Broke the two month barrier

[WreckedDan]

So little back ground here; the stbx no longer speaks with her mother because she has chosen her fruit loop father over her fruit loop mother. Her mother emailed me asking about my daughter's sizes so she could send clothes.

 

Today two boxes of clothes sowed up. I made sure my daughter called her grandmother to thank her. After my daughter.went back to her mother today I texted stbx to let her know some clothes had arrived... bring on the psycho! First she called.me to thanj me for having our daughtermake the thank you call. I replied "Of course, sorry I'm hella busy at work right now. Have to talk later" that was it. Little later comes.texts.saying how she though it was.bs that I was keeping clothes her mother had sent, when the stbx has a majority of the weekdays. I said, "If you want it take it, I'm nit keeping anything from anyone..." she asked if I would call her so I did. She sounded pleasant at first and I told her I was going to go through the clothes I cureently have as my daughter has grown out of quite a bit over the sunmer. (Keep in mind most of the clothes I have bought over this summer have ended up staying at her mither's place for some reason) Anyways.. she said school is starting soon and she would like to have some extras, I said sure no problem... then she.mentioned our daughter going to a new school where she lives... wtf! I knew I was about to flip out so I said we can talk later I'm busy at work.

 

Right now I am pissed! I had a suspicion she would try this behind my back... not sure what to do. I texted her saying we need to set up our apointment with the moderating Lawyer so I don't flip out over something. She said "Did you really think it would be fair for me to have to drive her all that way?" WTF?! Um, I seem to recall it was her who decided to move that far away.... so pissed just venting!

 

Oh, and the while time we having this convo, my awesome new girl is texting me sweet things.. I finally had to tell her "Sorry sweet luv, let me get back to you in a bit, my hackles are up and I don't want to snap at you for nothing." She totally understood and said a sweet good by... tonight is our one gauranteed night of the week together, I don't need the stbx bs right now! Rawr lol... getting heated sorry

 

Thanks for letting me vent, I knew something like this was bound to start happening soon,

Dan

[hayewils]

Hey Dan,

Reading your post here and I started thinking.

In your paperwork for divorce, does it state anything as far as where the child is living? Meaning, who is the primary parent who makes decisions concerning where your daughter goes to school?

I know nothing about Washington State laws but in Texas, the primary parent makes the decisions about where the child goes to school, which would be the school district you live in. It doesn't make sense that mom is deciding where your daughter will be going to school. Is mom primary?

It does suck in these situations that this happens. Especially the clothes, man o man, I remember my kids when they were little, I would buy clothes, grandparents buy clothes and everything wound up at moms and we never got anything back but the undersized, holey clothes that just needed to be thrown out or used as pledge furniture rags ..

So then, I would buy them more clothes to have here for them and it would happen all over again. this is almost something that will last for a while. it sucks..

[worldgonewrong]

I'm sorry about your mom's dog, WD.

But in a strange way, isn't it good to have your sorrow well-placed for a change?

I hope that makes sense, bro.

[Misadventure]

Dan, I am so very sorry about the dog. I know it's hard. That's a family member really. I am impressed you are doing so well withe everything. I hope to one day get to be happy.

[WreckedDan]

Strange days indeed,

 

Hay, we have only dissoulution oapers signed but can't afford to file then yet, naybe in three weeks... parenting plane/custody/child support goes into play once divorce is finalized and that paperwork has yet to be adressed. The plan is to get us both with my lawyer and her to moderate what is in my kiddo's best interest. The emotional issue I'm having with that is, I really don't want to end up seeing my kid only one day a week.. breaks my heart, but I work full time, and my schedule would make it seriously tough to be a full time single dad. As much as it would hurt me, I have to wonder if I need to let this happen for my little girl.

 

WGW and Miss, thanks, yeah that was a tough day. Second time in 8years that I've called into work. Drank myself silly and sat outside bawking all day.

