Why wouldn't an ex want to keep a friendship

[kameron]

If a girl/guy breaks up with you, why wouldn't they want to keep a friendship. If the breakup wasn't your fault.

[CptSaveAho]

when you get fired from a job, even if it wasnt your fault

 

do you continue to go back to that job and working the next day or the next week?

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

Better question is: Why would you want them to? So they can tell you how great their new love is? The sex is better? The places they go together?

ESPECIALLY if the breakup wasn't your fault.

 

No Thanks.

[metal_chick]

If a girl/guy breaks up with you, why wouldn't they want to keep a friendship. If the breakup wasn't your fault.

 

Ok, I had to read the question a few times, but I think I've got it.

 

If someone dumps you, they don't want to spend time with you anymore. So why would they want to spend time with you as a friend?

 

Ultimately, dumping someone says "I no longer want to hang out, sleep with you, or make decisions with you any more. I want to do it with someone else."

 

Or they want to do it by themselves. Whatever.

 

What does a friendship with a person you no longer want to be in a relationship with, achieve?

[metal_chick]

when you get fired from a job, even if it wasnt your fault

 

do you continue to go back to that job and working the next day or the next week?

 

Good analogy.

[Leigh 87]

It goes deeper than these responses, although everyone is correct in what hey are saying.

 

The dumpers who do not want to be friends

 

-perhaps they WANT you in their life, yet they know it will not work because they WANT to move on from you. Hanging around you as a friend or even just texting or talking to you, will only stop them from moving on from you.

 

- they are doing the right thing if they know your still in love with them. Trust me, YOUR LUCKY if you have an ex like this! If they KNOW you still want to be with them, then they are smart enough and SELFESS enough to let you go.

 

Count yourself lucky if they dumper is more clear with their intentions and just cuts you out.

 

I am in the position where the person of my past WANTS to be best friends. It is hard to walk away from it, because you love them so much and you long to be around them even without a relationship.

 

In the end, them not wanting to be your friend is either them wanting to do the RIGHT thing by you, or they really just don't want to be around you, frankly.

 

In a lot of cases they do want to be around you, and it is up to YOU to cut them off in the end.

[Antares]

I actually take it as a compliment IF they don't ask for a friendship.

 

It means that they:

 

1. Could respect you enough not to string you along.

2. Know that you have feelings for them still and that's not very fair to ask for you for just a friendship.

3. Know that it wouldn't be a real friendship anyhow.

4. Still see you in a attractive sense - even though it's not clearly enough to continue the relationship - if they don't ask it means that THEY themselves couldn't or wouldn't be able to handle a downgrade to just friends either.

 

5. It also means that they really don't want you to be a part of their lives anymore. And vise versa.

 

The fifth one is really important. But I usually take it as a form of respect when they don't. It's healthier that way, for both parties.

[Leigh 87]

I actually take it as a compliment IF they don't ask for a friendship.

 

It means that they:

 

1. Could respect you enough not to string you along.

2. Know that you have feelings for them still and that's not very fair to ask for you for just a friendship.

3. Know that it wouldn't be a real friendship anyhow.

4. Still see you in a attractive sense - even though it's not clearly enough to continue the relationship - if they don't ask it means that THEY themselves couldn't or wouldn't be able to handle a downgrade to just friends either.

 

5. It also means that they really don't want you to be a part of their lives anymore. And vise versa.

 

The fifth one is really important. But I usually take it as a form of respect when they don't. It's healthier that way, for both parties.

 

 

 

 

Some do want you in their lives. A lot. They are simply too stupid to see that it will only end very badly.

[kameron]

This is all great advice. In my situation my ex knows my feelings for her are very strong. I believe this is why she doesn't want to be friends. I feel like the loser in this situation I did nothing wrong she just left me out of no where for her ex bf. and now I can't even have the friendship I deserve. How can someone be so cruel and live such a happy life with someone new while we are left miserable

[Antares]

This is all great advice. In my situation my ex knows my feelings for her are very strong. I believe this is why she doesn't want to be friends. I feel like the loser in this situation I did nothing wrong she just left me out of no where for her ex bf. and now I can't even have the friendship I deserve. How can someone be so cruel and live such a happy life with someone new while we are left miserable

 

I don't know your situation, but why would you want to be in a relationship, much less a friendship, with someone who you think is cruel.

 

Listen. If she went back to her ex, that's her choice. If she broke up with you in a bad way, then that reveals part of her personality. Why be with someone who would behave in that manner? You deserve more than a fake friendship with someone you believe is cruel to you.

 

Additionally; I think you shouldn't look at this as win vs. lose. Or Good Guy / Bad Girl. She's not evil. There's no villain in this story. She just broke up with you. That's her choice. She probably did so in bad way - as there's no real good way to break up with someone. It's not a fun thing to do. Even if she's having a great time with Ex, she's now happy. Would you rather have her stick it out with you, unhappily for months/years.. Dragging you along. Stringing you along, pretending that she loved you.. THAT would be cruel. She let you go. And now you're free.

