Is waiting until the relationship is solid before having sex a thing of the past?

[RedRobin]

We knew OF each other. In high school. Spoke maybe three times...few random encounters that lasted maybe a couple minutes. We didn't even exchange names.

 

That was during the latter part of my senior year. After I graduated, I didn't see her for four years. We didn't have common friends nor did we run in the same circles. I pretty much thought I'd never see her again and the same with her.

 

There was no getting to know each other or courting her all those years. When we bumped into each other again that fateful day four years later, we might as well have been strangers.

 

Yes, there was a very strong mutual physical attraction between us (that was apparent even back in high school) but we knew nothing of each other.

 

Anyways...I don't see how that doesn't apply. The premise of this thread is that having sex too early can be detrimental to the chances of a relationship being successful. And I say that is most definitely not the case. I don't think there is such a thing as too early. As long as you do what feels right and don't use sex as a tool.

 

Thanks for clarifying... You may not have had common friends, but you still had a sense of her crowd and she yours. There is no way around that in HS.

 

Anyway, back to the topic... IMHO, the 'using sex as a tool' argument is a bogeyman some guys make up to pressure/bully women into having sex before they are ready. Not much different than the 'golddigger' bogeyman.

 

Anything can be used as a tool if a person has that mindset. What I object to are people who insist that anyone who doesn't jump into the sack ASAP is by default using sex as a tool... I personally believe lots of men use early sex as a tool too... to try and lock in a woman emotionally before she gets a chance to know them... It works both ways.

 

When the truth is, some of us just don't like having sex with strangers and prefer (what I consider) a well-balanced form of intimacy that absolutely has zero to do with game playing or 'tools' of any kind.

 

Also, I (and the man I'd ideally choose) have a lot to lose by having sex with the wrong sort of person. It's just not worth it for some random with questionable potential.

[KungFuJoe]

Thanks for clarifying... You may not have had common friends, but you still had a sense of her crowd and she yours. There is no way around that in HS.

 

Anyway, back to the topic... IMHO, the 'using sex as a tool' argument is a bogeyman some guys make up to pressure/bully women into having sex before they are ready. Not much different than the 'golddigger' bogeyman.

 

Anything can be used as a tool if a person has that mindset. What I object to are people who insist that anyone who doesn't jump into the sack ASAP is by default using sex as a tool... I personally believe lots of men use early sex as a tool too... to try and lock in a woman emotionally before she gets a chance to know them... It works both ways.

 

When the truth is, some of us just don't like having sex with strangers and prefer (what I consider) a well-balanced form of intimacy that absolutely has zero to do with game playing or 'tools' of any kind.

 

Also, I (and the man I'd ideally choose) have a lot to lose by having sex with the wrong sort of person. It's just not worth it for some random with questionable potential.

 

It's not worth it for YOU, which is my whole point.

 

But no one can say it's not for everyone or that in general, it's a bad thing.

 

It all depends on who you are as a person and what you want.

 

As in most of these relationship/love discussions, I stand by the opinion that there are no rules. No guidelines. No standards. The human psyche is too varied and diverse for any common set of "laws" to apply.

 

All you can really do is have an open mind, an open heart, and be true and honest to YOURSELF. Then you just let the chips fall where they may and hope for the best.

[iris219]

I have never, not once, had a man who was interested in a relationship with me push for sex immediately.

[miss_jaclynrae]

It's not worth it for YOU, which is my whole point.

 

But no one can say it's not for everyone or that in general, it's a bad thing.

 

It all depends on who you are as a person and what you want.

 

As in most of these relationship/love discussions, I stand by the opinion that there are no rules. No guidelines. No standards. The human psyche is too varied and diverse for any common set of "laws" to apply.

 

All you can really do is have an open mind, an open heart, and be true and honest to YOURSELF. Then you just let the chips fall where they may and hope for the best.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Perfectly put.

[Els]

I have never, not once, had a man who was interested in a relationship with me push for sex immediately.

 

Yeah, someone who pushes for it would definitely be a no-no, IMO. If two people want to get into it mutually, more power to them, but a guy who senses that a woman isn't ready and yet pushes for it raises all sorts of red flags. With all the guys I've been with, I knew they were ready, but they respectfully waited for my 'invitation'. Just the way I like it.

[Drseussgrrl]

I have never, not once, had a man who was interested in a relationship with me push for sex immediately.

