My husband has asked me to leave Loveshack

[Leigh 87]

Don't go!

 

Why not discuss with your husband a set time every could of days? For example, how about telling him "hey, after I spend most of my time with you and my daughter, can you help me pick a time frame that I can go on Love Shack, such as from 5 until 6 pm?

 

If I were you, and this is just what I would do: I would tell him that:

 

"the marriage is more important than Love Shack OBVIOUSLY. I will quit for you! However, please can you hear me out. I want you to consider my feelings, just like I have agreed to quit Love Shack to consider your feelings and make them my fist priority"

 

" While I am happy to quit for you, I really enjoy Love Shack and it means a lot to me. I have some friends on here who sometimes depend on my support and advice, just like I get a lot out of listening to their kind words"

 

" It would really REALLY upset me to quit a Hobby that I love. It is a very educational website, you learn a lot about what goes on with people from all walks of life, and from all around the world"

 

" Please can we come to a compromise? YOU KNOW I will quit, but is there a way around it, where I can agree to go on it a LOT less? That way we can BOTH be happy?"

 

" How is going on it, say: one hour every 3 days or less, going to impact you?"

 

..................................................

 

My ex asked me to quit, too. HE HATED this website because everyone told me he did not love me and he was just, you know, some dude that used me for sex and my company.

 

I understand both these guys reasoning; your family does come first, and my ex hated people saying things to me that actually caused me to doubt him.

 

It hurt my ex a lot, me being on here. He always told me how much he loved me, and how much it hurt when everyone told me the opposite.

 

In the end, I came to a compromise with him; I would not use it when we were together, and only when he was in bed and I couldn't sleep.

 

Not that I really owed him anything.

[Roadkill007]

noooooo! Who will randomly upvote my posts then?!

 

 

 

I think if you set yourself a regular schedule or something it may work out. Like, give yourself 2 hours on LS every Saturday and Sunday, or however suited it may be for your time constraints. Try to stick by it, and reward yourself when you don't go over the time limit (don't go over, not even one second!). While it does feel rewarding to interact with people on LS, you need to keep real life your priority .

[AlexDP]

Oh Alex <3

 

I have come to appreciate your very blunt black-and-white posting for what I think you are trying to convey.

 

Although the method of delivery could (easily) be construed as shaming or thoughtlessness, I can see that you're encouraging me to cease a potentially harmful behaviour and seek help to end the compulsivity.

 

At least, I hope I have that right and you aren't really telling me that I'm a selfish idiot. (Unless its out of love).

 

Why would I see you as selfish? Rather, it's the opposite. You seem to have problems with boundaries when it comes to people on this forum. Look, I like posting here very much, but this Friday I'm leaving for a roadtrip in the USA. None of you will even cross my mind when I'm out there.

 

And that's because it is just an internet forum. I appreciate that you are all real people and have real lives, but I don't know any of you. Being called up in the middle of the night by someone you met on an internet forum tells me that something is.. off.

 

In the end though I think that limiting your time is probably healthier than cutting it entirely. Cutting it doesn't mean you're learning to set boundaries. It's evasive behaviour. Sure, it can be necessary and if it is, by all means do so. But do you really think you're not able to limit the time you spend here?

[MidwestUSA]

Whatever you decide (I admit to not reading every post), me and Scrotum, my purse, wish you the best! You need to take care of yourself and those immediately around you first. As an ADDer with compulsive tendencies who just married one exactly like me!!!, I understand the need for, but difficulty in finding, balance. Best of everything to you, and bless you for all of your wonderful advice and support!

[stillafool]

DOT I'm going to miss you very much but I understand. I use a timer when on LS because you can waste alot of precious time here. Take care and if possible check in now and then to let us know how you're doing. God Bless.

[Anela]

I have backed away from most of the board, except for the OTT and threads like this.

 

I would miss you if you leave. We don't talk often, but I like you. And I don't think it's fair of your husband to want you to leave a place that you enjoy. I understand spending too much time on the internet - I've wasted a lot of time on the internet in the past, and I regret that, but this isn't "just a forum", when you have friends here, and have given and received support, had a laugh, etc - as you have. It's a community, just like "real life".

[dreamingoftigers]

don't leave me

 

hi sweetkiwi,

 

I am not checking out entirely.

 

If I was this would be the slowest, most drawn-out, narcissistic-looking exit ever.

 

How are things with you? I noticed you dropped out for a brief bit.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah this place is slightly addictive...

 

The key is just balance and sometimes having to detach from this place. Focus on yourself and the outside world.

 

During the worst of times, LS helped me as I was suffering badly from panic and anxiety attacks so I spend many hours a day on here. I'm still addicted but am not on LS half as much as I used to be.

