Is waiting until the relationship is solid before having sex a thing of the past?

[phineas]

I find it funny you would bring this up when it is mostly women who use those terms to judge other women not to control their sexuality, but to let off steam building up from competition for a select few males.

 

I've seen this before and funny thing is the women who are being called sluts always seem to be classier than the one's calling them sluts.

[phineas]

Women don't typically have sex to just have sex like men. You have been warned.

 

You don't speak for women every where.

"You have been warned." dun dun dun LOL!

 

Women wanting sex for the simple reason of being stuffed by a guy who turns them on is in fact typical these days.

[Seductive]

This is quite false. Obviously, there WERE people who had casual hook-ups, even in the most religious times of the Victorian era. I'm sure nobody is claiming otherwise. However, it's quite obvious that casual/early sex was nowhere near as widespread, socially accepted, and encouraged, as recent times in certain societies.

 

 

Thank you. You and I being from an Asian country (at least I think you said you were from an Asian country?), we know that women are dead meat if they dare to have sex early...let alone before marriage. I find it fascinating that some Western posters assume that the whole world is exactly like them

 

These same topics are discussed on a women's forum from my culture that I post on. and the responses are dramatically different. At the risk of sounding offensive, I've heard people in my culture scoff, "No wonder those white Americans have high divorce rates. They are so quick to remove their clothes."

[Els]

Thank you. You and I being from an Asian country (at least I think you said you were from an Asian country?), we know that women are dead meat if they dare to have sex early...let alone before marriage. I find it fascinating that some Western posters assume that the whole world is exactly like them

 

Yup. Or rather, exactly like the era they knew in the Western world.

 

Things are changing in most parts of Asia, of course, and in some cities it's not uncommon for young women to have premarital sex without severe social repercussions. But nowhere near to the degree mentioned here.

 

These same topics are discussed on a women's forum from my culture that I post on. and the responses are dramatically different. At the risk of sounding offensive, I've heard people in my culture scoff, "No wonder those white Americans have high divorce rates. They are so quick to remove their clothes."

 

Ouch, yeah. Seems like everyone's judging everyone, doesn't it? Some of the Asian guys I know who emigrated alongside me have been regaling me with ecstatic tales of 'how easy white women are'. On the other hand, I'm sure women who don't put out early are called all sorts of derogatory terms, too. You can never win with everyone, no matter what you do. So, probably best to not try.

[TheGuard13]

This is quite false. Obviously, there WERE people who had casual hook-ups, even in the most religious times of the Victorian era. I'm sure nobody is claiming otherwise. However, it's quite obvious that casual/early sex was nowhere near as widespread, socially accepted, and encouraged, as recent times in certain societies. And CHOOSING to wait was most definitely not as unacceptable as it currently appears to be! (amongst some of you)

 

It’s false? Based on what? Because I’m basing my statement on historical information that I’ve read, conversations I’ve had with people over the years, and the obvious nature of humanity.

 

And I never made any statement about how widespread it is, or about how "acceptable" choosing to wait was back then VS today. I made a statement that there was never a time when people, as a whole, waited to actually be in a committed (or loving) relationship before having sex. Because historical information doesn't bear that out, at least as far as I've seen in studying human sexuality, sexual history, social norms, etc.

 

Just as how having sex early doesn't necessarily make you a 'whore', having sex later doesn't necessarily make you a 'prude'. You people who speak against judging, need to open your eyes wide to what you yourself are doing. How early or late you feel like having sex has little bearing on how open you are to being adventurous or enjoying sex in a committed R. Trust me.

 

If you just want sex early, call it as it is. There's nothing wrong with that. No need to try to put down others who are different from yourselves.

 

I’m not trying to put anyone down. And I haven’t put anyone down. I never made a value judgement on the word "prude".

 

But “prudish” behavior has an accepted definition in our society, and prude has meaning beyond the pejorative. Waiting a long time to have sex makes you a prude in our society by most definitions of the word. Society dictates who is a "prude", not the person exhibiting socially perceived prudish behavior.

 

It’s not so much a good or a bad thing…it just is.

 

Women don't typically have sex to just have sex like men. You have been warned.

 

I’m not sure where the idea that men have sex JUST to have sex comes from.

 

That’s simply not the way it works.

 

Men don’t generally just have sex for the physical act of having sex.

[Els]

It’s false? Based on what? Because I’m basing my statement on historical information that I’ve read

 

Ditto. Think about the repercussions of being caught having premarital sex during an era when the Church controlled the law. Then think about how that just might deter some folks.

 

You don't actually have to read or imagine, in fact. Get to know some immigrants from the more conservative parts of Asia, where there are still significant social repercussions for having premarital sex, for women more so than men. Then ask them how common it was for people to have sex on date #3 there.

 

conversations I’ve had with people over the years

 

People who are... about the same age as you and from a similar culture as you, correct?

 

And I never made any statement about how widespread it is, or about how "acceptable" choosing to wait was back then VS today. I made a statement that there was never a time when people, as a whole, waited to actually be in a committed (or loving) relationship before having sex. Because historical information doesn't bear that out, at least as far as I've seen in studying human sexuality, sexual history, social norms, etc.

