Is waiting until the relationship is solid before having sex a thing of the past?

[happykat]

What's a girl to do in a situation like this?

 

I'm thinking go out again, but make sure you DON'T end up at his place..or your place... and no alcohol... that's if you are trying to avoid doinking him of course.

I think wrong answer/right answer means he likes that you refused but wanted to be with you really badly..I've had a guy tell me that it was a "test" that he tried to sleep with me on the 2nd date, and I "passed" -- so yes, guys do play head games like that.

[Star Gazer]

I'm thinking go out again, but make sure you DON'T end up at his place..or your place... and no alcohol... that's if you are trying to avoid doinking him of course.

I think wrong answer/right answer means he likes that you refused but wanted to be with you really badly..I've had a guy tell me that is was a "test" that he tried to sleep with me on the 2nd date, and I "passed" -- so yes, guys do play head games like that.

 

Okay, therein lies the question: Should I be trying to avoid doinking him?

[happykat]

Okay, therein lies the question: Should I be trying to avoid doinking him?

 

hahaha that's funny because I'm kind of in the same boat recently... so I cannot answer that question..

well maybe I can - the best thing I've read on here lately is : you may regret sleeping with someone too soon, but you will never regret waiting... or something to that effect.. so personally, I am trying the take is slow route and make sure the man is who he presents himself to be first (which you really can't do in two dates obviously). I am aiming for an LTR though, possibly you are not..

[tricolors]

It's not a thing of the past. I've been exclusively going out with a woman (she's 40, I'm 33) for two months now (although we only agreed to start seriously "dating" about 3 weeks ago,) and we just kissed for the first time two weeks ago. We keep getting more and more physically intimate every time we go out, verbally as well...we've both acknowledged the pacing is fine...sex is in the works soon.

 

It's worth noting neither of us are religious at all, either, so it has nothing to do with that. To make matters more interesting neither of us have been in a relationship in a long time, and we still don't see any reason to rush things. We've both talked about how we see a lot in each other that we haven't found in a long time and want to continue. I've met and had dinner with her parents more than once, she's met my parents, we've spent all day together numerous times now, etcetera.

 

So, yeah, people still do that kind of thing. I guess it's also worth noting both of us said we're only interested in a long term relationship...we're not 21 year olds just looking to hop from person to person.

[sillyanswer]

"Wrong answer, but the right answer. "

 

I have no idea what he meant. My favourite non-sillyanswer about dating is that it's all about communication... so, ask him?

 

 

What's a girl to do in a situation like this?

 

Go shopping for condoms.

[Star Gazer]

hahaha that's funny because I'm kind of in the same boat recently... so I cannot answer that question..

well maybe I can - the best thing I've read on here lately is : you may regret sleeping with someone too soon, but you will never regret waiting... or something to that effect.. so personally, I am trying the take is slow route and make sure the man is who he presents himself to be first (which you really can't do in two dates obviously). I am aiming for an LTR though, possibly you are not..

 

You're right. If he's the right guy, he won't mind waiting...a bit, and I won't regret it in that instance. But I very well may regret it if I mount him next time I see him, for a myriad of reasons (holy cow, do I catch feelings fast once sex is introduced!).

 

And like you, I'm looking for a LTR, nothing less.

[Star Gazer]

I have no idea what he meant. My favourite non-sillyanswer about dating is that it's all about communication... so, ask him?

 

Right, but how does that conversation go?

 

"Will you judge me/walk if I give in to my carnal cravings too soon for your liking?"

 

I mean, really... How does one have a conversation about this? If he's a player, he'll lie. There's also plenty of guys who SAY they're fine with it, but once it happens feel let down and disappointed in her. It's a no win. It's trial by fire, until you find one who doesn't wig out.

[sillyanswer]

Right, but how does that conversation go?

 

"Will you judge me/walk if I give in to my carnal cravings too soon for your liking?"

 

Not like that. Repeat what he said back to him and ask what he meant by it, or ask what he meant about it being the wrong answer and the right answer. Let him clarify if he wants to.

 

Having re-read and thought about it... and remembering that men are simple... he probably just meant that he was horny. Plus, he had already told you that you were NOT going to have sex, and you echoed that back to him. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this... I'm still not sure what he meant.

[tricolors]

Not like that. Repeat what he said back to him and ask what he meant by it, or ask what he meant about it being the wrong answer and the right answer. Let him clarify if he wants to.

 

Having re-read and thought about it... and remembering that men are simple... he probably just meant that he was horny. Plus, he had already told you that you were NOT going to have sex, and you echoed that back to him. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this... I'm still not sure what he meant.

 

My opinion:

 

When that guy brought her to bed and said "We are NOT going to have sex," what he meant was:

 

"I want to (and I WILL!) have sex with you right now, but I'm going to pretend I don't and word it in an ambiguous way so I can look like I'm good no matter what happens."

[Pillow]

For the non-believers.

 

Here from the LA times:

 

Hookup culture: College kids can handle it [blowback] - latimes.com

 

It’s true that more than 90% of students say that their campus is characterized by a hookup culture. But in fact, no more than 20% of students hook up very often; one-third of them abstain from hooking up altogether, and the remainder are occasional participators.

