Is waiting until the relationship is solid before having sex a thing of the past?

[phineas]

No, it doesn't mean that I use sex as a bargaining tool, it means that sex is something too important in my life to miss out simply because someone is making up her mind about what she really wants or is playing games to control me.

I am not going to say a woman should sleep with each man they date but once you have been in 5 or 6 dates you have a pretty good idea if you like the guy or not, if you don't like him them don't string him along, if you like the guy why to wait for sex?

 

This is why i don't answer to a woman until we are having sex.

 

Every time I waited 2 to 3 months after my divorce I got emotionally invested in the woman only to have them bail on me & get with someone else.

 

You feel like a world class chump & it honestly hurts because you can't not start to develop feelings for someone when you spend that much time with them one-on-one & they are the only one you are seeing.

 

I have also met a few women who seem to think after a few dates they own me.

Call me up all the time wanting to know where I am or who i'm with yet they don't want to sleep with me and officially become my GF.

 

They basically expect me to behave as if i'm in a committed relationship with them when we aren't in relationship & that's just setting yourself up to be hurt when you do that.

[therhythm]

This is why i don't answer to a woman until we are having sex.

 

Every time I waited 2 to 3 months after my divorce I got emotionally invested in the woman only to have them bail on me & get with someone else.

 

You feel like a world class chump & it honestly hurts because you can't not start to develop feelings for someone when you spend that much time with them one-on-one & they are the only one you are seeing.

 

I have also met a few women who seem to think after a few dates they own me.

Call me up all the time wanting to know where I am or who i'm with yet they don't want to sleep with me and officially become my GF.

 

They basically expect me to behave as if i'm in a committed relationship with them when we aren't in relationship & that's just setting yourself up to be hurt when you do that.

 

Yeah, that is a clear example of what I am not willing to let happen to me!

[Liquinn]

Yeah, that is a clear example of what I am not willing to let happen to me!

Well, I wouldn't ever have sex before marriage.

[therhythm]

Well, I wouldn't ever have sex before marriage.

 

Good luck with that... I have many (MANY) experience with women who didn't have sex before their marriage... You don't want to know...

How can you even think about getting married with someone you don't know you are sexually compatible with....uggh

[Liquinn]

Good luck with that... I have many (MANY) experience with women who didn't have sex before their marriage... You don't want to know...

How can you even think about getting married with someone you don't know you are sexually compatible with....uggh

Good point, sex isn't the only sexual things you do to with/to someone though is it?

[therhythm]

Good point, sex isn't the only sexual things you do to with/to someone though is it?

 

Yes but it is the most important one Foreplay is fun for a while but you don't know how sexual compatible you are if you have not really done the deed (more than once by the way...)

[TaurusTerp]

Good point, sex isn't the only sexual things you do to with/to someone though is it?

 

If you do everything but sex what is your motivation? Just a rubber stamp that you're a "virgin"?

[ReelAhdvice]

dont have sex quickly, just wait it out and communicate with the guy.

 

Its sexy knowing when it might happen or if more date will get sex there versus she is not really serious.

 

communicate.

[Phantom888]

I'm not asking this question to get the usual "advice" thrown at women regarding sex. Cliches like "he's not the guy if he won't wait" are things told to women all the time that sometimes are actually unrealistic. Sometimes I think people are afraid to give real advice about sex to women because the issue has so much feminism and sensitivity surrounding it. I think I may need to reconsider my outlook on sex as it relates to dating.

 

With that said, I am asking this question about when sex should come in during the dating process IF it didn't just occur naturally. When women have it their way, I think a lot wait until it's a solid relationship, whereas when men have it their way they see if they're sexually compatible first. I am currently in that ambiguous "are we dating exclusive/going to be relationship soon?" phase with someone, but we haven't had sex yet. (The two primary reasons for this are: a)fear/worried about being used or played and b) I'm pretty rusty so it won't be good the first couple times). In my ideal world (which may in fact be completely unrealistic in the modern 20-somethings dating world), I wouldn't have sex with a guy until we're official. However, I am starting to think I could lose out on this great guy I am seeing simply because I want to wait.

 

Are women such as myself seen as prudish by a lot of good-intentioned men because of this viewpoint?

 

Also, if it's not unrealistic to keep this viewpoint, how do I turn down sex during the heat of the moment without it being completely awkward? Do I just say it before we start messing around?

