Is is worth trying again sometimes?

[Babolat]

For those that followed my 12 month relationship, I ended it 2+ months ago. She has been reaching out to me wanting to remain friends, stating I am her best friend, she still feels a pull towards me, though we both agree we are happier now. She states she is not partying/drinking near as much as she was while we were dating and feels she was out of rebellion; she knew I did not like it, I talked about it, and she rebelled. Not sure I buy that though I do understand it...

 

After ready Rubys thread: Breaks and Breaking Up - LoveShack.org Community Forums I was inspired to take this approach with her and I. I even shared Rubys post with her and she agreed we were parallel in many places.

 

We met last night for the first talk, to start laying everything on the table. She brought up something that bothered her about me, I listenend, responded, even agreed. Then it was my turn.

 

I brought up the drinking/partying/doing drugs and hanging out in bars, staying overnight in a hotel room with her male best friend, on one occassion given her phone # to a guy in a bar. She spent a lot of time telling me she only partys with people she knows, good friends, when she is out she is constantly networking as thats her career, she is social and she will talk to men, though she makes it clear she is not "interested" in them. She also acknowledged my anxiety, my worry and my distrust. She said even though she may be intoxicated or have a good buzz, she knows what she is doing, she is not that kind of girl and never has been. She was very adamant about that and I could tell it hurt her that I did not trust her.

 

I explained to her it was not about trusting her; it was about putting herself in risky situations where bad things could happen. She repeatedly said she does not hang out with strangers, only her good friends. That she is safe, just having a good time being with friends.

 

She then went on to tell me she spent the entire day Sunday smoking pot and drinking at a family outing. The entire day. Later in the night some man approached her, wanting to take her back to his place, and she said no, leave me alone and walked away. She was using that as an example of how even when high and buzzing she still knows what she is doing. She even said that was the first time ever that had happened to her.

 

There is a part of me that just wants to accept her for who she is, and I wonder why this is a big deal to me. I do trust her, and I do beleive what she tells me. She has alwasy been very open and honest with me, one of the things I like about her. I know she has been faithful to me and I l know she would not cheat.

 

Why is it I cannot accpet that she likes to get a little crazy every so often, get high, party, bond and hang out with her friends? Is that such a bad thing? It's not me, though while we were dating I did some of this, minus the pot, and had a good time.

 

When I remined her she said she is not drinking as much as she was when we were dating, she quickly said "you are judging me again" and got upset. She then responded by stating she is not drinking as often, but it was Memorial Day, that's an exception,

 

She tells me she accepts my bad with the good because the good, is really good. Why can't I do this? I think I associate partying, drinking, drugs and men with sex; men trying to hook up with woman. She said she knows that's how a lot of men are, she sees it, and she knows how to manage it. She thinks my hang ups are with just that, that I know how men can be and I do not trust the men around her. She said one of the many reasons she is attracted to me is because she knows I am not like that. Last night, prior to coming over, she was at a networking event. She said she got hit on many times, but she makes it clear she is not interested and when we were dating she made it clear she was with me. And I actually saw this as I began to meet men in her networking circle (her career) and they knew who I was.

Edited May 31, 2013 by Babolat

[therhythm]

For those that followed my 12 month relationship, I ended it 2+ months ago. She has been reaching out to me wanting to remain friends, stating I am her best friend, she still feels a pull towards me, though we both agree we are happier now. She states she is not partying/drinking near as much as she was while we were dating and feels she was out of rebellion; she knew I did not like it, I talked about it, and she rebelled. Not sure I buy that though I do understand it...

 

After ready Rubys thread: Breaks and Breaking Up - LoveShack.org Community Forums I was inspired to take this approach with her and I. I even shared Rubys post with her and she agreed we were parallel in many places.

 

We met last night for the first talk, to start laying everything on the table. She brought up something that bothered her about me, I listenend, responded, even agreed. Then it was my turn.

