Is waiting until the relationship is solid before having sex a thing of the past?

[Star Gazer]

I've never faked an orgasm.

 

Neither have I. What's the point?

[KungFuJoe]

No, no "no matter what." It really depends.

 

If you're more sexually "free" (as you seem to be), then yes, if a guy ditches you after sexing you right away, then he's not the right guy for you.

 

But if you're using sex as a way to catch a man, thinking sex = love, thinking that sex = relationship, then the guy who would/might be right for you, still might bail.

 

You can't just throw this laissez-faire attitude towards sex, whether that's with waiting or doing it right away. Sex changes things. To say it doesn't, is just...wrong. For those who want it right away, not getting it changes things. For those who want a more cautious and discerning woman, having it right away changes things. Even when the desire and the action match, it changes things.

 

Basically what you're saying is a woman might meet "Mr. Right", have sex right away, and then turn him off due to having sex too soon, right?

 

My answer to that is...then he isn't Mr. Right because he obviously isn't compatible. He's too judgmental for her and a relationship with someone like that will never work for a woman who is more open about sex.

 

My wife and I first had sex within hours. That was over 17 years ago. It obviously did not affect how I felt about her. And that's why I'm the right person for her. If I was someone who would judge her for that, then I would not be the right person. She's a very sexual person, as am I.

 

I'm sure there are men who wouldn't appreciate my wife's attitude towards sex. And I'm sure there are women who wouldn't appreciate mine. But that's why we're not with anyone else.

[Star Gazer]

Basically what you're saying is a woman might meet "Mr. Right", have sex right away, and then turn him off due to having sex too soon, right?

 

No. Re-read what I said.

 

If she's sexually free, and he walks because of her liberation, then he's not Mr. Right because she ALSO needs someone who's sexually free.

 

But if she's using sex - as soooooo many women do, particularly young women - NOT because she's sexually free/comfortable, but to snag a man, to manipulate him into a relationship, and he bails because he's turned off by her not-really-sexually-free just insecure-and-using-sex-as-a-tool thing, then she'll never know if he was Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong.

 

So, my point was... depends on WHY you're having sex, which goes back to the very first post, the OP, where the very important point was made: a woman's decision to have sex shouldn't depend on WHEN, but WHY.

[KungFuJoe]

No. Re-read what I said.

 

If she's sexually free, and he walks because of her liberation, then he's not Mr. Right because she ALSO needs someone who's sexually free.

 

But if she's using sex - as soooooo many women do, particularly young women - to snag a man, to manipulate him into a relationship, and he bails because he's turned off by her not-really-sexually-free just insecure-and-using-sex-as-a-tool thing, then she'll never know if he was Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong.

 

So, my point was... depends on WHY you're having sex, which goes back to the very first post, the OP, where the very important point was made: a woman's decision to have sex shouldn't depend on WHEN, but WHY.

 

Ok...then I guess we are agreeing with each other then.

 

On your second example...a woman using sex as a tool...there is NO Mr. Right for someone like that. Someone like that is incapable of a healthy relationship and should be avoided like the plague.

[Star Gazer]

Ok...then I guess we are agreeing with each other then.

 

On your second example...a woman using sex as a tool...there is NO Mr. Right for someone like that. Someone like that is incapable of a healthy relationship and should be avoided like the plague.

 

I agree.

 

I think far too many girls "give up" sex thinking that they HAVE to in order to "keep" the guy. That almost always fails for these girls, because they're using sex as a tool... so even with the guys who are totally fine with early sex (you, Rhythm), they intuitively pick up on it, that she wasn't really comfortable, that it wasn't what she really wanted, that she's not that open to early sex, that they're not on the same sexual wavelength... and it's after THAT sex that these guys - most guys - bail, leading the girl to believe, "Oh, see, if I have sex too soon, they bail! Can't do that again!"

 

It's a never ending cycle for these girls, until they start owning their sexuality and following their own comfort level and finding a partner who matches that comfort level.

[BluEyeL]

Neither have I. What's the point?

 

You're just teaching the guy that what he's doing wrong is right:D

[Star Gazer]

You're just teaching the guy that what he's doing wrong is right:D

 

Exactly.

 

If it's a ONS (which I haven't had, let's just say for argument's sake) or a casual fling, why bother boosting his ego when he didn't get me off?

 

If it's a relationship, fledgling or long-term, I want him to know what to do *to* get me off, and when his tricks don't work.

 

Faking would do me a disservice. No thanks!

[Seductive]

However, I am starting to think I could lose out on this great guy I am seeing simply because I want to wait.

 

 

 

 

 

My trusted good guy friends said that they don't see waiting as prudish. My experience tells me that a man that adores you won't mind waiting.

 

The number one relationship killer is incompatibility. If a man sees you as prudish, then you two aren't compatible. I don't know about you, but forcing myself to have sex out of fear won't feel good for me. I would imagine a good man wants the woman to feel pleasure. If I were a man, I wouldn't like it knowing that the woman is just having sex on the first few dates b/c everyone else is doing it. I want my partner to have sex, because they genuinely want it and enjoy it.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I think when you are older, you may view this differently. If I had sex with every male there was mutual sexual attraction, I'd probably have been with well over 100 men by now! I've ALWAYS been able to know before having sex with someone that it would be great sex by how things were before we actually got there. For some women, having dozens upon dozens of sexual partners is no big thing but for me? I'd prefer to reserve actual sex for someone where there is long-term potential.

