Broke the two month barrier

[revitup]

Wondering if I should start a thread in the dating advice area now lol

 

So last night I was out with my lady dropping off her sister and I got my night time goodnight call from my daughter. My lady shouted "Hi A!" And of course my girl said hi back, no biggy the call was short all was fine. Today I get a call from the ex all sad like asking that when those call occur to not involve my lady. She said how would you feel if Chris said that.. I said I could care less but I understood how she felt. So I'm an open and honest guy, I told my lady about the call and she flipped... wtf I seriously don't get women. She was pissed that I "Didn't have her back" or something. Little confused..

Huh?

Dan

 

Brother-you should tread lightly here.Your "lady friend" has a point here.I really do see her point.Not really a big deal for a man...but for a woman who is watching you on the phone with his STBXW-who also cheats!!! Wow that will cause a hormonal situation you do not need.

 

I say dance withe the one that brung you-your lady friend.The X will get over it somehow I imagine.

 

REVITUP

[WreckedDan]

Thanks guys,

 

I feel a little better today. Dropped off the kiddo and just going to have to learn to live with it. I'm going to try to just plan work leave around the school scheduled vacations and have her primarily during those periods. Thanks DM for your supportive comment.

 

Rev,

Me and my lady are all good now, but to clear things up, I was on the phone with my kid not my ex. Never was I talking to the ex infront of her. I relayed (poorly) the conversation afterwards because I thought it was funny. I in no way asked her to stop saying hi to my kiddo or anything like that.

 

So.. have to bring this up, cause we both laughed so hard. Took the kiddo and lady to the lake for some swimming. After we went back to my place and jumped on the trampoline for a while then broke out a carton of ice cream and three spoons. What a great day! While we were sitting there, my daughter pipes up with "You guys need to get enganged" laughterensues. Then I asked her why she thought that, she said "So we can win the battle". Oh my. I tikd her we don't have to get enganged, there is no battle and if there was we were already winning. To which she replied, "You win when you put a ring on her finger!" Much laughter, great day.

 

Moving forward,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Double post today...

 

First, I spent two hours.with th lawyer tiday and the stbx didn't bother to show up, but.was able to get all the nessessary paperwork filled out and awaiting signatures yay!

 

Second, today being Thursday, my lady.and I spent a wonderful evening together and... wait fir it... the L word was dropped, by both of us and yeah it wasnt Lesbians... (for you Scott Pilgrim fans)

 

 

Little buzzed and blissful,

Dan

[hayewils]

Double post today...

 

First, I spent two hours.with th lawyer tiday and the stbx didn't bother to show up, but.was able to get all the nessessary paperwork filled out and awaiting signatures yay!

 

Second, today being Thursday, my lady.and I spent a wonderful evening together and... wait fir it... the L word was dropped, by both of us and yeah it wasnt Lesbians... (for you Scott Pilgrim fans)

 

 

Little buzzed and blissful,

Dan

L word?!

Congratultions Dan!

Im gonna say something you have not already heard or that you do t know yourself..

Your a bigboy,

Just be careful..

[WreckedDan]

Hey Hay,

Yeah the "L word" comment was sort of an inside joke... I was drinking, there is no excuse

 

I need more clarification... I'm not 100% sure about "be careful". Either I am super reckless and I am missing something here, or I am already being really carefull and running off my uber insticts.

 

I have been seeing this lady over two months. I have known her as an aquaintance for almost 2 years. When we started dating, she was well aware of my situation, which at the time was still a balancing act. We started as a purely light hearted do what ever we want no strings attached. It has evolved from that as we both have found we have tons of common interests and really enjoy spending time with eachother. I have zero interest in ever reconciling with the ex, my kiddo still comes first anf always will, which is completely understood. We aren't looking at moving in together, neither of us have interest in being more than girl/boyfriend, so I'm not rushing headlong into something... what is it I should be affraid of?

 

Curious,

Dan

[debtman]

WD,

 

Not trying to speak for anyone else, but, I think the warning is to just be careful about jumping into anything too deep or too quick.

 

Love is a crazy thing and is it's own emotional roller coaster and you're still on one from your break-up, so riding two roller coasters at the same time can be confusing for everyone on board.

 

I waited for 6 monts after my break-up to start dating and found myself withholding my emotions during the first few "relationships" I got into. I've been dating my girlfriend for 8 months, and we recently went through the "L" word exchange and it was bizarre how cautious/scared I was about it. Just didn't want to open myself up to the sort of pain that my ex caused me.

