6 year LDR. Is it doomed?

[apple OR orange]

and all the above is one reason i didnt move to USA, loads of red tape

[BluEyeL]

and all the above is one reason i didnt move to USA, loads of red tape

I came to the US in 1999 and got citizenship December 2010. So it took 11 years. At least i can brag that I was a keynote speaker at the citizenship ceremony

[LittleTiger]

She wants to wait for me. And I really want to be with her too.

 

Should I just break up on good terms? If we decide to get back together in 6 years, is it ever going to be the same, knowing that both of us have slept with other people? Maybe it's not meant to be? Should I just get over it and move on? Maybe there's going to be somebody else like that in the US, right?

 

I'm confused!

 

In one sentence you say you "really want to be with her" and in the next you say "should I just break up on good terms?".

 

If you think there's a possibility that "there's going to be somebody else like that in the US", this relationship doesn't stand a chance.

 

You are talking about the possibility of moving to the US permanently, not just a temporary job. You say your girlfriend can't afford it. What if she can't ever afford it? Is she prepared to consider the possibility of emigrating to the US herself? Would you consider supporting her so she can move to be with you? I don't think you've really thought this through.

 

For a LDR to work, especially for a long period of time, you both have to be 100% committed to each other and your future. You aren't 100% committed, even if she is, so I would say end it and just move on.

[joebroz]

Sorry for not making myself very clear. I am 20 and I'm offered an opportunity of a lifetime. I used to be one of the top professional gamers a few years ago, and since 2012 I've been a high level manager in the company where I started. I'm already making $60 000, and I've been promised $80 for the same position once I get there. That's A LOT of money for someone my age without a degree, right?

 

She can't come with me because she is in college and we haven't even lived together yet. She still lives with her parents. We would have to get married for her to come, and even if I support her financially, her parents would most likely never let her go.

 

I either have to give up my job and move in with her, or she has to marry me and come with a spouse VISA, against her parents' will.

 

I think I know the answer I'm looking for and maybe I just need an easy way out.

[mammasita]

My opinion is that a 6 year LDR will never last. 1 year, maybe 2. Perhaps you should discuss a plan to have her join you in a couple years. That's enough time for her to get herself and money together....and not too long to survive an LDR.

[lost.girl]

So you give up your dream job and stay there, sure your together but guess what you resent her. Maybe only unconciously you do, but it will eat at you and most likely break you up.

 

Don't give up your dream and a brighter future than you as you said you could otherwise have living in a declining country. If she follows you there then so be it. She can attend school here in the states, takes 4 years to get a degree here. If she "loves" you like she says why wouldnt she follow? Schools are everywhere.

[justwhoiam]

Hi Joe,

 

So your thread's been moved to the LDR section.

 

Just for fun, please read this article: Three Approaches to Life and How They Influence Your Career - Information Management Online Article

 

Now, I think there are several things to be considered.

 

1) Your girlfriend's approach to life

Is she the kind who can adapt herself to a new environment? Can she take a challenge? Is she easy-going? How does she manage stress? Can she smile at things easily?

 

2) Your girlfriend's role and views

She's young, no doubt. But does she feel more like a daughter than a partner? Can she take a clear stand on an issue? Can she be by your side? Is she the kind who would never contravene a family rule or tradition/traditional practice?

 

3) Commitment

You mentioned you're not sure you'd be faithful, if you're going to be far away from her for a long time. With long distance, you'll put your relationship to test. Life is a journey, and I'm sure you'd want someone to stay for a long time, if you wish to form a family. Testing your relationship is just wise. Commitment must be two-way to work of course, and essentially I think there are three types of commitment: natural, self-imposed and out of fear. Natural is when you don't even have to think about it, you don't think of other girls because you're so in love with her, and other girls are not an option. You generally don't risk being seduced by anyone. Self-imposed is when you see temptation around you, but decide not to go down that road through rational thinking, weighing pros and cons. Temptations are a step away and it can be frustrating. Out of fear is when she's threatened to leave, or you are psychologically scared about cheating or your hands are tied because you'd lose whatever you have (house, car, anything). You really want to do it but you need to force yourself not to. I would discard this in your case, as she's just a girlfriend and you're in love with her, so this surely can't apply. Ask yourself about your commitment so far. Was it natural or self-imposed? If it was the former, then you have good chances with a LDR. If it's the latter, I think you'll face commitment issues and will probably find someone else once in the US.

 

Now, the 3 points above are the basics to start with and to dwell upon.

 

If there's enough to start with, you then proceed thinking of a LDR.

 

For a LDR to work, you'll need to make time for proper communication. You'll need to call her, Skype, videochat, let her know you love her, etc.

Sharing is essential for a good outcome. Some trips back and forth too. You'd need to support her, because she doesn't have any money. If things are in balance, you can survive that. Never take her for granted: it's a luxury you can't usually afford in a LDR and you'd end up paying a heavy price for that.

[Els]

A few issues here:

 

1) Yes, you should follow your dream, regardless of whether your R works out or not. I hate to say this, but most Rs that start in your late teens don't work out for the long term. On the other hand, this is a pretty crucial and formative career move for you.

 

2) Please don't marry her just for immigration reasons. 20 is a little too young to be considering that.

 

3) IMO you should just go, and let the chips fall as they may. It doesn't HAVE to be 6 years apart. Once she has finished college (3 yrs?) there are other opportunities open to you. You may have saved up enough then to support her temporarily, you can go for a fiance visa, and if your R has survived the test of time and distance for a few years, you will be in a much better position to consider long-term plans together.

 

Even you are having an enormous amount of responsibility placed onto your shoulders by this company.

It's good they have seen the potential in you, but I sincerely hope there's a training period.....

 

The OP is fairly old as far as professional gamers go, IMO.

[TaraMaiden]

..........

The OP is fairly old as far as professional gamers go, IMO.

 

gamers, possibly - although as my H at over 50, is an avid gamer himself, I don't think his age is representative.... But it's the position they've given him that I was referring to, not his gaming ability.