 

Awesome post and great points. I want to contribute from a "mature" man's point of view. You are not likely going to date men my age (I assume you are like 22?), but there is much to be said about good men. You will notice that guys your age are really into "numbers"....they want to sleep with as many women as possible because it's fun and good to brag about. It's the primal spirit of conquest. You will also notice there are romantic and more serious guys your age who just want a good woman to spend time with, and maybe even have a future with. I was married when I was 23, and all I wanted was a good woman to spend my life with. I was married for 12 years and never ever cheated! I have had several relationships before marriage as well as after divorce. But one rule I always followed was NO SEX UNTIL WE ARE BOTH IN LOVE. Yes, it took months to consummate the relationships, but they were well worth it. There was a 6-month period in my life I call the "Sexcapade Phase" where I decided to experiment with casual sex with many women. I ended up hating it. That lifestyle is not for me. So it really depends on the individual.

 

If you really like a guy, and you want to develop a relationship, then don't put out so quickly. Yes he will squirm and complain, but if he really likes you, he will wait for when you're BOTH ready. If he just wants a quick bang, he will abandon you for making him wait, which is fine because why would you want a guy like that anyway? Conclusion: Good quality guys who really care about you are willing to wait.... because just sitting next to you is enough to make them happy. Yes it will be hard to resist when you guys are making out or fooling around, but there is so much fun stuff you can do without removing your underwear!!! The best relationships I ever had involved waiting 2+ months before sex. Something to think about...

[Phantom888]

This is exactly the kind of language I'm talking about--this beating around the bush advice given to women. I feel like this should really say: "Yes, it's a thing of the past. It sucks, but that's how it is now days. Guys will view you as prudish, but you can still do it."

 

(This isn't meant to come off as rude to you specifically, I am just kind of annoyed with the indirect/cliche sex advice given to women)

 

But it's NOT a thing of the past. Men would totally respect a woman more if she didn't put out so easily. We imagine that if you have sex with us early on, you must do that with other men, which makes you kinda trashy. Men have no problem banging trashy girls, but we would NEVER want a relationship with one. Guys who think certain girls are "prudish" for making them wait simply don't respect women in general. Why would you even want a disrespectful, selfish, uncaring dude in your life anyway? I would rather pick a prudish girl over a trashy girl any day! At least with a prudish girl, I know she's really picky and I must be SUPER ALPHA DOG if she ever chooses to sleep with me.

[Els]

Whether or not it is a 'realistic' expectation depends entirely on your age, demographic, culture, social circle, etc. Personally, I would advise sticking to your guns and doing what you feel best for yourself, regardless of whether or not the 'majority' would approve. Nobody has ever found a compatible partner from compromising on core values.

 

Personally, I come from a culture in which virginity is still prized and waiting years for sex, especially intercourse, isn't uncommon, so it has never been an issue for me in terms of finding a guy who was willing to wait. Your mileage may vary.

[daisybuchanan55]

100% agree with Phantom's awesome advice!!!

 

My experience dating men around my age (I'm 26) vs. older men (32+) is like night and day. Usually older guys are much more experienced and understand the benefits to building a relationship prior to having sex. Younger guys are horny, not likely thinking about commitment and unable to see the long-term benefits of being a bit more picky.

 

For me, waiting isn't about torturing the guy, teaching him a lesson, playing games, etc. It's just that it takes time to get to know someone and find out if I want to sleep with someone. How can you possibly know anything about a person after one date? I've had two one night stands that were 100% passion-fueled and one of them worked out and the other didn't. I honestly think the one that worked out was pure luck, and, by the way, when we woke up the next day I didn't act like the guy was my boyfriend. He was still a stranger and we still had to go through the motions of getting to know each other even though we'd had sex. Sex is sex. It's a mechanical act at it's core and it doesn't mean you know anyone any better. Only when you really know someone does it become meaningful.

 

When you wait you give yourself time to let the "crush" feeling and excitement subside a bit. You can see the situation clearly and make a better decision. You might regret sleeping with him too early but I've never heard of a girl regretting waiting.

 

If you're dating a guy you suspect is sleeping with other women and you're making him wait (I've been there) don't concern yourself with that beyond a safety standpoint. You should use a condom anyway and be comfortable talking about sexual health. I always assume men are sleeping with other people because to assume otherwise would be naive. If you're seeing him regularly, going on dates and feel headed towards exclusivity the chances that the guy is having anything more than random, casual sex with other women is low.