 

All the dudes who I've been in relationships with couldn't wait to get me in the sack. My ex-fiance, who I was with for four years, and I had sex on the third date, about a week after meeting.

 

The next day we went out for breakfast and that was that.

[Seductive]

Yeah, someone who pushes for it would definitely be a no-no, IMO. If two people want to get into it mutually, more power to them, but a guy who senses that a woman isn't ready and yet pushes for it raises all sorts of red flags. With all the guys I've been with, I knew they were ready, but they respectfully waited for my 'invitation'. Just the way I like it.

 

Same. This is what I was trying to tell the poster rhythm. Pushing doesn't make you a sexual person. It's anti-seductive, because it's turning the other person off. Being respectful for the invitation, yet knowing how to exude sexuality, is the winner.

[elisee8d]

I don't think that it's unrealistic to assume a guy isn't right for you if he won't wait... I think it's ridiculous to assume anything else! A guy who isn't willing to respect your wanting to wait WOULDN'T be a good guy for you. If he can't wait for that, then he isn't worth it. I'd rather be with someone who would respect my wishes and be happy enough with me that he's willing to wait too, regardless if whether he's getting sex or not.

[iris219]

All the dudes who I've been in relationships with couldn't wait to get me in the sack. My ex-fiance, who I was with for four years, and I had sex on the third date, about a week after meeting.

 

The next day we went out for breakfast and that was that.

 

Being eager to have sex and pushing for it immediately are two entirely different things.

 

Pushing for sex when it's clear the woman isn't ready is a problem. A man who cares about you won't want you to do anything you might regret just because he's horny.

[Drseussgrrl]

Being eager to have sex and pushing for it immediately are two entirely different things.

 

Pushing for sex when it's clear the woman isn't ready is a problem. A man who cares about you won't want you to do anything you might regret just because he's horny.

 

Well I haven't been "pushed" for sex since high school. Sex is just a natural progression between two people who are dating and attracted to each other, and it's fun. With that said, the guy I'm dating now said more than once that he didn't want to do anything I wasn't comfortable with, but welp we boinked on the 5th date LOL.

 

I really think people on this forum think way too much about "When do we have sex" and "When are we exclusive" and "When do you say I love you." It just happens when it's supposed to.

 

*shrugs*

[Seductive]

Hahahah, probably not. Otherwise I'd question how the American race could have become so numerous.

 

The girls I was talking to were describing their first times, presumably as teenagers. So I guess I'd generalize that, at the most, to mean that the young Western women don't usually have good experiences with young men...

 

I have friends in their late 20's that are telling me how their first date sex nights are "Wham, bam thank you maam". Some of my friends also are surprised to hear that I need a lot of foreplay and trust before vaginal penetration.

 

I don't mean to sound offensive with my last comment. It's just that on various forums I post on and seeing what I hear in real life-I feel like it's the Westerners that get so outraged at the idea of waiting. I'm just curious as to how they view sex. Do they not like the build-up of romance and mystique? People say they hate mystery, but it turns me on! Thinking and wondering how someone looks naked....how they are in bed...Things coming at me too quick with no mystery are a turn-off for me.

Edited June 7, 2013 by Seductive

[bobmarley]

I'm not asking this question to get the usual "advice" thrown at women regarding sex. Cliches like "he's not the guy if he won't wait" are things told to women all the time that sometimes are actually unrealistic. Sometimes I think people are afraid to give real advice about sex to women because the issue has so much feminism and sensitivity surrounding it. I think I may need to reconsider my outlook on sex as it relates to dating.

 

With that said, I am asking this question about when sex should come in during the dating process IF it didn't just occur naturally. When women have it their way, I think a lot wait until it's a solid relationship, whereas when men have it their way they see if they're sexually compatible first. I am currently in that ambiguous "are we dating exclusive/going to be relationship soon?" phase with someone, but we haven't had sex yet. (The two primary reasons for this are: a)fear/worried about being used or played and b) I'm pretty rusty so it won't be good the first couple times). In my ideal world (which may in fact be completely unrealistic in the modern 20-somethings dating world), I wouldn't have sex with a guy until we're official. However, I am starting to think I could lose out on this great guy I am seeing simply because I want to wait.

 

Are women such as myself seen as prudish by a lot of good-intentioned men because of this viewpoint?

 

Also, if it's not unrealistic to keep this viewpoint, how do I turn down sex during the heat of the moment without it being completely awkward? Do I just say it before we start messing around?

