Do I go back to someone I love, or start fresh?

[mdoane17]

Hi. Long story. I'm 23, bf is 25. We have been together almost 2 years. About 6 months ago he had a one night stand with someone, and totally came clean about it. I decided to try to work through it.

 

About 3 weeks ago, I knew that it was getting serious (talking marriage) . I wanted to take time to think and make sure this is really what I want for life. We agreed on 2 weeks apart, but after 2 days I knew I wanted to be with him forever. When I went back, he then realized that he wasn't sure. He needed time to think. So he took a week, and then decided that he should end it, and he did.

 

After the week of him not knowing (which was very very hard to deal with), it was almost like a relief just to get any answer. It has now been about a week and a half since he decided.

 

I have dealt with it great, and relized that I can be happy on my own. I left his house, but decided toleave all my stuff there and go get it once things calmed down.

 

Well over this past week, I have met someone. He is great. Problem #1 He is 37. 14 years older than me. Problem #2, we work together, but he is gone ALOT because of his job. He is very caring and understanding. He knows all that has been going on & knows pretty much every detail. I've known him for about 2 years, but just started getting close to him latley. He has told me that he is willing to just hang out with me until I get through all that I am going through, but he is hoping for a relationship in the future. I have some feelings for him too. We get along great. I've talked to him on the phone a bit, and gone to lunch with him yesterday.

 

Now the plot thickens, yesterday me, my best friend and her b/f go out to move out all my stuff from his house. (I have alot of stuff out there). The b/f is crying and begging me to try it again. I love him very much. If this had been a week ago, i would have no doubts. But i've realized I can be happy without him too. I take what I can fit on the truck, but still have to go get more today. I've told him no matter what I don't want to live there, It is 45 mins away from my work, friends and family. He offered to sell the house and move down with me. Is that fair to him?

 

I love him with all my heart, but I don't know if I should go back to what we had & try to work it out, or start fresh. Any adivce?

[Weird]

well, it sounds like the guy doesn't know what he truly wants which, sadly is like almost everyone. I see one of two things:

 

1- he thught about not having you there in his life and he wants you to be there since he is so used to it.

 

2- he truly wants to spend the rest of his life with you and is sorry he screwed up by saying he wanted to end things.

 

If you love the guy as you say then I say give it a chance. That is what true love is about....forgiveness and working through problems and being together.

 

I think people who don't try and work stuff out and give things another chance don't truly love the person they say they do. Sadly, this is also the majority of people...they don't know what true love is and run away (not saying you are) whenever a rough spot hits.

[jmargel]

mdoane17,

 

First off.. This 37 year old would be just a rebound, tell him upfront you don't want anything other than a friendship.

 

Second, of course you can be happy without your bf. You should be. No one should ever rely on someone else to make themselves happy. That's not your bf's job. He's not your therapist. Perhaps you are thinking he owes you this (to make you happy) since he has this one night stand?

 

Third, you haven't gotten over the issue with dealing with his cheating. You've been together for 2 years, before the cheating how were things before? Be honest, remember.. This isn't just a bitch session about him. How were you two communicating?

 

Fourth, there is nothing wrong with him getting cold feet and doing something stupid like not knowing what he wanted. Granted he did go a little to far with breaking up with you, but he probably wasn't in the right frame of mind then. He knew his mistake and asked for you back. It's only been a week. Sounds like you want some vindication, because not only has he cheated on you, but he broke up with you. You have every right to be upset.

 

If you do truly love him, and he loves you then I would suggest counseling together. Even though you aren't married, marriage counseling would be the best. Also check out my signtaure for some advice that might help you.

[tokyo]

I think it´s kind of weird if you are able to get over him so fast and find someone else just in a week.... You don´t seem to be ready for marriage and you might have a crush on the new guy, but that´s it, I guess.

[mdoane17]

I do love him, but I also realized how happy I was this past week & 1/2 without him. I miss him terribly, but I have spent time with freinds and family.

 

I've already given him one chance, after the cheating. I don't know if I should keep giving him chances.

 

Before the cheating yes, it was difficult. We were arguing about things, but that doesn't excuse him to run around on me. I know that if we get back together that it's going to get serious, and I'm scared what may happen in say 6 years.

 

I agree that he doesn't seem to know what he wants. His reason why he ended it was because he didn't know if he could "trust" himself in the future to not to hurt me again. If he is capable of cheating in only a year and 1/2, and he doesn't truly trust himself, it's making me second guess everything.