 

One way to make sure you don't get screwed is to make yourself unavailable once in awhile. It's tempting to hang out with a guy all the time when you really like him, but don't. Make him plan dates with you in advance so that you can't be a "last minute hang out girl." Trust me, if he is booking you for Saturday nights a few days in advance and making plans with you during the week, it is very unlikely you will sleep with him and find out he had another girlfriend on the side. By saying you're busy once in awhile, it will force him to offer other options..."Well are you free Tuesday? Wednesday? Thursday?" This doesn't sound like someone dating a lot of people, does it?

 

Guys may accuse me of promoting game-playing and maybe that's what it is, but every time I've acted like this, it works. It's when I've let myself hang out with men last-minute and not listened to my gut that I've gotten completely screwed.

[BluEyeL]

Honestly I think you should not look at this like something you need to plan in advance, nature is quite wise and things work very different with different people. I have had sex with a woman in the first hour of our first date and I have waited longer for other. I anyhow would not commit to a relationship till I have had sex with a woman, sex is very important in my life and I could not be in a relationship just to find we are not sexually compatible.

 

Other thing that is a real turn off is those women who use sex as a tool to catch a guy, they are happy sleeping around and having casual sex but when they want to get a concrete guy they make him wait, that is a total turn off for me and I think no man would like to know that he had to wait to get sex longer than others just because he wanted something more than sex with that woman...

 

I understand your logic here. Nevertheless, this works "in general". If you were REALLY into a particular woman, you'd not think that way, you'd not "pool" her into the 'women this and that' group and you'd care about her particular thoughts and how she feels about timeline to sex, not just about your timeline and worry that you'll end up being friendzoned or "waste your time".

 

The lady that had sex with you right away and you had the longest relationship with in the end cheated on you, if I understood correctly from your other posts? So maybe, not such good character in her?

[therhythm]

I understand your logic here. Nevertheless, this works "in general". If you were REALLY into a particular woman, you'd not think that way, you'd not "pool" her into the 'women this and that' group and you'd care about her particular thoughts and how she feels about timeline to sex, not just about your timeline and worry that you'll end up being friendzoned or "waste your time".

 

The lady that had sex with you right away and you had the longest relationship with in the end cheated on you, if I understood correctly from your other posts? So maybe, not such good character in her?

 

I am a very simple man with very simple needs, I don't believe in love fist sight either so the "if you are really into her" theory doesn't work with me. I usually get interested in a person if she is attractive and has nice personality traits but the process of getting in love in my case takes time and definitely will not happen before I ever had sex with a woman.

I actually do not have any problem with waiting, I just would be very clear that till we do not have sex we are not exclusive so if she takes too long I will look for sex from other sources...

And yes, my girlfriend of 1.5 year cheated on me, it didn't have much to do with the particular moment when she slept with me for first time, actually the fact is that she could not assimilate my sexual past, she build up a resentment against me for that till she auto convinced herself that I deserved to be cheated on.

Edited May 31, 2013 by therhythm

[therhythm]

100% agree with Phantom's awesome advice!!!

 

My experience dating men around my age (I'm 26) vs. older men (32+) is like night and day. Usually older guys are much more experienced and understand the benefits to building a relationship prior to having sex. Younger guys are horny, not likely thinking about commitment and unable to see the long-term benefits of being a bit more picky.

 

For me, waiting isn't about torturing the guy, teaching him a lesson, playing games, etc. It's just that it takes time to get to know someone and find out if I want to sleep with someone. How can you possibly know anything about a person after one date? I've had two one night stands that were 100% passion-fueled and one of them worked out and the other didn't. I honestly think the one that worked out was pure luck, and, by the way, when we woke up the next day I didn't act like the guy was my boyfriend. He was still a stranger and we still had to go through the motions of getting to know each other even though we'd had sex. Sex is sex. It's a mechanical act at it's core and it doesn't mean you know anyone any better. Only when you really know someone does it become meaningful.

 

When you wait you give yourself time to let the "crush" feeling and excitement subside a bit. You can see the situation clearly and make a better decision. You might regret sleeping with him too early but I've never heard of a girl regretting waiting.