 

No, you specifically said that it was untrue that there was a time when people 'generally' waited. 'General' is not similar to 'as a whole'. 'As a whole' implies that nobody deviates from the general practice, so obviously that would render your statement true.

 

I’m not trying to put anyone down. And I haven’t put anyone down. I never made a value judgement on the word "prude".

 

But “prudish” behavior has an accepted definition in our society, and prude has meaning beyond the pejorative. Waiting a long time to have sex makes you a prude in our society by most definitions of the word. Society dictates who is a "prude", not the person exhibiting socially perceived prudish behavior.

 

It’s not so much a good or a bad thing…it just is.

 

Equally so, some societies consider it acceptable to call people who have premarital sex 'immoral', 'whores', 'sluts', 'promiscuous', etc. Do you think it isn't judgmental to do that, simply because it 'just is'? You don't need to make a 'value' judgment on a word for it to be judgmental.

[KungFuJoe]

Women don't typically have sex to just have sex like men. You have been warned.

 

I've been with the same woman for over thirteen years (married for over 10).

 

So, thanks for the warning, but I think I'm pretty safe.

[Seductive]

Yup. Or rather, exactly like the era they knew in the Western world.

 

Things are changing in most parts of Asia, of course, and in some cities it's not uncommon for young women to have premarital sex without severe social repercussions. But nowhere near to the degree mentioned here.

 

 

 

Ouch, yeah. Seems like everyone's judging everyone, doesn't it? Some of the Asian guys I know who emigrated alongside me have been regaling me with ecstatic tales of 'how easy white women are'. On the other hand, I'm sure women who don't put out early are called all sorts of derogatory terms, too. You can never win with everyone, no matter what you do. So, probably best to not try.

 

I'm aware they're having premarital sex on the other side, bur I like how Asian culture values discretion and privacy. I feel like western culture puts pressure to bare your entire soul. I believe judgment comes when you're putting your stuff out there.

[somedude81]

What is a solid relationship? Why is it needed to for that to happen first?

 

Does sex change things that much?

 

I think it all depends on how each person views sex, and what meaning it has and so on.

 

If by chance, I end up having sex with the girl I'm going out with this week, I won't think any less of her. I'm also not going to disappear, that's just stupid since I would want to have more sex with her. I would also have no issue becoming exclusive with her, as long as she does the same.

 

The only thing that would bug me is if she sets some arbitrary time period. Like we can't have sex till we've been dating for two months. That's just a power game and denying her true feelings.

[phineas]

Women have ulterior motives on top of ulterior motives for everything. Sex isn't different.

 

Really, so those women who came home with me from the bar then left & never returned my calls had an ulterior motive?

 

Those women I met on POF & wanted to bang on the first meet, ignored me for months then texted me out of the blue to....bang again had ulterior motives?

 

Well i'd REALLY love to hear your theory on exactly what that was.

[SJC2008]

I've been with the same woman for over thirteen years (married for over 10).

 

How long did it take for yall to sleep together?

[SJC2008]

I'm going to give my two cents and hit on a few posts here and summarize so I don't have to make a bunch of quotes...

 

I don't think sex is sacred but I think the western culture is way to causal about it. It's viewed about as intimate as bowling or getting a refill of soda by many people nowadays and I personally don't like that. Overall, my view on sex/casual sex is pretty much the middle ground between old school and new school. I'm not opposed to some casual sex but I do think there should be a conscious effort made to "monitor" it, with the utlimate goal of having sex in a monogomous relationship.

 

As far as waiting is concerned, I have no problem with it and actually welcome it as long as it's within a reasonable time frame! I do want to get to know someone before I sleep with them and want to know they're not going to give it up to just anyone! Now that may contradict my ok with some casual sex but my "number" is very low and would rather have sex in an R AND I'm sure there are women out there who have had some casual sex but would rather it be in an R like me!

 

I don't think a woman waiting should be viewd as using sex as a tool. It's her body and she's the decider of when the first time happens and if it doesn't fall within my time frame (a very reasonable one IMO) I'd move along as we're not compatible. I'd be more inclined to think the ones who slept with you faster would be quick to think they're entitled to an R since sex was on the table already but I've learned not everyone fits into a box so there could be women with both views who do/don't use sex as a tool.

 

In the end there are men who will wait I know I can't be the only one although some times I feel like I am lol. It all boils down to communication and compatibility. OP if you need to be in an R first than you need to assert your boundaries but try to articulate it to not scare the guy off lol becuase you know it will scare a lot of men off. It's kind of like what they say here to the guys who do want to wait (like me) and are scared of getting dumped for not making a move. They tell us show them you're attracted to her, be physical etc. I'm not saying to take the lead but find a way to convey to the guy that you like sex by flirting, an innuendo here and there, but need to wait a while!

[KungFuJoe]

How long did it take for yall to sleep together?

 

It was within several hours...but our situation was a little different because we weren't dating or anything like that.

[KungFuJoe]

My take on the whole thing?

 

Have sex because you WANT to...not because you think you HAVE to.

[Els]

I'm aware they're having premarital sex on the other side, bur I like how Asian culture values discretion and privacy. I feel like western culture puts pressure to bare your entire soul. I believe judgment comes when you're putting your stuff out there.

