Is waiting until the relationship is solid before having sex a thing of the past?

[clia]

I don't think sex is sacred but I think the western culture is way to causal about it. It's viewed about as intimate as bowling or getting a refill of soda by many people nowadays and I personally don't like that.

 

I agree with this. I find it mindblowing that so many people consider it to be no big deal to get naked and exchange bodily fluids with someone they've known for only a few hours (if that). I've never been able to successfully do that. (I don't like the feeling of boinking a complete stranger.) Sex has always felt like a bigger deal to me. I feel like it should mean something to agree to get naked with a person. That said, I don't wait eons or anything -- usually within a few weeks or a month I feel comfortable enough to plow forward. I've been dumped over it in the past, but it's not biggie. Obviously we weren't compatible.

[musemaj11]

Sex is as special as you make it out to be.

 

In some cultures, even hand holding is considered mindblowingly inappropriate. So its all in your mind.

 

I dont see sex as anything special. To me its no more special than kissing. However, I have to say sex with someone you have some chemistry with is thousands times better than the one without.

Edited June 5, 2013 by musemaj11

[SJC2008]

I agree with this.

 

We still have a very puritanical attitude toward sex in the US. Yes, you see sexual "images" wherever you look, but the actual act is still frowned upon outside of certain approved scenarios and slut-shaming is alive and well.

 

You raise a good point but it points out the hypocracy of our culture (I'm not calling you a hypocrite). Sex is still kind of taboo to talk about openly in public and there is slut shaming and double standards. TBS what people say and do are different things. We may not talk about it in public and we "save face" to the general public to fit into our societys bell curve but for the most part when it comes down to the act of sex itself, for a lot of people, it's about as intimate as what I've said before.

[StanMusial]

What I have noticed in the past, is when you have sex early on before there is any real relationship, then the relationship is based on sex. That's the foundation and the glue holding it together. Which inevitably falls apart when life's realities set in.

[KungFuJoe]

What I have noticed in the past, is when you have sex early on before there is any real relationship, then the relationship is based on sex. That's the foundation and the glue holding it together. Which inevitably falls apart when life's realities set in.

 

Sex is a very important part of a relationship and I would argue that it is JUST as important as other aspects such as trust, respect, personality compatibility, etc.

[miss_jaclynrae]

What I have noticed in the past, is when you have sex early on before there is any real relationship, then the relationship is based on sex. That's the foundation and the glue holding it together. Which inevitably falls apart when life's realities set in.

 

 

 

I totally disagree with this. It is all relative. What is considered early on? How is it decided that there is a "real" relationship?

 

 

 

 

I can say that (and this is just one example) I met a great guy one night and we ended up having sex that night. We went on to date afterwards for quite some time, and I can tell you that it was so NOT based on sex.

 

 

Our time together was amazing. One it the best guys I have ever dated, and us not working out had nothing to do with sex in the slightest.

[Seductive]

Hmm, I definitely think discretion is a big part of that. But sometimes the judgments come even if you've been discretionary, because someone saw Guy going to your place for the night and not coming back til the next morning. Then the frenzied gossiping starts...

 

It actually makes me chuckle how a month is considered 'a long time', or 'waiting', on LS. Prior to LS, I'd always considered myself to be a 'don't wait' and very sexually-liberated person, because I have oral sex within a few months - horrifically early in my culture/social circle!

 

Lmao, I thought I was liberated bc I liked to put my mouth "down there". . To the other posters, western culture is stereotyped poorly bc of the media. I'm in agreement that some people here can be conservative, especially in places like the south. there was a good point on how a relationship might be based on sex, if sex occurs early. There's nothing wrong with soul bonding before you get to dessert

[miss_jaclynrae]

I still don't get the point that having sex early usually draws the relationship to be based on sex...

 

 

 

A relationship is based on sex because one or both party's involved makes it that way.

I can't help but feel that people have a problem owning up to their poor choices in partners and therefore "having sex early" becomes a crutch.

 

 

I can tell you right now that the guy who bailed after having sex did it for other reasons, not because he got laid too fast.

