He wants a second chance 6 months after the break up

[TZ]

He broke up with me in April, and I had no contact with him for 6 months. Now, we had a chance encounter that was very eerie: I hadn't gone to our favorite nightclub since the last time I was with him. Then I see him there on Saturday night. He approaches me and we dance (nothing sensual or too close). He wants to get back and wants to know if I'm dating anyone. He is asking for a second chance. I play it very casual and cool. He said that that Saturday was also the first time that he had gone to that same nightclub, after our last time together. He said that he "felt" that I would be there. I take it as a sign, but not necessarily that some greater force is trying to reunite us, but perhaps that we both should think about second chances very carefully. It's my time to really think it through whether I want him back in my life. I was getting used to being single again and trying to erase him from my life. Every day I thought less and less of him, although I don't think I could actually "forget" about him.

 

He basically broke up with me to supposedly return to his separated wife. We haven't had a chance to talk about all the details, but now I'm not shutting up and will be asking him many, many questions. I have gained a lot of wisdom from this forum. I definitely don't feel compelled to go to him right away, because the pain that I felt after his breakup and the way he treated me the weeks prior to that breakup day, are still fresh in my mind. I have the capacity to forgive, but it will take time.

 

Any tips on how I should approach our next encounter? I know he will want us to get together and talk more about him wanting to get back with me.

[angelkiss2403]

TZ...

 

Ya know...I can relate to everything you are talking about. There are a few things I'm curious about: first, is he still with his wife? second, do u really want to go through all that pain again? I say pain, because I am attempting to completely cut all ties with my MM and I know it is painful. Also, i know that you can sit there and justify getting back together with him b/c of all the ties and feelings you have for him. Also, I'm sure he is feeding you a variety of songs and dance. The thing is, YOU CAN DO BETTER!!!!! That is all i keep telling myself, ya know? I mean, come on, didn't u grow up thinking, I'm gonna find the best man ever and he will be perfect... I'm sure you did. Now think of the guy you are talking about. He is with another woman and he will most likely never leave her, he just wants someone else to take care of the feelings that she lacks whether it be humor, love, appearence, etc. Anyways, please don't do it b/c I know that I wish with all my heart I didn't get into the spot I'm in now.

[TZ]

I don't know whether he's with his wife or not. I haven't gotten around to asking him. That will be in my first real talking session with him next time we meet.

 

He has fed me the song and dance, as you say. "I still love you", "give me a second chance", "do you still have a little spot in your heart for me?", "baby, I love you", "sweetie, I missed you", "I never stopped loving you"...

 

I asked him why he wants to get back together with me. He said because he needs me, and he loves me. I said, "oh, so you are lonely now, and therefore are coming back to me, right?". He doesn't reply. He kisses me and touches me. I don't kiss back and don't let him touch my lips. He hugs me. I'm, like, "get away from me", that is, brushing him aside so that he doesn't get too close. He offers for me to stay at his place (we sleep on separate beds). I said no, I'd rather go home.

 

Between all that I tell him that I don't think it's a good idea to get back together again because I'm afraid. Really, I'm afraid that he hasn't changed in 6 months. He said that it took less than that for him to change. Part of me wants to give him a second chance, just to see if he's really changed. But I want to tread carefully, and treat the relationship as a friendly one.

 

He goes on to say that he will wait a week, a month, 2 months....I say "you're very optimistic".

 

He wants to know why I hate him. (I never initiated contact with him after he broke up with me). Everytime he sent an email, I never replied. He said he doesn't expect a song and dance, but why do I hate him. I said I don't hate him, I just have mixed feelings and am really feeling awkward about having seen him when I was trying to forget about him. I ask him what does he expect, after the way he broke with me? (Over the phone, with a lame excuse.)

 

I don't want to give him any hopes and, at the same time, I don't want to initiate a relationship with him if I know I don't want to be with him anyway...

 

However, I still wonder about my feelings towards him. I'm a big chicken sometimes, and yes, I melt like putty. But oddly enough, I didn't when he started dancing with me, or touching me, or trying to get close. I just didn't feel turned on. I wanted to believe him, but something in me kept hesitating. I find his behavior rather odd, and that's what I want to question him about. I want to look at him again very objectively, very logically, very rationally. Forget about feelings and really interrogate him.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by TZ

Any tips on how I should approach our next encounter? I know he will want us to get together and talk more about him wanting to get back with me.

 

Casually & nonchalantly, but friendly & polite, I would say.

 

Like you're enjoying life either way, & that you would be perfectly happy if you never saw or heard from him again.

