Is waiting until the relationship is solid before having sex a thing of the past?

[ThomasD]

Well, I know many young women personally who do want exactly that. A decent man with morals. . . .

These women are not the majority. It is very difficult for any man to find a woman that believes this, actually sticks to it, is interested in him, and clicks with him.

 

I believe that it is equally hard to find a man like this.

Yes, it's difficult. That isn't the same as "impossible", and it doesn't mean there aren't benefits from finding such people.

[ThomasD]

One method would be to avoid private encounters, such as being in each other's homes alone, until clear boundaries and/or a solid relationship have/has been established.

 

Another method would be, at any time, state 'I'm not ready for this (whatever this is)'. There is no rule or law stating a passionate kiss must lead to PIV sex. It's a continuum of sexual/romantic behavior which can be stopped/concluded at any point if both partners are not in agreement/consenting.

 

If you generally prefer to have solid relationship parameters met before becoming sexual, that is something you can state/share far in advance of sexual activity being contemplated. This allows a potential partner to make an informed decision.

This general approach worked for us. A major factor was our agreement early on that it was desirable to wait.

[ThomasD]

. . . There is actually statistic that showed college students are split 50/50. Half are virgins or in committed, long-term relationships and half sleep around. . . .

Can you support this with a link, or citation for a published article?

[miss_jaclynrae]

(says the guy famous for double standards here...)

 

Oh, and... Recovering alcoholics 10+ years older than me aren't among my dating pool... But, hey, as long as she is happy... and I mean that...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Say what you want, but I would choose him over any young sober guy in a heartbeat.

My whole thing is that an amazing partner in life isn't found based on how long or how short they wait to have sex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The one thing I hope is that if someone is waiting, it's for the right reasons, not so that they don't "scare off" someone. Too many women worry that they had sex too soon and that's why the guy didn't stick around. When you own your sexual decisions and make them for yourself and not others, it makes it easy to find someone. Someone based on common moral grounds rather than games.

[joystickd]

Curious about all the 'power tool'/manipulation/'making the man wait'/exchanging sex for favours comments that tend to predominate threads like this. Especially when they are interlaced with exhortations to 'do what feels right to you instead'.

 

Well, what if what 'feels right' IS waiting?

 

Why do some of you think that if a woman chooses to wait, it's out of a desire to make YOU wait, or to manipulate you? Honestly, why is it so incomprehensible that some people, both men and women, genuinely choose to wait for themselves simply because they desire sex in a loving relationship and not with someone they've only met a few times? Because they don't enjoy sex with a person they barely know? Or out of concern for their sexual health, safety, and possible pregnancy consequences? Why is it always about the 'power'? Have people gotten so paranoid and jaded?

 

I have no issue with people choosing a compatible partner, even if compatible means 'must have sex with me by Date #2'. Really, as long as it's working out for you, great! I am sure the OP realizes that not every man is going to be compatible with her choices, nor should they be. But it's pretty sad that society has overcome the judgmental attitude towards premarital sex, only to replace it with an equally judgmental attitude towards the opposite. For myself, I am happy to have a compatible man who himself chose to wait, as I did, for various reasons, and I have not once suspected that he did it as a 'power game'.

It's hard to know what someone's intentions are. Then as a man you often hear the waiting "horror" stories. You know a guy meets someone and goes along with waiting because he genuinely likes the woman and he does it for a long time I knew a guy that did it for 2 years. The relationship ends and she meets a new guy and instantly takes him to bed. I know I have heard of this happening a few times. The question is now was she ever really into the guy. Men don't mind waiting but after a certain amount of time one begins to wonder.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

 

Oh, and... Recovering alcoholics 10+ years older than me aren't among my dating pool... But, hey, as long as she is happy... and I mean that...

 

That's very nasty.

 

You deserve what you get with men.

[Leigh 87]

It's not a power tool. Some women prefer not to have sex with strangers.

 

Really not any more complicated than that. Usually I find that the men who insist on early sex are the ones trying to use sex for manipulation themselves... they want to try and 'lock in' a woman emotionally by sex.

 

Basically, they are afraid to be known and have figured out that a lot of women will stick around after the fact (if the sex is good) no matter what garbage he's made of his life...

 

 

 

You could not be further from the truth.