 

I brought up the drinking/partying/doing drugs and hanging out in bars, staying overnight in a hotel room with her male best friend, on one occassion given her phone # to a guy in a bar. She spent a lot of time telling me she only partys with people she knows, good friends, when she is out she is constantly networking as thats her career, she is social and she will talk to men, though she makes it clear she is not "interested" in them. She also acknowledged my anxiety, my worry and my distrust. She said even though she may be intoxicated or have a good buzz, she knows what she is doing, she is not that kind of girl and never has been. She was very adamant about that and I could tell it hurt her that I did not trust her.

 

I explained to her it was not about trusting her; it was about putting herself in risky situations where bad things could happen. She repeatedly said she does not hang out with strangers, only her good friends. That she is safe, just having a good time being with friends.

 

She then went on to tell me she spent the entire day Sunday smoking pot and drinking at a family outing. The entire day. Later in the night some man approached her, wanting to take her back to his place, and she said no, leave me alone and walked away. She was using that as an example of how even when high and buzzing she still knows what she is doing. She even said that was the first time ever that had happened to her.

 

There is a part of me that just wants to accept her for who she is, and I wonder why this is a big deal to me. I do trust her, and I do beleive what she tells me. She has alwasy been very open and honest with me, one of the things I like about her. I know she has been faithful to me and I l know she would not cheat.

 

Why is it I cannot accpet that she likes to get a little crazy every so often, get high, party, bond and hang out with her friends? Is that such a bad thing? It's not me, though while we were dating I did some of this, minus the pot, and had a good time.

 

When I remined her she said she is not drinking as much as she was when we were dating, she quickly said "you are judging me again" and got upset. She then responded by stating she is not drinking as often, but it was Memorial Day, that's an exception,

 

She tells me she accepts my bad with the good because the good, is really good. Why can't I do this? I think I associate partying, drinking, drugs and men with sex; men trying to hook up with woman. She said she knows that's how a lot of men are, she sees it, and she knows how to manage it. She thinks my hang ups are with just that, that I know how men can be and I do not trust the men around her. She said one of the many reasons she is attracted to me is because she knows I am not like that. Last night, prior to coming over, she was at a networking event. She said she got hit on many times, but she makes it clear she is not interested and when we were dating she made it clear she was with me. And I actually saw this as I began to meet men in her networking circle (her career) and they knew who I was.

 

As I said before in other posts... there is people who just have doormat complex or something... I don't get it, there are so many good women in the world!

[Ruby Slippers]

we both agree we are happier now

If this is true, why get back together?

 

My boyfriend and I got back together 2 months ago after a break of 3 months - but we agreed we were much less happy apart than we were together. My life is overall much better with him in it, and he's said the same.

 

If I had felt happier without him, I wouldn't have gotten back together.

[Chief Wiggum]

She tells me she accepts my bad with the good because the good, is really good. Why can't I do this?

 

Because her bad, is really bad. (Well, potentially bad)

 

She's a regular drinker, drug user and a party animal where she comes across random guys all the time. That kind of environment increases the chances of her doing something wrong by 10-fold (if she hasn't done so already).

 

You can't trust her, so you did the right thing by not being with her. Stick to it and move on. You know that's the right decision. Quit trying to look for a reason to accept her back.

[kassy]

You are not compatible. Find a girl who doesn't party and drink to excess or do drugs at all. There are lots out there.

 

She is kidding herself that she is always in control of the situations.

[MidwestUSA]

What's the party girl going to be doing when she's 45? 50? Nothing more pathetic than these women in the bars trying to hold on to their past. You say you're both happier now, leave it be.

[therhythm]

What's the party girl going to be doing when she's 45? 50? Nothing more pathetic than these women in the bars trying to hold on to their past. You say you're both happier now, leave it be.

 

The worse thing is that she is already in her 40's :lmao:

[MidwestUSA]

The worse thing is that she is already in her 40's :lmao:

I know. , and I can observe from a SAFE distance (Facebook pics, LOL) what some of my peers from way back are doing today. I'm 51, and they're doing the same things they did in their early 20's. ENOUGH already!

[xpaperxcutx]

Sorry, but if she's trying to come up with reasons why marijuana and drinking are good then she's literally pulling those out of her ass.

 

You've definitely been a good (ex)boyfriend to put up with her partying ways but there should still be boundaries that even if you hadn't brought them up, should have have beem understood on her part.

