How to handle a cheating ex-gf who "wants to be friends"...? !

[renee123]

This is a long, complex story, so I will just get right into it.

 

I am asking this on behalf of a friend. I have already advised him what I think is the right thing to do, but he wanted a few unbiased opinions.

 

So, "Fred" began dating "Wilma" and things started off on a very good note. He was instantly very attracted to her and found her to be absolutely stunning (as most people do - she is a beautiful young lady). They had an instant connection, and talked easily about many things. Fred is a highly successful and well-established man, and he also loved that Wilma was highly intelligent and going places in life. They spent a considerable amount of time together in the first couple of months, and got to know each other quite well. The trouble began with Wilma's crazy, wild ways and her drinking. Yes, they met during a time where she was free from school/work responsibilities, so I am sure that played a factor in her drinking/partying, but it was still out of control. No excuses.

 

They had a very strong sexual connection, and Fred was just blown away by her beauty, so I think he let her drinking issues slide for too long. She had a bad habit of getting up from the dinner table when they were entertaining a few of Fred's friends, and disappearing to other parts of the house, because she was bored. Please keep in mind that Wilma was in her mid-20s at the time, and quite a bit younger than Fred and his friends. Regardless, she did this on at least two separate occasions, despite Fred letting her know how much it upset him, after the first time she did it. Wilma is a bit of a spoiled gal, as she has always gotten whatever she has wanted her entire life, without having to work for it (she comes from a wealthy family). So, she has a "princess complex" and has a strong sense of entitlement. She is also quite immature and really enjoys flirting/dancing/partying/behaving recklessly. There were some other minor issues re: her behavior, but once again, Fred let them slide because he really, really liked Wilma and felt a strong pull towards her.

 

Here's where things get even worse.. Wilma got intoxicated at a gathering at Fred's house and ended up having oral sex with another female friend of his and kissing the female's husband, another friend of Fred's. When Fred found out and confronted her, she denied having any memory of what had taken place, as she has a history of blacking out when drinking excessively. Fred still did not break it off with her, and mulled things over for a week. He then contacted the female friend to get to the bottom of what had actually happened that night. The female friend was brutally honest with Fred and told him everything. Fred was very upset/angry and felt betrayed by Wilma - and rightfully so. He once again confronted her and she once again played the same card. She apologized profusely and asked for another chance. Fred, liking her so much, gave her another chance. He invited her to another party at his home - this time for the birthday celebration of a close female friend of his - and Wilma came. However, they had argued over the phone prior to the party, so there was definitely some tension between Fred and Wilma.

 

Wilma once again got intoxicated at the party. Fred and her ended up having sexual intercourse during the party. Wilma was feeling upset because even though her and Fred were still in a relationship, she knew he was very upset and she did not feel secure as to where she stood with him. The alcohol mixed with her emotions led to more drama. A very close male friend of Fred's was flirting with Wilma all night and filling her head with stories about how Fred was going to break up with her and how he was only with her because she was hot etc. When Fred had to leave the party due to an emergency, Wilma and this male guest ended up making out for close to an hour. The next day, another guest told Fred of what had transpired between Wilma and the gentleman in question, as this guest had seen them making out etc. It was at this point that Fred had had enough. He broke up with Wilma and told her that he was beyond angry/upset/disappointed. She apologized again and asked for another chance, but he said no. He was very hurt - again, rightfully so.

 

The next day, Wilma ended up texting Fred with some very angry comments. Fred responded in kind and they ended up talking over the phone for an hour. Fred told Wilma to give him some space, as he was hurting very badly. They did not have any contact for a month. Wilma then reached out to Fred and they slowly started messaging each other again. Eventually, they saw each other and things transpired. Wilma was back to school at the time, and she had cut back drastically on her drinking/partying. Fred saw a major change in her, and realized that he wasn't over her at all and that he still had strong feelings and wanted to be with her again.