 

Some decent men just enjoy sex.

 

Some decent women just want to have sex with a guy. Even after 2 dates! Shock horror.

 

I know plenty of loyal and loving couples who have sex early on. Because they felt like having sex. Not because that sleep with a lot of people ordinarily, because they have low standards, or because they lack integrity.

 

Red Robin, there are people who are humanitarians, altruistic, lovely and high quality; who ENJOY SEX without waiting before they are in a serious relationship!

 

Sleeping with a man after 3 dates has no correlation to that person sleeping around in general; they may just really like that one person? It does not mean they jump into bed with just any dude.

 

You are way too judgmental.

 

Your doing to severely limit yourself.

 

Your going to miss out on being around some wonderful people simply because of their sexual choices.

[Leigh 87]

going not doing* to limit yourself.

 

 

 

Anyway, I cannot believe how judgmental some people are.

 

Without being dude though, I realise red robin is probably a good person, but I find it a little off to discriminate against people in this manner.

 

Would you not be able to be friends with a women who had sex casually 4 times a year with different men, all on the 2nd date?

 

Because a women who does that may also want a loving and committed relationship in the exact same fashion that you wish for one. They just choose to enjoy sex with people in the meanwhile.

 

Just have a think about that. People who enjoy sex more liberally than you do, still have the same long term goal as you do, and some of them even have loving and commitment decent partners by now and yet you do not.

[Sunshine87]

People are different. I am emotional for example. I cannot have casual sex without getting attached. However, there are many women who can. It's wise to understand who you are as a person and what you need instead of subscribing to the rules/ policies of other people.

 

I'm going to give an example. The last relationship I was in: we got physical etc ( the whole yards) after a short while. But I was secure at the time. Things moved very fast and within a month I felt like he really really cared about me. I definitely took a risk/ gamble but deep down I felt at ease because he was really kind to me. So although we got physical ( sex) very early I.e after about a month and a half, it "felt" right then because WE had established a deep emotional connection. There were no questions

or doubts. I felt secure and loved and cherished. The relationship lasted over three years and ended VERY badly however. Very painfully.

 

I also had another "casual" relationship shortly after. But getting intimate

was so.....calculating. I did not feel secure. I did not put out and when he attempted to have sex several times, I just couldn't because I did not feel like there was an established emotional bond. It felt too casual. Looking

back, I can't say I really enjoyed the short time we spent together because it was fraught with a guy ( extremely sexual guy) who wanted to have sex

and tried numerous times and a woman who although sexual, dis not feel right about it and hence put out. I cannot do the casual thing. It takes away from my joy, my peace and my wholeness. It feels cheap. The

summary is: it took longer ( in terms of weeks for me to establish a physical relationship (which did not involve intercourse with this guy) whereas it took shorter with the first guy. It wasn't simply the "time

frame", but my intuition of when it felt right.

 

When I have kids, I would be an irresponsible mother if I advised my

daughter to go out there and just have sex. Have sex, dont wait, don't show any discretion- just have sex with anyone. I am not proposing games but I simply think that women need to slow down just a little bit. There is

nothing prude in taking your time.

 

If however, you love casual sex, then who am I to judge? I just don't work

that way. It is risky, potentially very heartbreaking and often unfulfilling.

It's not so much about being in a "serious" relationship, but how it feels for the woman. I.e whether or not she feels secure. Whether or not she is ready to become vulnerable.

Edited June 2, 2013 by Sunshine87

[sillyanswer]

Well, what if what 'feels right' IS waiting?

 

Then do that. Undoubtedly it is the best thing to do for some couples.

[Els]

It's hard to know what someone's intentions are. Then as a man you often hear the waiting "horror" stories. You know a guy meets someone and goes along with waiting because he genuinely likes the woman and he does it for a long time I knew a guy that did it for 2 years. The relationship ends and she meets a new guy and instantly takes him to bed. I know I have heard of this happening a few times. The question is now was she ever really into the guy. Men don't mind waiting but after a certain amount of time one begins to wonder.

 

Yes, if your partner has been having lots of casual sex and suddenly wants to 'wait' with you, it would be worth questioning their motives. To me, consistency would be important.

 

Then do that. Undoubtedly it is the best thing to do for some couples.

