Is waiting until the relationship is solid before having sex a thing of the past?

[paigej91]

I'm not asking this question to get the usual "advice" thrown at women regarding sex. Cliches like "he's not the guy if he won't wait" are things told to women all the time that sometimes are actually unrealistic. Sometimes I think people are afraid to give real advice about sex to women because the issue has so much feminism and sensitivity surrounding it. I think I may need to reconsider my outlook on sex as it relates to dating.

 

With that said, I am asking this question about when sex should come in during the dating process IF it didn't just occur naturally. When women have it their way, I think a lot wait until it's a solid relationship, whereas when men have it their way they see if they're sexually compatible first. I am currently in that ambiguous "are we dating exclusive/going to be relationship soon?" phase with someone, but we haven't had sex yet. (The two primary reasons for this are: a)fear/worried about being used or played and b) I'm pretty rusty so it won't be good the first couple times). In my ideal world (which may in fact be completely unrealistic in the modern 20-somethings dating world), I wouldn't have sex with a guy until we're official. However, I am starting to think I could lose out on this great guy I am seeing simply because I want to wait.

 

Are women such as myself seen as prudish by a lot of good-intentioned men because of this viewpoint?

 

Also, if it's not unrealistic to keep this viewpoint, how do I turn down sex during the heat of the moment without it being completely awkward? Do I just say it before we start messing around?

[Phoe]

I don't think it's unreasonable. My first two relationships didn't reach sex until the 6 month mark, and with my last one we waited a month (ended up not working out shortly after)

 

I love sex but there's nothing wrong with holding off a bit. No ones gonna die haha

[Tinie]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with waiting, and I really don't think it would make you a prude. That's what I'd do, and I've been able to weed out the guys who just want to get into my pants.

 

If your man is a good one, he'll care about not crossing your boundaries. Your happiness will be higher on his priority list than having sex. Though I absolutely agree with other posters, you should clarify your boundaries so he'll know. If he doesn't like that you want to wait, then he's not such a great guy after all.

 

Good luck!

[paigej91]

To answer your question: It seems like it is a thing of the past, but it shouldn't be. Women who give it up to early and easy are the ones who end up getting used.

 

This is exactly the kind of language I'm talking about--this beating around the bush advice given to women. I feel like this should really say: "Yes, it's a thing of the past. It sucks, but that's how it is now days. Guys will view you as prudish, but you can still do it."

 

(This isn't meant to come off as rude to you specifically, I am just kind of annoyed with the indirect/cliche sex advice given to women)

Edited May 31, 2013 by paigej91

[ascendotum]

Yes. That sort of quaint conduct used to happen in the olden days. Sex isn't that sacred.

[paigej91]

Yes. That sort of quaint conduct used to happen in the olden days. Sex isn't that sacred.

 

I'm assuming you're male. Could you describe a little more? Perhaps what specifically is a turn-off of this conduct. Also, if you really genuinely liked a woman a lot, and then once you were well into in the dating process (ie: on dates 7-10), if she told you she wanted to wait until the two of you were exclusive, how would you react/think of her?

[daisybuchanan55]

I have thought a lot about this topic and wrestle with it in my own dating life. It's tough because you don't want to come off as presumptuous by saying to a guy you're dating "Just FYI I don't have sex until I'm in a relationship," because then it's ASSUMING you're going to be in a relationship with the guy, and that can scare some men off.

 

I think the best advice I've ever gotten about this went something like this...having sex shouldn't be about "when," it should be about "why."

 

Let that sink in and think about it. It makes perfect sense.

 

A lot of women get caught up in the "three date rule" or the "when we've been going out a month" or "when we're exclusive." Well, if you use these measurements, you could still end up getting screwed over by the guy. A guy will say just about anything to have sex when they're horny, including "let's be exclusive" or even "I love you," only to rescind whatever they said later on or disappear.

 

I think the best way to know when you should have sex is to listen to your head, not your heart, and ask yourself "Is this guy doing to call me after? Do I really believe he cares for me?"

