Am I doing more good or bad?

[Stay]

So my (ex)girlfriend and I just finally moved out, we lived together for a while got a bit too comfortable and I started to not be as affectionate as I should be.. she said she lost feelings because of that, etc. and she can't see us together and all that stuff. That was about 3 months ago, we stayed together until everything with the house was over... there were a few ups and downs during this time with things about the relationship.

 

So today we officially turned in the keys and I've been helping her move into her new place. I spent the night there last night as I didn't have a place to go to. I've helped her put stuff together and I'm going to help her next week to replace some other minor things, etc. I had tickets to an amusement park and asked her if she wanted to go in 2 weeks.

 

I'm unsure if all the things I'm doing are harming me more than helping but I feel like I'm just going to take it one day at a time like we're starting fresh again.. re-dating her as you can say. Our separation only really begun today since this is the day we officially aren't seeing each other everyday so maybe that'll help? Everytime we do spend time together though she seems to have a great time and laughing and smiling just normally. Lately though since we've been moving the stuff she's been very sad and emotional as she and I are expected to be.

 

We've been dating for almost 7 years. Lived together for about 3. I've just been too focused on trying to finish school that I didn't pay attention to her which is equally as important in my life as school.

 

Over the years we've been together there's rough times and arguments like I'm sure any other couples have but I feel we grew together. We are on the same path, similar goals if not exactly the same, I can just stay home with this girl and watch a movie.. just doing nothing sometimes. Yet we can also go places together and enjoy every bit of it. She haven't been getting what she wanted affection wise and that is what lost her interest.. I understand she wants me to touch and acknowledge things which i did but very little.. I enjoy cooking and doing things to help her more but I understand there's different ways of loving and I have to speak her language of love in order for her to understand.

 

Also sometimes people ask about us, I tell them we're going through a rough time.. she does the same. All I can see right now is she wants to see what it's like without me to see if she's making the right decision because we've been together for so long that we might be blinded by some things.

Edited June 1, 2013 by Stay

[juicygirl]

You guys need to figure out what the hell it is you're doing. It sounds like you want to be with her, but have you told her that? If she wants to be with you too, why oh why is she moving out? If she wants to be with you running away isn't going to help things.

 

Are you happy with her going to see if the grass is greener? What if she meets someone else? Or what if she meet someone else it doesn't work out with the new guy and comes running back to you? would you be happy with that?

 

This sounds like damage that can be repair unless something else is going on here.

[Stay]

Yes I have told her that she told me she's afraid it'll happen again and that's why she's so scared to jump back into it, she's afraid she'll get hurt again. It seems like she does want to be with me but she's afraid of things going bad again and also wants her "feelings" to come back... At this point there won't be feelings if she doesn't allow it to happen which I think is happening because sometimes I catch her giving me that look but instead she'll hug me or put her hand on my face.

 

The truth is I'm fine with giving her space and seeing how it is on her own.. seeing her with another guy isn't something I'll be happy to see. She's also not the type to jump into a relationship quickly, etc. She dates more for a long time partner and there aren't many guys that have her interest easily at all. It takes a lot from this girl, it literally took me all I had when we started to actually grab her attention so I know for a fact she won't be getting into another relationship that easily.

 

Other than that I do agree the damage is repairable but she has to allow it to be.. At this point she's trying so hard to stick to what she said even though her feelings may feel a bit towards the opposite. There's really nothing else that is affecting our relationship. I just need to show more affection and acknowledge the things she does so she understands, she's more of a verbal and physical touch lover and I've been lacking there.

[totallylost5040]

Stay, I am in the same boat, except we didnt live with one another.

 

right now I'm in the no contact phase and we are in the transition of being friends.

 

For me I would just give her some time. Right now I'm sure you're emotions are really really raw. I made the mistake of asking again and not giving up while emotions were raw and I got shut down, hard hahaha

 

But I've learned that giving her time will do both of you some good, I found out through someone that she's at times asking if I'm ok, and she texted me if I feel better, and all that stuff. So its not easy on both sides of the playing field, its just that one person gets over it faster.... the sooner BOTH of you get over it faster, the sooner both of you can explore... what is next... friends.. not friends.... try again... continue? I only say TRY AGAIN, because sometimes in order to re-start a new relationship, the old one HAS to def. end.