 

Oh, certainly. I was referring to the multitudes of posts in which people say 'Do what feels best! Don't wait!' - quite the contradictory bit of advice in that.

[joystickd]

Yes, if your partner has been having lots of casual sex and suddenly wants to 'wait' with you, it would be worth questioning their motives. To me, consistency would be important.

 

 

 

Oh, certainly. I was referring to the multitudes of posts in which people say 'Do what feels best! Don't wait!' - quite the contradictory bit of advice in that.

That's the thing men come across a lot of women that are not consistent.

[Els]

That's the thing men come across a lot of women that are not consistent.

 

How does this pertain to the topic? The OP seems to want to wait, period, not wait for some men and not for others.

[therhythm]

Curious about all the 'power tool'/manipulation/'making the man wait'/exchanging sex for favours comments that tend to predominate threads like this. Especially when they are interlaced with exhortations to 'do what feels right to you instead'.

 

Well, what if what 'feels right' IS waiting?

 

Why do some of you think that if a woman chooses to wait, it's out of a desire to make YOU wait, or to manipulate you? Honestly, why is it so incomprehensible that some people, both men and women, genuinely choose to wait for themselves simply because they desire sex in a loving relationship and not with someone they've only met a few times? Because they don't enjoy sex with a person they barely know? Or out of concern for their sexual health, safety, and possible pregnancy consequences? Why is it always about the 'power'? Have people gotten so paranoid and jaded?

 

I have no issue with people choosing a compatible partner, even if compatible means 'must have sex with me by Date #2'. Really, as long as it's working out for you, great! I am sure the OP realizes that not every man is going to be compatible with her choices, nor should they be. But it's pretty sad that society has overcome the judgmental attitude towards premarital sex, only to replace it with an equally judgmental attitude towards the opposite. For myself, I am happy to have a compatible man who himself chose to wait, as I did, for various reasons, and I have not once suspected that he did it as a 'power game'.

 

I actually totally agree with this post, everyone should look for a person compatible to them and that is it!

 

In my case there is a double issue here, if a woman doesn't actually feeling like having sex with me in 3 or 4 dates then there is a lack of chemistry and physical attraction that is basic for me in a relationship, if she actually is sexually attracted to me but she restrains from having sex then she is obviously not doing what she feels like doing but she is playing a game.

 

Actually if you think about it is pretty simple, when I date women we are almost incapable to take our hands of the other already in the first date and in second date it almost always happen that non of us want to stop... why would we if we are both physically and sexually attracted to each other?

 

I don't know why someone would want to go into a relationship when they are lacking the basic chemistry and sparks between them two, they can of course build a bond with dating by time but it will never be the same as with someone you can't take your hands off from minute 1

Edited June 2, 2013 by therhythm

[Els]

 

I don't know why someone would want to go into a relationship when they are lacking the basic chemistry and sparks between them two, they can of course build a bond with dating by time but it will never be the same as with someone you can't take your hands off from minute 1

 

Probably because of different definitions of 'chemistry' and what it takes to be attracted to someone. I have never met anyone, ever, whom I was genuinely attracted to 'from minute 1' (and I've met many men who are considered very stereotypically good-looking). No exceptions. Because my attraction is heavily dependent on intellect and personality, and those take time to reveal themselves. Sure, I'll appreciate eye candy when I see it, but that's not the same as actually feeling the desire to have sex with the person.

 

Not to mention that as rational beings, even if you felt like doing something, it might be wise to consider the repercussions before jumping into it. Obviously, repercussions would be different for different people and circumstances (a man who has had a vasectomy and has condoms on hand can probably have sex on Date 1 with minimal consequences), but I don't see why people are encouraged to practice discipline and consider consequences in many other areas, but to have sex with wild abandon. What's up with that?

[daisybuchanan55]

I think the issue I see most with people my age (college-20's, not sure how long into the 30's it lasts) is the following; I would like to hear from others here. Is this their experience/how would you react in this situation?

 

For the purposes of explaining I will use fictional people, Mary and Mike.

 

Mike meets Mary out at a bar and they chat all night, hitting it off. Mary goes off to her friends so excited that she finally met a nice guy. Mike texts her the next day to see "What she's up to" the following week.