[iceprincess]

Originally posted by TZ

I was getting used to being single again and trying to erase him from my life. Every day I thought less and less of him, although I don't think I could actually "forget" about him.

 

I definitely don't feel compelled to go to him right away, because the pain that I felt after his breakup and the way he treated me the weeks prior to that breakup day, are still fresh in my mind. I have the capacity to forgive, but it will take time.

 

Honey, it seems to me like he used you and then left you to go back to his first wife. I know it's a harsh way of putting it but that's how I see it. Regardless of all good things that happened while you two were together, if he really loved you, he wouldn't have done that to you. It's obvious that when he returned to his wife, he wanted to work things out with her.

 

I think that you should move on because he showed you that he doesn't need you. He can still go back to his wife or find another girl to date. My advice is that you should treat him as another friend; it'll make him realize that he let something good go. His wife gave him a second chance when he went back to her and that didn't work out, so now he wants to try his "2nd chance" with you.

[2ndConfusedfemale]

I think that what you do next depends on two things whether or not he's still "separated" from the wife or has he filed for divorce?

 

If he has filed for divorce then you can then comtemplate taking him serious., but if he is still with her or "separated" from her, tell him to take his b/s back home to his wife. And ask him is he really silly enough to think that you would go back down that road with him again knowing full well that he's "with her" but not really "with her" although he is still "with her enough" to not be "with you" completely.

[kellydontwanttasleep]

something about his whole thing still sounds a little fishy

[crowdreamer]

I say let him do the talking and see where he's at. You don't want to put words in his mouth because then he might just say what he wants you to hear, not what he really means. If he is sincere about getting back together with you, he will 1) tell you he has left his wife for good, for some time now, 2) he is sorry for the way he treated you and sees the error of his ways, and 3) he is willing to work on the behaviors that led him to betray you.

 

If he shows no insight into his own behavior, i.e. "let's get back together, ignore all the problems we had before" or even worse, "Problems? What problems?", run like hell.

 

I am saying this from personal experience--after I broke up with my last serious boyfriend (not even a MM), we stayed in contact and I thought we were going to get back together until he broke my heart by ditching me after showing no insight into his own behavior. It was like going through a painful break-up all over again. No need to be hurt twice.

 

It sounds like from what he's said so far that he has no idea what he's done that could be interpreted as hurtful. Bad bad sign.

[TZ]

I think that you should move on because he showed you that he doesn't need you. He can still go back to his wife or find another girl to date. My advice is that you should treat him as another friend; it'll make him realize that he let something good go. His wife gave him a second chance when he went back to her and that didn't work out, so now he wants to try his "2nd chance" with you.

 

This is exactly what I asked him in other words by saying "oh, so you are lonely now and are coming back to me". You know, when he left me I started writing about my feelings and the whole situation. I typed about 15 pages of text. I re-read it the other day and wrote somewhere that the devil in me secretly wished that his wife would ditch him and then he would come back to me and then I wouldn't want him. Hmmm...it seems that that secret wish is more or less playing out now.

 

He said he wants to try again and get to know me again, slowly. We probably rushed into things before (as much my fault as it was his) and I didn't ask enough questions when he told me he was separated, such as "when are you getting a divorce?". I totally fell in love with him and forgot to ask the crucial questions, because I didn't want to seem nosy. (I'm naturally a very shy person.)

 

I really find it bold of him to want to come back to me. However, he does realize the pain that he put me through. I let him know that. Next time, I will let him do the talking. I still want to know what happened with his wife, since his last words were that they were getting back together (she knew before that he had a girlfriend, i.e., me). I guess she is no fool and ditched him, because how can she trust him again? This is just mere speculation on my part, as I don't know the whole story, but then again, I will be hearing it from him, and not from her. So it will be naturally biased to favor him and make her look bad. Because nobody is all that perfect to not even want to accept part of the blame.

[TZ]

If he is sincere about getting back together with you, he will 1) tell you he has left his wife for good, for some time now, 2) he is sorry for the way he treated you and sees the error of his ways, and 3) he is willing to work on the behaviors that led him to betray you.

 

Excellent advice all of you! Thanks a million. The one above makes total logical sense. And, yes, this time I want to be more logical/rational than emotional. Because by being emotional, I feel that I will forget the pain very easily, actually losing respect for myself, and letting him control me again.