 

Do you honestly think drinking and smoking are good? She wasn't even partaking in them in moderation, she was going all out and she was flirting and ending up in motel rooms with guys. Instead of having had set strict boundaries of what are acceptable in relationships, she pushed and crossed many, many lines. That's not normal.

 

It's not acceptable behavior either, you know it, I know it, and you have the heart to talk to any of your close friends and families about her, they will tell the same answer- it's not acceptable.

[MrRightNow]

the drinking/partying/doing drugs and hanging out in bars, staying overnight in a hotel room with her male best friend, on one occassion given her phone # to a guy in a bar.

 

This woman is definitely not relationship material. Sounds like you're lonely and making excuses to get back with her. You'd be much better off cutting off all contact with her and dating other women.

[Babolat]

By happier, we both agree not dealing with the anxiety we were both experiencing in our relationship; that has gone. But we do miss each other and we know there is a strong connection. I feel a pull towards her and her to me.

 

I do not plan to contact her at this point. I really do not want to. Listening to her story about smoking "a lot" of pot all day, drinking all day was stressing me out...I felt myself grinding my teeth! Then telling me some randmom man showed up at the camp site asking woman to come back to his place, ugh. Regardless of her being in control, why put yourself in those situations? Her teenage daughter was there too!

 

I get it, when in those moments she bonds with the people she is partying with, and yes, I am curious, and if my job did not randomly drug test me I may try it.

 

And I get that she has slowed down over the past 2+ months, it's not a frequent.

 

She gives me example of husbands of some of her friends who don't let this bother them, they stay home and take care of the kids on those rare moments when the girls want to go out and party. I wonder why I can't be that way or if I am not allowing myself to be that way.

[Babolat]

This woman is definitely not relationship material. Sounds like you're lonely and making excuses to get back with her. You'd be much better off cutting off all contact with her and dating other women.

 

No, not lonely, in fact I am hanging out with 4+ woman now, as friends only. And I stay very busy. I am trying to see if I can be "friends only" with a woman, so far so good. And she knows about these woman too. Some I met while we were dating.

 

Last night she was trying to tell me all of these woman probably want to date me and it's no different then a man hitting on her or talking to her in a bar. I get what she was saying, though not the best analagy.

[therhythm]

 

She gives me example of husbands of some of her friends who don't let this bother them, they stay home and take care of the kids on those rare moments when the girls want to go out and party. I wonder why I can't be that way or if I am not allowing myself to be that way.

 

I am going to give you an advise worth of gold!

A woman who at age 40+ behaves as a woman who is 20 has serious mental/emotional problems! Run from it when you can!

[Babolat]

I have not talked to her since our talk last week. She surprised me and came over last night. Seems she has been doing a lot of thinking since our talk. She had a lot of questions for me.

 

I have been hanging out with other girls, 3-4, no romance, no intimacy as I am not ready to emotionally be involved with anyone else. She knows this as I have talked about spending time with these girls.

 

It was nice to see her last night, I enjoyed being with her, though I am still not sure what's going on. She told me last night I am the first person in her life who balances her, talks and listens to her and is patient when she gets upset or frustrated in a conversation. She acknowledged not being the best communicator and said I am helping her get better by being who I am. She got frustrated, hurt, defensive a few times during our talk last week; I listened, waitied, then was able to bring her back to the conversation in a calm way. She said she has always loved this quality about me and has never had someone in her life that's able to do that with her.

 

That was certainly nice to hear.

 

I don't know if I want to continue our talks, like Ruby did with her conservative guy. I am happy now, though I do miss her and "crave" her if you will. I miss her companionship, her laugh, her smile, her touch, etc. When I am out with my friends, especially my female friends, I find myself thinking about her. As crazy as she was, I kind of liked it most of the time.

 

I am curious to see where she is going with this and if she is willling to adapt or make changes for us. She said she is not smoking near as much (she is a person who smokes when she drinks) and though she is still drinking, not near as frequent as when we were dating. She is working otu and starting to take better care of her self.

 

I can tell she adores me, is into me 150%, I can trust her, always did, just not sure I want to put myself through the anxiety and worry again.

