An update

[Lostint]

I've been lurking on this forum all week as I've been feeling really sad again. I know there's nothing anyone can do to help but a problem shared is a problem halved, maybe someone will have some words of wisdom to help.

 

This process seems to be so cyclical - you take a couple of steps forward but then another step back. Its been nearly six months since our breakup and I feel like such a loser for not being over it yet. I've had many days of feeling much better, waking up feeling optimistic and excited about the day ahead (which is a huge step forward from six months ago) and even feeling JOY again.

 

But I'm sad to say I still want my ex back. Nothing seems to be changing that. I really feel like I cut off my nose to spite my face with this one - since I did the breaking up, thinking that the depression I was in was caused by the relationship. I went home and cried my heart out afterwards, which I should have realised was a sign of how much I cared for him.

 

At the same time as wanting him back, I know that I'm not better yet. I'm still having weeks like this one where I feel really low, and really crap about myself. I know that i need to work through these issues with my counsellor and get back to being stable. I just wish I could hurry the process up, I'm sick of feeling this way already, and in weeks like this it feels like I'm making no progress.

 

So I feel like I'm in a holding position, just flying round and round. Not doing anything about the situation with my ex because I feel like as long as I want to do something about it, that's a sign that I'm not ready. I know that if i talked to him now it would come across as pleading and begging. I know the only possible to win him back is by starting from scratch, getting to know each other again and building attraction again. I guess it's just a catch-22: as long as I still have feelings for him I can't trust myself to go anywhere near him. I dearly wish that we could have worked on this stuff while we were still in a relationship - I really wish I had opened up and told him what a hard time I was going through. Instead I pushed away the only person close to me when I was going through one of the worst periods in my life. And once you've broken up, that's it, you don't get any more chances, you've lost all the rights you once had to that person.

[BustedUpInside]

That is a really tough position to be in. Has he been maintaining No Contact on his end or would you be able to discuss these things with him? I am sure if you told him your feelings and that you would like to discuss working things out, he might surprise you with his answer.

 

My only advice would be that you have to be really serious about getting back together if you are going to talk to him about the relationship.

[Empty Heart]

I've been lurking on this forum all week as I've been feeling really sad again. I know there's nothing anyone can do to help but a problem shared is a problem halved, maybe someone will have some words of wisdom to help.

 

This process seems to be so cyclical - you take a couple of steps forward but then another step back. Its been nearly six months since our breakup and I feel like such a loser for not being over it yet. I've had many days of feeling much better, waking up feeling optimistic and excited about the day ahead (which is a huge step forward from six months ago) and even feeling JOY again.

 

But I'm sad to say I still want my ex back. Nothing seems to be changing that. I really feel like I cut off my nose to spite my face with this one - since I did the breaking up, thinking that the depression I was in was caused by the relationship. I went home and cried my heart out afterwards, which I should have realised was a sign of how much I cared for him.

 

At the same time as wanting him back, I know that I'm not better yet. I'm still having weeks like this one where I feel really low, and really crap about myself. I know that i need to work through these issues with my counsellor and get back to being stable. I just wish I could hurry the process up, I'm sick of feeling this way already, and in weeks like this it feels like I'm making no progress.

 

So I feel like I'm in a holding position, just flying round and round. Not doing anything about the situation with my ex because I feel like as long as I want to do something about it, that's a sign that I'm not ready. I know that if i talked to him now it would come across as pleading and begging. I know the only possible to win him back is by starting from scratch, getting to know each other again and building attraction again. I guess it's just a catch-22: as long as I still have feelings for him I can't trust myself to go anywhere near him. I dearly wish that we could have worked on this stuff while we were still in a relationship - I really wish I had opened up and told him what a hard time I was going through. Instead I pushed away the only person close to me when I was going through one of the worst periods in my life. And once you've broken up, that's it, you don't get any more chances, you've lost all the rights you once had to that person.

 

 

Good God, I nearly choked reading this....I honestly thought it could be my other half; perhaps he had found this forum....then I read that your OH is a man, so clearly not. Your situation is a carbon copy of ours, except my OH is the one suffering from depression, who thought our relationship was the problem and has pushed us away. I feel so sad for you, for him....depression is a tough thing to deal with as rational thinking goes out the window. Are you taking medication? Do you have a support network? If you need an ear, I have a good understanding of depression and its destructive nature (I've lived through many episodes with my ex).

 

So sorry you are suffering in this way. I wish you continued recovery and success with a reconciliation.....never feel you can't reach out to your OH. If he's like me, you stay quiet so as not to pressurize the person dealing with depression....this can be perceived as 'moving on'. In my case I would have him back in a heartbeat.

[Lostint]

We went through a stage of no contact that was initiated by me. He knows that I would like to try again and has said no. I don't blame him for feeling that way. I destroyed his trust in me and pushed him away for months. I don't know whether he no longer has any feelings, or whether he just thinks that things were too difficult between us.

 

In the last couple of weeks we've been talking again. I couldn't bear the fact that we were becoming strangers, stepping around each other whenever we saw each other. At the moment we text occasionally, and he comes over to talk whenever we run into each other. This is an improvement at least, a couple of weeks ago he was outright ignoring me.

 

I don't want to say anything more to him just yet. I could try to explain to him what's going on, what I've been realizing about my behaviour through counselling. But I feel like it would come across as just trying to convince him, and that all it would achieve is to push him further away. I know that I still have a lot of work to do - I irrationally get very angry towards him still and feel that he abandoned me. Although the truth is that he was always there for me and I realise now that my feeling that way had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my past life experiences - my parents let me down really badly when I was younger, and I know it's childish to be blaming my parents for problems I'm having now but these things do stay with you and influence your behaviour. I think it has left me with some major trust issues - as soon as I get scared that someone is going to let me down I just start pulling away. So I know that I still have a whole lot of work to do before I'll be ready for a relationship again.

