbing you by the ankles*

 

JUST kidding.

 

You're an asset to this site, and I look forward to reading your posts.

I also know enough of your backstory, to see how this was a safe outlet for you, when you were going through some of the worst of your marital difficulties.

 

Please don't see this as me trying to guilt- trip you (that's SO not where I'm coming from) I'm coming form a place of being concerned that you have a support network, knowing that you don't get that from your parents--(or much form husband, even though he's improved a lot...)

 

 

I do understand the addictive nature of the site, and coming to view it as an extended family (dysfunctional as it may at times) and I struggle with losing track of time here as well..... (I'm slowly getting better about it).

 

What about an egg timer, next to the computer/phone?

 

 

LOL, one thing that LS has taught me is that being clingy really keeps people around.

 

Thanks freestyle. I appreciate that. I really, really do.

 

This isn't my "have everyone give me copious amounts of attention and validation" thread either.

 

Or "everyone line up to hate and/or pity myself or my husband" thread.

 

Or the ever-so-classic "I do what I want and my husband can suck it!" thread.

 

This is my "I want to be able to negotiate this issue to the best of my abilities. This place might be somewhat too compelling and toxic for me at this time and/or it could be too important a support to give up. BUT I don't want to give my husband the message that I don't care about his concerns and/or that I will acquiesce to his every critique."

 

Does trying the limiting time or "egg timer" as it were say something like, "oh honey, calm down. I only do heroin on the weekend! See, I'm not a junkie. I love you but I need my me stuff."

 

Like I said: I don't want to leave and I certainly won't if my heart's not in it. I certainly wouldn't just because I feel a "demand" from someone that isn't healthy.

 

But I do think he has tried to address it pretty reasonably and often enough. It's become a real sticking point.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know that we've never PM'ed or anything like that but I just wanted to say I'll miss you if you go. I enjoy reading your posts and you seem like such a kind person. At the end of the day though you have to do what's right for you and your family. Hope you can figure out something that satisfies both you and your husband.

 

Thank you, I've noticed yours as well. I find you very articulate. I noticed you nominated me for QOTW too! Thanks!

[dreamingoftigers]

I am sorry you feel such a pull. My Husband also did not want me on here. He would make jokes about it and was kind of cruel. I needed some kind of support and also away to deal with our issues. I think he thought it kept me dwelling but no it was the way things was handled that did that. I let him know this was a release for me and explained it was not all what he thought.I get on here when he is playing games or watching sports etc. Maybe if you get on here when he is occupied it would help. Also let him know no matter what goes on here you have a mind of your own and this helps you to deal. The regulars will not forget you if you take breaks also.I hope you can find a happy medium but what ever you decide I wish you the best.

 

Thank you scatterd.

 

That's exactly the situation I am in too.

 

Thank you.

Although sometimes inside I fixate. It's not like I sit here and say "you know her husband cheated with a drycleaning lady and I noticed you dropped off a shirt last week. Are you screwing around on me!?"

 

And yeah, he really dragged his feet on working on the marriage at all. And that has been a huge issue. Coming on here has at least let me help someone's marriage.

[amaysngrace]

I quit here for two years.

 

Cold turkey is the only way that I could manage it. I couldn't just spend a half an hour here a day, maybe you can, but I couldn't.

 

Once you're gone and come back it is like you never left...at least that's how it is for me.

 

But I do think it should be your choice and yours alone.

[freestyle]

LOL, one thing that LS has taught me is that being clingy really keeps people around.

 

Thanks freestyle. I appreciate that. I really, really do.

 

You're quite welcome...

 

 

 

 

Like I said: I don't want to leave and I certainly won't if my heart's not in it. I certainly wouldn't just because I feel a "demand" from someone that isn't healthy.

 

Just to warn you--we of the Off-Topic Thread (Otters) have been known to duct tape posters we like, to chairs, to prevent them from leaving....

 

If you do decide to leave,I hope you'll pop in once in awhile to say "hi" , and let us know you're okay.

[dreamingoftigers]

I quit here for two years.

 

Cold turkey is the only way that I could manage it. I couldn't just spend a half an hour here a day, maybe you can, but I couldn't.

 

Once you're gone and come back it is like you never left...at least that's how it is for me.

 

But I do think it should be your choice and yours alone.

 

I was out for awhile. Maybe sixish months or so. I honestly don't even remember, it might have been longer.

 

And you are right. You can largely pick up where you left off.

 

I've noticed some of my old faves aren't posting as regularly anymore, like BNB.

[tman666]

Some people can have a couple drinks and then go home for the night. Some people turn one drink into eight.

 

Some people can eat one cookie and feel satisfied. Some people will eat anything put in front of them, past the point of being full.