 

I am surprised to hear you say that it's addictive WWIU.

 

Don't you have the highest post-count in LS history?

 

I hope that you aren't as hooked because the anxiety/panic is getting better.

 

I've always thought that you were one of LS's most balanced posters, if not THE most balanced. Insightful posts.

[dreamingoftigers]

I hope, if you decide to leave permanently or take a leave of absence, it will benefit your marriage and family in a positive way.

If you tend to be an 'all-in' personality, then it's possible that the rabbit hole here could be counterproductive to the real dynamics which benefit you in everyday life. I did note a marked ramp-up in your postings over the last month or two, compared to historical averages. One potential would be to view the average post per day number in your profile and use that as a hard 'limit' to participation, if you choose LC with the forum.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you well.

 

Thank you carhill.

 

A year or two ago, I gave it a shot to aim for 10 posts a day average. (Which was a little nuts, frankly). I tend to go up and down and even take breaks.

 

But watching the average post count is an excellent idea. As long as it doesn't rise, it should be about acceptable for what I could do in a day and find enjoyable. As opposed to somewhat of a guilty obligation at times.

 

I've always found your posting to be remarkably well-balanced and insightful as well.

[dreamingoftigers]

Don't go!

 

Why not discuss with your husband a set time every could of days? For example, how about telling him "hey, after I spend most of my time with you and my daughter, can you help me pick a time frame that I can go on Love Shack, such as from 5 until 6 pm?

 

If I were you, and this is just what I would do: I would tell him that:

 

"the marriage is more important than Love Shack OBVIOUSLY. I will quit for you! However, please can you hear me out. I want you to consider my feelings, just like I have agreed to quit Love Shack to consider your feelings and make them my fist priority"

 

" While I am happy to quit for you, I really enjoy Love Shack and it means a lot to me. I have some friends on here who sometimes depend on my support and advice, just like I get a lot out of listening to their kind words"

 

" It would really REALLY upset me to quit a Hobby that I love. It is a very educational website, you learn a lot about what goes on with people from all walks of life, and from all around the world"

 

" Please can we come to a compromise? YOU KNOW I will quit, but is there a way around it, where I can agree to go on it a LOT less? That way we can BOTH be happy?"

 

" How is going on it, say: one hour every 3 days or less, going to impact you?"

 

..................................................

 

My ex asked me to quit, too. HE HATED this website because everyone told me he did not love me and he was just, you know, some dude that used me for sex and my company.

 

I understand both these guys reasoning; your family does come first, and my ex hated people saying things to me that actually caused me to doubt him.

 

It hurt my ex a lot, me being on here. He always told me how much he loved me, and how much it hurt when everyone told me the opposite.

 

In the end, I came to a compromise with him; I would not use it when we were together, and only when he was in bed and I couldn't sleep.

 

Not that I really owed him anything.

 

Leigh,

 

Thanks for all of the suggestions to find a compromise. At the moment, my husband is searching and downloading the timer apps for chrome onto my main laptop.

 

It's too bad that this place impacted your relationship with your ex.

 

However, I'm sure you've also picked up lots of tools to select a relationship where you don't need to find more LS tools.

 

Oh Leigh, I hope things just work out for the both of us.

[dreamingoftigers]

noooooo! Who will randomly upvote my posts then?!

 

I think if you set yourself a regular schedule or something it may work out. Like, give yourself 2 hours on LS every Saturday and Sunday, or however suited it may be for your time constraints. Try to stick by it, and reward yourself when you don't go over the time limit (don't go over, not even one second!). While it does feel rewarding to interact with people on LS, you need to keep real life your priority .

 

Is that the amount of time I'll need to review and upvote your posts?

 

I'll get it done Roadkill. I think it'll be MAX 1/2 per day, and not everyday.

[dreamingoftigers]

Whatever you decide (I admit to not reading every post), me and Scrotum, my purse, wish you the best! You need to take care of yourself and those immediately around you first. As an ADDer with compulsive tendencies who just married one exactly like me!!!, I understand the need for, but difficulty in finding, balance. Best of everything to you, and bless you for all of your wonderful advice and support!

 

Saddest thing ever.......

 

I lost my scrotum this weekend! My beautiful green, worn-out scrotum!

(Ironically enough, it was also carrying a whole pack of pencils. What can I say? I'm greedy.)

 

So I had to replace it with a new green scrotum.

 

Good thing I don't keep men's balls in my purse eh? Those guys would've been SOL!