 

I'm just scared that by the time I get there, he'll be long gone.

[Lostint]

Good God, I nearly choked reading this....I honestly thought it could be my other half; perhaps he had found this forum....then I read that your OH is a man, so clearly not. Your situation is a carbon copy of ours, except my OH is the one suffering from depression, who thought our relationship was the problem and has pushed us away. I feel so sad for you, for him....depression is a tough thing to deal with as rational thinking goes out the window. Are you taking medication? Do you have a support network? If you need an ear, I have a good understanding of depression and its destructive nature (I've lived through many episodes with my ex).

 

So sorry you are suffering in this way. I wish you continued recovery and success with a reconciliation.....never feel you can't reach out to your OH. If he's like me, you stay quiet so as not to pressurize the person dealing with depression....this can be perceived as 'moving on'. In my case I would have him back in a heartbeat.

 

Thanks empty heart. The people on this forum always amaze me with their kindness. I'm sorry you were on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour. Looking back, I feel awful about how I treated my ex sometimes - there were times when he tried to get close to me and tell me how much he cared, and I very coldly pushed him, I guess because I didn't believe him. Now I realise how awful it must have been to be on the receiving end of that, and I'm amazed that he stuck with me for a year.

 

At this point I really doubt that he would take me back. He doesn't know the full extent of what's been going on, the depression etc. I don't want to tell him, because I feel like it would look like I'm begging/pleading/guilt-tripping him into getting back with me. I also just don't think I can take being rejected again!

[Lostint]

Also, I have not tried medication. I'm scared to, to be honest. I don't want to end up in some drug induced haze that makes me think I'm happy. I'd rather address the underlying cause of these feelings - from going to counselling it has become fairly clear that there is stuff I need to talk through, and it has really been helping. Ive had stretches of a couple of weeks where I feel much happier and much more alive. I guess I'm just having a bad week this week.

 

Thanks for your offer to lend an ear I'm lucky to have good friends who I've been opening up to more and more in the last few months. Part of my problem has been that lack of trust, thinking I have to deal with everything on my own. So opening up to my friends and letting them know about what's been going on has been part of the process of changing my behaviour.

 

If you ever want to talk about what's going on with your ex, I don't know, but I might be able to offer some insight.

[BustedUpInside]

Also, I have not tried medication. I'm scared to, to be honest. I don't want to end up in some drug induced haze that makes me think I'm happy. I'd rather address the underlying cause of these feelings - from going to counselling it has become fairly clear that there is stuff I need to talk through, and it has really been helping. Ive had stretches of a couple of weeks where I feel much happier and much more alive. I guess I'm just having a bad week this week.

 

Thanks for your offer to lend an ear I'm lucky to have good friends who I've been opening up to more and more in the last few months. Part of my problem has been that lack of trust, thinking I have to deal with everything on my own. So opening up to my friends and letting them know about what's been going on has been part of the process of changing my behaviour.

 

If you ever want to talk about what's going on with your ex, I don't know, but I might be able to offer some insight.

 

Don't be afraid of medication. Your therapist will know if it is right for you and you might actually feel a lot better.

 

As far as your ex, I am sorry that he isn't willing to work on getting back together. You will have to accept his answer for now. Knowing how you feel though, maybe he will change his mind if you give him some more time.

 

Just keep up No Contact and work on feeling better yourself. Whether or not you guys get back together, you definitely deserve to have a stable happy life.

[moneyneversleeps]

It will be really hard for the dumpee to ever trust you again once you have broken their heart.

It will take a lot of work on both parties and you will both need to really want it.

go out and have a fun time! Single life is great and you get to enjoy life to the highest degrees as you literally have no one to answer to and no rules!!

 

btw, out of curiosity have you been with anyone else since the breakup?

[Deerhunter]

Get to a dr and get on meds. I know several people that can't function properly without them. Its not a narcotic thats addictive and makes you do crazy things so don't worry about that.

Talk to your ex. You never know what he will say. At least you will know for sure.

[Lostint]

Don't be afraid of medication. Your therapist will know if it is right for you and you might actually feel a lot better.

 

As far as your ex, I am sorry that he isn't willing to work on getting back together. You will have to accept his answer for now. Knowing how you feel though, maybe he will change his mind if you give him some more time.

 

Just keep up No Contact and work on feeling better yourself. Whether or not you guys get back together, you definitely deserve to have a stable happy life.

 

Thanks bustedup. For the moment I feel like I'm getting better without medication. I had a bad week last week but I went to see my therapist on Friday evening and it helped a lot. Sometimes I leave two weeks between appointments and I think that's a bad idea - I'm going to see her once a week from now on. Over the weekend I've felt much better.

 

To reply to deerhunters question - no, I haven't been with anyone else since the split. I'm not in the mindset that my ex is the only one for me, I'll die without him etc etc. I know full well that there are other guys out there and sooner or later I'll meet someone I like. Actually I have met a couple of guys that I might like recently. If I'm honest though, I think I probably need to be on my own for a while longer. I'm still not the person that I want to be, I still go through weeks like last week where I just feel like crap about myself and think of myself as a complete loser and just want to hide from the world.

 

I have to admit, I do really miss the physical contact though! Maybe a fling is the answer?