 

They saw each other again, and had sexual intercourse. At that time, Fred told Wilma that he had thought about her past indiscretions, and was willing to forgive and forget, and give it another shot. They got back together, but it didn't last long, as Wilma proved to Fred that she hadn't changed all that much. She was on Christmas break from school and resorted back to her drinking/partying ways. Fred felt hurt again, and deceived, so he once again broke it off with her. She apologized yet again and asked for another chance, but Fred said no. They didn't have much contact for a month or so. Wilma reached out again and said that she wanted to talk to Fred. They had a phone conversation and she told him how much she missed him etc. Fred told her that he was trying to be healthy and that he was trying to move on with his life. He didn't want her hurting him anymore. They were still talking/texting for the next month or so.

 

Wilma ended up writing Fred a very long, heartfelt letter. In this letter she told him that she was sorry for all the pain she had caused him. She also indicated that she was in love with him, and that he had a very positive influence on her life. Eventually, she worked her magic on Fred again and he agreed to see her. They had some sexual contact, and he of course was still immensely physically attracted to her. Wilma wanted to get back together with Fred, but he told her that he was scared of her hurting him again. He also reminded her that he was casually dating a few different women, and even having intercourse with one. Wilma said that she did not mind, and that she wanted to have a friendly relationship with Fred. However, that very same day after she left his house, she sent him a series of very rude, angry messages indicating that he was a pig for seeing other women and wanting to still have sex with her as well. She also said some other very uncalled for and nasty things. She told him never to contact her again and that she had deleted his number off of her phone. At this time, Fred blocked Wilma from messaging his phone.

 

They had no contact for the next three months - besides Fred accidentally dialing her when his phone was not locked. After three months, Wilma sent Fred an email saying how sorry she was and that she missed talking to him etc. She told him that she was no longer in love with him, and that she did not want a relationship with him or with anyone else. She asked for his friendship and left it at that. Fred did not respond, so she sent him another message, as she had finished her school and was graduating with an "A" average. She thanked Fred for all his support and encouragement with her school and indicated that she could not have done it without him, as he was the one who talked her into cutting back on her drinking and finishing her university education. She also offered to "buy him a drink" as a small token of her appreciation. At this time, Fred replied to her email and told her that he was glad that she was doing well and that he had a positive influence in her life. He should have left it at that, but he went on to say that her comments from three months previously were very hurtful and that he was scared of her. He ended by wishing her well. She responded back and told him that he didn't need to be scared of her, that she was just mouthing off and upset in the past. She also went on to say that she had met some acquaintances of Fred's through a friend of hers and that she had many opportunities to bad-mouth Fred behind his back, and that she chose not to. She told Fred that he did not need to worry about her, but about these people. She said she was simply looking out for him, as a friend, because she cared about him and loved him as a person.

 

Fred did not say anything more. Wilma sent another email a few days later, and in that email she told Fred that she missed talking to him, and that she also missed having sex with him. She made other sexual comments, and basically insinuated that they should have a FWB sort-of relationship. She said that he was the best lover she had ever had, and that they would both always be physically drawn to one another, so sex was inevitable. I advised Fred to stop responding, but he did not listen to my advice. He replied and told Wilma that she was crazy. She hasn't replied back...yet.

 

I am very concerned about Fred. This gal has caused him quite a bit of pain and suffering over the course of almost one year. He obviously is still very drawn to her, or else he would have deleted and blocked her from emailing him, which he still hasn't done. Wilma no longer has his number (she deleted it three months previously), and emailing was her last way of contacting him. He didn't need to reply to her last two emails AT ALL. He should have blocked and deleted her right then and there. However, he went even two steps further by replying to her not once, but TWICE.

 

Wilma is a nice enough gal, but she has had some family issues over the last few years. She lost a sibling and had to deal with illness with another member in her immediate family. Fred understands that some of her "acting out" is due to these unresolved issues. However, one needs to take responsibility for one's actions and make sure that they do not keep happening. Wilma cheated on Fred on two separate occasions, with three of his friends. She lied to him on a number of occasions re: her indiscretions. She humiliated him. She disrespected him. She manipulated him and used her youth/beauty to control him. She toyed with his heart, his emotions, his head. She treated him very badly. Period. I believe that she is a full-blown narcissist, a femme fatale as well. She is only looking out for her own needs.

 

I have a sinking feeling that she is going to respond to his last email, and it is going to lead to them talking over the phone again, and then seeing each other. It's a vicious cycle with these two, and I fear that they will end up together yet again. It's a toxic relationship.