I don't know where dozens came into Play, I'm not saying sleep with anyone, I'm just saying women should stop worrying about what the man thinks when it comes to the timing of having sex.

 

 

 

I've dated many men an not had sex, I'm just saying I have never held out because I was worried he would ditch me after. If we did it then great, trust me when I say that a majority of men I have been with I had hoped would be long term partners. Some not so much, but all I'm saying is do it because you want to or don't do it because you don't want to.

[miss_jaclynrae]

No, no "no matter what." It really depends.

 

If you're more sexually "free" (as you seem to be), then yes, if a guy ditches you after sexing you right away, then he's not the right guy for you.

 

But if you're using sex as a way to catch a man, thinking sex = love, thinking that sex = relationship, then the guy who would/might be right for you, still might bail.

 

You can't just throw this laissez-faire attitude towards sex, whether that's with waiting or doing it right away. Sex changes things. To say it doesn't, is just...wrong. For those who want it right away, not getting it changes things. For those who want a more cautious and discerning woman, having it right away changes things. Even when the desire and the action match, it changes things.

 

 

 

You didn't read my previous posts. I agree, sex shouldn't be used as a tool, I've been saying that all along.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am pretty laid back about sex, but that is because I own my actions. Not only that but I have never used it as a tool. I found an amazing man who I slept with after knowing for a week and it was the best thing ever. I never once tried to force anything and that is what made it do beautiful.

 

 

 

 

I never once said it was bad to wait, I think it's bad to wait for the wrong reasons.

[Star Gazer]

You didn't read my previous posts.

 

You obviously didn't really read the one you quoted.

 

You said, "The right one sticks around no matter what."

 

And I said, "No, no 'no matter what.'"

 

It depends. It depends on WHY you're having sex. You very well could have the perfect guy for you right under your nose, and if you're using sex as a tool, you will lose him. No guy wants a girl who uses sex as a tool, not Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong.

 

So yeah, "no matter what" - doesn't work.

[tbf]

Female sexuality is a lot more complex than male sexuality. Uncertain of other women but I can be sexually attracted but not be sufficiently comfortable enough to engage in sex. Until that level of comfort is reached, sex isn't going to happen, regardless of how overwhelming the sexual chemistry.

 

As far as the definition of "comfortable", this will vary per woman.

[Seductive]

Female sexuality is a lot more complex than male sexuality. Uncertain of other women but I can be sexually attracted but not be sufficiently comfortable enough to engage in sex. Until that level of comfort is reached, sex isn't going to happen, regardless of how overwhelming the sexual chemistry.

 

As far as the definition of "comfortable", this will vary per woman.

 

A woman can look at a hot guy and feel sexual attraction, but her body may not be quite ready.

 

I've only been able to have pleasurable penis in vagina sex with people that I fell in love with and trusted. If my body can sense that you're the wrong guy, it's not going to happen. And, I can't force my body to suddenly open up.

 

I agree that female sexuality is complex and unique for every woman. The man that understands this wins my respect.

[tbf]

I've only been able to have pleasurable penis in vagina sex with people that I fell in love with and trusted. If my body can sense that you're the wrong guy, it's not going to happen. And, I can't force my body to suddenly open up.

As a guess, this is why it's easy for me to reach orgasm, whether through penetrative sex or clitorally. The comfort level was reached prior to engaging.

[tbf]

Unless they happen to bump into George Clooney.

Is it possible that George Clooney gives good comfort?

[carhill]

And of course men are never complex sexually or emotionally. What claptrap.

[Seductive]

And of course men are never complex sexually or emotionally. What claptrap.

 

I would agree that they can be different too. Some men can't orgasm through blowjobs. Some men can't orgasm during one night stands. Some men have a lower sex drive than their female partner. Some men are vanilla and aren't into the kinky stuff in porn. Some men are stereotypically the highly sexual man that the media portrays.

 

I usually laugh in my head when I hear women say "All men are sex-crazed pigs."

[tbf]

And of course men are never complex sexually or emotionally. What claptrap.

Nowhere have I stated that male sexuality can't be complex.

 

But Pfizer's study agrees that female sexuality is more complex than male sexuality, as a generality.

 

Inconclusive results from Viagra studies in women do not support regulatory filing - Drugs.com MedNews

[sillyanswer]

I agree.

 

I think far too many girls "give up" sex thinking that they HAVE to in order to "keep" the guy. That almost always fails for these girls, because they're using sex as a tool... so even with the guys who are totally fine with early sex (you, Rhythm), they intuitively pick up on it, that she wasn't really comfortable, that it wasn't what she really wanted, that she's not that open to early sex, that they're not on the same sexual wavelength... and it's after THAT sex that these guys - most guys - bail, leading the girl to believe, "Oh, see, if I have sex too soon, they bail! Can't do that again!"