 

(For those of you that don't know, this is a theme from another thread. I do not have a "scrotum" or balls etc etc etc)

[dreamingoftigers]

DOT I'm going to miss you very much but I understand. I use a timer when on LS because you can waste alot of precious time here. Take care and if possible check in now and then to let us know how you're doing. God Bless.

 

I'm going to use a timer too, so don't get too used to missing me SAF.

[dreamingoftigers]

Your "voice" and opinion will be missed. I hope that you will consider returning if you feel the need, despite "approval" by him or not if you need it and feel it is a support then please seek it out at that time.

 

However... I think it's a wise decision honestly.

If you are losing track of time (and it's easy to do... even posting aroudn other events, etc) and your becoming too focused on things here, it can impact your life.

I find that LS can directly impact a mood and relationship in a variety of ways, not all positive.

 

I truly and sincerely wish you the best and hope you find peace in your journey and new chapter.

 

Thanks LFH.

 

If I felt I needed the support that badly, it would mean that my M is at the breaking point anyhow.

I do find the bolded to be a factor as well. Sometimes the things I read about "women" or "betrayed spouses" just gets under my skin. Sometimes I think, "Gawd people really think this?" I also get sad about the things I read about single mothers. I find that the vast majority of the stereotype don't fit most of the women, BS, or single mothers I know. In fact I only know one that fits the profile, and she's a really extreme case.

 

I do have some self-work to do, obviously.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have backed away from most of the board, except for the OTT and threads like this.

 

I would miss you if you leave. We don't talk often, but I like you. And I don't think it's fair of your husband to want you to leave a place that you enjoy. I understand spending too much time on the internet - I've wasted a lot of time on the internet in the past, and I regret that, but this isn't "just a forum", when you have friends here, and have given and received support, had a laugh, etc - as you have. It's a community, just like "real life".

 

We've crossed paths a fair bit I think.

 

I like you too.

 

I also agree with you on the vast majority of posts and find that you get bugged by the same things I do.

 

I do agree that this is a community and I feel like I have a niche here.

My husband is understanding of that, and is in fact supportive of it, and I really appreciate it. It does however, need to be reduced, which I have been doing bit by bit since we talked about it.

 

The timer app should be on tonight.

[dreamingoftigers]

Why would I see you as selfish? Rather, it's the opposite. You seem to have problems with boundaries when it comes to people on this forum. Look, I like posting here very much, but this Friday I'm leaving for a roadtrip in the USA. None of you will even cross my mind when I'm out there.

 

And that's because it is just an internet forum. I appreciate that you are all real people and have real lives, but I don't know any of you. Being called up in the middle of the night by someone you met on an internet forum tells me that something is.. off.

 

In the end though I think that limiting your time is probably healthier than cutting it entirely. Cutting it doesn't mean you're learning to set boundaries. It's evasive behaviour. Sure, it can be necessary and if it is, by all means do so. But do you really think you're not able to limit the time you spend here?

 

I agree that historically my boundaries regarding individuals on this forum hasn't been what it should be. So about 1.5 years ago, I stopped giving out certain personal contact info. The call in the night was really the tipping point. At the time, I can see why it snowballed into that. I was at the height of isolation in my marriage etc. But it was something that needed to be reversed, especially after the individual was arrested for pounding out his wife for giving him an STD. Too weird for me.

 

I also wasn't heavily aware of what "boundaries" even were. Quite the learning curve. Gladly, I've been reading more about them over the last couple of years. Great, great things. In fact, the first time I heard about boundaries was in the early days of MC. We had to do a boundary exercise where we laid yarn down on the floor to "represent a boundary" and how much space we would symbolically like. As soon as she gave me my piece of yarn and asked me to lay it down, I cried. I didn't want a boundary because it kept people out. And kept me isolated.

 

I feel a lot differently about boundaries now. I feel like they keep me safe and I can keep my energy.

 

I agree that cutting it out completely simply leaves me open to fill the time with the next compulsion.

 

This should be a good litmus test.

[KathyM]

This place is addictive, for sure. It's probably a good idea to limit your time here if it is interfering with your family life. I know I spend more time reading this board than I probably should also, and it should be more limited. Usually, I'm multi-tasking while on here, such as watching T.V. in the evening while reading, but I'm sure my husband would prefer that I quit altogether. I try not to let it interfere too much with other responsibilities.

[dreamingoftigers]

This place is addictive, for sure. It's probably a good idea to limit your time here if it is interfering with your family life. I know I spend more time reading this board than I probably should also, and it should be more limited. Usually, I'm multi-tasking while on here, such as watching T.V. in the evening while reading, but I'm sure my husband would prefer that I quit altogether. I try not to let it interfere too much with other responsibilities.