 

About the new guy, I've told him lastnight that I didn't want to rush into anything because I didn't want him to be my rebound. It wouldn't be fair to him. He agreed and we said we would just play it cool as friends for now, but he made it clear that when i'm ready he really would like a relationship. We just really hit it off, and I know that he would give me the world if I asked for it.

 

So that's what i'm debating. Keep going with current relationship that has had some big blows in it, or let it go & start fresh.

[tokyo]

Suggestion, how about taking some time off, before you rush into an old/new relationship? Take some time to figure out what you want for yourself. I don´t think the new guy is a better solution, he´s there, because you feel alone maybe, but I think it´s not a very good idea to jump from one relationship to the next one. You were considering marriage with someone, but only a week after the break up with this person you are interested in someone else. Girl, you don´t know what you want.

[mdoane17]

Originally posted by kooky

I think it´s kind of weird if you are able to get over him so fast and find someone else just in a week.... You don´t seem to be ready for marriage and you might have a crush on the new guy, but that´s it, I guess.

 

I agree, after what has happened these past couple weeks, no I am not ready to marry him. But that doesn't mean that I cant be with him. To me he isn't ready to get married either.

 

I didn't get over him in a week, I was just accepting that it was over and moving on. Someone came along and seemed interested and wanted to talk, so I did. Thinking that b/f's decision was final after the way he talked, I never considered getting to know this guy wrong. He listened to everything I had on my mind about my relationship. He's very understading. I have been completely honest to him.

[tokyo]

I understand your need for talking, I also don´t think it was wrong sharing your feelings with this guy. I just think that you seem to be risking to jump into another relationship without really knowing what you want. My advice is to take it slow, but that´s up to you. I just wanted to point a third possibility that might not have occured to you.

[blackendangel13]

I agree. You should take things really slow. Talk to this guy if it makes you feel better, but also talk to friends too. For your sake now you should avoid any talk of a possible relationship with this new guy. If he says things to you like "When you are ready, I want to be with you" ask him not to say those things yet. You are in no way ready to jump into something else and it is obvious when he says things like that to you it can be confusing and make you question how you feel. Take some time for you to figure out what you want in life. You proved you can be happy without your boyfriend, now prove to yourself you could be happy alone also. Make this time all about you. Be selfish, do things you couldn't normally do if you were tied down, and enjoy life.

[SoleMate]

In your shoes, I'd be tempted to continue moving out and start fresh, but let the old bf know that he was welcome to come back and try to win my heart again. I just don't trust those tears of his. I'm afraid they may be a reaction to the severe pain of separation, not a true indication that he has really thought everything through and wants to be with you.

 

I agree that this 37 year old would be nothing but a rebound and a painkiller for you (in all likelihood). And I personally find something creepy about a guy hovering around a recently broken up lady like a vulture waiting to eat up the scraps once the smoke has cleared. He doubtless knows that you are very receptive to consolation at this time. I'd feel better if he had the guts to approach you when you were NOT in a wounded and stunned state.

 

And jmargel is right...the cheating is a big thing. Is it truly worked through? And do you have any lingering resentment about the repeated rejection by your bf? I would. Counseling is an idea, but I say, let the BF do all the legwork, sign you up, make all the appointments for your convenience, and pay most of the bill. That would be a great way to show that he really wants to build a relationship with you, not just grab a pain pill.

 

Also, since you have considered marriage, please see http://www.marriagebuilders.com.

[Ilovehertodeath]

Sounds like you got out of the pool and you went for the nearest towel. Girls make me laugh when they do this. They get out of a relationship and go for whatever is near just so the new guy can stroke their ego. Then they say "Im confused" "I dont know what I want" "I dont want a relationship right now" --because they dont really LIKE him lol. After they are done sucking the life out of the poor guy they keep him on a string and feed him with BullSh*t to keep him near "I think im falling for you" or "I think this is going to work out". They keep him close until they find "Mr Wonderful" then they say.... "I dont think this is going to work out" in your case you would say "You are too old for me and you work with me".

 

Hrmm so let me guess here...You knew the age difference would be a problem and of course being a co-worker would be a problem too so why did you go to him? You need a man to put you together? DING DING* thats correct. Now that you know your BF is going crazy over you...you LOVE The attention....you dont know if you should go back to him or enjoy the attention you are getting from both guys because you LOVE IT SOOO MUCH! *HIGH FIVE* when your BF finds another girl....thats when you will make your move because you arent in his spot light anymore. *OH NO! ATTENTION METER GOING DOWN!! MAN YOUR BATTLE STATIONS!* and the cycle [expletive deleted] continues.