 

They up deciding to meet for drinks on a Wednesday. Mike is a perfect gentleman and picks up the tab. The two make out and Mary restrains herself from going further even though she is physically attracted and so excited about this great guy.

 

Weekend rolls around. Friday night Mike texts her to see "What she's up to" that night. She REALLY wants to meet up with him and convinces her girlfriends to go to the bar Mike and his friends are at. They end up heavily making out and Mary goes home with him. They do everything BUT oral/regular sex.

 

Mary wakes up in the morning hoping Mike will want to go to breakfast with her, but he says something about having a practice for his recreational kickball league at 11am and instead walks her out to find a cab home. Mary gushes to her friends at brunch about what an awesome tmie she had with Mike and how she thinks they are heading for a relationship.

 

Later the next week, Mary texts Mike during the work day the name of a song he said he couldn't remember. They text back and forth all week.

 

Weekend rolls around and again Mike asks on Friday what she's up to. She feels like since he is initiating contact and they've hung out a few times and have been texting all week that he MUST really like her. Again she convinces her friends to meet up with him at a bar.

 

That night they have sex. The next morning they have sex again and cuddle for a bit. Then Mike has to go to kickball practice again.

 

This continues ON AND ON AND ON for WEEKS. Once in awhile they will go for breakfast or meet up with a group after work for drinks. The common theme is that every weekend they end up together, no fail.

 

She starts freaking out because she's having to text him more and more to get in touch, but tries not to worry because she thinks it's okay since they know each other pretty well by now and they "hang out" and see each other pretty frequently.

 

Mike mentions in passing that his sister is getting married in a few weeks. Mary is SO PUMPED because she thinks he will bring her as his date. Nope. He makes no mention of it. Mary is crushed. That Friday though, without fail, he asks her to meet up at a bar or invites her to a pregame at his buddy's house.

 

Eventually she ends up crying to her friends that she doesn't know what to do because Mike is being "distant" and how can she get him to be her actual boyfriend?

 

She decides to bring up the convo of "what are we" with Mike and he skirts the issue completely.

 

Eventually they stop hanging out and that's it.

 

I see this happen OVER AND OVER again. It's a serial problem for people in their 20's...hook-up culture.

 

If we go with therhythm's advice and just have sex when we feel the "spark," this is often what happens! It's easy to feel the spark when you're with someone exciting and new, but how much of that is based on excitement and how much is based on reality?

 

The above scenario is why I choose to hold off on sex for a bit. Had this happen WAYYY too many times.

 

Thoughts?

[therhythm]

I think the issue I see most with people my age (college-20's, not sure how long into the 30's it lasts) is the following; I would like to hear from others here. Is this their experience/how would you react in this situation?

 

For the purposes of explaining I will use fictional people, Mary and Mike.

 

Mike meets Mary out at a bar and they chat all night, hitting it off. Mary goes off to her friends so excited that she finally met a nice guy. Mike texts her the next day to see "What she's up to" the following week.

 

They up deciding to meet for drinks on a Wednesday. Mike is a perfect gentleman and picks up the tab. The two make out and Mary restrains herself from going further even though she is physically attracted and so excited about this great guy.

 

Weekend rolls around. Friday night Mike texts her to see "What she's up to" that night. She REALLY wants to meet up with him and convinces her girlfriends to go to the bar Mike and his friends are at. They end up heavily making out and Mary goes home with him. They do everything BUT oral/regular sex.

 

Mary wakes up in the morning hoping Mike will want to go to breakfast with her, but he says something about having a practice for his recreational kickball league at 11am and instead walks her out to find a cab home. Mary gushes to her friends at brunch about what an awesome tmie she had with Mike and how she thinks they are heading for a relationship.

 

Later the next week, Mary texts Mike during the work day the name of a song he said he couldn't remember. They text back and forth all week.

 

Weekend rolls around and again Mike asks on Friday what she's up to. She feels like since he is initiating contact and they've hung out a few times and have been texting all week that he MUST really like her. Again she convinces her friends to meet up with him at a bar.

 

That night they have sex. The next morning they have sex again and cuddle for a bit. Then Mike has to go to kickball practice again.

 

This continues ON AND ON AND ON for WEEKS. Once in awhile they will go for breakfast or meet up with a group after work for drinks. The common theme is that every weekend they end up together, no fail.