 

Anyway, I felt that the time I took worked for me and I feel that I'm able to open up emotionally to my gf without making knee-jerk reactions based on the roller coaster that I had been on.

 

But, different people deal with things different ways and take different amounts of time to deal with different issues.

 

All I'm saying (and maybe others) is to be careful about getting too serious while you're still dealing with issues from your past relationship. You may find yourself a year down the road in a relationship that "replaced" the one you were pushed out. You know, the rebound thing.

 

Or, who knows, you may find yourself a year down the road in an incredibly healthy, happy relationship with someone you connect with in a much deeper way than you ever did with your ex...I'm hoping for that one for both of us.

 

Good luck and keep posting!!

 

Blue skies...

[Misadventure]

WD, just be happy. You are such a good person and deserve lots of rolls in the hay and happiness too. Just keep your heart guarded.. remember really you are still on the rebound too. You are a good fellow and I hope you are happy or on the road to it.

[WreckedDan]

DM and MisA,

Thanks for the replies!

 

Gonna summerise where I feel I'm at right now..

 

The ex- almost never talk to unless I have to. When we speak it's breif and to the point. I am realizing just how unhappy I was with her. I regularly had to explain to her what other people meant when they said just about anything, and vise versa I had to explain to other people what she was talking about.. keep in mind this isn't a language barrier, she was just that flakey... I am truely glad this is over and look forward to the finalization.

 

The kiddo- I know every parent thinks their kid is the most awesome child on the planet, but I can say with a great deal of confidence that my child has the strengths of both her parents and seemingly none of our short comings. I believe that is the one true benefit of raising a child in a stable marriage. However that has changed and I hope to still provide my beautiful daughter with anything and everything I can when and while I can. I know sadly that she would.much rather be in my custody, but logicly she will be better off with her mither during the school year primarily due to the fact that my ex will be available and my kiddo won't spend years in day care like I did growing up.

 

The Lady- She makes me smile, I make her smile. It's definitely the puppy love stage for us right now, but neither of us want to rush past that. We are taking our time to get to know one another and it's really smooth. I have always been a "leap before I look" type and maybe I still am, but she is way outside of my normal "type" and I'm learning about myself from this experience.

 

I understand that in most cases a wounded heart requires healing and strengthening before going into battle again.. my heart has been starving for a long time and when it got kicked it was like being an abused dog getting kicked by a terrible owner.. hurt, confused, and loving unconditionaly.. after about 3 months I started realizing that in some ways I had been waisting away before it even ended. At that point I started becoming aware of the ME I had lost. I started feeding myself (not food) and waking up to the reality I had been blinding myself to for a long time. Then, out of no where, I woke up, I found that a lot of people in my life that I thought were just satalites were really interested in being a part of me, as freinds, and in many cases as much more. No joke, at one point I could have closed my eyes and spun around and jist picked someone to hang out with. But I didn't, I chose the challenge, I chose the one person that I know will make me see myself and others in a new light. In the past I always played it safe, always chose who people would expect me to choose. Not this time! Now I choose for me!

 

Wow, that got long winded...

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Dang, sorry, was that a rant? LOL

 

Thanks for lookin out for me guys,

Dan

[worldgonewrong]

WD- your realizations/ your pure moments of happiness/ your waking-up -- these things practically put tears of joy in my eyes to read. I'm really happy for you!

Keep focusing on good things/thoughts, and giving good vibes, and things like this will keep on rolling along, despite whatever roadbumps might occur at times.

So awesome.

[hayewils]

I just wAnt seattle to whip the ever loving god outta the 49 ers!

Go seahawks!

[WreckedDan]

Wish granted in spades! I was up against someone who had Wilson on their FFteam so happy he sucked but the Hawks crushed!

 

Had the kiddo today, lady tomorrow.. life is good

 

Dan

[secondfailure]

Wreced Dan... Man your post have made think about a lot of things. I am all over the place right now emotionally... This will be my second divorce in less thanb 10 years. I have finally decided to go to counseling to see what it is about me where I cant keep a wife.Thank God we dont have kids so we have no contact. I have been separated for almost a month now. 1st wek she moved out I thought about just ending it all on my motorcycle. But I thought about my two daughts and how much they need me and I need them.. My STBXW has told me to move on and date other people because she is.. She told me that this past Friday as we met to severe bank acccounts and to sign the ded over to me and I signed the titles to her car for her. Our marriage was dooned from the start now that I sit back and think. I nver addressed the issues from my first marraiage and I though she was one I could marry. I take full responsibility for my part as to why it failed...

