Boyfriend's 'special' female friend coming back

[Celie]

im in a similar sitch involving my boyfriend's close uh, gal pal & even though they say conceal your jealousy, it SUCKS! it's tough! what's going on with me is that my bf & i have a tricky history (he dumped me, then spent months trying to get me back & did, but i will always have some insecurity. anyway...), but we love each a lot & work hard on the relationship (it's been a year since we got back together; we also share an apt).

 

he met this girl through work: she's an art dealer, he's a talented albeit struggling artist (i.e. she can help him a great deal in his career & he is aware of this). so needless to say, he treats her like a queen, whereas he can be to the point of slightly verbally abusive to me sometimes, which is s/t we're working on. also, they have loads in common in addition to the art, jst random, random interests that me & him don't share. in fact, they are so into the same things it's slightly humorous (if i were just his friend i would be like, "dude, this girl is your soulmate!). they chat incessantly (he is quite quiet with me). worse, she's adorable: one of those girls who is beautiful but totally unaware of it, wears no makeup, etc; sweet & ridiculously cool (she has a zillion guy friends & you can tell they are all secretly in love with her! which would be cute if my BF weren't one of them! ha...) i get along with her ok b/c again, she is totally rad. i know it sounds like a) i'm jealous of her; b) i have the crush on her(!) but my problem is again, the emotional depth of their relationship & it perhaps exceeding him & i's intimacy level & yes, the fact that their relationship reps all of the things wrong with ours! it's bizarre!

 

so here's the deal: she lives abroad, & has always had a BF herself (she just got out of a serious relationship & is now in a new one, um, with one of her guy "friends.") i know she doesn't even live here but she & my BF email each other all the time & talk on the phone & she visits often & stayed w/ us once, at which point i had to let him know that i feel threatened by her. still, knowing this, he asked if she could stay with us for her next visit (a whole WEEK in fact in our cramped apt) & since it's good for his career, i said ok. (a few of her other "BFs" in town offered their pads but she declined b/c she told me she feels so close to MY BF. wha!?! ok...) & she doesn't make it a secret that she adores him big time. anyway, i'm trying to be cool but she's here & i'm physically depressed--no appetite, fatigued--so it's hard. i feel like as soon as she leaves i want to break up with him!

 

i know a lot of this is about problems he & i obviously need to work on, but tell me this: has anyone ever experienced anything similar w/ their guys lady friends & felt nuts??? am i just crazy & overreacting? should i be pissed at him for putting me in this lame sitch knowing how i feel? & how do i recover & make him think i'm cool again & not some jealous loser which is how i'm coming off to him now? HELP!

[Cricket96]

You've got a toughie. I know EXACTLY how you feel. My ex had a girl like that around him. They had so much fun together, so guess what I did? I dumped him. He still loves me though, but I fell out of love after seeing how great they would be together.

[Celie]

EXACTLY. i feel heartbroken but so alienated by him as well. & he is so attentive to her that i see his potential but also that he's not giving it to me!

 

so do you regret your decision to dump him? & big question: after you did do you think he attemped a relationship with Miss Fun? & what is your involvement with him now?

[Cricket96]

No, I don't regret my decision to dump him because I already fell out of love w/ him. He told me he won't be that girl's friend anymore. I told him I didn't want that to happen. Well, we've broken up for like 3 years now and I'm dating someone else. I don't think he knows where that girl is anymore. I did a name search and found out that she's a gambler now. She was so beautiful too. I thought she went off and became some yuppie, but obviously she didn't.

 

If it bothers you so much and he doesn't seem to care, I would let it go. You should just enjoy life for now w/o him and concentrate on you.

[Celie]

thanks so much for your help!

 

well she left & i (stupidly) said ok buddy, next time i would prefer it if she stays w/ some of her other friends b/c i felt so uncomfortable & it's hard for me to have her as a houseguest when i'm unable to get away from the situation (b/c she's camped in my living room!) & out of respect to me can he pls just consider that? he said NO b/c my jealousy was totally unjustified (it usually is ain't it?) & was so angry & said HE was drained b/c of it & how lame it was that he had to overcompensate by being really affectionate w/ me all week. he makes a good point but is the fact that he is unwilling to say, "well, if it makes you feel that bad then i can make that compromise" a relationship dealbreaker!?! in anger i said well if u can't consider it then maybe we should break up & he was like "see, you're hurting ME" & that no matter what he will NOT tolerate my unjustified jealousy.

 

i was up all night & this morning we seemed cooled off a bit but i asked him if we could make a special "date night" & he was like "well we spent a lot of time together this week," & i said "i mean alone" & he just said "ok enough, can u chill?" & left. uh, guess that's a no! so is this just a lost cause? i'm so freaked b/c i'm still so in love with him. & i can't decide if i'm just being psycho GF or if he is doing me wrong. plus if we do break up it would suck if she was part of the reason why!!!