 

This includes instances in which there was intercourse, but also times when two people just made out with their clothes on. The typical student acquires only two new sexual partners during college. Half of all hookups are with someone the person has hooked up with before. A quarter of students will be virgins when they graduate.

 

"College students" are simply focused on the next hookup." Wrong. The majority of students -- 70% of women and 73% of men -- report that they'd like to have a committed relationship, and 95% of women and 77% of men prefer dating to hooking up. In fact, about three-quarters of students will enter a long-term monogamous relationship while in college.

 

 

 

And from another site about virgins:

 

http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/wellness/dating/story/2011/03/More-hookups-on-campuses-but-more-virgins-too/45556388/1

 

 

But even as casual sex — often called "hookups" or "friends with benefits" — is a dominant part of campus life, a new report by the National Center for Health Statistics indicates the percentages of men and women 18-24 who say they are virgins also are increasing.

Edited June 3, 2013 by Pillow

[Star Gazer]

My opinion:

 

When that guy brought her to bed and said "We are NOT going to have sex," what he meant was:

 

"I want to (and I WILL!) have sex with you right now, but I'm going to pretend I don't and word it in an ambiguous way so I can look like I'm good no matter what happens."

 

I don't think he's that calibrated in his word choice.

[daisybuchanan55]

SG, if I were in your shoes, I would not have sex with this guy yet. You definitely need more time to feel the situation out.

 

Wait until you've got a clearer idea of where the relationship is headed. You are like me--you fall and hard and fast, and it gets you in trouble.

 

You know this about yourself so do what you have to do to protect your heart. I know that I get emotionally attached after sex so I wait until I know how the guy feels about me before I go down that road. I try to keep things as casual as possible. It's about protecting my emotions, not controlling the guy. Sorry, I like ME more than HIM, and I need to do what I need to do to feel comfortable with the entire situation.

 

When you wait, you give yourself time to get a clear head. I'm sure you do want to mount this hottie but if you remove yourself from the situation for a few days and re-enter real life that carnal desire will calm down and you'll be able to think with you head.

 

If commitment and exclusivity is important to you, honor that and wait until the relationship is more secure before having sex. You don't need to have some dramatic discussion about it. You will 100% KNOW when this guy is totally into what's going on.

 

Waiting will be hard but you won't regret it.

[Star Gazer]

SG, if I were in your shoes, I would not have sex with this guy yet. You definitely need more time to feel the situation out.

 

Wait until you've got a clearer idea of where the relationship is headed. You are like me--you fall and hard and fast, and it gets you in trouble.

 

You know this about yourself so do what you have to do to protect your heart. I know that I get emotionally attached after sex so I wait until I know how the guy feels about me before I go down that road. I try to keep things as casual as possible. It's about protecting my emotions, not controlling the guy. Sorry, I like ME more than HIM, and I need to do what I need to do to feel comfortable with the entire situation.

 

When you wait, you give yourself time to get a clear head. I'm sure you do want to mount this hottie but if you remove yourself from the situation for a few days and re-enter real life that carnal desire will calm down and you'll be able to think with you head.

 

If commitment and exclusivity is important to you, honor that and wait until the relationship is more secure before having sex. You don't need to have some dramatic discussion about it. You will 100% KNOW when this guy is totally into what's going on.

 

Waiting will be hard but you won't regret it.

 

Yup. You're so right. I will wait. (Assuming we ever see each other again. He tends to go MIA, which is an issue in itself.)

 

I have a date tonight with a new guy, and a second with another guy later this week. So, I'll definitely be able to keep myself centered for the time being.

[Revolver]

When many guys are able to get sex so easily, often times NSA it gives them less in insentive to wait long periods for somebody else

[BluEyeL]

Y

But yeah, I'm not sure which guy he is... the wants me to wait, or the wants the sexy time.

 

He is CLEARLY the one who wants the sexy time. He doesn't want you to wait. Curious if he'll be back to finalize what he started. I think he will, but I also think he's moving too fast. But if you want him, take him. No expectations after.

[BluEyeL]

Yup. You're so right. I will wait. (Assuming we ever see each other again. He tends to go MIA, which is an issue in itself.)

 

I have a date tonight with a new guy, and a second with another guy later this week. So, I'll definitely be able to keep myself centered for the time being.

Well, you could have sex with the sexy times guy since you are attracted to him. I don't think he's serious, but who knows? At the same time, don't put any hopes on him and move your attention to the other two guys. DO NOT get attached. Don't sleep with the other ones!! I know the men here will hate me for saying this:p

[KungFuJoe]

Stargazer,

 

If you really like the guy and are afraid you will get attached after sex AND you're unsure of his attentions, then I would wait until you feel comfortable.

 

It really depends on your persona. Do you get attached easily? Is sex THAT big a deal to you?

 

Basically, ask yourself this. If you have sex and he bails would you feel bad or would you be happy that at least you got some from someone you were genuinely attracted to?