 

The point being: know and respect your vulnerabilities. Some people are more susceptible to losing self control than others. For example, I make the choice to not buy sweet, munchy things (such as M&M candies) very often. Sometimes I'll go to someone's house and they'll have a bowl of M&Ms or peanuts or something similar sitting out on the counter at all times. Some guests can grab a small handful, continue to socialize/go about their business, slowly enjoy their reasonably sized snack, and ultimately not have it affect them much. I, on the other hand, can polish off a bowl of treats like that almost mindlessly. Since I don't like the results that that action produces in me (feel like chit, acne, get fat, etc.), I do my best not to "open that door" in the first place (usually by abstaining altogether).

 

If 1 hour of Loveshack time turns into 6 hours of LS time, especially at the expense of communication with your family, obviously this is producing a negative result for you. In order to avoid the results, you may have to avoid the action in the first place.

 

This is an admittedly "extreme" stance, but if moderation doesn't work for you, abstaining may be the only option.

 

I'd sure as hell try practicing moderation first though! I'd hate to see you have to go!

 

That said:

 

real life family/friends >>>>> internet

[Xinreeki]

 

Well I'd be very sad to see you go, if that's what you decide.

 

But I know how distracting this place can be.

 

Although, to be honest, I do find it to be fairly frustrating here oftentimes too. Sometimes to such a degree that I question what I'm even doing here!

 

However, I'm lucky, as due to my ill health I have quite a bit of free time for things like this, especially during the week, while my bf is at work.

 

But yes, if you do need to leave, or even cut down a lot, you will be missed.

 

Still, whatever you decide, I wish you the very best!

 

*Hugs*

[scatterd]

Although sometimes inside I fixate. It's not like I sit here and say "you know her husband cheated with a drycleaning lady and I noticed you dropped off a shirt last week. Are you screwing around on me!?"LOL

 

I think our men have insecurity's. At one time my husband thought it would influence me to leave and also cloud my thinking. After talking to him and explaining what it did for me he left it alone. Now we sit by each other on free time and he does his thing while I do mine. It takes time to heal and build trust. Funny how the trust works, He did the wrong thing which I lost trust and then he did not trust what I would do. Thats where Love-shack was a threat. We have come along way though. I feel for you right now I think in time he wont mind you coming here. You need to do what is best for your relationship. I hope he will focus on you

the way you deserve.

[TaraMaiden]

I get the feeling the reason you are having difficulty deciding what to do is because (1) you don't like being put in a position of having to choose 'either/or'....

 

(2) because actually - you don't WANT to cut down when you're asked to. Or at all, for that matter...

 

(3) because you know he's right, and you feel kinda guilty about that - but you currently feel as if LS fulfils you more than he does.

 

Close....?

 

Far off....?

 

Shoulda read the thread.

Just saw the title and panicked.....

 

((((hugs))))

[pteromom]

It honestly feels like this is endless. There's always "something more." It's exhausting and to be blunt my husband is very ADD/ADHD and he isn't medicated right now making more and more stuff for me to do.

 

So what would it accomplish to give in and leave LS? You will have lost something that brings you happiness... for what reason?

 

If he wants you to leave LS, then he should have to get up at a reasonable hour so you can have more of his attention. It can't go only one way.

[serial muse]

I suspect that cold turkey is the only way to really get a grip on how much time you spend on LS and what you aren't doing as a result of time spent here (it has been for me, when I would walk away for periods of time). I'll be sad if you leave , but maybe it is reasonable to give his request a try and see how that affects your dynamic...

 

But I feel for you, because it seems like this place gives you a much-needed outlet and a voice and I wouldn't want you to lose that. So, if you do take a time-out, while you're away (temporarily??!?) you might consider keeping a journal (if you don't already), because you're a talented writer and it would also be a way to still have a "voice" when you're feeling isolated and frustrated. I hope you will.

[dreamingoftigers]

This is an admittedly "extreme" stance, but if moderation doesn't work for you, abstaining may be the only option.

 

I'd sure as hell try practicing moderation first though! I'd hate to see you have to go!

 

That said:

 

real life family/friends >>>>> internet

 

I agree with your stance.

 

As per the bolded, how many posters do you have to swear at to get on moderation. I swear at a lot and they never put me there. I have yet to practice moderation.

 

(Although they might now)

[dreamingoftigers]

 

Well I'd be very sad to see you go, if that's what you decide.

 

But I know how distracting this place can be.

 

Although, to be honest, I do find it to be fairly frustrating here oftentimes too. Sometimes to such a degree that I question what I'm even doing here!

 

However, I'm lucky, as due to my ill health I have quite a bit of free time for things like this, especially during the week, while my bf is at work.

 

But yes, if you do need to leave, or even cut down a lot, you will be missed.

 

Still, whatever you decide, I wish you the very best!

 

*Hugs*

 

Thanks :D