My husband has asked me to leave Loveshack

[dreamingoftigers]

 

I think our men have insecurity's. At one time my husband thought it would influence me to leave and also cloud my thinking. Funny how the trust works, He did the wrong thing which I lost trust and then he did not trust what I would do. Thats where Love-shack was a threat.

 

We have come along way though. I feel for you right now I think in time he wont mind you coming here. You need to do what is best for your relationship. I hope he will focus on you the way you deserve.

 

Thank you. I am glad that someone understands from a personal perspective.

[tman666]

I agree with your stance.

 

As per the bolded, how many posters do you have to swear at to get on moderation. I swear at a lot and they never put me there. I have yet to practice moderation.

 

(Although they might now)

 

I think one can get away with posting links to pics of 1, maybe 2 cocks per week. Overshooting that a bit (like 20 a day) would probably get their attention to help you moderate, I would think.

 

Have you considered increasing the frequency at which you post links to pics of BBCs?

 

 

 

 

[dreamingoftigers]

I get the feeling the reason you are having difficulty deciding what to do is because (1) you don't like being put in a position of having to choose 'either/or'....

 

(2) because actually - you don't WANT to cut down when you're asked to. Or at all, for that matter...

 

(3) because you know he's right, and you feel kinda guilty about that - but you currently feel as if LS fulfils you more than he does.

 

Close....?

 

Far off....?

 

Shoulda read the thread.

Just saw the title and panicked.....

 

((((hugs))))

 

1 & 3.

 

Honestly.

Oftentimes I feel really uncomfortable and criticized around him. So yeah, this is my escape. I escape my own stupid reality and come watch everyone else's train wrecks and medal wins.

 

Also it feels productive because I tend to learn bits more about myself and relationships.

 

But on the other hand. My relationships are now suffering because of it.

 

I am more worried about what it role models to my daughter.

[dreamingoftigers]

So what would it accomplish to give in and leave LS? You will have lost something that brings you happiness... for what reason?

 

If he wants you to leave LS, then he should have to get up at a reasonable hour so you can have more of his attention. It can't go only one way.

 

That's when fights start.

[dreamingoftigers]

I suspect that cold turkey is the only way to really get a grip on how much time you spend on LS and what you aren't doing as a result of time spent here (it has been for me, when I would walk away for periods of time). I'll be sad if you leave , but maybe it is reasonable to give his request a try and see how that affects your dynamic...

 

But I feel for you, because it seems like this place gives you a much-needed outlet and a voice and I wouldn't want you to lose that. So, if you do take a time-out, while you're away (temporarily??!?) you might consider keeping a journal (if you don't already), because you're a talented writer and it would also be a way to still have a "voice" when you're feeling isolated and frustrated. I hope you will.

 

TYVM:D

 

I think I will take a break one way or the other. Maybe a couple of weeks or a month and see if I don't kill him in the interim.

 

Or at least that would give me the extra time to hide the body.

 

It's not that bad. I'm joking. Really, really I am.....

[TaraMaiden]

Your daughter depends on you.

You owe her your time and dedication.

Unconditionally, because she loves you unconditionally.

And she loves how you do her hair....

 

Your husband is a grown man, and has plenty of issues himself he needs to man up to and deal with.

While I accept that YOU accept he may have a point, he needs to see that the less attention he pays you and the more he wilfully neglects you, the less 'right' he has to ask you to sacrifice what fulfils you.

 

In short, if you spend less time here with us, do it for your daughter, primarily, not him.

She deserves your time.

 

And we'd understand.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think one can get away with posting links to pics of 1, maybe 2 cocks per week. Overshooting that a bit (like 20 a day) would probably get their attention to help you moderate, I would think.

 

Have you considered increasing the frequency at which you post links to pics of BBCs?

 

 

I admit I had not thought of this.

 

Do you think that this is big enough?

http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/stefan1234/stefan12340904/stefan1234090400010/4648400-black-cochin-rooster-and-hen-isolated-on-white.jpg

[dreamingoftigers]

Your daughter depends on you.

You owe her your time and dedication.

Unconditionally, because she loves you unconditionally.

And she loves how you do her hair....

 

Your husband is a grown man, and has plenty of issues himself he needs to man up to and deal with.

While I accept that YOU accept he may have a point, he needs to see that the less attention he pays you and the more he wilfully neglects you, the less 'right' he has to ask you to sacrifice what fulfils you.

 

In short, if you spend less time here with us, do it for your daughter, primarily, not him.

She deserves your time.

 

And we'd understand.

 

And she is my Favorite!

https://www.flickr.com/photos/96717945@N02/

Edited May 30, 2013 by dreamingoftigers

[pteromom]

That's when fights start.

 

They don't have to.

 

Your job in the marriage is to try to meet his needs and be there for him. Your job is NOT to sell yourself out, become who he thinks you should be, or be a doormat.

 

You are entitled to your opinions and time-wasters and feelings.

 

His issues do not have to be your issues. You do not have to engage in fights in order to assert yourself.

 

If you just let him make all the rules and you follow quietly behind, you are going to end up deeply resentful.