[kameron]

The problem is she was happy with me that's not why she left me. I did nothing to make her end it. After 2 years she told me she doesn't love me anymore and that she misses her ex bf. as she left me she told me she had feelings for him all along, and she thought they would go away. She used me. She should have communicated with me that she still had feelings for her ex.

[metal_chick]

This is all great advice. In my situation my ex knows my feelings for her are very strong. I believe this is why she doesn't want to be friends. I feel like the loser in this situation I did nothing wrong she just left me out of no where for her ex bf. and now I can't even have the friendship I deserve. How can someone be so cruel and live such a happy life with someone new while we are left miserable

 

You're being a little selfish. Because you're miserable, she needs to be miserable?

 

You don't 'deserve' anything. Your entitlement complex is worrying. No on in this world owes you a damn thing. You don't want a friendship with her, you want her to be miserable, because you're miserable. Misery loves company.

 

She's not being cruel. Being cruel would be waving her relationship in front of your face, making you listen whilst she talks about her new bf, etc. What she's actually doing, is being kind. She's taking herself out of the equation.

 

You keep blaming her, but she's got nothing to be sorry for. She dumped you. That's not a crime. She wanted someone else. Also not a crime. And she's under no obligation to be miserable so that YOU feel better.

[kameron]

Actually she was extremely cruel to me. The day after she left me she tells me I'm going camping with her new bf in his trailer. She told me she is taking him to the concert I was supposed to go to. She also told me I was a huge mistake. I did nothing wrong to this girl. She was my best friend. I separated myself from everyone else because she was the only person I wanted to be around she. She also has no friends it was just her and I. That's y now that I don't have her the impact is so great

[aisuru]

*sigh*

 

I remember my first heartbreak. Kind of glad the internet didn't exist then.

 

I was so lost too.

 

It gets easier.

 

Are you really reading what we're saying? Go back in the old old threads on this section of the board. Read until your eyes are bloodshot. You will learn a lot.

 

I think it might help you.

 

It's hard.

 

You will never understand why.

 

At some point, you won't care to know why.

 

Because it won't matter.

[kameron]

This girl loved to be in control of everything. She let me have no say in anything and any chance I did speak up she took it as me being controlling. When in fact she was the controlling one in the relationship.

[Antares]

The problem is she was happy with me that's not why she left me. I did nothing to make her end it. After 2 years she told me she doesn't love me anymore and that she misses her ex bf. as she left me she told me she had feelings for him all along, and she thought they would go away. She used me. She should have communicated with me that she still had feelings for her ex.

 

Welp. Here's thing. Unless she IS the cruelest person on the planet, there's no way she'd spend 2 years of her life stringing you along. She didn't see you on on the street one day, say to herself..."Now there looks like a fellah that I can use for a couple of years". Unless she is in fact the worst person in the world.

 

But she's most likely not. She's probably just like a lot of other people out there who get confused by their emotions, who long after an Ex, even when it's not healthy. For the past 2 years she may not have really consciously known she had these strong feelings for her ex. No one spends 2 years with someone that they don't enjoy being with. She could have had a whole host of reasons for being with you. She may genuinely have wanted to move on with her life. To leave her Ex behind. But in the end, she wanted another chance with him.

 

And I'm not looking at this thru rose colored glasses. It's just not likely as black and white, good vs. evil that you're making it out to be.

 

She might have acted very cruelly in the end. Heck. Maybe she's crazy going back to the ex. It end once, it might not be the healthiest of relationships either. It happens all the time. And braking up with you came as a shock and you feel horrible.

 

But...you're now free. Free to find someone who does value you. Free to know the difference and to use the lessons you've now learned from this experience in all your future relationships.

[metal_chick]

Actually she was extremely cruel to me. The day after she left me she tells me I'm going camping with her new bf in his trailer. She told me she is taking him to the concert I was supposed to go to. She also told me I was a huge mistake. I did nothing wrong to this girl. She was my best friend. I separated myself from everyone else because she was the only person I wanted to be around she. She also has no friends it was just her and I. That's y now that I don't have her the impact is so great

 

YOU gave up your friends. That's on you. A rookie mistake. Never, ever, give up your friends for a partner. You must always maintain your own identity in a relationship. Your own friends, your own interests, time either alone or with your friends without your partner.

 

Again - your fault. Not hers.

[BustedUpInside]

Actually she was extremely cruel to me. The day after she left me she tells me I'm going camping with her new bf in his trailer. She told me she is taking him to the concert I was supposed to go to. She also told me I was a huge mistake. I did nothing wrong to this girl. She was my best friend. I separated myself from everyone else because she was the only person I wanted to be around she. She also has no friends it was just her and I. That's y now that I don't have her the impact is so great

 

Why would you want to be friends with someone who does mean stuff to you when you haven't done anything wrong?