Instead if me saying "oh I shouldn't have slept with him so soon!" I stand behind my sexual choices, for their is always risk that things wont last. That us just life.

[ThomasD]

What I have noticed in the past, is when you have sex early on before there is any real relationship, then the relationship is based on sex. That's the foundation and the glue holding it together. Which inevitably falls apart when life's realities set in.

I'm not sure that result is "inevitable". Sex IS an important part of a fully developed long-term relationship, but it takes time to develop many other factors and sex can obscure them or divert a lot of energy and resources from their development.

[Els]

I still don't get the point that having sex early usually draws the relationship to be based on sex...

 

 

I don't think 'might' means 'usually'. It is logically true that if you have sex early, the R 'might' be based on sex. How 'usual' that is, I don't know.

[Els]

Lmao, I thought I was liberated bc I liked to put my mouth "down there". . To the other posters, western culture is stereotyped poorly bc of the media. I'm in agreement that some people here can be conservative, especially in places like the south. there was a good point on how a relationship might be based on sex, if sex occurs early. There's nothing wrong with soul bonding before you get to dessert

 

I thought American attitudes on sex were media stereotypes too. That is, until I read LS.

 

I find that the major benefit of waiting is that you get to experience and savour many of the 'stages' that modern Western relationships seem to gloss over in favour of hitting the sack. Daletom mentioned a few of them in his thread in the S&R forums recently. I remember how amazing my first ever makeout sessions with a guy were; I literally thought I'd died and gone to heaven. Comparing that with tales from Western friends about their first times and how disappointing they were, (usually being over within 20 minutes of them even getting into the room), I count myself pretty darn lucky.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I don't think 'might' means 'usually'. It is logically true that if you have sex early, the R 'might' be based on sex. How 'usual' that is, I don't know.

 

 

 

Yeah I can see that. My thing is that ther are tons of "mights" might as well not date if you are afraid of what "might" happen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That is just my Outlook though.

[bolase]

To answer the original question, not for me - I've waited until a relationship was 'solid' first before having sex twice. The other two times it *felt" solid, the only difference was we hadn't verbally said we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but we were hanging out lots and in good contact and obviously cared about each other.

[Els]

Yeah I can see that. My thing is that ther are tons of "mights" might as well not date if you are afraid of what "might" happen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That is just my Outlook though.

 

Yes, IMO people should just do what they want, really, be that having sex 30 minutes after meeting for the first time, or undressing each other for the first time on marriage night, or anything in between. It does seem slightly disingenious to deny the risks of our choices, though. There are risks inherent in having sex early, just as there are different risks inherent in having it late.

[RedRobin]

Basically what you're saying is a woman might meet "Mr. Right", have sex right away, and then turn him off due to having sex too soon, right?

 

My answer to that is...then he isn't Mr. Right because he obviously isn't compatible. He's too judgmental for her and a relationship with someone like that will never work for a woman who is more open about sex.

 

My wife and I first had sex within hours. That was over 17 years ago. It obviously did not affect how I felt about her. And that's why I'm the right person for her. If I was someone who would judge her for that, then I would not be the right person. She's a very sexual person, as am I.

 

I'm sure there are men who wouldn't appreciate my wife's attitude towards sex. And I'm sure there are women who wouldn't appreciate mine. But that's why we're not with anyone else.

 

KFJ... I love 'ya... but you need to stop using your relationship as an example of two people who had sex 'within hours' and ended up in a happy marriage.

 

Either here or on another thread, you shared the fact that you knew her for many years (four, I believe) prior from HS... and had longed for her all those years. YOU DUDE, were 'courting' her in one way or another (at least in your mind)... for YEARS.

 

She finally got around to noticing you that night you got together. Maybe after she checked out the grapevine on you too. FOR YEARS.

 

She was not a stranger. AT ALL. There is another poster who comes on here occasionally who does the same thing... conceals his past knowledge of his girlfriend when defending the fact they had sex after their first date or two.