 

She starts freaking out because she's having to text him more and more to get in touch, but tries not to worry because she thinks it's okay since they know each other pretty well by now and they "hang out" and see each other pretty frequently.

 

Mike mentions in passing that his sister is getting married in a few weeks. Mary is SO PUMPED because she thinks he will bring her as his date. Nope. He makes no mention of it. Mary is crushed. That Friday though, without fail, he asks her to meet up at a bar or invites her to a pregame at his buddy's house.

 

Eventually she ends up crying to her friends that she doesn't know what to do because Mike is being "distant" and how can she get him to be her actual boyfriend?

 

She decides to bring up the convo of "what are we" with Mike and he skirts the issue completely.

 

Eventually they stop hanging out and that's it.

 

I see this happen OVER AND OVER again. It's a serial problem for people in their 20's...hook-up culture.

 

If we go with therhythm's advice and just have sex when we feel the "spark," this is often what happens! It's easy to feel the spark when you're with someone exciting and new, but how much of that is based on excitement and how much is based on reality?

 

The above scenario is why I choose to hold off on sex for a bit. Had this happen WAYYY too many times.

 

Thoughts?

 

What I think is that Mary is taking a lot of assumptions without communicating and lady communication is the key here.

This is worse case scenario because Mary and Mike are not looking for the same and Mary has got invested in Mike. If they speak at the beginning they could both know that they are not looking for the same and then they can then decide to keep having sex just for fun or to not have sex anymore as it is clear that one of them is much more invested than the other.

 

Let me now reverse the situation...

 

Mike really likes Mary, she is one of those beautiful ladies who attract attention of the guys easy and Mike is very happy that she has accepted to go in a date with him.They both talk about many things and find out that have lots on common.

 

Mike is a gentlemen and drives Mary at the end of the date to her house,Mary gives him a goodbye kiss and he is happy, she seems to be also into him!

 

Mike initiate a couple of times texts during the week and Mary answers always quite fast, Mike propose to have a new date in the weekend and Mary accepts.

Mary explains Mike that she wants to wait on having sex till they are in a real relationship, Mike actually had not even thought about the possibility of having sex with her and he has no problem on waiting to have sex till she is comfortable with it.

After a couple of months of dating Mary seems to be a bit more distant, she does not answer his texts as quick as she used to and she has canceled the last two dates they had planned.

Mary calls Mike and tell him that she needs to talk to him...

 

Mary explain him that "it is not him is her", that she is not ready for a relationship at this moment but they can still be friends.

 

Mike heart is broken but maybe Mary just needs some time, after all they have loved so much each other, that can't end from one day to another...

 

Next Saturday Mike sees Mary making out with another guy in the dance floor of the discotheque... She was never that passionate with him.. Mike can't understand what is happening!

 

Mary leaves the party with that new guy to her house and has sex with him.

Mike has expended months of his life to be friendzoned and to see how another guy has got in one night what he didn't get all those months...

 

As you see... the history of Mary and Mike can be written in different ways... then why just not be natural and follow what your heart and nature is telling you?

[Phoebe]

Is she being a perfect lady by cleaning his house and cooking him dinner? That's usually where it goes wrong for me, I'll hold open doors and lift heavy objects but when it comes to her being a lady that's a big no no.

 

So she's relegated to just being the hookup.

 

So in return for doors being held open and heavy objects lifted a woman is supposed to become someone's personal maid and cook? How early is this supposed to happen? After the 3rd date? A month?

[daisybuchanan55]

Agreed--I wish communication were that easy!!!

 

But what I've found is that if I even bring up the POSSIBILITY of me wanting a relationship when I'm first hanging out with a guy, he runs in the other direction!

 

The only time I've had the scenario work out like your Mike and Mary story was with my first boyfriend at 18 years old. I was a virgin and he wasn't, so he understood me wanting to be in a relationship and waiting to have sex.

 

I feel like if I said I'm not comfortable having sex until I'm in a relationship NOW, the guy would think, "WTF? I thought we were just going for a beer!"

 

And btw...I won't lie, I have friendzoned guys who have been really nice and considerate to me and who I have declined sleeping with, only to run to some new dude and sleep with him fairly quickly. The brutal part is that the relationship with the new guy rarely works out, whereas the first guy probably would've been a good boyfriend.