[tbf]

SG, probably no need to say this but I'd wait it out, based on your penchant for bonding with sex. Must admit though, you've gone a bit far on that date so to slow it down now, would be a bit like trying to stuff the genie back into the bottle.

 

If this doesn't work out, might I suggest not going anywhere private until you've had a few more dates? This way, it's less likely that you'll have the internal struggle of sexual attraction v. comfort level.

[Star Gazer]

Stargazer,

 

If you really like the guy and are afraid you will get attached after sex AND you're unsure of his attentions, then I would wait until you feel comfortable.

 

It really depends on your persona. Do you get attached easily? Is sex THAT big a deal to you?

 

Basically, ask yourself this. If you have sex and he bails would you feel bad or would you be happy that at least you got some from someone you were genuinely attracted to?

 

I like him, but I'm not like "ohhhh, I soooo like him!!!". I think my spidey sense is picking up some player or non-committal vibes from him, which makes it difficult for me to like him too much at this point.

 

I am afraid I'll get attached.

 

I'm unsure of his true intentions. Words and actions need to match, and it's too soon for me to figure out if they do or don't at this point.

 

Sex isn't sacred to me, it's not some insanely special act, but I do get attached easily. It's like, you stick it in, and I catch feelings. I cannot help it.

 

And yes, if we had sex and he bailed, I wouldn't be all happy because I had an itch that needed to be scratched and was satisfied. Rather, I'd likely feel bad. I think that I'd feel that way with any guy who bailed after sex.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I'm not questioning HER actions.

 

Can't anyone read?

 

I said, SHE said, "The right one sticks around no matter what."

 

That bolded part, that's just not true, for the reasons I've repeated several times in this thread, and to which you've already agreed.

 

Also, it worked for her with her current BF, but she's also said that she's done it with several other guys she WANTED relationships with, and they bailed. So, it also hasn't worked for her.

 

 

 

I bailed, they bailed. Could be for any reason. The point though is that I'm glad they did because I don't think they were the one since they did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just how if a guy bailed on you for NOT wanting sex soon, wouldn't that make you glad?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess I've never been one to pick apart why things don't work, I have always believed that when the right one comes around they just will... And yes, I believe no matter what.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I like him, but I'm not like "ohhhh, I soooo like him!!!". I think my spidey sense is picking up some player or non-committal vibes from him, which makes it difficult for me to like him too much at this point.

 

I am afraid I'll get attached.

 

I'm unsure of his true intentions. Words and actions need to match, and it's too soon for me to figure out if they do or don't at this point.

 

Sex isn't sacred to me, it's not some insanely special act, but I do get attached easily. It's like, you stick it in, and I catch feelings. I cannot help it.

 

And yes, if we had sex and he bailed, I wouldn't be all happy because I had an itch that needed to be scratched and was satisfied. Rather, I'd likely feel bad. I think that I'd feel that way with any guy who bailed after sex.

 

 

 

It sucks when things don't work with someone, but it happens. I think it's supposed to so you can learn.

 

 

You say you don't like women who use sex as a tool, but I keep hearing you focus on what he is looking for. Do you want to have sex with him? Do you like him?

What do you want to do? Stop worrying about what he will think of you.

[musemaj11]

A man who doesnt want to be with a woman who refuses to have sex within the first few dates is like a woman who doesnt want to be with a man who refuses to pay for the first few dates.

 

Its a preference. Its within the right of a man if he prefers a woman who will have sex quickly and that doesnt make him a bad person as long as he doesnt force the woman for sex.

[Star Gazer]

You say you don't like women who use sex as a tool, but I keep hearing you focus on what he is looking for. Do you want to have sex with him? Do you like him?

What do you want to do? Stop worrying about what he will think of you.

 

Again, a failure to read my posts above. Please READ my response to KFJ - the one you actually quoted. My focus hasn't been on what he's looking for, but rather how I feel and would feel.

[BluEyeL]

Again, a failure to read my posts above. Please READ my response to KFJ - the one you actually quoted. My focus hasn't been on what he's looking for, but rather how I feel and would feel.

 

SG, I think you learned that by now, I've made this mistake before. If you don't want to sleep with a guy just yet, don't accept to go into a private place. They expect sex if you do that, most of the time.

[KungFuJoe]

I like him, but I'm not like "ohhhh, I soooo like him!!!". I think my spidey sense is picking up some player or non-committal vibes from him, which makes it difficult for me to like him too much at this point.

 

I am afraid I'll get attached.

 

I'm unsure of his true intentions. Words and actions need to match, and it's too soon for me to figure out if they do or don't at this point.

 

Sex isn't sacred to me, it's not some insanely special act, but I do get attached easily. It's like, you stick it in, and I catch feelings. I cannot help it.

 

And yes, if we had sex and he bailed, I wouldn't be all happy because I had an itch that needed to be scratched and was satisfied. Rather, I'd likely feel bad. I think that I'd feel that way with any guy who bailed after sex.

 

Then the answer is pretty simple...wait until you feel the time is right, which is obviously not right now.

 

Have you thought about just telling him how you feel straight up?