 

This is a great post, SG.

[KungFuJoe]

You obviously didn't really read the one you quoted.

 

You said, "The right one sticks around no matter what."

 

And I said, "No, no 'no matter what.'"

 

It depends. It depends on WHY you're having sex. You very well could have the perfect guy for you right under your nose, and if you're using sex as a tool, you will lose him. No guy wants a girl who uses sex as a tool, not Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong.

 

So yeah, "no matter what" - doesn't work.

 

I don't think jaclynrae is the type of woman who uses sex as a tool. She has sex because she WANTS to have sex, and that's pretty much it.

 

And considering she is with someone she is crazy about, I'd say whatever she's been doing has worked pretty well for her.

[Star Gazer]

I don't think jaclynrae is the type of woman who uses sex as a tool. She has sex because she WANTS to have sex, and that's pretty much it.

 

And considering she is with someone she is crazy about, I'd say whatever she's been doing has worked pretty well for her.

 

I'm not questioning HER actions.

 

Can't anyone read?

 

I said, SHE said, "The right one sticks around no matter what."

 

That bolded part, that's just not true, for the reasons I've repeated several times in this thread, and to which you've already agreed.

 

Also, it worked for her with her current BF, but she's also said that she's done it with several other guys she WANTED relationships with, and they bailed. So, it also hasn't worked for her.

[KungFuJoe]

I'm not questioning HER actions.

 

Can't anyone read?

 

I said, SHE said, "The right one sticks around no matter what."

 

That bolded part, that's just not true, for the reasons I've repeated several times in this thread, and to which you've already agreed.

 

Also, it worked for her with her current BF, but she's also said that she's done it with several other guys she WANTED relationships with, and they bailed. So, it also hasn't worked for her.

 

Ah...my mistake again

[Star Gazer]

Okay guys. Dissect this one.

 

Just started seeing a new guy, been on two dates. He had thought I wasn't really interested after the first date (my fault, my bad, kinda), but plugged ahead anyway.

 

First date was just a hug goodbye. On the second date, wound up back at his place. We made out on the couch. Then he got up and took my hand, and started leading me to the bedroom, with the announcement, "We are NOT having sex." I said, "Oh, is that right?" And he said, "Yup." We made out some more. It was hot, hot, hot. I forget the exact words, but at some point he started to talk off my top and I stopped him, and he said, "All good things in time, right?" (using my quote from earlier about something silly) and I said, "Eventually" and he said, "Sooooon." He seemed pained. I don't recall his exact question, but he also asked or said something about having sex, and I said something to explain that I wasn't ready, and he said, "Wrong answer, but the right answer. "

 

Truth is, I was on my period, so sex was going to be a no-go, regardless... it's easy to say no to first time sex when you're bleeding! But if I hadn't been on my period, I don't know that I would have been able to resist him... and I'm not sure I would have wanted to.

 

We've had some playful text banter this weekend (he's out of town for work), but he hasn't brought up another date/hang out yet. I suggested we get together tonight, but he responded that he'll still be gone.

 

Sex is very important to me, and it appears that it's really important to him as well... and yet, I can't tell from his, "Wrong answer, but the right answer" comment whether he expects or WANTS me to wait. Normally, I'm a "wait until exclusivity before sex" girl, but lately I've been rethinking that, because it goes against my natural carnal instincts. And, the next time we see each other (I'm assuming we will), I kinda really want to mount him. It's been a while since I've had PIV, and it's probably been even longer since I've been so carnally attracted to a man, and he's just sooooo sexy.

 

I'm still dating other people (honestly, just to keep my options open and not get attached and too focused on one person, which I have a tendency to do), and I assume he is doing the same when he has time. And yet, I also know that the moment I have sex with him, I'll become attached to him.

 

What's a girl to do in a situation like this?

[ltjg45]

I guess all I can say is to just wait until your next date. There isn't much more you can really do.

 

Just have to hope he didn't forget about you after that evening.

 

I also don't understand the "Wrong answer but the right answer" comment either. It's like he is saying that you made a right choice in your own interests but yet it is the wrong choice when it comes to his own interests.

 

It's a double-edged sword. Feels like a lose-lose answer for you.

[Star Gazer]

I guess all I can say is to just wait until your next date. There isn't much more you can really do.

 

Just have to hope he didn't forget about you after that evening.

 

I also don't understand the "Wrong answer but the right answer" comment either. It's like he is saying that you made a right choice in your own interests but yet it is the wrong choice when it comes to his own interests.

 

It's a double-edged sword. Feels like a lose-lose answer for you.

 

Yeah, it does, doesn't it.

 

After the first date, he thought I wasn't interested because (1) I didn't want him to walk me up to my place (it was a mess, I was traveling a lot and my suitcase was an explosion in the middle of my living room!), and (2) he'd suggested we get together the very next day, but I couldn't because I already had plans, and I didn't suggest an alternative because he was leaving for work for over a week, and I figured we'd get together when he got back... which we did.

 

So, I think he's received some mixed signals as well, although unintentionally. I've tried to cure those.

 

But yeah, I'm not sure which guy he is... the wants me to wait, or the wants the sexy time.