 

Why can't Fred stop replying back to her after everything she has said and done to him? He is an attractive, intelligent, kind, compassionate man, and there are many women out there who would love to be with him, and would treat him right. Wilma is only going to hurt him again, is she not?

 

Can someone please shed some light on this situation? It gives me a headache just thinking about it. No normal man would give a woman that many chances. Yes, she is gorgeous. Yes, she is charming and magnetic. Yes, she has a terrific figure. Yes, she is funny. However, look at all the negative qualities: disrespectful, self-serving, manipulative, calculating, cold, unfaithful, untrustworthy, spoiled, entitled, self-centered, stuck-up, materialistic, shallow, crazy, narcissistic, unbalanced...

 

I understand that Fred obviously has issues as well...but he is a good man who needs to stop this nonsense before he gets hurts again. Like I said, it's a toxic vicious cycle and is no good for either of them.

 

Do you think he could possibly love this girl? Or is it simply infatuation? She obviously lacks empathy and does not even know how to care for someone, given her actions. Maybe they are obsessed with each other? Please can someone help, as he is a good friend of mine and I have run out of things to say to him. I just don't want to see him heartbroken again. He is an older man, and really needs some stability and love in his life - real love, not this immature nonsense. Wilma is simply playing games..right?

[CelticGibson]

A cheating ex who want's to be friends....

 

Hmmm.... NO THANKS....

 

Would YOU want to have a friend that treated you this way? Just because she's hot shouldn't mean that "Fred" should become a doormat for her. Think about how each time "Fred" takes her back and she thinks even less of him as a man. No respect = no relationship.

 

He should man up and walk away. There are plenty of other women who will give him the love and respect he deserves. Although I doubt he's going to listen and will continue the toxic dance until he is either dumped for good or he is so emotionally drained that he has no choice but to give it up...

[blindhope]

She only wants to be friends cause bit will help with her own guilt. Ignore and just walk away. Let her live with who she is

[2sunny]

He never blocked her - since he continued to receive her messages after saying he blocked her.

 

 

She needs help with her active disease (alcoholism).

 

He needs help with his white knight syndrome or poor boundaries - or co dependency - or all of the above.

 

A trashy, broken gal wouldn't be attractive to a healthy minded man.

 

 

She's gonna offer up anything to keep him around - he's stupid enough to fall for it - he knows he's compromising his integrity by being with her.

 

He could benefit from counseling.

[renee123]

He blocked her from sending him any whatsapp messages to his phone, after she made those rude, nasty comments to him.

 

When she contacted him months later, it was via email.

[TaraMaiden]

TL; DR.

 

Your entire post can be summed up in one line:

 

How to handle a cheating ex-gf who "wants to be friends"...? !

 

Kick her to the kerb, delete, block, ignore, deny, cut off, fall off radar and deny existence.

 

Job done.

 

 

her problems are her problems.

If he accepts friendship, he will lower the drawbridge, raise the portcullis and open the doors to a potential Emotional Vampire who will suck him dry.

 

The answer, quite simply is 'no thanks'.

[renee123]

@CelticGibson: I agree with everything that you have said. It's very strange the hold this girl has on him, as he is very dominant in other areas of his life. He is behaving exactly like a doormat, and I have pointed this out to him several times. I think when he kept communicating with her, and taking her back, after all the cheating etc, he just basically showed her that her behavior is okay, and in the process lost respect in her eyes. I fear that he is going to continue replying to her messages until they eventually see each other again and get physical. I believe he is obsessed with this girl, there is no other explanation for how he could let her get away with so much, and still not tell her to beat it. Thank you for your comments.

 

@blindhope: thank you for your advice. I agree with you 100%. However, that is the whole problem. Fred isn't just ignoring her. By responding to her messages, regardless of what he says, he is engaging in conversation and showing her that he is still very well interested. Actions speak louder than words, so he may be telling her that she is crazy etc, but by replying to her, he is basically telling her that he wants her in his life.