[izzybelle]

ilovehertodeath, you make me laugh, partially because your style is funny but also because, if i'm not mistaken, men who get divorced are more likely to marry more quickly! what i got from my ex.... weeks of "you hurt me" "i hurt in places i never knew existed" "i'll never get over this" "this isn't what i signed up for"... i wasn't even moved out of the house yet and he was involved with someone else! and wow, he's getting married again in the spring! point is, don't say it's just us girls...some of us went through a bad break up and did just what some here have suggested, took time to find out what we're looking for.

 

and mdoane two things concerned me a little first that you said that it was "almost like a relief" when he made his decision. i know not knowing is hard, just went through a few months of being on the crappy end of "we'll see" but i know it wasn't a relief when i finally found out that it was not the answer i was hoping for. although the not knowing was painful the realization of knowing things were over was significantly more painful. and as some have said, the fact that you were able to move on as quickly would lead me to believe, like others have said, that you need to figure out what you want.

 

and i understand weird's point about people not trying hard enough and maybe there are a bunch of us out there too willing to throw in the towel so quickly but, at the same time you're just dating. if your relationship is this much trouble already and you're having to work hard at it it's worth wondering now whether or not it's worth it. yes, there are bumps and there are potholes and there roadblocks in any relationship. sometimes it's worth it to try to get through them and sometimes people are better off trying a different route! and yes, i know what true love is, i've felt it and it's wonderful. but there's no guarantee that the person on the receiving end feels the same way. so do we beat ourselves up or do we move on?

[backspn]

ROFLMFAO!!!! That was great and it's the truth. The only thing is nobody ever wants to say it. Here's the question you want to ask yourself. What happens when my BF moves on and you have just quite possibly made THE biggest mistake in your life? Take some time here and listen to what ilovehertodeath is saying.

[mdoane17]

I'm not really basing my decision on the new guy. We have discussed that "rebound" relationships aren't right. I have been completely honest with him. When we first started talking it was because he seen me upset after talking with the b/f (ex), and he wanted to to know what was wong. It never really started as anything romantic, just things has now been discussed.

 

Anyways, my dilemma is this: Should I go back to someone who is capable of cheating, and a few days ago didn't think that he could trust himself in the future, and now is suddenly sure (is he just lonely?), or should I start fresh. Not necessarily with new guy, but with anyone.

 

That's what's making me confused. I have already given him a chance after he cheated on me, should I give him another, after he was the one who ended it?

[Ilovehertodeath]

HAHAHA, If you had to discuss the REBOUND thing with him...lol nm. If you did that to me I WOULD BE RUNNING FOR THE HILLS! But this guy seems like he wants to stay around...Yup you know what he wants =). Oh well please keep us updated I really want to see how this turns out. LOL

[Weird]

I don't know how a person can say they love someone yet be willing to "move on" within a week.

 

 

izzybelle,

 

Seriously, most people don't know what true love is. If you truly love someone you don't look for someone else within a week or just give up when a rough spot hits. If you truly love someone you make an effort to try and work stuff out with them. You can truly love someone who doesn't truly love you and when that happens it does suck because you want to make things work out but they don't. Still, it is all about the effort to try. Most people seem to just give up the second anything bad happens...and I'm not even talking about people cheating or whatever.

 

I just don't get how humans can say to someone "oh I love you so much, you are the one for me" blah blah blah yet just run away the minute the road gets bumpy. Not to sound super sexist but women seem to be the main culprits when it comes ot this. They either are talking out of their ass when they say their feelings or they just don't udnerstand what they are saying when they say "I love you." Or, they are just simply too selfish to care.

 

I do agree that there is a point where a person is left with just moving on...but the problem is most people don't even try to work things out and yet again, they say they love someone so much. How does a person not even try to work things out with someone they say they love? Their actions don't fit with their words. Imagine if all parents acted like that...the minute the relationship with their children got bad they just ditched the kids.

[Ilovehertodeath]

From reading her OP (opening post) you know right away she doesnt love the guy...she loved/loves the attention he feeds her ego with. He cheated on her why? because YOU werent doing something right. I bet you blamed him for everything...in your head you are thinking "It was his fault...he cheated on me" but ask yourself why he cheated on you......I know theres more to this story just come out and tell us...I will be able to tell you WHY he cheated on you and WHY he wants you back.

[mdoane17]

I just don't get how humans can say to someone "oh I love you so much, you are the one for me" blah blah blah yet just run away the minute the road gets bumpy. Not to sound super sexist but women seem to be the main culprits when it comes ot this. They either are talking out of their ass when they say their feelings or they just don't udnerstand what they are saying when they say "I love you." Or, they are just simply too selfish to care.