 

I don't have sex until I am official with a guy, and even then, not until I feel safe and secure in the relationship.

[joystickd]

I don't mean to sound offensive with my last comment. It's just that on various forums I post on and seeing what I hear in real life-I feel like it's the Westerners that get so outraged at the idea of waiting. I'm just curious as to how they view sex. Do they not like the build-up of romance and mystique? People say they hate mystery, but it turns me on! Thinking and wondering how someone looks naked....how they are in bed...Things coming at me too quick with no mystery are a turn-off for me.

 

I think its more about honesty than the act of sex. Men want sex early because its an honest sign the woman is into them. Women want to wait because its an honest signal men are into them. We deal with so much dishonesty and games that its hard to really believe someone with what they say. If people were truly honest this thread wouldnt be needed

[somedude81]

Funny that I'm in a situation where I'm actually waiting for sex.

 

I don't really understand why she wants to wait, but I respect her choice and will wait.

 

Is she afraid I'll leave her shortly after? That thought is just ridiculous to me. Who would I leave her for

 

I see sex as a way to bring people closer together, but maybe that is the problem?

[escafeld]

I think the issue I see most with people my age (college-20's, not sure how long into the 30's it lasts) is the following; I would like to hear from others here. Is this their experience/how would you react in this situation?

 

For the purposes of explaining I will use fictional people, Mary and Mike.

 

Mike meets Mary out at a bar and they chat all night, hitting it off. Mary goes off to her friends so excited that she finally met a nice guy. Mike texts her the next day to see "What she's up to" the following week.

 

They up deciding to meet for drinks on a Wednesday. Mike is a perfect gentleman and picks up the tab. The two make out and Mary restrains herself from going further even though she is physically attracted and so excited about this great guy.

 

Weekend rolls around. Friday night Mike texts her to see "What she's up to" that night. She REALLY wants to meet up with him and convinces her girlfriends to go to the bar Mike and his friends are at. They end up heavily making out and Mary goes home with him. They do everything BUT oral/regular sex.

 

Mary wakes up in the morning hoping Mike will want to go to breakfast with her, but he says something about having a practice for his recreational kickball league at 11am and instead walks her out to find a cab home. Mary gushes to her friends at brunch about what an awesome tmie she had with Mike and how she thinks they are heading for a relationship.

 

Later the next week, Mary texts Mike during the work day the name of a song he said he couldn't remember. They text back and forth all week.

 

Weekend rolls around and again Mike asks on Friday what she's up to. She feels like since he is initiating contact and they've hung out a few times and have been texting all week that he MUST really like her. Again she convinces her friends to meet up with him at a bar.

 

That night they have sex. The next morning they have sex again and cuddle for a bit. Then Mike has to go to kickball practice again.

 

This continues ON AND ON AND ON for WEEKS. Once in awhile they will go for breakfast or meet up with a group after work for drinks. The common theme is that every weekend they end up together, no fail.

 

She starts freaking out because she's having to text him more and more to get in touch, but tries not to worry because she thinks it's okay since they know each other pretty well by now and they "hang out" and see each other pretty frequently.

 

Mike mentions in passing that his sister is getting married in a few weeks. Mary is SO PUMPED because she thinks he will bring her as his date. Nope. He makes no mention of it. Mary is crushed. That Friday though, without fail, he asks her to meet up at a bar or invites her to a pregame at his buddy's house.

 

Eventually she ends up crying to her friends that she doesn't know what to do because Mike is being "distant" and how can she get him to be her actual boyfriend?

 

She decides to bring up the convo of "what are we" with Mike and he skirts the issue completely.

 

Eventually they stop hanging out and that's it.

 

I see this happen OVER AND OVER again. It's a serial problem for people in their 20's...hook-up culture.

 

If we go with therhythm's advice and just have sex when we feel the "spark," this is often what happens! It's easy to feel the spark when you're with someone exciting and new, but how much of that is based on excitement and how much is based on reality?

 

The above scenario is why I choose to hold off on sex for a bit. Had this happen WAYYY too many times.

 

Thoughts?

 

I'm not sure about the regularity of your scenario but what I would ask is if you feel the spark are you only holding off for fear the liaison might not transition into a 'proper' relationship?

 

What difference do you think you think holding off will have on the prospects for a relationship?

 

Do the encounters you've had previously devalue your self esteem because you had sex with them?