 

@2sunny: I think you have touched on a very interesting point, that of co-dependency. I agree with you. They both have issues that they need to sort out, and the two of them only rub off on each other in horrid ways. It's like watching a train wreck. Do you think maybe he isn't healthy minded if he has indeed fallen for her? Keep in mind, she is highly intelligent and very manipulative, so she really has him in a bad position. I have suggested counseling for him, as his ex-wife cheated on him as well. He has the worst luck when it comes to finding faithful women.

Also, he blocked her from sending him any whatsapp messages to his phone, after she made those rude, nasty comments to him. When she contacted him 3 months later, it was via email.

[TaraMaiden]

You do realise that, much as you may care for him - this isn't YOUR problem, either.....?

[renee123]

@TaraMaiden: he is doing none of the things that you mentioned. He blocked her from sending him any whatsapp messages to his phone, yet he still has her phone number in his address book. He responds to her emails, maybe not all of them but the last two. So he isn't ignoring her, as I advised him to do for months now. He isn't blocking her from sending him emails. I think he is heading down the path of becoming "friends" with her again, but it won't just stay at "friendship"..they will be back to that vicious cycle. How can they just be friends when there are still feelings and attraction? It's a toxic situation and he should really know better. Thank you.

[renee123]

Yes, I do realize that. It's just that I am the first person he turns to when he needs to vent, so I feel almost like it has become my problem. I want to be there for him, but at the end of the day, he is going to do what he wants to do.

[TaraMaiden]

You need to detach.

you absolutely do.

 

because she 'bleeds' him dry - and he in turn will dump it onto you.

 

For this toxic environment to be contained, it means you detaching and distancing yourself from him and what he is doing, otherwise you too, are merely playing into - and to a certain extent, enabling - the dysfunction to continue.

 

Let them get on with it.

The next time he so much as begins to mention a contact, connection or reference to her, I would personally strongly advise you to raise both hands and state, quite emphatically -

 

"I'm sorry, I don't care to hear about this situation any more.

you know my opinion on the matter, and you refuse to listen. I've tried countless times to help you deal with this, and you blithely ignore me.

 

So I don't intend to waste my time, or my breath, getting involved in this.

This consumes you too much, and i don't intend to let it do the same to me."

 

And really - point-blank refuse to have it shading your life for a single second longer....

 

Because you know what?

 

He's YOUR emotional vampire.

[renee123]

@TaraMaiden: Thank you kindly for your advice. I think you make an excellent point. This is my last attempt at helping him. I figured if he saw some responses from strangers, it might help open his eyes a bit. Of course he knows what he is doing is wrong. He is letting this girl strip him of his dignity and self-respect.

 

His weak defense is that he replied and told her she is crazy, so he didn't encourage her to contact him further. I think that is a clumsy excuse for their back-and-forth exchange to continue. He clearly enjoys hearing from her, despite everything that has happened. If he was wise he would have said nothing, blocked her, and sincerely moved on.

 

Like I said, this is my LAST attempt at helping him. After this, I am taking your advice and washing my hands of this whole mess. It is beyond screwed up.

[2sunny]

Your other thread you posted portrays you as Wilma.

 

Are you the alcoholic, drama queen, self entitled cheater you're posting about?

 

 

Either way - the woman needs detox and rehab!

[2sunny]

This dude likes sex with a young woman - 1/2 his age you said.

 

Even if he ruins his reputation, puts his health at risk, and forfeits his integrity to get the sex.

 

 

He's not healthy - he lives drama - at all cost.

 

Does that sound like a healthy man to you?

[renee123]

No, I am not. I sincerely am a concerned friend.

 

The previous post was written by Fred himself. He is the one who introduced me to this site, and this is his account. He is reading all of these responses, and hopefully your opinions will open his eyes.

 

I agree - she needs both of those desperately.

 

Thank you.

[2sunny]

Fred - get professional counseling.

 

Your choices indicated (represent) how unhealthy you are.

[renee123]

No, it does not, but we often make excuses for our friends and those we care about. I have encouraged him to talk to a professional, but he doesn't feel that he needs to.

 

Like I said, he has some issues of his own that he needs to sort through. He was cheated on in his marriage to his now ex-wife. I think that may have contributed to his self-esteem issues.

 

He says he does not like drama, yet he continues to associate with someone who continuously brings it into his life. Makes me wonder.