 

If the answer is "No," or "I don't know," you probably shouldn't have sex with him. If the answer is yes and you genuinely want to have sex because you like him and are attracted to him, then go for it. Listen to your gut. If a guy is calling you regularly, trying to hang out a lot and making an effort, you will know he wants to be exclusive or is heading down that road with you without him having to say anything. If he's keeping things casual though, then don't feel bad not having sex. Trust me, there are PLENTY of women who will.

 

The best way to get this message across to a guy is to tell him when you feel things going "down that road" that you're "not ready" to have sex with him yet. If you don't think you'll be ready for MONTHS, it's probably best to tell him that upfront too. See how he reacts to you. Any decent guy will respond with "That's cool," or something similar when you tell him you aren't ready yet. If he gets huffy or acts like an *******, you've just saved yourself from having sex with an *******, congratulations.

 

To answer your first question of if sex is "expected" these days...well, to be honest, yes, I think a lot of women engage in casual sex quite frequently. It doesn't make it right or wrong and what most men think of this practice doesn't really matter if you aren't comfortable with it.

 

I'm an actress and know many famous men who have women throwing themselves at them, literally. They could have sex every night of the week if they wanted to. I was discussing this very topic with one of these guys and he said it was easy as logging onto Twitter, finding a hot girl who had followed him, and messaging her to set up a meeting. Finding people to have sex with is EASY.

 

The girl he is REALLY hung up on though, he hasn't slept with yet. Their first two dates there was barely any touching, not even a kiss! He was so nervous! Finally he got up the courage to kiss her on their third date. They've hung out several times since then and she told him she isn't comfortable yet with having sex and he is just fine waiting, within reason. He described her as an "angel." If this went on longer than another month with no sex, I imagine he'd start getting frustrated, to be quite honest. But look at how attentive he's being towards her. There is no doubt in my mind that he views her as someone he wants to be exclusive with and having sex wouldn't change that, it would only enhance their relationship.

 

So, if this is coming from a high-profile man who can get any girl, imagine how it is for a regular guy. You should wait as long as you need to to feel comfortable.

 

On the other hand, you should also do some soul-searching and try to figure out why you are so worried and paranoid that a guy is just "using" use for sex. I'm working on this myself and it's quite a process. Maybe you have been used or betrayed in the past? Maybe you feel men only appreciate you for your looks and nothing more? Maybe you become emotionally attached to easily (me!!!)? That might be worth another discussion...

[aussie sam]

I'm a guy and most of my recent sexual exploits have been one night affairs, but if I was dating a girl who I really liked, who was firm about how she felt about sex and the timing of it and everything then I would be happy to wait.

 

You're right it is a cliche but the truth is that if he want's to be with you long term then he will wait for sex. If not then he probably just wants the sex from you.

 

It's actually really sexy to me when a girl knows how she feels comfortable about sex. Be that waiting or not.

[Lani]

I don't have much to say about this except- don't worry about being a bit rusty. Sex is like riding a bike, you never forget how to do it. Ever. Don't let that be a barrier.

[Sunshine87]

I have thought a lot about this topic and wrestle with it in my own dating life. It's tough because you don't want to come off as presumptuous by saying to a guy you're dating "Just FYI I don't have sex until I'm in a relationship," because then it's ASSUMING you're going to be in a relationship with the guy, and that can scare some men off.

 

I think the best advice I've ever gotten about this went something like this...having sex shouldn't be about "when," it should be about "why."

 

Let that sink in and think about it. It makes perfect sense.

 

A lot of women get caught up in the "three date rule" or the "when we've been going out a month" or "when we're exclusive." Well, if you use these measurements, you could still end up getting screwed over by the guy. A guy

will say just about anything to have sex when they're horny, including "let's be exclusive" or even "I love you," only to rescind whatever they said later on or disappear.