 

The truth is that you don't want to be friends. You want her back. You think that by being friends and showing her how great you still are she will change her mind. That is not going to happen. She is not coming back. You have to accept this as a fact or you really are going to be unhappy for a very long time.

 

You are still pretty young, but you're not a teenager anymore. That means that you have to start making mature adult decisions and you can't just whine about how she had no reason to leave you and you don't understand. That is not productive. What is productive is just leaving it alone. At least for awhile. Let her do her thing and you move on.

 

Stop insisting that she didn't have any reason to leave you. Obviously, she felt differently. No matter whether you think that you guys were happy, she wasn't and decided to move on. By accepting that it doesn't matter if anyone was at fault, it only matters that it is over, you might be able to adjust more quickly.

 

Sorry to be hard on you, but I think it will be beneficial for you to think in a more adult way. This is only one of many tough situations you will find yourself in and learning good coping skills will be vital to having a happy life.

[kameron]

I think maybe she ended it because we spent every second together maybe she felt smothered, she never expressed this to me. Maybe she just needed a break from me idk. Hopefully this no contact will give her the space she needs

[metal_chick]

This girl loved to be in control of everything. She let me have no say in anything and any chance I did speak up she took it as me being controlling. When in fact she was the controlling one in the relationship.

 

Again - you enabled her. If you let someone control your life, they might not be a very nice person, but you're the one who let her.

 

In the end, when she broke things off, she told you the truth - she had feelings for her ex and that as it. Do you know how mnay people would love for their ex to tell the the TRUTH as to why they're breaking up with them? So many get fed nothing but lies. You should be grateful. She told you she was in love with her ex. It happens. But you got the truth, and she's not nurturing false hope by trying to be your friend.

 

You're crying 'Woe is me' when you should be thankful. You got more than a lot of people get when it comes to a break-up...

[Antares]

Actually she was extremely cruel to me. The day after she left me she tells me I'm going camping with her new bf in his trailer. She told me she is taking him to the concert I was supposed to go to. She also told me I was a huge mistake. I did nothing wrong to this girl. She was my best friend. I separated myself from everyone else because she was the only person I wanted to be around she. She also has no friends it was just her and I. That's y now that I don't have her the impact is so great

 

 

You gave up your friends? That's your mistake. Never do that again. You need to have your own life outside of your relationship. You're supposed to SHARE your lives with one another...not be each others life.

 

Second; You really need to get away from this winner/loser mentality. You may have not done anything wrong to end this relationship, but her ending has nothing to do with you doing something wrong. She can end the relationship for ANY reason she chooses. She's not shackled to your arm. She's not a prisoner. And this isn't the SATs, where there are right answers and wrong answers. She's a human being. You're a human being. Human beings do make mistakes. Some humans can be together. Some shouldn't. You and her...your relationship is over because she simply wants to be with someone else. It's not Math. It's not logic. It's emotion. She's not wrong for wanting happiness and love with someone she thinks can give her that.

[metal_chick]

I think maybe she ended it because we spent every second together maybe she felt smothered, she never expressed this to me. Maybe she just needed a break from me idk. Hopefully this no contact will give her the space she needs

 

Nope. You don't use NC to give your ex 'space'. You use it to move on. You're still thinking NC will manipulate her into coming back to you. We told you yesterday, not to do that...

[BustedUpInside]

I think maybe she ended it because we spent every second together maybe she felt smothered, she never expressed this to me. Maybe she just needed a break from me idk. Hopefully this no contact will give her the space she needs

 

No Contact isn't about her. It's about you. No Contact gives you the room to evaluate how you handled situations and try to fix things so that the next relationship won't have the same issues. No Contact only works if you go into it with the premise that you are never going to see, speak, text, email, telegraph, message bottle, smoke signal, carrier pigeon with that person ever again.

 

Until you accept and understand that the relationship is over and she doesn't just need space, but is gone for good, No Contact will be a hard road for you to walk.

[kameron]

This girl was my first true love. I know I was a great boyfriend to her. I proved it every day to her. It's not my fault she went into a relationship with me still having feelings for her ex. That was extremely selfish on her part. Never move into a new relationship If you still have feelings for someone else, it's not fair to the other person

[metal_chick]

This girl was my first true love. I know I was a great boyfriend to her. I proved it every day to her. It's not my fault she went into a relationship with me still having feelings for her ex. That was extremely selfish on her part. Never move into a new relationship If you still have feelings for someone else, it's not fair to the other person

 

It's not anybody's fault. Not yours, not hers. Sometimes you don't know you still have feelings for someone. Cut her some slack. You want to blame her. There's nobody to blame. In the end, she told you the truth. Stop painting her as a villain, because she isn't. No one is at fault for these things. Sometimes, love strikes at the most inopportune time. It's just the way we humans are wired. We are beautiful and messy and that's just what happens.