Isn't this just typical?

[spiderowl]

I'm on a dating site or two. I've chatted to quite a few guys. I've met some. I've been chatted up in real life by guys too, but it's extremely rare to feel a connection.

 

So this guy contacted me on a dating site. He sounds funny, interesting, intelligent, kindly - and he's married! He's honest about being married, which I guess is something (I despise those who lie). But the main 'problem' is this is the first real connection I've felt in years. It was practically instant, his first few lines were just so well written and captivating. Damn!

 

I'm going to be meeting a guy soon, who is not married and who is really interested in me. I've been chatting to him for a while, but there was no instant 'wow' factor and although he's a really nice guy, there hasn't been anything capitivating. In a few sentences, the married guy has managed to supercede the reliable, kindly guy who really likes me. So what do I do?

 

I'm not going to meet the married guy, flirt with him, or anything like that. I believe in fidelity and honesty. I know that taking it further with him would mean terrible pain for his wife and for me. I don't want to be second best, on the back burner, the other woman. I want a guy all to myself. But now I have this spectre which is going to haunt me of this instant emotional and mental connection. The guy has effectively thrown a spanner in the works of my plodding and unsuccessful love life. It's so depressing!

[metal_chick]

I know the feeling of being haunted. I'm haunted too. You're doing the right thing. Good luck with your date! :-)

[foul4love]

The fact that you are on this message board you are considering it. A lot of us have been where you are now and ended up getting burnt. Please stay strong and don't give into the temptation.

 

A lot of people have been on the path you are on and have stayed away. keep walking that path.

[spiderowl]

I know the feeling of being haunted. I'm haunted too. You're doing the right thing. Good luck with your date! :-)

 

Thanks, I'll don't know if I'll go ahead with that date now. How can I when I know I don't feel passionately interested, just that he seems a nice guy?

[spiderowl]

The fact that you are on this message board you are considering it. A lot of us have been where you are now and ended up getting burnt. Please stay strong and don't give into the temptation.

 

A lot of people have been on the path you are on and have stayed away. keep walking that path.

 

Thanks for your reply. I was considering whether there was any good or legitimate reason why a married guy would be contacting others. Other than just for someone new to talk to, I can't see one. He's already said he's attracted to me so he's not talking as if he's looking for friends.

 

I've thought about it and while he sounds fascinating to me, I just don't need the pain and, quite honestly, I feel angry with him for even thinking it's a good idea to do what he's doing. Why try to engage women in whatever he's got in mind, knowing he's in a good family relationship and is unlikely to ever leave it? Why assume that a woman without a guy would be willing to help him out of an unhappy relationship, even if he was willing to leave it? He is playing, playing with fire and any woman who will play that game too. He is so far from what I need at the moment. It's striking though that no-one else who is available has that spark. It makes me feel depressed and hopeless, to be honest.

[HonestNeurotic]

You should still go. Not everyone comes across as they really are in online chatting. You could be pleasantly surprised! I think online dating is great - but I also know from back when I was doing it that you really never knew until you met them in person if you "clicked" or not.

 

I met my husband that way. No sparks or anything, but we had some common interests and I always insisted on going "dutch" on dates anyways. And then, the rest, as they say, is history. Never went out with anyone else again.

[metal_chick]

Thanks, I'll don't know if I'll go ahead with that date now. How can I when I know I don't feel passionately interested, just that he seems a nice guy?

 

Give it a crack. One date won't hurt. You can always say no to a second...

[carhill]

Isn't this just typical?

 

Another way to look at it is you have single male potentials to consider. That in itself can be a gift.

 

What worked for me in my demographic is/was to view anyone who is suspected of or has demonstrated to be married as, to use a euphemism from my years in oilfield services, a 'dry hole'.

 

When I was younger, a generation ago, I could have made your posting. Time and experience taught some tools.

 

OTOH, as a married person, I discovered that the tools I learned to be married also worked wonders on single women and that it was quite easy to lubricate that path, as this man has apparently done with yourself, if I so chose. During that period of marriage, I commented on 'the power of the ring' as an attractant, but in reality it was a combination of the confidence from forming a marriage as well as a lack of outcome dependency. Married guys can be 'smooth' and, as a single man I was decidedly not, so the marriage process had to be the explanation.

 

Keep that in mind if you meet any more married guys with whom you feel a 'connection'. One potential. Good luck.

[spiderowl]

Another way to look at it is you have single male potentials to consider. That in itself can be a gift.

 

What worked for me in my demographic is/was to view anyone who is suspected of or has demonstrated to be married as, to use a euphemism from my years in oilfield services, a 'dry hole'.

 

When I was younger, a generation ago, I could have made your posting. Time and experience taught some tools.

 

OTOH, as a married person, I discovered that the tools I learned to be married also worked wonders on single women and that it was quite easy to lubricate that path, as this man has apparently done with yourself, if I so chose. During that period of marriage, I commented on 'the power of the ring' as an attractant, but in reality it was a combination of the confidence from forming a marriage as well as a lack of outcome dependency. Married guys can be 'smooth' and, as a single man I was decidedly not, so the marriage process had to be the explanation.

 

Keep that in mind if you meet any more married guys with whom you feel a 'connection'. One potential. Good luck.

 

Thanks Carhill, I do agree. He can play online, safe in the knowledge he has his wife and family to fall back on if it goes wrong. It's sheer selfishness and literally just a game to him.

 

I don't think a ring has anything to do with the attraction, from my point of view, but of course he has confidence and can have a sense of light-hearted fun that single guys might not find so easy, given that it's all or nothing for them. I think you are right that lack of outcome dependency makes a difference.

 

Well, I said goodbye to him online. It is a dead end for me, simple as that.

[spiderowl]

It hasn't been entirely goodbye, yet. He just writes so much better and is much more interesting than guy I'm supposed to be meeting. The contrast is stark. Maybe it's not fair to meet the nice-but-boring guy. I do like intelligence and banter, someone who can cover a range of subject areas and still leave me feeling like I know they are bright! This doesn't happen very often. I know it can't and won't go anywhere, but life seems unfair.