 

I think the best way to know when you should have sex is to listen to your head, not your heart, and ask yourself "Is this guy doing to call me after? Do I really believe he cares for me?"

 

If the answer is "No," or "I don't know," you probably shouldn't have sex with him. If the answer is yes and you genuinely want to have sex because you like him and are attracted to him, then go for it. Listen to your gut. If a guy is calling you regularly, trying to hang out a lot and making an effort, you will know he wants to be exclusive or is heading down that road with you without him having to say anything. If he's keeping things casual though, then don't feel bad not having sex. Trust me, there are PLENTY of women who will.

 

The best way to get this message across to a guy is to tell him when you feel things going "down that road" that you're "not ready" to have sex with him yet. If you don't think you'll be ready for MONTHS, it's probably best to tell him that upfront too. See how he reacts to you. Any decent guy will respond with "That's cool," or something similar when you tell him you aren't ready yet. If he gets huffy or acts like an *******, you've just saved yourself from having sex with an *******, congratulations.

 

To answer your first question of if sex is "expected" these days...well, to be honest, yes, I think a lot of women engage in casual sex quite frequently. It doesn't make it right or wrong and what most men think of this practice doesn't really matter if you aren't comfortable with it.

 

I'm an actress and know many famous men who have women throwing themselves at them, literally. They could have sex every night of the week if they wanted to. I was discussing this very topic with one of these guys and he said it was easy as logging onto Twitter, finding a hot girl who had followed him, and messaging her to set up a meeting. Finding people to have sex with is EASY.

 

The girl he is REALLY hung up on though, he hasn't slept with yet. Their first two dates there was barely any touching, not even a kiss! He was so nervous! Finally he got up the courage to kiss her on their third date. They've hung out several times since then and she told him she isn't comfortable yet with having sex and he is just fine waiting, within reason. He described her as an "angel." If this went on longer than another month with no sex, I imagine he'd start getting frustrated, to be quite honest. But look at how attentive he's being towards her. There is no doubt in my mind that he views her as someone he wants to be exclusive with and having sex wouldn't change that, it would only enhance their relationship.

 

So, if this is coming from a high-profile man who can get any girl, imagine how it is for a regular guy. You should wait as long as you need to to feel comfortable.

 

On the other hand, you should also do some soul-searching and try to figure out why you are so worried and paranoid that a guy is just "using" use for sex. I'm working on this myself and it's quite a process. Maybe you have been used or betrayed in the past? Maybe you feel men only appreciate you for your looks and nothing more? Maybe you become emotionally attached to easily (me!!!)? That might be worth another discussion...

 

This is spot on. Fantastic advice.

Just want to add that

- I personally don't believe in using sex as a bait or weapon or pre-condition or bargaining tool.

-Sure, men want sex early on in the relationship but sex should enhance the relationship and the feelings ALREADY there. Not sure that having sex can "create" feelings as a lot of women sometimes believe. "If I have sex with him, he will fall in love". How does this explain very sexually active men who WAIT for that woman they are crazy about? They love her even though they haven't had sex with her? Ild rather err on the side of caution especially since I'm emotional. Don't do it until you feel comfortable. Don't feel pressured but I don't think you should "talk" about it much either.

-If he is a keeper, he will respect your wishes. Not implying you should starve him of sex forever but there is a LOT of sense in waiting until you feel okay with it. Sex is so cheap nowadays. It means nothing and this is reflected in the attitude of men who have no "patience" or tolerance for waiting. But the fact that everyone is doing it doesn't mean you should change your core values and principles to

[ThomasD]

Well, at this moment I'm personally acquainted with three 20-somethings (OK, one is actually 31) who think the relationship should be very solid - such as engaged to be married - before sex is added. Label them as "prudish" if you wish, but two of them now have (as far as I can tell) strong marriages and the third is, well, a little conflicted but hoping to find a partner with similar views. On the other hand - I'm acquainted with many more single 20-somethings who seem to go through live-in partners faster than they replace their $200 running shoes.