[renee123]

@2sunny: Thank you for reinforcing the notion that Fred needs to seek professional help. He is twice her age almost, and really should know better. I guess some people lose sight of what's important, and choose to let their values/beliefs slip just to look good with a hot, young gal on their arm.

 

He has children that are not much younger than she is. I'm not going to sit here and judge him for dating someone much younger, but if that person isn't treating you right, it's time to re-evaluate.

 

I think he believes that she is a good person deep down inside. I don't know her well enough to comment on that. It still doesn't excuse the things that she did/said to him.

[2sunny]

No, it does not, but we often make excuses for our friends and those we care about. I have encouraged him to talk to a professional, but he doesn't feel that he needs to.

 

Like I said, he has some issues of his own that he needs to sort through. He was cheated on in his marriage to his now ex-wife. I think that may have contributed to his self-esteem issues.

 

He says he does not like drama, yet he continues to associate with someone who continuously brings it into his life. Makes me wonder.

 

Fred's actions don't match his words. That makes him a liar.

 

Since he won't seek help and change - it is likely to remain the same.

 

Best to step away and allow Fred to continue making a fool of himself.

 

When he gets miserable enough - he might consider making different choices that bring new results.

 

For now, he likes a beautiful gal, sex, drama and the fiery outcome of the chaos she brings to his life.

 

It most likely the same as what he grew up with as a child - his "sense of normal".

 

I've stepped away from many friend with chaos that looks like this - that's MY healthy boundary - you should too.

[2sunny]

@2sunny: Thank you for reinforcing the notion that Fred needs to seek professional help. He is twice her age almost, and really should know better. I guess some people lose sight of what's important, and choose to let their values/beliefs slip just to look good with a hot, young gal on their arm.

 

He has children that are not much younger than she is. I'm not going to sit here and judge him for dating someone much younger, but if that person isn't treating you right, it's time to re-evaluate.

 

I think he believes that she is a good person deep down inside. I don't know her well enough to comment on that. It still doesn't excuse the things that she did/said to him.

 

There's a lot of power in the pussy! He's handing ALL HIS power to HER pussy!

[renee123]

Yes, you are right and I am definitely going to do just that.

 

His words/actions don't match up.

 

Like I said previously, this is my last attempt to help him. I am washing my hands of this drama after this. If he doesn't take my advice, or the advice of several unbiased strangers, then there is nothing more that I can do on my end.

 

I think you may be right - he obviously is putting beauty/sex/chaos/excitement above other, far more important things like trust/happiness/health etc etc.

 

Thank you kindly. You have been most helpful.

[renee123]

@2Sunny: Yes, he has mentioned his love for her pussy. However, with his wealth and power, he could easily get many other younger women. I don't understand why he continues to communicate with this particular girl who has wreaked so much havoc in his life already? That is why I asked earlier if it's possible that he loves her? Or is it just infatuation?

[CelticGibson]

It's more likely infatuation. She probably makes him feel good when things are good and when they are not, there is a desperation to get back to the good. It's an unhealthy push/pull co-dependent thing they have going on. This begs the question: does he have his own dependency issues? If he does then he is unwilling to walk away from this. Unfortunately he is the only one that can wake up and realise just how unhealthy this is. No one, including you, can convince him otherwise while he wears the rose coloured glasses. This is something he has to go through all by himself. You should cease to help him because all it will do is drag you into a lover's triangle that will most surely emotionally drain you too.

[renee123]

@CelticGibson: you make some very valid points. There is definitely some push/pull exchange going on. His infatuation is going to be his downfall.

 

He should have given her the boot when she first started "acting out" and leaving the dinner table...well before the cheating even came into the picture. He lets this girl get away with everything. It boggles the mind.

 

After this last effort to help him, I am done. He is on his own then.

 

Do you think there is any chance that she may have learned her lesson and really does just want to be FWB with him? He probably thinks so, but I think he wants more from her. It's absolute madness.

[renee123]

He has told her numerous times that it's not healthy and that he can't be in a relationship with her again. Yet, he continues letting her back into his life. Makes me wonder...actions speak louder than words...and his words mean nothing if he is going against them.