 

So today... Last night I spent a great evening with... I need a better phrase than new girl.. withmy lady we actually talked quite a bit (and yeah, words have been scarce while we are in the same building) I learned more about her and she with me. I also learned she was concerned that I might rekindle with the ex so she was beibg cautious with her opening up with me. As soon as she said that I texted the ex saying: "Not to hurt your feelings, but I've foubd soneone I'm interested in. I am happy with the way things have turned out." Theb I told my lady, "As soon as she gets that text she will text back that she is happy for me"

. The next morning I had a text back saying: "I'm happy for you :)" showed my lady the text

 

So now, I'm at work and for some reason I am feeling a touch of sorrow... can't pinpoint where it's coming from, as there are a few things going on all at once... seems to me I should just be feeling relaxed and pleased. Guess maybe it's just part of the rollercoaster?

 

Thanks guys,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

WTF?

 

Cried today lol, what the hell is wrong with me?

 

Hit me that I will likely have to cave to the ex and let her have the kiddo almost full time. Broke my freakin heart to think I will only get her like 1 day a week. Why does it feel like she made a effed up decision and I get to pay for it?

 

Feel numb even to the good stuff today,

Bleh,

Dan

[hayewils]

Hey Dan,

I know its tough in this situation. When kids are involved it just adds to the frustrations. Especially like you said, the ex made a decision and the heartbroken one gets to suffer more over it. As everything else, it also becomes easier. You still have a phone number, you will still be able to talk. Although i know it doesnt take from the heartache of being able to see your creation daily.

This to will ease.

 

Hold strong,

Scott

[debtman]

Dan,

 

I know how you feel. My STBX ended up moving 30 minutes away so she could be close to her bf (at the time, they broke up a few months after she moved), switched schools with the kids, and made it more driving for me to have time with them. I was crushed...

 

Turns out, it's fine. I still get my kids 2 days/week and every other weekend (Fri. night-Mon. morning). I pick them up after work, take them home, make dinner and have maybe an hour before it's time for bed. But, every minute counts. I put about 4,000 miles on my car each month but we have fun during that driving time too. We catch up, talk, play car games, etc.

 

There's no way to get the time with your daughter back. Yes, your ex took that time from you. All you can do is make the most with the time you have.

 

Don't forget, you ARE still on the roller coaster. You lucked out that you found someone who can be there with you, but the emotional ride isn't over. The "reality" of the situation and all the changes will hit you hard from time to time. Try to recognize it for what it is and don't let it direct your actions. You're doing great, keep working on yourself, focus on your daughter and try to apply any lessons you learned in your last relationship into the new one...

 

Good luck and keep posting!

 

Blue skies...

[WreckedDan]

Minor surgery today, sitting at home more alone than ever. Miss my daughter right now. Not used to being alone when I'm not well. Guess it's just something I have to deal with. Think it would be easier if I weren't in constant pain right now.

 

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Awesome..

 

Just texted the ex that I was missing the kiddo right now..

 

Her reply "Yet you have time for yourself, see not the same is it? I know how you feel."

 

My response was, "Guess you sure put me in my place. Guess the only difference is that I never chose this. Have a nice day."

 

She knows the only reason my daughter isn't with me right now is because I just had surgery. Otherwise I would have had her with me every day I could during my vacation.

 

Want that bitch out of my life so bad.

 

Hurt and buzzed,

Dan

[debtman]

WD,

 

Hardest part is time when you don't have the kids. The way I deal with that is to go do something, get active, meet up with friends, etc. I know that's hard to do as you recover.

 

That being said, don't let the recovery, pain (painkillers) and being alone impact your decision making.

 

Doesn't hurt to let her know you miss the kids, but don't let her draw you into animosity. Probably didn't make things any easier with your reply to her (no matter how satisfied it may have made you feel at the time). The little "gotcha" back to her won't do you any good next time you want to swap days with her, keep your daughter an extra night, etc.

 

I know you want her out of your life, believe me. Would love nothing more, BUT she's not. You've GOT to deal with her for many more years. I've let SO many snarky comments and poorly worded things go that my ex has said to me. Don't get me wrong, I get in the car and cut loose, or call my new girl and tell her what sort of crazy sh@! my ex just said, but I don't ever let my ex know that it bothers me, that she's impacting me at all...and that pays off in spades when I ask if I can take the kids an extra day so they can go to one of their cousins birthday parties (happening this weekend).

 

Anyway, take it easy and recover quickly. Don't get too down, remember, you're still on the roller coaster, the ride isn't over yet. During the downs, remember, there will be more ups. And, keep doing what you're doing and things will only get better and better.