 

How far "past" did you have in mind? I think you can find credible scientific studies online that show the virgin bride or groom became a minority around 1960; for my generation (the "baby boomers" who declared the "Summer of Love", made Woodstock a success, and live by the slogan "If it feels good, DO IT!") having 2 or 3 sexual partners before marriage is the norm; and in the early 1990's the "typical" 17-year old was involved in a sexual relationship.

 

On the other hand . . . even today something like 5% - 10% of unmarried 20-somethings are still virgins although few will admit it to even close friends, much less talk about it. Yes, that's a definite minority but still a sizable minority. Not every guy is out to screw anything with a hole in the middle of it!

 

Personally . . . I came of age and went to college in the "swinging 60's" (which actually didn't start until about 1962 or '63, and extended into the early 70's - but that's another topic). At that age I would have said that sex should be reserved for people who intend to be life partners, or at least very close to that intention. I also knew it would be very difficult for me to resist sex if it was offered by a girl I even moderately cared for, but I would probably have problems with regrets and rationalizations in the aftermath. I hoped my first sex partner would be my last sex partner and while I preferred that she would also be a virgin, and have a similar intention, I pragmatically conceded that she would have some "experience" before me. As it turned out - my wife and I were wedding-night virgins at age 23. How's that for "waiting until the relationship is solid"? Among roughly a dozen couples I'm acquainted with and whose stories I know (and trust), one other couple "waited for marriage", and I think four others were sexually exclusive to each other before marriage even though they didn't wait - which essentially reflects the statistics I started with.

 

It wasn't easy for us to reach that goal. We had a vague, general, idea of each other's sexual standards before we even met in person. (That's an LDR story that doesn't materially change this discussion.) Initially in our in-person dating she gently and respectfully stopped my hands or whispered her disapproval if our lovemaking violated her boundaries - and I respected her limits, though often tested them a week or two later. About a month or a bit more into our in-person dating we had a deliberate "sex talk" where we stated and discussed our standards, limits, expectations, etc. I think knowing each other's "rules" and expectations, rather than trying to guess or infer them, helped move us toward a "solid relationship". In the end I think we "accommodated" each other, rather than "negotiated" or "compromised".

 

Once it was unambiguously "on the table", I agreed to help her meet the goal of starting her wedding day as a virgin. We mutually agreed to let each other know when that goal was close to being compromised - and we would help each other get past the lust of the moment. There was still some testing but there was also mutual trust and respect for each other's desires. After we became engaged a couple months later it became more difficult because we became progressively more physically intimate (by the time we married, we were acquainted with each other's bodies and sexual responses, and had done pretty much everything short of intercourse) but it was also easier because we could point to a time - eventually the exact date, almost down to the hour - when we WOULD experience full sex.

 

Ultimately we developed the commitment and the attachment, with the understanding that sex would follow, and then we added the sex. I admit that I saw sex as a significant element of the relationship I wanted to have but it wasn't the main reason, and I was willing to postpone sex for the sake of the relationship. I haven't come out and asked, but I suspect there ARE single guys even today with a similar attitude. Knowing the expectations and "rules" helped me do that. So in that sense we "turned it down" before we started "messing around".

 

In the end, "sexual compatibility" (which seemed to be a compelling factor when I was an adolescent) wasn't a factor for us. We learned - both before, and after, having sex - how to pleasure each other. First-time sex between two virgins on their wedding night actually wasn't very good sex by physical standards (mental and emotional significance was HUGE!) but within a couple hours it got much better. In almost 39 years since then, we have enjoyed sex A LOT - and enjoyed A LOT of sex.