 

My reason for not sleeping with the first guy is, like you said, lack of passion/attraction/interest. But the reason he starts liking me so much I believe is because I set boundaries and forced us to get to know each other.

 

I try to apply those same principles to guys I actually like. It is REALLY HARD. When I really like someone, I want to sleep with them ASAP! I just try to protect myself because I get super attached and emotional when I have sex and it's not worth it to me to get heartbroken.

[therhythm]

Agreed--I wish communication were that easy!!!

 

It is easy, you just need to be totally upfront with what your expectations are, it works very good for me

 

But what I've found is that if I even bring up the POSSIBILITY of me wanting a relationship when I'm first hanging out with a guy, he runs in the other direction!

It depends how you say that and when, you should bring it up slowly but very clear in your conversations. And if they guy is not interested then you are better off if he runs from you

 

The only time I've had the scenario work out like your Mike and Mary story was with my first boyfriend at 18 years old. I was a virgin and he wasn't, so he understood me wanting to be in a relationship and waiting to have sex.

 

Exactly so how do you think your first boyfriend will react when another woman wants to make him wait???

 

I feel like if I said I'm not comfortable having sex until I'm in a relationship NOW, the guy would think, "WTF? I thought we were just going for a beer!"

 

It again it comes down to what you want to achieve with a guy, if you like a guy for a relationship but you would not mind to have some casual sex with him either then you can wait a bit to bring up the fact that you don't want to keep being a booty call forever and if you would only want to have sex if he is really meaning business you need to be very upfront from the beginning!

 

And btw...I won't lie, I have friendzoned guys who have been really nice and considerate to me and who I have declined sleeping with, only to run to some new dude and sleep with him fairly quickly. The brutal part is that the relationship with the new guy rarely works out, whereas the first guy probably would've been a good boyfriend.

 

My reason for not sleeping with the first guy is, like you said, lack of passion/attraction/interest. But the reason he starts liking me so much I believe is because I set boundaries and forced us to get to know each other.

 

You are actually proofing three of my points with this:

a) That you don't have sex with those guys because lack of chemistry and physical attraction

b) That you use sex with those guys as a tool to get them invested on you.

c) The guy who waits for sex has a bigger chance to be frienzoned that the one who doesn't.

 

Besides that and for your information those guys didn't get that invested on you because you didn't have sex with you but because they probably lack the experience to understand that you were not that much into them.

 

I try to apply those same principles to guys I actually like. It is REALLY HARD. When I really like someone, I want to sleep with them ASAP! I just try to protect myself because I get super attached and emotional when I have sex and it's not worth it to me to get heartbroken.

 

That is the thing, if you are really into a guy you won't wait for sex because you also want to have sex, it is easy to wait for sex when you don't have the urge of having it and the guys you like are not easy to ask them to wait simply because they won't go with it and will look for someone with a bit more open minded.

[therhythm]

In case you guys missed that, if she's not sleeping with you it's because there's no chemistry. Just like we've been saying.

 

If you're alright with waiting I hope you enjoy your friendship.

 

Actually that is a sad truth in the majority of the cases.... at least she has been honest about it!

[Sunshine87]

I think the issue I see most with people my age (college-20's, not sure how long into the 30's it lasts) is the following; I would like to hear from others here. Is this their experience/how would you react in this situation?

 

For the purposes of explaining I will use fictional people, Mary and Mike.

 

Mike meets Mary out at a bar and they chat all night, hitting it off. Mary goes off to her friends so excited that she finally met a nice guy. Mike texts her the next day to see "What she's up to" the following week.

 

They up deciding to meet for drinks on a Wednesday. Mike is a perfect gentleman and picks up the tab. The two make out and Mary restrains herself from going further even though she is physically attracted and so excited about this great guy.

 

Weekend rolls around. Friday night Mike texts her to see "What she's up to" that night. She REALLY wants to meet up with him and convinces her girlfriends to go to the bar Mike and his friends are at. They end up heavily making out and Mary goes home with him. They do everything BUT oral/regular sex.

 

Mary wakes up in the morning hoping Mike will want to go to breakfast with her, but he says something about having a practice for his recreational kickball league at 11am and instead walks her out to find a cab home. Mary gushes to her friends at brunch about what an awesome tmie she had with Mike and how she thinks they are heading for a relationship.