 

Saturday night I went out with some friends, ended up having 5 mixed drinks, even did a shot. Though it was over 4 hours, and we did not get wasted.

[Babolat]

So last night she sent me two texts, one asking me where I think we can compromise on the drinking issue and another one stating she wants to drinks less, she already is, and less frequent, especially when we are together.

 

She is surprising me. While dating, when we talked about her drinking, she alwasy said "I will not change, at least not for you, only for me". I am wondering if time apart and probably talking to friends and family has her rethinking this or has her wanting to change to be in a healthier relationship than her past ones.

 

The problem is i am not sure I want to take the chance to go thru the stress, worry and anxiety I went thru while dating. And, I have been out with 3 difeernet girls, no romance, told them ahead of time I did not want to date, and I am having fun. i am seeing that there are woman out there more like me when it comes to drinking/partying.

 

 

Very confused now....UGH!

[Babolat]

For those following...

 

We met again last night and talked for about an hour. She states regardless of our relationship she has cut back on her drinking, because she wants to. She realizes she was drinking too much while we were dating, brought up some reasons why, and states it's not who she wants to be or what she wants to do. She has no plans to stop and states there will be the occassional 2-3 times a year, a family function, a get together, where she will drink a lot. She asked me what I thought was acceptable to me. i told her I could not quantify it, and she understood that. She said she wants to find a compromise that works for both of us but also realizes that may not be possible. She felt very judged while we were dating and is having a difficult time moving past that.

 

She also brought up some observations about me, which were spot on. She is the first person in my life to see these "things" in me; things I knew about myself, things that confuse me, mostly related to drinking. It's as if I think it's OK for me to drink, and it's not ok for my partner to drink. This is deep rooted in my childhood, my dad was an alcoholic and beat my mom. I also have friends who have end up cheating on their partners when drunk. I associate "drunk" with "bad things will happen". My counselor has been talking tome about this.

 

She admits the 12 months of our relationship was a transitional time for her; coming out of a very controlling relationship, reconnecting with a lot of old friends, friends she use to party with, and she actually apologized for putting me through that. She said she will still hang out with those friends, they will probably drink, but not near as much or near as frequent.

 

We left it at take some more time, think, and maybe get back together and talk some more or maybe we need more time apart.

[Babolat]

After some more talking, mostly me talking and her listening, and her telling me she will compromise and drink less when we are together, but that she still plans to drink with her friends, and i can pick her up when she stays out to 3PM+ in the morning, I have decided this is not worth another go. My anxiety level has increased over the past 2 weeks while we have been hanging out and talking; which is not good.

 

Since she has told me she has slowed down and is not drinking as much, about 3 weeks ago, I count 4+ times she has gone out the local bar to hang out (leaving her daughter alone at home), 3 weekends where she smoked "a lot of pot" and drank a lot" while visiting friends/family out of town. It sickens me to know her daughter sees her drink and party like she does, which was one of my issues when we dated. When I ask her abotu that she say she is teaching her daughter about drinking limits, that she talks to her daughter all the time about drinking and drug use, which I respect, but actions are louder than words.

 

I also talked to her about all the male facebook attention she gets. She said it's just her male friends being who they are, and there is nothing to it. It's nothing for them to say "Hey sexy" or "Looking great girl!"

I disagreed, especially when she Likes the comments. I said these guys are most likely orbiters, I am ok with that, I am secure and not jealous, she just needs to understand it is what it is and that I don't like to see it all over facebook and it's not the woman I want to spend my life with. She even told me a couple of her male facebook friends have asked her out recently since we broke up. Really?

 

She is an amazing woman, we a have a strong, spiritual connection that is deeper than any woman I have ever met. She has all the qualities I am looking for in a parter, at least all the good wualities. Unfortunately I do not want a life of drinking, partying and drug use, even if it's only a couple of times a month. I also see a selfish, immature, irresponsible, somewhat reckless person too, which is something I do not want to deal with.

[Emilia]

The bad comes with the good unfortunately...

[Babolat]

We talked for 2 hours last night, and it was a good talk.

 

The entire men buying drinks conversation was over text, and I took a lot of things out of context.