 

I hope this doesn't sound like a cliche' to you - I'm certainly trying to give you an honest, complete, answer from a guy's perspective. For discussions on similar topics, see the threads "Postponing Sex and Effects on Relationships" at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/395596-postponing-sex-effects-relationships-6.html#post4916522 and "When dating, how long to wait before sex?" at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/394058-when-dating-how-long-wait-before-sex#post4892214

[therhythm]

Honestly I think you should not look at this like something you need to plan in advance, nature is quite wise and things work very different with different people. I have had sex with a woman in the first hour of our first date and I have waited longer for other. I anyhow would not commit to a relationship till I have had sex with a woman, sex is very important in my life and I could not be in a relationship just to find we are not sexually compatible.

 

Other thing that is a real turn off is those women who use sex as a tool to catch a guy, they are happy sleeping around and having casual sex but when they want to get a concrete guy they make him wait, that is a total turn off for me and I think no man would like to know that he had to wait to get sex longer than others just because he wanted something more than sex with that woman...

[pcplod]

I suspect that there is an instinct in many of us that rules/conventions/protocols immediately appeal to us because of the implicit predictability and reliability they appear to convey.

 

Unfortunately, though, I suspect that reality means that those rules, etc are only honoured in the breach because following them are, unlike laws, purely voluntary. We like rules, etc because we don't trust ourselves, less than we don't trust others. That's why you are here after all. You are questioning yourself and asking others, seeking comfort and re-assurance that "safety in numbers" can give. However, real confidence and satisfaction with the self comes from examining yourself, examining the context in which you exist and having consulted those rules and consulting others, making your decision about your existence, on your own terms that make sense at that very moment. Rules change, the context in which those rules operate change and you change too, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. Those who don't change, don't adapt, at least on terms that they can deal with, find it very hard to cope with life, any aspect of life.

 

Typically there can be "recreational sex" and "meaningful sex". You can decide that the latter is somehow superior, although I am not sure why it should be. On the other hand, you can decide that they are just different and both have their relative advantages and disadvantages covering the gamut of both physical and psychological issues.

 

So what if you were to seek recreational sex and find out that it is not going to be anything more compared any more to seeking meaningful sex and find out that isn't going to work out either? This is your life, your choice, don't let anyone individually or collectively make it for you. Surviving life is more about making mistakes and surviving the experience and knowing you have the capability to survive it, than striving to not make mistakes but failing anyway.

 

Do what you know to you is right. Worry less about what others might think of it. It is your life, not theirs.

Edited May 31, 2013 by pcplod

[Sunshine87]

Honestly I think you should not look at this like something you need to plan in advance, nature is quite wise and things work very different with different people. I have had sex with a woman in the first hour of our first date and I have waited longer for other. I anyhow would not commit to a relationship till I have had sex with a woman, sex is very important in my life and I could not be in a relationship just to find we are not sexually compatible.

 

Other thing that is a real turn off is those women who use sex as a tool to catch a guy, they are happy sleeping around and having casual sex but when they want to get a concrete guy they make him wait, that is a total turn off for me and I think no man would like to know that he had to wait to get sex longer than others just because he wanted something more than sex with that woman...

 

Sure. I don't agree with using it as a bargaining tool. Just a question: Are you in a serious committed relationship or married?

[therhythm]

Sure. I don't agree with using it as a bargaining tool. Just a question: Are you in a serious committed relationship or married?

 

Nope, I am single at this moment, why?

[Sunshine87]

Nope, I am single at this moment, why?

 

 

Wanted to find out a few things that's why. For example, you mentioned that you had sex with a woman within the first hour ( of your date)- How long did that relationship last?

[therhythm]

Wanted to find out a few things that's why. For example, you mentioned that you had sex with a woman within the first hour ( of your date)- How long did that relationship last?

 

The relationship lasted 1.5 year (actually the longest relationship I ever had!)

[Sunshine87]

The relationship lasted 1.5 year (actually the longest relationship I ever had!)

 

Why did you break up?

I admit that life is too dynamic to apply a rigid set of rules. For example, ive heard of men who married women they had one night stands with. On the reverse, I've heard of women who became attached after a one night stand only to be discarded as trash.