 

This past weekend I went out on a date with someone I have known for years. SWhe knows my situation...We went to a friends house to watch the Mayweather fight. Afterwards we went to her house and I am sorry.. I releved some stress if you get my drift. A small part of me felt bad but it was a relief. I know I am going a hundred miles an hour and this is nothing but a rebound thing because to e honest, if my wife wanted to come back, I would let her even thiough she has done some hurtful things to me lately.... Life is so hard... PLease tell me how to keep moving forward. I am so terrified of being alone. I am 41 and I feel like no one wants me.. Or will want an old man... Sounds childish I know but that is how I feel..

[debtman]

WD,

Stay focused and keep it up. Sounds like you're keeping yourself as grounded as possible (all things considered) and just enjoying the now. Best thing you can do.

 

secondfailure,

Sorry to hear things seem so bad, but remember, best thing to do when you're on that emotional roller coaster is to NOT make any big decisions. Especially if it involves "ending it all" Don't think that way, life is way to precious and, even though it hurts now, you have too many amazing things in your future that you would miss. Especially if you have kids, don't do that to them.

Sounds like you went right from your first bad marriage to your second and now you're trying to make yourself feel better by distracting yourself with another woman. Absolutely go to counseling. Just talking through everything can be a huge help to verbalize your issues and get an outside opinion.

If you're not happy with where YOU are and who YOU are, you can't be in a healthy relationship with someone else. Take 6 months, take a year, don't get involved with anyone, find out what makes YOU happy. Do what makes YOU feel good about yourself. Get healthy, work out, explore new hobbies, make new friends, start doing things that you used to do that you enjoyed. That's what I did and it worked for me. Just throwing out ideas.

I was miserable when my ex told me it was over. Worst 6-8 months of my life. But, because of that, I'm happier now than I've ever been. I'm more fulfilled, less stressed, in a better relationship, closer to my kids and more positive than ever. Life is amazing.

You'll get there. Just remember, you're at the bottom right now, pick yourself up and WORK your way back up. Force yourself to make improvements. There will be BIG ups and downs. Ride them out. Use the anger and frustration to drive and motivate you.

Stay focused on what matters, ignore the petty stuff. Don't take your stbx back if she treated you bad and if you "knew it was doomed" There is someone better out there.

Oh, btw, I'm 42, and there are LOTS of opportunities out there for "old men" like us. Once I decided to start dating again I found WAY more opportunities than I've ever had before. That will come when you get to it. Don't rush it though. Spend some time being "alone" figure out what YOU can do to make YOU happy with who YOU are, then you can think about bringing someone else into your happy, full, balanced life.

Good luck and keep posting (this site can really help, trust me)

Blue skies...

[WreckedDan]

Wow 2nd.. sorry yer crushed right now

 

First, it is quite obvious that you are not unwanted as you were able to have a fling.. and good for you for being honest about your situation with her. Don't feel bad about it, no reason to. Right now I would suggest not trying to find these answers. You are not really capable of looking at your self with an open mind. You're messed up and hurt right now so that is all you will see. Be patient. Good job on not offing yourself, I know how tempting that is when your brain chemistry gets all scrambled. Ride the tsunamis, keep your head above water long enough for things to calm down. Your brain is going into panic mode. When this all went down for me it was like a couple weeks before my 40th birthday. I felt doomed! Old man, 13 years with someone who deemed me unworthy of being with...

 

Now I'm still 40 but my 26yr old girl friend is waiting for me at her place to make me dinner and wreck some furnature... it WILL get better for you, you just have to let it. Don't be affraid to see an MD to get something to take the edge off on the bad days, that helped me a lot!

 

I had a rough morning today, but after my reply... don't care

 

Dan

[secondfailure]

WD and Debt man.. I just cant go to the depths I was after my divorce the 1st time so I just try and do things to keep my mind off of what is going on now,,, I had no intentions of that happening. I will admit I had anger issues in my mariage becasue she stopped beimng a wife and I had ot do everything (cooking, cleaning, outside chjores, disciplining the kids)... It became too much and I yelled and screamed a lot. My temper got bad and I she said she didnt feel safe around me. I think back and say the problems we had can be fixed but it takes two people.. But I must keep moving forward without her. My counselor told me that we both had issues that needed to be worked out but I cant worry about her part as to why it failed.. I just cant stand being alone....

