alicego Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 I started seeing this guy from work back in December. We fell in love but he was in a 17 year relationship with girlfriend. He finished with her in january, I spent Christmas Eve, his birthday, my birthday with him. and moved in with me in June, he told her he was moving in with a friend. After one night, he got up and said he had to tell her about me. he told her he had been seeing me but didn't tell her my name or that I worked with him. I then got a text saying he still loved her. they went away for a week to Spain. After 6 days he started texting my friends to get my mobile number and finally I contacted him. He said he had been persuaded against his better judgement and did it through guilt. He said he missed me so much and felt sick at not seeing me.They finished again, she went mad. he packed a bag to come over, but then phoned saying he had seen her making her way to my house (sheknew where it was as had gone over to move his stuff out) She just sat staring up at window. i felt awful. He called her and she said she had seen me. But I met him after and even though I felt awful he went back home again. He said we should do the NC thing and we did, this worked for a while. It was hard as working in small office. He also said no sex as he didn't want to use me. They sorted out a settlement as she never wanted to leave the house. She went away for a week. He obviously got nicely settled on own and he text me saying he would never leave the house but then spent 2 days after text with me. he said he needed stability and when she was coming back he was crying and dreading her coming back. He has always said he loved me but felt so much guilt towards her. We carried on seeing each other as friends (no sex!) and he got more and more heavy about how much he loved me and had never stopped. he said he felt guilt and responsibility towards her and guilt, desire and responsibility towards me. he told her 3 weeks ago that he worked beside me and she said she would move out. She hit him and didn't move out. I got made redundant 2 weeks ago and he was so sad, he said he knew he was at a crossroads and I said I was worried i would never see him (we did meet out of work as well). he said I would not get rid of him that easily and that he had not gone through all this heartache for nothing. he said he dreaded not seeing me. He said he thought about me all the time and would never stop loving me. he said he had nothing in common with her, had discovered a letter from her finishing the relationship but she had never given him it. He said he had been unhappy for 2 years but had stayed out of comfort, habit etc Up to 4 days ago he was still phoning then he wihdrew as before when she was away and I got a text on friday saying he couldn't see him leaving the house, thanks for a wonderful time, he would miss me and then another text 3 hours later when I didn't reply saying please don't hate him and sorry for taking so long. I now found out he is on a week off so probably away with her. Just like the Spain trip all over again. I am so confused. Think I was just used. I miss his friendship so much. But know he is weak and not sorted out his head. I need to get my self respect back but feel awfull. I fell in love and at first we were good friends and maybe it just got out of hand for him. he says he never cheated before and kept telling me it was over between them but they never actually parted from house although in separate rooms (so i was told) I did see some texts from her so do know he did tell her about me. Link to post Share on other sites
The_Analyzer Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 Sounds to me as if he isn't sure what he really wants. Personally I think he is playing the both of you. I think you should do the NC thing again, and make it clear to him that you all need space, and he needs to find out what he truly wants and to stop bouncing back in forth between the 2 of you. I would also let him know that while you're doing the NC thing you will not wait around for him to make up his mind. Go out live a little and let whatever happen, happen. Try not to give into him either when he decides one minute he wants to be with you, just to turn around the next day and go be with her again. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 Sorry you're in so much pain. Sounds like he is having his cake and eating it too. I maybe would give him lots of space, and just let him know he needs time by himself ALONE for afew months, then when he is single and free (if he leaves her for good) then see how a relationship might go between you two. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 Sorry for your suffering. I hope others can read this and understand that people who claim to be exiting longterm relationships are VERY poor risks! They can be cynical users, or just weak and genuinely confused about how to avoid pain. It's mostly their OWN pain they are trying to minimize. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 Jeesh, he's wishy washy. Do you want to be with someone so wishy washy? Do you want to risk getting into a five year relationship with him, and having his child, for him to run off with her again? You need to protect yourself before this gets worse, and get out now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alicego Posted October 5, 2004 Author Share Posted October 5, 2004 Hey thanks for your support. Its hard the NC thing but am doing ok. He text tonight saying his friends had advised him to finish it with me (can't think for himself!) and he was away as friends with ex or whatever she is to him to see if he can forget me. He said he couldn't and if he still felt the same by weekend knows he should be with me. And i should think about it. God talk about game playing and control! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 Well, Do you own thing then. Go pamper yourself, see some friends and go have FUN. He has to decide sooner or later to sh*t or get off the pot. Just don't stick around and wait for the stink!! It may never end. All the best and keep posting. Hugs! WWIU Link to post Share on other sites
Author alicego Posted October 5, 2004 Author Share Posted October 5, 2004 thanks so much. really appreciate everybody's help and views. Makes me feel better than beating myself up about it as i have been and chain smoking Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 Ha, rather see ya chain smoking right now that beat up on yourself!! I know neither are healthy but right now the smoking is the less of the 2 evils!!! Take it easy and I'm glad the advice here is helping you through your hard times. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 Hi Alicego What a sticky mess – all I can add is that its unlikely to be a healthy relationship if it had worked out and he’d come straight to you from 17 years with her. If he’s not been happy for 2 years, he’s spineless in not dealing with it or moving on. He’s flaky in the extreme, and that much confusion would never bode well for you and him to start something up. If he’s that unhappy but willing to stay with her, he doesn’t know how to make himself happy so he sure as anything isn’t going to be able to keep you happy. You don’t want that baggage in your life – think of this as a lucky escape. Ps I survived off cigarettes and bananas for 3 months last year, did wonders for my complexion. BB Link to post Share on other sites
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