 

I think perhaps that what ever is meant to be will be. So if for example, a woman has sex with a man within the first few weeks and it doesn't work out, early sex might not necessarily be the cause of this. Maybe it just

wasnt meant to be. If on the other hand, it works out then maybe it was meant to be!

 

 

The man in question also determines a lot. For example if you're a man who gets bored with no challenge, then you might not be drawn to a woman who put out immediately. If you are a man who values

conservatism in women, then you might be more likely to settle down with a woman who displays some of this. If you really really like the girl, then having sex early with her would have no negative impact. It really is a complex issue but women ( especially emotional ones) need to protect themselves. It's not so much about following rules but about dictating the pace of things in a way that makes them feel comfortable.

 

So I would not advise a woman to have sex with a man in order not to "stall" the relationship. Why should she dance to the tune of the man in order to "keep" him? She should abide by her own set of policies and more importantly intuition- does it feel right? Is she ready to become vulnerable? Does she feel "safe" enough around him to give her all?

[therhythm]

Why did you break up?

I admit that life is too dynamic to apply a rigid set of rules. For example, ive heard of men who married women they had one night stands with. On the reverse, I've heard of women who became attached after a one night stand only to be discarded as trash.

 

I think perhaps that what ever is meant to be will be. So if for example, a woman has sex with a man within the first few weeks and it doesn't work out, early sex might not necessarily be the cause of this. Maybe it just

wasnt meant to be. If on the other hand, it works out then maybe it was meant to be!

 

 

The man in question also determines a lot. For example if you're a man who gets bored with no challenge, then you might not be drawn to a woman who put out immediately. If you are a man who values

conservatism in women, then you might be more likely to settle down with a woman who displays some of this. If you really really like the girl, then having sex early with her would have no negative impact. It really is a complex issue but women ( especially emotional ones) need to protect themselves. It's not so much about following rules but about dictating the pace of things in a way that makes them feel comfortable.

 

So I would not advise a woman to have sex with a man in order not to "stall" the relationship. Why should she dance to the tune of the man in order to "keep" him? She should abide by her own set of policies and more importantly intuition- does it feel right? Is she ready to become vulnerable? Does she feel "safe" enough around him to give her all?

 

If what you are trying to say is that a woman should just go forward with her instinct I am 100% agree with it, no woman owes any man sex but no men owes any woman commitment... as you can see it is a fine line to walk for both participants!

For me actually the situation is easy, till I don't have sex the relationship is NOT exclusive and therefore if someone makes me wait there are many chances I will get sex from other sources. If a woman is fine with that I am fine with waiting

[Sunshine87]

If what you are trying to say is that a woman should just go forward with her instinct I am 100% agree with it, no woman owes any man sex but no men owes any woman commitment... as you can see it is a fine line to walk for both participants!

For me actually the situation is easy, till I don't have sex the relationship is NOT exclusive and therefore if someone makes me wait there are many chances I will get sex from other sources. If a woman is fine with that I am fine with waiting

 

Lol so you wont budge but you expect the woman to? That means you use sex as a bargaining tool. You are pretty much admitting that you won't become exclusive UNLESS you have sex. The reverse of "I won't have sex until I become exclusive".

 

:-p

[sillyanswer]

I'm not asking this question to get the usual "advice" thrown at women regarding sex. Cliches like "he's not the guy if he won't wait" are things told to women all the time that sometimes are actually unrealistic.

 

I see that you've been given that advice anyway.

 

To answer the topic question, it isn't entirely a thing of the past but it's something that happens less now than it used to in western culture. The taboo of sex outside marriage has pretty much gone away, careful use of modern contraception significantly lowers the risks of having sex, and less multi-generational living means there are fewer disapproving glances from older generations are just three of the many reasons why this happens.

 

The important thing about the timing of having sex with a new partner is to make sure you're doing it because you want to rather than only because the partner wants to. If that means waiting until other things have already happened (it used to be "marriage"! and still does for some people) then that's fine. If that means that the other person no longer wishes to date you, then that's fine as well.