 

If you're dating a guy you suspect is sleeping with other women and you're making him wait (I've been there) don't concern yourself with that beyond a safety standpoint. You should use a condom anyway and be comfortable talking about sexual health. I always assume men are sleeping with other people because to assume otherwise would be naive. If you're seeing him regularly, going on dates and feel headed towards exclusivity the chances that the guy is having anything more than random, casual sex with other women is low.

 

One way to make sure you don't get screwed is to make yourself unavailable once in awhile. It's tempting to hang out with a guy all the time when you really like him, but don't. Make him plan dates with you in advance so that you can't be a "last minute hang out girl." Trust me, if he is booking you for Saturday nights a few days in advance and making plans with you during the week, it is very unlikely you will sleep with him and find out he had another girlfriend on the side. By saying you're busy once in awhile, it will force him to offer other options..."Well are you free Tuesday? Wednesday? Thursday?" This doesn't sound like someone dating a lot of people, does it?

 

Guys may accuse me of promoting game-playing and maybe that's what it is, but every time I've acted like this, it works. It's when I've let myself hang out with men last-minute and not listened to my gut that I've gotten completely screwed.

 

This is the perfect advise if you want to end with a guy who will wait because doesn't have any other option... if a guy has options and you make him wait too long... well you imagine the rest of it

[sillyanswer]

But it's NOT a thing of the past. Men would totally respect a woman more if she didn't put out so easily. We imagine that if you have sex with us early on, you must do that with other men, which makes you kinda trashy. Men have no problem banging trashy girls, but we would NEVER want a relationship with one.

 

Just want to say that you're not speaking for all men with the "early sex equals trashy woman" idea.

[therhythm]

Just want to say that you're not speaking for all men with the "early sex equals trashy woman" idea.

 

I sum up on that one... why people keep trashing people who don't think like them... I will never understand that

[Phantom888]

I don't know why, but I keep thinking if you are compatible with someone, and you feel all good and everything, why would you choose to go on dates with anyone else, or even sleep with anyone else? Call me old fashioned, but I really don't think people are motivated to go on dates with other people once they meet someone they really click with....even without claiming exclusivity.

 

I've always been one to only date one at a time. I would not be attracted to a woman who dates/sleeps with a lot of men at a time, and chooses one to be in a relationship with. I think it's reasonable to chat or even have dinner with different people just to scope out the field, but I don't think it's right to repeatedly see or be intimate with multiple people. This just cheapens the whole connection.

[Phantom888]

This is the perfect advise if you want to end with a guy who will wait because doesn't have any other option... if a guy has options and you make him wait too long... well you imagine the rest of it

 

Good quality men always have tons of options. What sets them apart is that they choose to wait because this lady is truly special to them. I think I want sex more than most people... In my last relationship we had 4-hour sex frequently because I couldn't get enough. But nevertheless, I was willing to wait for the one I cared about, because she was worth it. Casual sex for me is a waste of orgasms...too easy and unfulfilling.

[therhythm]

I don't know why, but I keep thinking if you are compatible with someone, and you feel all good and everything, why would you choose to go on dates with anyone else, or even sleep with anyone else? Call me old fashioned, but I really don't think people are motivated to go on dates with other people once they meet someone they really click with....even without claiming exclusivity.

 

I've always been one to only date one at a time. I would not be attracted to a woman who dates/sleeps with a lot of men at a time, and chooses one to be in a relationship with. I think it's reasonable to chat or even have dinner with different people just to scope out the field, but I don't think it's right to repeatedly see or be intimate with multiple people. This just cheapens the whole connection.

 

As I always say, I don't measure women for the amount of dicks she has had in her vagina, I don't care!

She needs to be fun, social, attractive, loyal, honest and sexual!

I don't know how it works for you but till I am exclusive I always keep all my options open , I am not one to be string along and get frienzoned after 6 dates... It has never happened to me and it will never happen! If that concrete woman takes to much to decide if I am the one then I will just begin to explore the other options...

Women do not owe any man sex and that is totally true but men do not owe exclusivity to those women neither...

The way I see it a woman knows by date 6 maximum if she likes a guy or not so if she likes him why to wait for sex and if she doesn't like him why stringing him along?

