WB Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 <second time writing this. God how I despise Internet Explorer> It's been 15 months since she left me. She was my only love. I loved her more than anything in the world. I looked into her eyes and I saw our children. I stayed awake at night just watching her sleeping. But apparently she never loved me. Since the breakup, we talked a few times, mostly me trying to get her back. She pushed back, hard. She said all sorts of hurtful things. We stopped talking. Our contacts dwindled to an IM here and there. She wanted to be friends (don't they all, maybe it lessens the guilt). At first I tried to be friends, but it just prolonged my pain. In the end, I stopped answering her IMs. I'm sure she sensed my discomfort and stopped IM'ing. The last one was 4 months ago. I tried to move on, but I'm having little success. I got my life back together. I'm doing well at work. I dated someone else for a couple months. We had terrific times together and I really liked this new girl, but something held me back. In the end the new relationship went nowhere. People tell me I need closure. But what is closure? And how do I know when I see it? One thing I never understood was why she left me. For the first few months, I blamed myself. The thought of losing the love of my life because of my inadequacies tormented me to no end. In the last few months, I've been thinking a lot about what happened. I slowly realized why: I wanted us to discover life together, but she only wanted someone to give her a ready-made life. She had a tough childhood. She worked so extraordinarily hard to get to where she was (and that's why I love her so much). She was burnt out. She didn't want to try anymore. On top of that, she never completely trusted my love, and hence never trusted that I'd take care of her. She's been lied to too many times. She was afraid that I would eventually leave her, so better to be the one holding the knife instead of the one being stabbed. I thought that realization would get me closure. But it didn't. I still think of her countless times everyday. Sometimes I'm extremely angry and sometimes I'm filled with warmth. I still feel the pain sometimes, although I'm getting better at diverting my mind to not go to certain places. Each night she occupies my last thought and each morning my first. It really sucks. I want to move on. So if that isn't the closure, is there even a such thing?! Maybe I'm looking for something more than the answer to "why". Maybe I'm looking for confirmation of the answer. Maybe I'm wanting her approval and the search for closure is just a manifestation of the need to feel adequate. (I do have a tendency to please people, comes from growing up in foster homes). Maybe I need to be understood. I don't think she really knew me. She had no idea my childhood was actually tougher than hers. She had no idea the depth of pressure I was under at work. She had no idea of the painful recesses of my soul. I shielded all that from her. But those things made me reticent -- reticence she disliked. I thought of writing her, to tell her how I felt, not to get her back, but to finally catch that elusive closure. So I started composing a letter. Before I even opened MS Word, my heart started pounding. Afraid of picking open a scab, I made a quick u-turn. Does this mean I'm not ready? If not, how will I ever get that closure? And even if I do, would writing to her get me closure? Thanks for reading. I really appreciate any perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
seductress989 Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 You may not be ready for closure, if you think of her that often. If you want to know what she's up to, then start out very subtly. Send a causal IM or txt to her cell. Just a few words, nothing spectacular and see IF she responds. If she responds, keep the conversation friendly and don't ask too many questions. If she wants to tell you something, she will. If she doesn't respond, that should be closure in itself. That's telling you that she doesn't want to talk and that she's moved on. (in most cases) I wouldn't suggest a long, heartfelt letter to her. You have set your expectations too high and are bound to get hurt. Just contact her causally and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Think too much Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 I know exactly how you feel. I highly suggest writing a letter. It always helps to express your feelings. I did and it helped me get a little bit of closure. I still think about my ex but I feel more comfort in my heart now. It is tough writing it it brings all your feeling out. Try writing it and save it for a few days. Take a few days to think about what you said to her and decide if you really want to send it. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 I didn't read your post, just your thread title. BUT, I had a boyfriend of two years screw me royally, and boy was I angry and full of questions and swear words. So I wrote him a letter. A 27 page hand written letter to be exact. I called him every name in the book, asked him every question that I needed to ask, and told him how he hurt me. Every time I'd feel angry, or want to contact him, I'd write to him. It ended at 27 pages. Then, I put the letter in a drawer, and forgot about it, because all of the hurt was OUT of me. I had closure, without having to let him know how badly he'd hurt me. And that was the best part Getting over him, without him knowing he'd hurt me at all Link to post Share on other sites
Author WB Posted October 9, 2004 Author Share Posted October 9, 2004 Originally posted by seductress989 You may not be ready for closure, if you think of her that often. If you want to know what she's up to, then start out very subtly. Send a causal IM or txt to her cell. Just a few words, nothing spectacular and see IF she responds. I do think of her all the time (doing it right now), but more in the context of what happened, rather than her per se. I don't think I miss her. The feelings are of course still there, I just built a really tall dam to keep them locked up. The weird thing is, I think I've already accepted the fact she's out of my life. In fact I don't even want her back. But somehow I still can't get over her. Maybe I just miss the intimacy of being with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WB Posted October 9, 2004 Author Share Posted October 9, 2004 Actually I'm 99% sure she'll reply if I send her an IM. I just don't know if I should. Don't want to break the dam. Link to post Share on other sites
Think too much Posted October 9, 2004 Share Posted October 9, 2004 you've made it this far don't contact her especially if you just miss being intimate with someone. I miss that too. Ask yourself a few questions If she came crawling back to your would you take her back? If you did would you really be happy? would it last? I asked myself these questions and I realized I hate my ex and I can't forgive him. More than anything I miss the sex. I need the closure just like you but I think we can only find that within ourselves. We are holding on to something that no longer exists. Sometimes it helps to write it down and sometimes it helps to keep yourself busy. It takes a long time to get over someone you really cared about. Hang in there. There is a great girl out there that is waiting for you to find her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WB Posted October 12, 2004 Author Share Posted October 12, 2004 That's my problem, I don't know the answers to those questions. Some days I'm certain the answers are no. Some days I can't help but think she's still the one. We broke up under tremendously difficult circumstances. When we parted, we both cried for hours. Sometimes I think if the circumstances had been just a little different, we would've still be together. Maybe I'm stuck in denial, or afraid of letting go. After all, I loved this girl for 6 years before we finally got together. There's a lot of feelings there. She's the only girl I've ever cared for. Link to post Share on other sites
Think too much Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 I know how you feel. It's confusing.. you can't get them out of your heart or mind. It will get easier with time. Link to post Share on other sites
Steph21 Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 People always want what they can't have. I've found realizing that and being honest with yourself is the key to getting over stuff like this. Link to post Share on other sites
NoFaith05 Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 I actually wrote a letter telling my ex how much I hated her. I told her off big time. She lied to me during the break-up (stating several bogus reasons, but forgetting to mention that there was another guy involved). I spent months thinking that I had done something wrong (because she made it seem like I had done something wrong!) Then, after three months of healing, I found out the truth. I went through a complete relapse, and man was I pissed off! I told her everything in a letter- how much I hated her, how I thought she had used me, etc. You know what? It felt REALLY good!!! I stood up for myself (for once) and let her haver it. She deserved it for what she did to me. Not sure if this helps you though. Link to post Share on other sites
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