 

Good luck and keep posting!

 

Blue skies...

[Misadventure]

Minor surgery today, sitting at home more alone than ever. Miss my daughter right now. Not used to being alone when I'm not well. Guess it's just something I have to deal with. Think it would be easier if I weren't in constant pain right now.

 

Dan

 

I am sorry, are you ok?

 

You will get to see your daughter soon, if not already. Don't let this darken all the wonderful things that you are and have come through. Reading your posts and your progress and your strength has really given me strength.

 

We are all on that d@mn roller coaster, someday we need to just blow it up!

[WreckedDan]

Thanks guys for the replies!

 

Yeah, I'm good. When I went in for my procedure I didn't actually think they were doing it that day.. surprise! And DM no painkillers weee... but I'm at about 85% and by tomorrow I'll be ship shape. At least I better be as I will be drinving for three hours with my lady to a camping night and a big concert the next day

 

DM you are right, she just caught me in a moment of weakness, was laying on the couch in pain realizing I was going to become a 1 day a week dad and hating the situation.

 

Pretty major dip in the coaster, but every time it happens I find these motivational words seemingly at random that kick my ass back to where I should be. The last one I found said: "Remember that person you thought you couldn't live without? Well, look at you, living and sh*t" made me laugh.

 

Mis, it makes me very happy to be able to be motivational to you! You are crusing along at an even better clip than I was (by far) so I know you will come out smelling like roses! Just don't lose any momentum!

 

Thanks LS,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

So I sorta got two days to recover from the procedure. Then had the best weekend I can remember! Long beautiful drive to eastern Washington. The weather was 85-90 the whole time. Saw Black Sabbath at the greatest outdoor venue with my lady. Took tons of pics and posted them on Facebook, first time we've openly posted about us. Got tons of positive feedback =) Got home late morning today, napped and went and picked up the kiddo, then spent the rest of the afternoon/evening with her. Life is freakin good!

 

Only bad thing now, is that my daughter goes back to school in about a week and once that happens I will only be able to see her one day out of the week. That and I think I may have over done it a bit on the weekend, gonna have to take it easy for a few days to re-recover =) Totally worth it!

 

Loves LS,

Dan

[worldgonewrong]

Glad you're on the mend, WD, and having good times again!!!

[debtman]

WD,

 

Excellent! Good for you and glad your weekend went so well. I did as well, and just makes me want to reassure people on here that things can get so much better.

 

I remember how bleak things seemed those first 6-8 months for me. So hurt that I didn't think I'd ever be able to love/trust someone else again. Felt the pain would never go away.

 

Now, almost 3 years later I went to a wedding with my girlfriend on Saturday and found myself (when I wasn't on the dance floor with her) standing and watching her dance while thinking about how in love I am, how amazing she is and how lucky I am that my ex cheated on me and her ex cheated on her.

 

I thought my ex and I were soul-mates, perfect for each other. My gf and I connect in ways my ex and I never did, in ways I didn't think possible and had never even considered.

 

So, to everyone out there that feels like everything has fallen apart and things won't get better...they will. You'll be surprised how much better. And you'll be able to look back and see all the lessons you learned about yourself, about relationships, about making things work and you'll find yourself a better person, a better partner and (for me at least) a better parent.

 

Good luck and keep posting!

 

Blue skies...

[WreckedDan]

Wondering if I should start a thread in the dating advice area now lol

 

So last night I was out with my lady dropping off her sister and I got my night time goodnight call from my daughter. My lady shouted "Hi A!" And of course my girl said hi back, no biggy the call was short all was fine. Today I get a call from the ex all sad like asking that when those call occur to not involve my lady. She said how would you feel if Chris said that.. I said I could care less but I understood how she felt. So I'm an open and honest guy, I told my lady about the call and she flipped... wtf I seriously don't get women. She was pissed that I "Didn't have her back" or something. Little confused..

 

Huh?

Dan

[Moniq]

Your wife is Jealous. That's all. There was no reason for that.

[Steen719]

Does your girlfriend have kids?