 

Hmm, I definitely think discretion is a big part of that. But sometimes the judgments come even if you've been discretionary, because someone saw Guy going to your place for the night and not coming back til the next morning. Then the frenzied gossiping starts...

 

It actually makes me chuckle how a month is considered 'a long time', or 'waiting', on LS. Prior to LS, I'd always considered myself to be a 'don't wait' and very sexually-liberated person, because I have oral sex within a few months - horrifically early in my culture/social circle!

[Star Gazer]

This is a ridiculous argument. Your technicalities and inability to keep things simple is exhausting. Good luck finding the right one.

 

That's not a kind thing to say.

[Star Gazer]

How long or short you wait doesn't matter. The one, the one who you are supposed to spend your life with will stick around no matter what. No matter what, through bitchy attitudes and arguments, to moments where you can't stand each other they stick around.

 

No matter what.

 

And you know this how, exactly? Because after sleeping with many other guys quickly, who you wanted a relationship with and yet who all bailed, one guy (your current BF of a mere 7 months) comes along, 10+ years your senior, and he doesn't bail when you bed him quickly?

 

Your one data point is a relationship of 7 months, and that = "no matter what"? I seeeee. Got it.

[miss_jaclynrae]

And you know this how, exactly? Because after sleeping with many other guys quickly, who you wanted a relationship with and yet who all bailed, one guy (your current BF of a mere 7 months) comes along, 10+ years your senior, and he doesn't bail when you bed him quickly?

 

Your one data point is a relationship of 7 months, and that = "no matter what"? I seeeee. Got it.

 

 

 

Your bitterness is blinding.

I love your breakdown of my life. Please tell me more. Obviously you know me better than anyone.

 

 

Dear lord. Spew slander all you want. Green isn't a good color on you, and with an attitude such as you have maybe your right, it isn't no matter what. At least not for someone in your shoes. Negative people bring about negative situations.

[Star Gazer]

Your bitterness is blinding.

I love your breakdown of my life. Please tell me more. Obviously you know me better than anyone.

 

Dear lord. Spew slander all you want. Green isn't a good color on you, and with an attitude such as you have maybe your right, it isn't no matter what. At least not for someone in your shoes. Negative people bring about negative situations.

 

Hmph.

 

How am I bitter? Waiting has worked perfectly for me.

 

And what alleged slander are you referring to?

 

As for negativity, I think you need to read your own posts. "lol"

[miss_jaclynrae]

Hmph.

 

How am I bitter? Waiting has worked perfectly for me.

 

And what alleged slander are you referring to?

 

As for negativity, I think you need to read your own posts. "lol"

 

 

 

What slander?

 

 

Let's see, how many men have I dated? How many of them did I "give it up to" right away? How many bailed? You seem to know all of this about me... So please, answer away!

 

 

Not to mention, your need to bring up my boyfriends age in itself is entertaining. Does attacking my relationship make you feel better about your lack of one?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Want to know how I know "no matter what" applies?

I know because i choose that to be my outlook, and it's a healthy one that keeps me from becoming a bitter woman such as yourself.

[USMCHokie]

::grabs a seat and a bowl of popcorn::

[Leigh 87]

I think if a guy is really all that into you, he would not bail if you had sex early on.

 

Although I don't think it is very good taste to go and sleep with a new guy every month or every time you start dating.

 

I know my relationship failed. But it was not because we had sex after the third or 4th date.

 

I just think it just becomes common sense to know the signs when a guy is really interested in getting to know you better... So there is no need to sleep with them early on, if their interest is clear and they do not act impatient for sex.

 

Personally, I will be waiting a little longer until sex, but not too long, since I need to know that we are sexually compatible before starting anything serious...

[TheGuard13]

I don't think sex is sacred but I think the western culture is way to causal about it. It's viewed about as intimate as bowling or getting a refill of soda by many people nowadays and I personally don't like that.

 

I don't necessarily agree entirely with this. Westerners are obsessed with sex as a culture. It may be casually participated in by some, but it is rarely casually reacted to. We have assigned it a huge importance socially, emotionally, and otherwise.

[Drseussgrrl]

I can't think of a single long term boyfriend I've had where we waited beyond a few weeks, and they were all nuts about me.

 

The current guy I'm dating and I had sex around the 5th date, and it's going swimmingly.

 

I love sex. I've had my share of casual sex when I was feeling emotionally unavailable, and I've had very fulfilling sexual relationships when I was in love with the person. I could never commit to someone I wasn't sexually compatible with.

 

Not once have I ever felt "used". It's always been my choice, on my terms, and I take responsibility for what I do with my own body.

[Drseussgrrl]

I don't necessarily agree entirely with this. Westerners are obsessed with sex as a culture. It may be casually participated in by some, but it is rarely casually reacted to. We have assigned it a huge importance socially, emotionally, and otherwise.

 

I agree with this.

 

We still have a very puritanical attitude toward sex in the US. Yes, you see sexual "images" wherever you look, but the actual act is still frowned upon outside of certain approved scenarios and slut-shaming is alive and well.