 

The fact is, you have parallel frames of reference. Overlapping circles of influence. There was a basis of trust or at least awareness of your life and habits long before you had sex.

 

It's not the same as, oh, meeting a total stranger online and having sex with them within hours... and claiming that has equal results to someone who takes time to get to know someone in advance.

[Seductive]

I thought American attitudes on sex were media stereotypes too. That is, until I read LS.

 

I find that the major benefit of waiting is that you get to experience and savour many of the 'stages' that modern Western relationships seem to gloss over in favour of hitting the sack. Daletom mentioned a few of them in his thread in the S&R forums recently. I remember how amazing my first ever makeout sessions with a guy were; I literally thought I'd died and gone to heaven. Comparing that with tales from Western friends about their first times and how disappointing they were, (usually being over within 20 minutes of them even getting into the room), I count myself pretty darn lucky.

 

Yes, you understand the build of sexual tension, which is true seduction in itself. People don't realize that waiting is a form of foreplay. It's extremely exciting to savor the first kiss or caress with someone that you're insanely attracted to, and then wait for what's coming next.

 

Can anyone confirm if white-Americans are just black and white with sex? I'm making a big generalization here, but would it be a safe thing to say? If you guys are having sex on the first date, I'm guessing you're just sticking it in and then finishing after 10 minutes. One friend even said she was done in just four minutes. Hey, power to you if that's what YOU like. But, don't expect every single person to like what you like. My idea of a bad lover is someone that just sticks it in and is done. I like sexual variety, foreplay and the build of tension. If liking the build of sexual tension and arousal when getting to know a person makes me a prude, too bad!

Edited June 6, 2013 by Seductive

[miss_jaclynrae]

Yes, you understand the build of sexual tension, which is true seduction in itself. People don't realize that waiting is a form of foreplay. It's extremely exciting to savor the first kiss or caress with someone that you're insanely attracted to, and then wait for what's coming next.

 

Can anyone confirm if white-Americans are just black and white with sex? I'm making a big generalization here, but would it be a safe thing to say? If you guys are having sex on the first date, I'm guessing you're just sticking it in and then finishing after 10 minutes. One friend even said she was done in just four minutes. Hey, power to you if that's what YOU like. But, don't expect every single person to like what you like. My idea of a bad lover is someone that just sticks it in and is done. I like sexual variety, foreplay and the build of tension. If liking the build of sexual tension and arousal when getting to know a person makes me a prude, too bad!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, that is a very wrong generalization lol.

[Star Gazer]

KFJ... I love 'ya... but you need to stop using your relationship as an example of two people who had sex 'within hours' and ended up in a happy marriage.

 

Either here or on another thread, you shared the fact that you knew her for many years (four, I believe) prior from HS... and had longed for her all those years. YOU DUDE, were 'courting' her in one way or another (at least in your mind)... for YEARS.

 

She finally got around to noticing you that night you got together. Maybe after she checked out the grapevine on you too. FOR YEARS.

 

She was not a stranger. AT ALL. There is another poster who comes on here occasionally who does the same thing... conceals his past knowledge of his girlfriend when defending the fact they had sex after their first date or two.

 

The fact is, you have parallel frames of reference. Overlapping circles of influence. There was a basis of trust or at least awareness of your life and habits long before you had sex.

 

It's not the same as, oh, meeting a total stranger online and having sex with them within hours... and claiming that has equal results to someone who takes time to get to know someone in advance.

 

I thought this was the case!!!

[Els]

 

Can anyone confirm if white-Americans are just black and white with sex?

 

Hahahah, probably not. Otherwise I'd question how the American race could have become so numerous.

 

The girls I was talking to were describing their first times, presumably as teenagers. So I guess I'd generalize that, at the most, to mean that the young Western women don't usually have good experiences with young men...

[Els]

KFJ... I love 'ya... but you need to stop using your relationship as an example of two people who had sex 'within hours' and ended up in a happy marriage.