[WreckedDan]

No she doesn't, I assume that due to that fact there is a small lack of understanding there. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope a bit, trying to balance being a good dad, getting through this process without bloodshed, and moving forward and learning all about this new person in my life. 13 years of knowing someone, and now learning how to communicate with someone new that is way different in many ways is tricky, fun, but tricky...

 

Dan

[Steen719]

I don't know if this translates to your situation, but I have found through my life that my friends with no children have fairly limited insight into parent's relationships with their children and how your child can be THE most important aspect of your life and you will fight for their happiness. Whew..one long sentence!

 

Dan, I have been reading about your progress and I'm glad you are feeling better. I have wanted to say this to you, but did not want to rain on your parade. Be careful...you are in that new relationship stage and it is harder to see the things that might be troublesome down the road. Your gf not having children might impact your relationship and this recent little glitch is just one little indication. Not that all relationships don't have issues, but kids can be such a sticking point. If ever put to a decision about who is "more important", then man, oh man, can issues arise. It is hard when both have kids, but at least you can basically understand the other person's basic, innate feelings about their children and if they don't have that, who wants them, anyway?

 

My 22, almost 23 yr old son recently told his dad that for at least one year, he basically felt abandoned by him. Dad was pretty excited about his brand new shiny love until the new wore off and they were not compatible. Meanwhile, his son grieved that loss and still does. My 6'2", 200lb+ son crying for how he felt about that just about did me in. I know you are a good dad and you miss your daughter, spend any time you can with her, etc., so I am not saying this will happen to you...NOT at all, Dan. I just wanted to point out this obvious point! LOL:laugh:

[WreckedDan]

Steen, thanks for your insight.

 

I have been pretty upfront right from the start that nothing will ever comebefore my daughter. Also I make time for my lady based around my schedule with my kiddo never the other way around. Honestly I've been taking things with this relationship super slowly compared to my ?usual? ways... strange to think of them as usual when I haven't been single in so long lol. We have been... dating? For about two months now and we are really just getting to the "feelings" part. I think we are both wary of diving in head first. We are having a lot of fun but schedules and such don't let us spend more than maybe two days a week together. This camping trip was sort of a big deal for us as it was just is for about 3 days and it was "bliss" to use her words.

 

I know there will be bumps, hell I don't mind them, they are new and exciting. My kid will cone first in all thinga but with school coming up, things will go through another big change for me. We shall see where this takes me. Wednesday morning the ex and I have an appt for the lawyer to set up custody etc.. wish me luck.

 

Thanks LS,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

So here we are, last day of summer with my daughter. She wanted to go camping so I set up the tent in the yard and we are sleeping out there. She is loving it, and all I can feel is this strange sense of terror. It's like I have forgotten something. While I have been on top of life lately, ot just hit me that for the first time I will truely be alone... the one person responcible for the outcome of my life. Also, am I making the right call by letting go of my kid, letting her mom be the primary guardian... this is terror most deep. I can actually say I am scared to make the wrong call because long term this will effect my darling child and I don't know what to do... I'm in freaking tears..

 

Dan

[debtman]

I hear you Dan...once I realized that my ex was going to legally be the "primary" guardian, I had all sorts of fears and reservations. Remember, as a parent, you are protected by law. There are LOTS of things she can't do (move away, prevent visits, change schedules, etc.) without your specific permission. And, you will ALWAYS be your daughter's only father, no matter what happens with you and your stbx.

 

The key is to keep things civil (even friendly) with your stbx. That's gone SOOO far for me that it makes me REALLY appreciate all the bs I put up with at the beginning of the divorce, through the affair, etc. It made all the tongue biting that I did worth every second.

 

Not only are you doing the right thing, you're really doing the only thing you can. Sure, you could get a lawyer, take her to court, sue her for custody, etc. but you'd probably lose, make her very angry and waste a lot of money.

 

Oh, and as far as being "alone" it has it's advantages. I treasure my time to myself almost as much as I treasure my time with my kids and my time with the new gf.

 

Stay strong, focus on your daughter and yourself. Enjoy the time with the new person in your life.

 

Life is an amazing thing...

 

Good luck and keep posting,

 

Blue skies...

[Amazingpiggy]

Good luck to you.

I also endured the ride for abt 1 yr. and still riding it.

Especially when my daughter is not with me.