[therhythm]

Lol so you wont budge but you expect the woman to? That means you use sex as a bargaining tool. You are pretty much admitting that you won't become exclusive UNLESS you have sex. The reverse of "I won't have sex until I become exclusive".

 

:-p

 

No, it doesn't mean that I use sex as a bargaining tool, it means that sex is something too important in my life to miss out simply because someone is making up her mind about what she really wants or is playing games to control me.

I am not going to say a woman should sleep with each man they date but once you have been in 5 or 6 dates you have a pretty good idea if you like the guy or not, if you don't like him them don't string him along, if you like the guy why to wait for sex?

[IsThisAll]

If a guy is calling you regularly, trying to hang out a lot and making an effort, you will know he wants to be exclusive or is heading down that road with you without him having to say anything.

 

I really liked your post! But what if a guy pretends to want to hang out a lot, makes an effort and calls you regularly? & when you eventually have sex, he disappears? There are a lot of guys who do this.

 

Unfortunately for us females, although we are not all the same, there are pretty much standard things that ANY guy can use to come across as being seriously interested, caring etc and a lot of guys will keep this up for a while (as well as sometimes spending stupid amounts of money) in order to get into a girl's vagina.

 

In such a world that we live in, where women are now encouraged to be unafraid of openly admitting they enjoy sex, many a guy knows the average female will not wait months or years prior to having sex with someone that they are seeing.

 

My point is, from the get go, a lot of guys already know they won't have to display their facade - in order to get a female to feel comfortable or gain their trust - for very long before 'they get what they want'.

[TaurusTerp]

I'm not asking this question to get the usual "advice" thrown at women regarding sex. Cliches like "he's not the guy if he won't wait" are things told to women all the time that sometimes are actually unrealistic. Sometimes I think people are afraid to give real advice about sex to women because the issue has so much feminism and sensitivity surrounding it. I think I may need to reconsider my outlook on sex as it relates to dating.

 

With that said, I am asking this question about when sex should come in during the dating process IF it didn't just occur naturally. When women have it their way, I think a lot wait until it's a solid relationship, whereas when men have it their way they see if they're sexually compatible first. I am currently in that ambiguous "are we dating exclusive/going to be relationship soon?" phase with someone, but we haven't had sex yet. (The two primary reasons for this are: a)fear/worried about being used or played and b) I'm pretty rusty so it won't be good the first couple times). In my ideal world (which may in fact be completely unrealistic in the modern 20-somethings dating world), I wouldn't have sex with a guy until we're official. However, I am starting to think I could lose out on this great guy I am seeing simply because I want to wait.

 

Are women such as myself seen as prudish by a lot of good-intentioned men because of this viewpoint?

 

Also, if it's not unrealistic to keep this viewpoint, how do I turn down sex during the heat of the moment without it being completely awkward? Do I just say it before we start messing around?

 

My view, and the view of a lot of guys I know, is that it's fine to wait if the girl truly isn't ready for sex. The turn off is when YOU want to have sex, and we can tell, but you waffle about with things like "I don't know, we shouldn't", "we've only been out x times", etc and we have to run through a whole song and dance. There's no age limit on this behavior, but I find it extremely childish and sometimes it kicks the girl over to the "not dateable" category. I like strong women with minimal BS for actual relationships.

[sillyanswer]

I really liked your post! But what if a guy pretends to want to hang out a lot, makes an effort and calls you regularly? & when you eventually have sex, he disappears? There are a lot of guys who do this.

 

My point is, from the get go, a lot of guys already know they won't have to display their facade - in order to get a female to feel comfortable or gain their trust - for very long before 'they get what they want'.

 

It doesn't have to be a pretence to want to hang out with you, call you, date you etc if "what they want" is to find out (amongst other things) if you're sexually compatible. And if you're not, why shouldn't that be a deal breaker? Is he obligated to stick around for more of the same if he didn't like it?