[todreaminblue]

Hey dreaming,

 

i dont want you to go......but i know how hard it is to limit time...i get sucked in here too......i read threads and think why did i read that i cant answer and go to the next one.......and time just slips away....my family know i derive great pleasure from trying to help people......i have my brekkie on here most days.......i am not in a relationship....but it must be hard for you ......love shack has helped me feel more normal.......i so enjoy your posts.......i understand how family comes first....i understand how your marriage comes first........i would be sad if you left......i hope you do what is really best for you...i sometimes use loveshack to enforce celibacy when i feel weak.....a few women suck threads and i banged this slut thread....and i am back on track...its like medication.......smilin....

 

 

i really hope things work out for you and your family.hugs to ya.......luv....debxo

[dreamingoftigers]

They don't have to.

 

Your job in the marriage is to try to meet his needs and be there for him. Your job is NOT to sell yourself out, become who he thinks you should be, or be a doormat.

 

You are entitled to your opinions and time-wasters and feelings.

 

His issues do not have to be your issues. You do not have to engage in fights in order to assert yourself.

 

If you just let him make all the rules and you follow quietly behind, you are going to end up deeply resentful.

I'll talk to him. But I find he's better about "Exchanging things" if I've already put my end up.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey dreaming,

 

i dont want you to go......but i know how hard it is to limit time...i get sucked in here too......i read threads and think why did i read that i cant answer and go to the next one.......and time just slips away....my family know i derive great pleasure from trying to help people......i have my brekkie on here most days.......i am not in a relationship....but it must be hard for you ......love shack has helped me feel more normal.......i so enjoy your posts.......i understand how family comes first....i understand how your marriage comes first........i would be sad if you left......i hope you do what is really best for you...i sometimes use loveshack to enforce celibacy when i feel weak.....a few women suck threads and i banged this slut thread....and i am back on track...its like medication.......smilin....

 

 

i really hope things work out for you and your family.hugs to ya.......luv....debxo

 

 

Thanks Deb.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

No, my kid doesn't run around naked!

Just the cutest ones I have on the laptop right now.

[TaraMaiden]

 

No, my kid doesn't run around naked!

Just the cutest ones I have on the laptop right now.

 

I do.....

 

causes a stir at Tesco's.....

[Almond_Joy]

Sorry if the current track of the thread is past the issue presented in the OP, I haven't read the thread.

 

But wanted to suggest looking into setting boundaries on your internet time that you can't control and therefore disregard. If your internet browser is google chrome, there's an allocation made by google to work with the chrome browser that limits the time you can spend online. If you only want to be online for leisure an hour a day, you adjust the settings for that. Then next time you're online and you hit your preset time limit, the browser blocks you from accessing that site on that computer for the rest of the day, so you can't go back to it on that computer until tomorrow or unless you find another comp. Here's the link for it:

 

https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/stayfocusd/laankejkbhbdhmipfmgcngdelahlfoji?hl=en

 

You and your husband can sit down and agree on a reasonable amount of time for you to spend here on a daily basis, then have a friend set up the application and browser settings. This way neither of you have control over the time limits once they've been set.

 

I also wanted to say I can relate. My bf doesn't resent the time I spend online, I don't think, but I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with the amount of time I've been spending here lately. This site is valuable to a lot of people, I think, in many ways....kinda hard to just walk away from especially permanently.

Edited May 30, 2013 by Almond_Joy

[2sunny]

Cut back on your time here.

 

I don't think that you should have to leave all together.

 

I agree.

 

This is your time.

 

IF he is asking you to do this - he's thinking of himself! Thinking of himself is one of the core issues of a program he should be working. He should be thinking and DOING for OTHERS!

 

Since he's still acting selfish - he's at risk to go back to his active addiction. He should be busy doing his steps and sponsoring others/many!

 

 

You can try healthy balance by giving yourself ____ amount of minutes, hours on this site each day...

 

To expect to quit posting at all isn't realistic - as you have good input, suggestions for those here who need help.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry if the current track of the thread is past the issue presented in the OP, I haven't read the thread.

 

But wanted to suggest looking into setting boundaries on your internet time that you can't control and therefore disregard. If your internet browser is google chrome, there's an allocation made by google to work with the chrome browser that limits the time you can spend online. If you only want to be online for leisure an hour a day, you adjust the settings for that. Then next time you're online and you hit your preset time limit, the browser blocks you from accessing that site on that computer for the rest of the day, so you can't go back to it on that computer until tomorrow or unless you find another comp. Here's the link for it:

 

https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/stayfocusd/laankejkbhbdhmipfmgcngdelahlfoji?hl=en

 

You and your husband can sit down and agree on a reasonable amount of time for you to spend here on a daily basis, then have a friend set up the application and browser settings. This way neither of you have control over the time limits once they've been set.

 

I also wanted to say I can relate. My bf doesn't resent the time I spend online, I don't think, but I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with the amount of time I've been spending here lately. This site is valuable to a lot of people, I think, in many ways....kinda hard to just walk away from especially permanently.

 

That's wonderful! Thank you!:love:

[todreaminblue]

That's wonderful! Thank you!:love:

 

it is....:bunny: it is.....i am going to try it......deb

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree.