[therhythm]

Good quality men always have tons of options. What sets them apart is that they choose to wait because this lady is truly special to them. I think I want sex more than most people... In my last relationship we had 4-hour sex frequently because I couldn't get enough. But nevertheless, I was willing to wait for the one I cared about, because she was worth it. Casual sex for me is a waste of orgasms...too easy and unfulfilling.

 

Ohh I guess your casual sex is very different than mine... Actually I can't imagine sex being unfulfilling in any way..

 

Can you please enlighten me about those quality men? Who are them? I usually see them frienzoned while their quality women try to sleep with me

[daisybuchanan55]

Any man of any "quality" level will wait for a woman who is the "right" woman. He may be having sex with others during the waiting period, but he won't kick her to the curb unless the waiting is really extreme...as in, till marriage.

 

And as for the "if you don't know by date six" logic...well, I've had guys try to hang out with me more than six times without any sort of indication they wanted exclusivity, and when I did eventually have sex, that didn't make them want to be exclusive. They continued sleeping around. So yeah, if you've got a guy taking you on six high-quality dates and staying in regular touch, then yes, you have a point. But if a guy is just keeping you in his rotation (I've found myself in "rotations" for longer than a year!!!) then this six-time thing is stupid! I actually made the mistake of thinking that because this particular man was so "high quality" I HAD to sleep with him or he would lose interest and move on. Nope. He just wasn't that interested to begin with. In fact, I think he LOST interest the less of a challenge I became and the less I required of him.

[crederer]

I've had sex pretty early in every relationship I have been in (i.e within the first couple of weeks of dating).

 

If you feel like he's trying to use you, that's understandable. It really depends on how long your relationship as been (i haven't read any posts after your post). So if it's been a while, I'm sure he's not using you for sex.

 

Most guys can get sex relatively easily and wont put in a ridiculous amount of effort if that's all they're looking for.

 

As a guy, a woman that holds out sex for a prolonged period of time, shows me she's not interested.

 

That being said, respect yourself and the right guy for you will also respect and understand it.

[daisybuchanan55]

And btw, "high-quality" is different from the "nice guy," who typically gets friend-zoned. And yes, it's true women like *******s, which it sounds like you're proud to be, therhythm.

 

My entire dating career has been spent trying to turn "*******s" and "players" into committed boyfriends. It RARELY has worked, mainly because I've given into their tactics and sex appeal too easily.

 

I think I've learned by now that the only way to "control" these men is to NOT give into temptation. No sex, no constant texting etc. until you get a clear indication you're the girl for him. No last-minute hang-outs, booty calls, etc. Sounds obvious but it's easy to make excuses when you're dealing with an A-list dude who many women would kill to be seen with. You have to remind yourself that just because this "high-quality, desired player" is giving you attention does not mean you need to do anything other than be yourself and be pleasant in order to KEEP his attention. Sex included.

 

High-quality men get sex all the time. The way to set yourself apart is to require more than crumbs.

[therhythm]

Any man of any "quality" level will wait for a woman who is the "right" woman. He may be having sex with others during the waiting period, but he won't kick her to the curb unless the waiting is really extreme...as in, till marriage.

 

Ohh I totally agree with that... as long as is clear that there is not commitment or exclusivity if the woman is the right one I can wait (while as you well say will have sex with others). The point is that there are no many women who want that kind of set up, they want exclusivity and commitment from very early in the process but at the same time they want you to wait ...

That is really a big mistake for thebothof them, how can you get into a relationship with someone if you don't even know if you are compatible sexually... then people cheat and relationships are broken...

 

And as for the "if you don't know by date six" logic...well, I've had guys try to hang out with me more than six times without any sort of indication they wanted exclusivity, and when I did eventually have sex, that didn't make them want to be exclusive. They continued sleeping around. So yeah, if you've got a guy taking you on six high-quality dates and staying in regular touch, then yes, you have a point. But if a guy is just keeping you in his rotation (I've found myself in "rotations" for longer than a year!!!) then this six-time thing is stupid! I actually made the mistake of thinking that because this particular man was so "high quality" I HAD to sleep with him or he would lose interest and move on. Nope. He just wasn't that interested to begin with. In fact, I think he LOST interest the less of a challenge I became and the less I required of him

 

If a guy wants to get you in his rotation doesn't matter if it is in the 6 or in the 200 date, not for waiting he will get committed to you after sex... it is such a wrong way of thinking!