 

Either here or on another thread, you shared the fact that you knew her for many years (four, I believe) prior from HS... and had longed for her all those years. YOU DUDE, were 'courting' her in one way or another (at least in your mind)... for YEARS.

 

She finally got around to noticing you that night you got together. Maybe after she checked out the grapevine on you too. FOR YEARS.

 

She was not a stranger. AT ALL. There is another poster who comes on here occasionally who does the same thing... conceals his past knowledge of his girlfriend when defending the fact they had sex after their first date or two.

 

The fact is, you have parallel frames of reference. Overlapping circles of influence. There was a basis of trust or at least awareness of your life and habits long before you had sex.

 

It's not the same as, oh, meeting a total stranger online and having sex with them within hours... and claiming that has equal results to someone who takes time to get to know someone in advance.

 

Aaah, makes a lot of sense. Hey, in that case, bf and I had oral sex the first day we got together, too! We'd just been talking for 3 months before that... ;)

[KungFuJoe]

KFJ... I love 'ya... but you need to stop using your relationship as an example of two people who had sex 'within hours' and ended up in a happy marriage.

 

Either here or on another thread, you shared the fact that you knew her for many years (four, I believe) prior from HS... and had longed for her all those years. YOU DUDE, were 'courting' her in one way or another (at least in your mind)... for YEARS.

 

She finally got around to noticing you that night you got together. Maybe after she checked out the grapevine on you too. FOR YEARS.

 

She was not a stranger. AT ALL. There is another poster who comes on here occasionally who does the same thing... conceals his past knowledge of his girlfriend when defending the fact they had sex after their first date or two.

 

The fact is, you have parallel frames of reference. Overlapping circles of influence. There was a basis of trust or at least awareness of your life and habits long before you had sex.

 

It's not the same as, oh, meeting a total stranger online and having sex with them within hours... and claiming that has equal results to someone who takes time to get to know someone in advance.

 

We knew OF each other. In high school. Spoke maybe three times...few random encounters that lasted maybe a couple minutes. We didn't even exchange names.

 

That was during the latter part of my senior year. After I graduated, I didn't see her for four years. We didn't have common friends nor did we run in the same circles. I pretty much thought I'd never see her again and the same with her.

 

There was no getting to know each other or courting her all those years. When we bumped into each other again that fateful day four years later, we might as well have been strangers.

 

Yes, there was a very strong mutual physical attraction between us (that was apparent even back in high school) but we knew nothing of each other.

 

Anyways...I don't see how that doesn't apply. The premise of this thread is that having sex too early can be detrimental to the chances of a relationship being successful. And I say that is most definitely not the case. I don't think there is such a thing as too early. As long as you do what feels right and don't use sex as a tool.

[RedRobin]

Aaah, makes a lot of sense. Hey, in that case, bf and I had oral sex the first day we got together, too! We'd just been talking for 3 months before that... ;)

 

Poof! There goes the 'prude' label. ha ha

 

You can now declare yourself sexually 'free' LOL...

[KungFuJoe]

Anyways I think you are missing the point of the thread....and that is regarding having sex before the relationship is established.

 

If you think us having spoken 3-4 times four years prior in high school and having crushes on each other is enough to establish a relationship....then I don't know what to say.

[KungFuJoe]

Aaah, makes a lot of sense. Hey, in that case, bf and I had oral sex the first day we got together, too! We'd just been talking for 3 months before that... ;)

 

Talking or dating? Was there mention of commitment or where you guys stood before the oral sex or did you just dive right into it because the moment led to it?

[Els]

Talking or dating? Was there mention of commitment or where you guys stood before the oral sex or did you just dive right into it because the moment led to it?

 

There was commitment, I suppose, although how much commitment you can have over a distance initially is questionable. I didn't consider myself entirely committed until he flew back to meet me and we did stuff as couples IRL, even though we'd been friends for a year prior to him leaving.

 

Honestly, KFJ, I was just ribbing you. I've no bone to pick about your opinions on this thread, and you and your wife sound like lovely people. I do think some folks aren't as lucky as you, though, and do get messed with when they have sex early, hence their caution.