 

Okay, A) I have given him another chance. He screwed around with another girl. I completely took him back. Is that not a bumpy enough road for ya?

 

How many chances are you supposed to give someone without them walking all over you?

 

B)He told me a little while ago when he ended it that he could not "trust himself that he woudn't do it again in the future". That really makes someone think. If he cannot trust himself, how can I trust him? Yet another "bump" in the road.

 

Now he is completely changed his mind and is "sure" that he can do it. Do you blame me for being a little weary here? Forget the other guy, that is not the point of the post. I do love b/f, but when someone tells you that they dont know if they can be faithful in the future, you sort of look at the relationship in a whole different view.

 

It's to give another chance, or not.

[mdoane17]

Originally posted by Ilovehertodeath

From reading her OP (opening post) you know right away she doesnt love the guy...she loved/loves the attention he feeds her ego with. He cheated on her why? because YOU werent doing something right. I bet you blamed him for everything...in your head you are thinking "It was his fault...he cheated on me" but ask yourself why he cheated on you......I know theres more to this story just come out and tell us...I will be able to tell you WHY he cheated on you and WHY he wants you back.

 

What gives anyone the right to cheat on someone and it be ok?

What would an acceptable reason be? Please enlighten me.

[izzybelle]

mdoane, i agree, those are not just bumps they're those nasty little things that pop up out of the road and puncture your tires. they should be enough to stop anyone it their tracks!!! i guess sometimes people feel they have to subscribe to the three times and you're out theory.

 

i understand people really loving each other and wanting to make it work but hey....sometimes love just isn't enough.

 

weird, you're right that most don't know what true love is. i'm 45 married twice and finally just experienced it for the first time. someone that i would have been willing to work through almost (i'll never say every because there are some things that well, just wouldn't be healthy) every bump, etc. but it didn't work out, obviously, although he said he loved me, it wasn't that way for him. and yeah, it sucks big time. but i'm hopeful, it may have taken me this long to find it, but i honestly think i know what i'm looking for now. do you think now that i know that will make it easier or more difficult to find? it's like when you know exactly the type of shoes you're looking for when you go shopping, but nothing lives up to your expectations. ok, so maybe you can't relate to the shoes bit but... i think you get my point!

[Ilovehertodeath]

Look the reason you asked us "Should I go back or start fresh" is because you DONT LIKE THE 37yr old...he was the nearest guy you knew you could take advantage of and get an ego boost while you sit there and think about how much YOUR bf means to you.

 

__What gives anyone the right to cheat on someone and it be ok?

What would an acceptable reason be? Please enlighten me.__

 

Obviously, YOU told your bf it was ok to cheat on you. You took him back..oh and looky here you are asking yourself if you should take him back again....and you still love him even after he did that. lol

 

I feel sorry for your BF if you guys get back together again....He will be madly in love and afraid to lose you again...while you think about the **** he did to you...HAHA you will be in search for Mr.Wonderful then....BOOM bye BF thanks for helping me get back on my feet.

 

If the 37yr old seriously meant anything to you...like your bf DOES! YOU WOULDNT BE ON HERE ASKING US if you should go back. But hes nothing more than a tampon.

[mdoane17]

__What gives anyone the right to cheat on someone and it be ok?

What would an acceptable reason be? Please enlighten me.__

 

 

You avoided the question ilovehertodeath.

 

I really would like you to enlighten me with your knowledge.

 

Your saying it was my fault why he cheated, and I'm asking you what could I possible have done that would make it acceptable for him to cheat?

 

I want you to back up your mouth.

[Ilovehertodeath]

could be many things...physical appearence? Not putting out? Bitchy? list goes on and on... if you give us the WHOLE story I would be able to narrow the list down a bit.

 

P.M. Was I right about the 37yr old? come on give me credit for that one. I nailed that one on the head!

[mdoane17]

Originally posted by Ilovehertodeath

could be many things...physical appearence? Not putting out? Bitchy? list goes on and on... if you give us the WHOLE story I would be able to narrow the list down a bit.

 

P.M. Was I right about the 37yr old? come on give me credit for that one. I nailed that one on the head!

 

So your saying that any of those reasons is acceptable for someone to go out and screw around? If your other 1/2 thought you acted like an ass, didn't get enough skin, or wasn't hot enough, blah blah blah, you would accept that as a good reason why they cheated? Brush it off and say..."yea it was my fault". For some reason i don't think so.

 

Obviously you and I are from 2 differnt worlds. There is no acceptable reason for cheating.

 

About the 37 year old, am I in love with him? No. I've never said that I was. Do I care about him? Yes.