 

Later the next week, Mary texts Mike during the work day the name of a song he said he couldn't remember. They text back and forth all week.

 

Weekend rolls around and again Mike asks on Friday what she's up to. She feels like since he is initiating contact and they've hung out a few times and have been texting all week that he MUST really like her. Again she convinces her friends to meet up with him at a bar.

 

That night they have sex. The next morning they have sex again and cuddle for a bit. Then Mike has to go to kickball practice again.

 

This continues ON AND ON AND ON for WEEKS. Once in awhile they will go for breakfast or meet up with a group after work for drinks. The common theme is that every weekend they end up together, no fail.

 

She starts freaking out because she's having to text him more and more to get in touch, but tries not to worry because she thinks it's okay since they know each other pretty well by now and they "hang out" and see each other pretty frequently.

 

Mike mentions in passing that his sister is getting married in a few weeks. Mary is SO PUMPED because she thinks he will bring her as his date. Nope. He makes no mention of it. Mary is crushed. That Friday though, without fail, he asks her to meet up at a bar or invites her to a pregame at his buddy's house.

 

Eventually she ends up crying to her friends that she doesn't know what to do because Mike is being "distant" and how can she get him to be her actual boyfriend?

 

She decides to bring up the convo of "what are we" with Mike and he skirts the issue completely.

 

Eventually they stop hanging out and that's it.

 

I see this happen OVER AND OVER again. It's a serial problem for people in their 20's...hook-up culture.

 

If we go with therhythm's advice and just have sex when we feel the "spark," this is often what happens! It's easy to feel the spark when you're with someone exciting and new, but how much of that is based on excitement and how much is based on reality?

 

The above scenario is why I choose to hold off on sex for a bit. Had this happen WAYYY too many times.

 

Thoughts?

 

Thoughts? I wish I could kiss you right now lol! Once again, you've managed to convey!! Spot on! The hook-up culture. I'm in my 20's too and this is what a lot of women in my generation go through. This is exactly how I felt with the other guy I wrote about earlier on. I did not fele at peace because it was sort of obvious what he wanted. With the other ex, he was emotional and clear from the start about what he wanted- a serious relationship and not a hook up.

 

I can't imagine how ****ty a woman must feel after having been through various "hook-ups" only to get burned! Sometimes you just get sick of it and decide to take wiser steps. Not implying that the guy should know from the on-set that he wants a serious relationship because sometimes people grow into themselves. But the scenario above is pretty much what a lot of girls find themselves in- so much heartache and pain while the guy runs off with another "hook-up" like nothing ever happened.

 

If you as a woman can handle hook-ups and the drain that comes with it, then fine. I sure can't. I'm not a sex addict so I can say no to sex if the other aspects necessary for fulfilment and satisfaction, are missing! Lol. It's not THAT serious.

[joystickd]

How does this pertain to the topic? The OP seems to want to wait, period, not wait for some men and not for others.

If she is consistent then cool, but most of the time you deal with inconsistent women. Men don't have a problem with waiting they have a problem with the inconsistency.

[daisybuchanan55]

I go for the same types of guys over and over again and constantly make the same mistakes with them. I think I can turn a bad boy, cocky, highly-desired player into a commited boyfriend. Hasn't happened yet. I haven't had an actual boyfriend in four years, but trust me, I've had plenty of what I described above.

 

I also continuously turn down "nice guys" who would probably make great boyfriends just because there's no excitement or spark there and the entire relationship feels, from the getgo, super boring and lacking passion. I am addicted to "the challenge."

 

The ironic part is that once I remove myself from the hooking up and we go our separate ways, a few months go by and I will, without fail, hear from these guys again. Because I'm not sexually involved anymore I can revert back to my witty, bitchy self and give them a piece of my mind, and they usually end up apologizing for being a dick and saying that it's too bad we don't live in the same place because he'd love to take me out on a nice date.

[daisybuchanan55]

If she is consistent then cool, but most of the time you deal with inconsistent women. Men don't have a problem with waiting they have a problem with the inconsistency.

 

Unless you're in the same social circle or discussing your previous relationships or keeping in contact with someone you're no longer seeing, how would you know if the girl who was stringing you along all of a sudden was having sex with a new guy?