[Stay]

Stay, I am in the same boat, except we didnt live with one another.

 

right now I'm in the no contact phase and we are in the transition of being friends.

 

For me I would just give her some time. Right now I'm sure you're emotions are really really raw. I made the mistake of asking again and not giving up while emotions were raw and I got shut down, hard hahaha

 

But I've learned that giving her time will do both of you some good, I found out through someone that she's at times asking if I'm ok, and she texted me if I feel better, and all that stuff. So its not easy on both sides of the playing field, its just that one person gets over it faster.... the sooner BOTH of you get over it faster, the sooner both of you can explore... what is next... friends.. not friends.... try again... continue? I only say TRY AGAIN, because sometimes in order to re-start a new relationship, the old one HAS to def. end.

 

 

In the beginning it was difficult and yes I did make mistakes of begging and asking unnecessary stuff. But after a while I began to understand that I can't change it or force anything cause that'll make things worse.

 

Right now it's just very difficult because I'm not going to be seeing her every night anymore or that often at all. I'm positive it's affect her too because she's been very sad and emotional the past week.

 

When you say "try again" and in order for a new relationship to re-start the old one has to end. Does that mean you have to leave the old relationship and start as if you're with a new girl and deal with the past as the past? Work to become better?

[totallylost5040]

Yes Stay,

 

You HAVE to get over the past one before working on a new one, no matter who its with.

 

speaking of, I just saw a mutual friend of ours post a pic of facebook of my old girl and man, it SUCKS

[Stay]

I'm trying no contact but the last 3 days she's been contacting me.. Nothing about us but just about things she needs help with, asking questions that I know. Also she would text me small things that are on her mind, specifically about our dog. Today she contacted me in the morning but started with a sorry for bothering you.

 

We're going to an amusement park next week, I asked her last week since I had free tickets. She told me she's been wanting to go. She wanted to take me out to dinner for helping her with some stuff and although I told her it's ok, she told me to just accept it. It's really hasn't been that long but it's harder than I thought. Don't know what she's going through. Also in the beginning of the week she had me spend the night because it was too late to drive home, slept in the same bed. She asked for a massage.

 

All these things make me feel like a couple but at the same time not because I can't cuddle with her, etc. When I left she wanted a hug.. usually throughout our little incident she doesn't want many hugs. Not sure what's going through her mind. Any insights?

[aisuru]

You are treading in dangerous territory dude.

 

And you know it.

 

[Stay]

Explain to me? She knows my intentions, if she doesn't want anything or want me to think of anything then she wouldn't do that, no?

[TaraMaiden]

The way to really put this to the test is to go No Contact.

 

You say you went No Contact but then the last three days she's been contacting you.... that's not her, breaking it....

YOU broke No Contact.

She didn't.

You responded. That's on you, not her.

If she knocks, and you don't answer the door, contact is not broken.

If she knocks - and you OPEN that door - YOU have essentially broken YOUR own rule.

 

Go No Contact, stay No Contact and keep your head low, do not reply, respond, re-connect, engage or talk about anything.

 

If she truly sees a future with you - she will find a way of letting you know she can't live without you.

 

Otherwise, it's all just 'breadcrumbs' and keeping you in the friend-zone.

 

Bad idea.

[Stay]

TaraMaiden, that makes sense but even if I made my intentions clear do you think she'll still do that? If I specifically told her I still wanted to be with her, etc.

 

It's just weird to see that she would do all this when obviously she knows what I want.

[TaraMaiden]

What you want is irrelevant to her.

It's not what she wants.

What she wants is for you to hang around, be a friend, and be an option.

Not a priority.

She's using you as a guilt-alleviator.

 

if you're still there as a buddy, then the break-up can't have hurt much, can it?

So that makes her feel better.

 

This 'friendship' isn't for your benefit - clearly.

 

It's for hers.

[Stay]

Makes sense. I will try my best to do it. I guess the only way is to actually give her space to miss me and actually feel how it's like apart without me. Surely it'll be difficult on both sides and we'll see where it goes from there.

[TaraMaiden]

It will be difficult for you, because you love her, and want to continue a relationship with her.

 

it will be difficult for her, because she wants the familiar, and wants to be able to use you as she's doing.

Rather like changing a pillow for a cushion.

 

To you, it's a break up.

To her it's a break of habit.