 

Hi Kathy M,

 

It's nice to see so many regulars posting.

 

I tend to go on here when my husband is watching shows too.

There are some different apps installed to help limit the time on here. Hopefully it works well.

[Eve]

The timer thing sounds like a good idea. See how that goes.

 

Maybe focus on PM's with those who you like for a time more than board posting? Often this is far more beneficial anyway.

 

Whatever you do, do it because you really want to. Maybe you could do some voluntary work or something linked to helping others as you have a good ear. People rarely truely listen to others, hence it can be a true blessing to others when they are heard.. so yeah, focus on developing this natural gift of yours IRL.

 

 

Usually I will come on here if H is watching sports but we check in on each other all the time. So for us, it is about the willingness to disengage from whatever we are doing to connect with each other that matters above all else. Even if this means that he gives up the second half of football to watch Criminal Minds with me.. or my making him a cup of tea and giving him a shoulder rub whilst he and the boys of the family do their loud sport watching thing.

 

I am sure you can find a way to ensure that LS can be used to benefit the important relationships in your life... h'mmm.. hence my thinking that maybe you could focus on voluntary work of some sort.

 

Sorry if I have got it wrong and you are already a professional.

 

Just be your fabulous self.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Feelin Frisky]

Get him his own computer and have him sign up. Then you can talk.

 

I feel for ya. It can be so engaging to just indulge your intellect with invisible people. You'll get over it though after you put other things in your life.

[Emilia]

I don't have a suggestion, dot, which is why I haven't posted on this thread before. Yes you have your niche here and I really enjoy reading your posts. You are very funny

 

Hope the timer helps and that you find a way to keep posting. I know you will do what is best.

[dreamingoftigers]

The timer thing sounds like a good idea. See how that goes.

 

Maybe focus on PM's with those who you like for a time more than board posting? Often this is far more beneficial anyway.

 

Whatever you do, do it because you really want to. Maybe you could do some voluntary work or something linked to helping others as you have a good ear. People rarely truely listen to others, hence it can be a true blessing to others when they are heard.. so yeah, focus on developing this natural gift of yours IRL.

 

 

Usually I will come on here if H is watching sports but we check in on each other all the time. So for us, it is about the willingness to disengage from whatever we are doing to connect with each other that matters above all else. Even if this means that he gives up the second half of football to watch Criminal Minds with me.. or my making him a cup of tea and giving him a shoulder rub whilst he and the boys of the family do their loud sport watching thing.

 

I am sure you can find a way to ensure that LS can be used to benefit the important relationships in your life... h'mmm.. hence my thinking that maybe you could focus on voluntary work of some sort.

 

Sorry if I have got it wrong and you are already a professional.

 

Just be your fabulous self.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

Thanks Eve,

 

The timer got installed last night, but there was something wrong with the partition (blah blah I don't know this technical stuff blah blah blah. I think it was something up in the rocket-churner got stuck on the high-speed laser pulley and directed it towards Mars. )

 

So he's got to fix it.

I am not a professional yet. I do like to listen to people but I sure couldn't work in one of the "helping" fields. Even if I got my own stuff sorted better than California Closets, my codependency latch gets tripped. Or it at least brings me back to my own old garbage. I'm sick of playing in it.

 

I'll help by going into research if I can make it that far (fingers crossed).

LS is a nice outlet, but if I am getting sucked in here, oh man I can't imagine trying "helping" out as a job or even volunteer position.

 

As far as volunteering goes, I have no problem packing soup cans etc. but not the face-to-face. When I was younger I did. It wasn't as much of an issue, I just can't risk myself on the line like that. :bunny:

[dreamingoftigers]

Get him his own computer and have him sign up. Then you can talk.

 

I feel for ya. It can be so engaging to just indulge your intellect with invisible people. You'll get over it though after you put other things in your life.

 

I've actually thought of this.

 

It's nice that the 'invisible people' have avatars and respond back this time though. Not like that time at the bus stop when the police came.

 

(I'm totally kidding, but I did see a guy in a full on screaming match last week with someone that was conspicuously absent.)

 

I'm working on it. I've been studying the vast majority of the day. My mind needs a little shifting of focus.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't have a suggestion, dot, which is why I haven't posted on this thread before. Yes you have your niche here and I really enjoy reading your posts. You are very funny

 

Hope the timer helps and that you find a way to keep posting. I know you will do what is best.

 

Thanks Emilia.

 

I like your posts too. Much in the same vein.

 

We seem to keep ending up on the same threads where some idiot is rattling off and that seems to draw a pack of them.

[Art_Critic]

DOT .... do what you have to do.. even if you leave you can always come back at any time, that is the cool thing about this place