 

She made it very clear she never accepted a drink from a man while we were dating. She also made it very clear she has high integrity, more than most of her gfs, and she made it clear to any man who approached her, in a bar or elsewhere, she was in a relationship and was not interested, when we were dating.

 

The 3 times while we we dating where she did accept a drink, were times where she was out with a bunch of girls, a birthday girls night out, a man. or group of men would buy the group of girls a round of drinks, and she did accept the drink. There was no talking, not sociailizing with the men. As she put it, it was men buying a round for the party, that was it. And she saw nothing wrong with that. She worked as a bartender for 15 years and states this is very common. A group of girls are out celebrating, a man. or group of men will buy them around of drinks, and it's all in good fun. If the men expressed other interests she made it very clear she was not interested that way.

 

I could see/feel her anger and frustration that I put her in the bucket of woman who do accept drinks, who do talk to men and who do not have boundaries when they are in a relationship. Knowing I thought this way about her really upset her.

 

We talked about some of the things that concerned me while we were dating. Mainly, the 2-3 times she stayed in a hotel room with her male best friend while he was in town. She got upset and said she was not in the room alone with him, there was always another friend, in 2 cases one of there common female best friends. She said she wanted to spend more time with them, see them, catch up, and stay out. It made sense to take a cab, and go back to the room. She sees no difference between that and going back to someones house to crash for the night.

 

She was good at saying she understood how I felt, how some of thi smade me feel uncomfortable. She said over and over that she is not that kind of woman, that she carrys herslef well and she made it clear she was with me.

 

I asked if her male best friend, who she sees as a brother, ever showed sexual interest in her. She said yes, when they first met, and she made it clear she was not interested and that would never happen. He has never hit on her or brought it up since. Since then she has been engaged in a 7 yearsrelationship, and then dated me. I met him while we dated and could instantly see he is a male whore, and she agrees, though I could tell she truly cared for him and saw him as a friend.

 

She said she gets scared thinking about us dating again as she felt defensive when with me; defensive with her drinking. She has cut way back on her drinking, and as she put it she is back to where she was, more normal, prior to when we met. I told her the same, i am scared to date again not knowing if she truly has cut back, and I do not know what normal drinking is for her. She said when we broke up she took a hard look at herself and realized she did not want to drink as much as she had been, she did not want to be that person, and changed for her.

 

We both agreed the past 5 months has been wonderful, when we did see each other. She said that's who she is now.

 

I have been talking about going no contact, and last night she agreed to it.

 

I am sad, I truly love and care for this woman, yet I know some things are just not right. She feels the same. Each time we talk I feel better, I gain a better understanding of who she is and how she thinks, and so does she. Who knows what the future holds.

[Babolat]

3+ days NC since our last talk last week, not directly because of this post, but because I suggested it (many times actually) and she finally agreed to it.

 

It hurts, bad, and I miss her texts, as she makes me smile. We shall see how this goes.

 

Thanks for the feedback here!

[BC1980]

Sometimes, the other person is just who they are. It doesn't mean that you have to accept it. You can fall in love with someone who is totally wrong for you.

[Babolat]

Update: Almost 3 weeks NC. She did send me an email Friday night, which I waitied until Sunday night to read and reply to.

 

She wanted to tell me, again, she is not drinking as much, went the entire week without drinking, did not go out, and they she does not think she has a problem at all. She did have to say, which I thought was cute, "but I am going out tonight!"

 

She said she misses me, loves me, sees us together, growing old together, that she needs more time to make sure she is OK with her "going out" and drinking. She is afraid to lose me, but understands it may happen, and that she is scared to date again because of how she loses herself when dating.

 

I replied, pretty much acknowledging her comments, repeating what I heard.

[Babolat]

It's been almost 3 months since I have had contact with the ex gf, and I feel great.

 

Well, this morning, she texts me, asking if she can meet me for dinner next week, her treat. I did not respond. Later today she texted again stating she knows I am probably wondering why, obviously she would like to talk to me, it's more than that though.

 

I really don't want to see her; though, part of me does, I am curious as to what she wants to share with me.

[Babolat]

See update here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/418079-great-read-no-contact-wondering-if-i-should-do-5.html