 

1. This is your time.

 

2. IF he is asking you to do this - he's thinking of himself! Thinking of himself is one of the core issues of a program he should be working. He should be thinking and DOING for OTHERS!

3. Since he's still acting selfish - he's at risk to go back to his active addiction. He should be busy doing his steps and sponsoring others/many!

 

4.You can try healthy balance by giving yourself ____ amount of minutes, hours on this site each day...

5.To expect to quit posting at all isn't realistic - as you have good input, suggestions for those here who need help.

 

1. I tend to agree. Except that it's kind of my time when the dishes need to get done or, say, I am, let's just say for the sake of fun...... about a week behind on my Biology homework:o..... and my Calculus:o..... when I am usually about a month ahead. He's got a point.

 

2. Yeah, he's selfish often. I think we both know that. He isn't in a program right now. He did AADAC Recovery and Relapse Prevention.

 

3. I think that he is at risk when he's not "doing something." I agree. Right now he's in school and I don't think he'll torch that for a relapse. Plus having our daughter taken and returned really seared him. I don't think he'll go back to either addiction. At least not until she leaves home. I'm not kidding. She means the world to him.

 

4. I agree. I agree fully.

 

5. Thank you. Thanks very much. You too by the way.

[dreamingoftigers]

In his defense:

 

Our relationship isn't anywhere as bad as it was. We both seem to have a lot of anxiety about when/how to address problems with one another.

 

A lot of times I'll be scared to bring something up because I still fear the backlash from awhile ago. Then it really isn't so bad.

 

In the last week or so, there's been more of a large shift to work as a team.

 

It's been nice. As well, I have been trying to watch for not turning things into a "competition" (A problem on both sides). It has been going better too.

 

And no, he hasn't seen this thread and told me to post a correct or anything.

 

But we are actually on the way out to go to the Orchestra to celebrate our 7th (wedding) and 8th (meeting) anniversaries.

[TaraMaiden]

Have a lovely, lovely evening!!

 

(hugs!!))))

 

(My left arm has pins and needles. I can't feel it....)

[ptp]

DOT,

 

I always like your posts and think you add value to this site. However, if I was in a marriage and I wanted to spend time with my SO and my SO was spending time on LS, I would be mad too.

 

LS is great, but it isn't real life.

 

If you feel afraid that you will lose touch, why not limit yourself to times when you can't spend time with your husband? Maybe something like only on Saturday mornings or Tue-Thursdays after dinner.

 

Or if you have a group of LS that you enjoy and bounce ideas off of, why not keep in touch with them outside of LS? That way you get benefit of other people's perspective without making LS a time sink.

 

Either way, I wish you nothing but the best.

[pcplod]

I hear what you are saying. It's difficult, particularly if things are difficult with your real world experiences; it's an out, as you point out. However, Maybe you need to consider whether it has become a bit addictive, out-of-proportion. You sort of suggest at that, when it begins to impact on the essentials of everyday life.

 

Why don't you take a break from it, put yourself to a self-test of resolve? How much of you is the real you here anyway, how much of you is an alter ego? And how many of us others here are living through an alter ego and need to just be getting on with life?

 

There is not really that much wrong with 'talking' to others here any more than talking to friends or neighbours but when it is figuratively occupying all your waking hours well, it probably ain't good. And the bottom line has to be that any of the alter egos that you have become acquainted with can just as suddenly melt away into the night as suddenly as they appeared. You have no control over that, but you need to accept it and deal with it. Maybe having a healthy scepticism and disregard for the transience and ephemeral nature of it all is a good starting point.

 

I also think, in principle, that standing up for your own presence in the world is important, that you are not completely subsumed into your marriage. It is, after all, just a one-to-one relationship, albeit a significant one, and as such it has all the frailties of such an arrangement. It can get broken if that is all there is to it. Does that sound vague?

 

What would happen if you were to reach a compromise? Take a break of a month, 2 months, whatever, to test your resolve and self-control and then agree that you will only be here at certain times of the day or week, ie those that do not coincide with your partner being around. Even if he is not around you need to be confident that it isn't controlling you to such an extent that you can't get done what you know you need to get done.

 

Also, read more and post less, and when you do be concise more often, unlike me.

 

Finally, be sure in your own mind that his motives for asking this of you are genuine and not controlling or manipulative. If it is genuinely because he is concerned for the impact on your relationship, even been a contributory factor in his past behaviour, then you will know that everyone will understand.

[tbf]

DoT, do whatever works best for you and your family.

 

It's like breakups. To cope, some go NC, others LC, others abuse NC by playing games, some beg their way to a second chance and others are in denial.

 

Regardless, I'll miss your posts but wish you well. ((hugs))

[Silly_Girl]

(I didn't have time to read whole thread, sorry, but) I vote you do a two-week no LS stint, to prove to you both you can do it, and a symbolic commitment, and then specific windows per week where you can peruse and post to your heart's content, but when time's up... time's up!!

 

I understand (to a degree) and think that if there were other issues outside of life (sick friend needing to stay for example) LS would rightly get curtailed, so it's not wrong for you to be making a change for the best of reasons