[WreckedDan]

Yeah, alone sucks.. still does. It's the one thing that has been tough to ignore. That part of me really wants to move in with my GF... eeep. Lucky for me neither of us really want to mve that fast so sometimes it helps to have walls

 

Dan

[debtman]

Absolutely, alone is TOUGH...at first. Remember, you've been with someone for YEARS and have gotten used to it. It took me about 4-6 months of working on myself before I started to actually enjoy my alone time and now, even spreading my time out between my kids and my gf, I try to give myself at least 2-3 alone nights each week. I get so much done, get to do things that I enjoy and that pique my interest and recharge.

Anger can be a huge obstacle in a relationship and it can be SO hard to deal with when someone is pushing your buttons, not doing their "share" and not happy. Part of spending time by myself was figuring out how to deal with the frustration and anger that was initially directed at my ex. I found lots of healthy alternatives and now, when I get frustrated with work, the kids, friends, etc. I know how to release that frustration so I don't do something I may regret later.

If I hadn't spent that time on myself, I might not have the "friendly" relationship I have with my ex and wouldn't be able to do things like switch weekends, trade days during the week, etc.

Just focus on yourself, take it one day (hour/minute) at a time and realize that things will only get better.

Good luck and keep posting...

Blue skies!

[secondfailure]

Dude, this forum has been such a God send. And my friends..... Its just this process takes years off of your life.. Another thing that statys in my head is all my froiends tell me that she will reaize what a huge mistaje she is making. But the last time I talked ot her, she told me she is moving on and not looking back. I guess that was a front??? Why am I still worried about her????? sigh......

[WreckedDan]

So.. I just had a moment.. watching old episodes of a show that is about to start a new season soon, and the Christmas episode played... whoa, just watching that crushed me. Gotta be honest, not sure how well I'm gonna hold up when that comes around. The last 13 of them have been with the same person. The last 8 have been with the same two people. Now... I will have neither.. likely work through the hollidays.

 

Meh.. guess we'll see,

Dan

[Oberfeldwebel]

WD, the holidays can be very tough. Every one around you is high on life, so it makes your lows seem even lower. You just got to know these things will happen and learn to deal with the depression. You have had traditions and celebrations that you have done for years. This is a new beginning, the year of the Dan! Plan and start your own celebrations, the holidays is full of events, plan something for every week of December. Your daughter will help you as she will feed off of your excitement for the next event. Shake it up and do fun events such as skating and also religious events to understand the reason for the season. Also look to do things for others (homeless shelters, nursing homes, angel tree gifts). This only has to be depressing if you let it get to you. You created the old traditions, now is time to make new one. Life if what you make of it my friend.

[Mr. Lucky]

The last 13 of them have been with the same person. The last 8 have been with the same two people. Now... I will have neither.. likely work through the hollidays.

 

Meh.. guess we'll see,

Dan

You created the old traditions, now is time to make new one. Life if what you make of it my friend.

Great advice. Every year after my divorce, my son and I went to Hawaii on Thanksgiving. Others were carving turkeys, we were doin' it luau style. To this day (he's in his 30's now) he still talks about how much fun it was.

 

You don't have to go that far but can certainly do something unique and outside the normal comfort zone with your kids around the holidays. Hard to see now but you'll be surprised at how quickly it becomes the new normal...

 

Mr. Lucky

[WreckedDan]

Thanks guys for the supportive words. Having a tough day today. So stupid, it's Thursday, my day to be with my lady after work.. I should be amped! Instead I was woken early by a text from the ex. She is looking over the paperwork and had questions. Her family has her convinced I'm gonna try to screw her over or something. So since I was up hours before I.needed to be I watched another episode of my show and a mom had to tell her kid she was dieing... hit me pretty hard. Vibrant reminders of losing my mom. Got a text from my lady right after and told her I was bothered and she called me. She talked.about her day as she had in iterview for a new job. Feeling a little down and don't want to spread that to the people around me I guess. Just hope it wears off before I get off work.

 

Sigh,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Filed. 3 month count down begins.

[WreckedDan]

Hmm.. kinda numb to it.. waiting for feeling to happen, but nada.. spent the night before with my lady, woke up and had a nice morning. Went to the courthouse solo, turned in the paperwork. Left there and spent a few more hours with my lady before she went to work. Was sorta lovely actually Now, I have all the final paperwork that needs to be signed before the 90 days is up and a parenting class to go to between now and then.

 

Guess we'll see,

Dan