 

He did mention that he realized how bad he treated me, and how he made up things about me that weren't true (like feeling jealous). He was in a difficult situation too (and I don't say this to condone his behavior, just to make it clearer): he was raising a 1-year old kid from his last wife, had to support 3 others from a previous one, and was struggling to find/keep a full-time job. Jobs in his actual profession were very hard to get. He was living with his sister and her husband, her sons, and their mother. I knew he was unhappy with his living arrangements. He has since found a regular job (still not in his profession) and has moved out on his own, so I think the stress levels have subsided. However, I still think that his insecurity that drove him to feel jealousy might still be there. Stress might have exacerbated it, and not having a job or regular income might have made him "imagine" things about that simply were not true. I was getting weary of explaining myself to him every time he had doubts. This was the most stressful part of our relationship. The fact that he didn't trust me and didn't believe my words. It drove me NUTS!!! It was like trying to beat the sense into him, and he would refuse to accept a sensible answer. He wanted me to acknowledge guilt for something I wasn't guilty of, simply because it would have validated the "imaginary situation" that he conjured about me. Arrrggghhh!!!!

 

Yes, it still does sound a bit fishy, and that's why my next session with him will be mostly him doing the talking and me asking questions. Last time I saw him (which was the first time in 6 months), I ended up reliving the pain that I felt from his behavior and his break up, and I broke down and cried. He said he was sorry, but it was a kind of subtle sorry, not a "pain in my heart sorry".

 

And ask him is he really silly enough to think that you would go back down that road with him again knowing full well that he's "with her" but not really "with her" although he is still "with her enough" to not be "with you" completely.

 

Yes, I will DEFINITELY ask him this. She lives in another country. The sad part is that they have a 2-year old child now. I don't know where the child is right now. I haven't asked yet, but I will.

 

I was so totally sure that he would go back to her. I guess it didn't work out and now he wants me back. When he broke up with me, I secretly wished that she would leave him (she knew about his relationship with another woman, although she didn't know me) and then he would come back to me and I would say no, then he would be left stranded....Funny, no?

[Scott S]

Originally posted by TZ

I guess she is no fool and ditched him, because how can she trust him again?

 

A better question - How can YOU trust him? If he is unfaithful in a marriage, what makes you think he wouldn't be unfaithful to you or anyone else?

 

You've witnessed not one but TWO instances of this.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by TZ

[sNIP]However, he does realize the pain that he put me through. I let him know that.

 

Not intending to lecture, but this is one of the risks inherent to becoming romantically involved with a married person. Someone who breaks his/her marital vows & is unfaithful has managed to overcome his/her concience & scruples. Having done that once, they can do it again. And again.

 

I was a cuckholded spouse once myself, so personally I have little empathy for the OM/OW. I will simply say to learn from this experience, & not repeat it.

[Cis]

CAREFUL!

 

The way you describe how he gets jealous for no reasons reminds me of my friend. I've come to the conclusion that he was in fact delusional....but because I was so in love I didn't allow it to bother me. In retrospect he exhibited a lot of odd behavior that I didn't question. Love is blind!! A good friend of mine gave me some advice one: don't get involved with anyone who has more problems than you!

Cis

[SoleMate]

BTW - when he is truly divorced, he should be able to show you a FINAL DECREE. It is a legal document. If he won't/can't show you one of those, he isn't divorced.

[TZ]

A better question - How can YOU trust him? If he is unfaithful in a marriage, what makes you think he wouldn't be unfaithful to you or anyone else?

 

You've witnessed not one but TWO instances of this.

 

Yes, and this is exactly what keeps playing around in my mind. I don't want to blatantly dismiss him, I want to hear his side of the story, analyze it myself, and see what I think and how I feel after he says it. Until then, I won't know what to think or believe. But I will surely analyze it within the context of him probably cheating again.

 

Who do men cheat? What drove him to me while separated from his wife (she lives in another country)? Did he really not care for her anyway? Was she the one who didn't care for him?

[TZ]

So do you think it's OK to say to him "I will not go out with a married/separated/recently divorced man again"? And "since you fit that description, then I won't go out with you, until say 6 months after the separation" Or should I just let my actions speak for themselves?

 

Or can I just date him (no lovey-dovey, no sex) in the meantime if he's going through divorce procedures? Can I just be friendly with him until he's completely and legally divorced, but in no way state that "he's my boyfriend" and therefore, I should be free to date anyone else (again, no lovey-dovey, no sex) until he has a clean bill of health?

 

Should I unblock him from my messenger?

 

I actually do like the guy, and we are compatible in so many ways. There are behaviors that he has to work on that will definitely take time.

 

It's the classical <<My head is saying 'oooh, forget him'. My heart is saying 'don't let go'>>...

[CurlyIam]

Hello, TZ

 

I think you should have a bit more pride. I mean he had a wife - meaning you were second best since he didn't give her up, he left you for her - remember the circumstances? - and now you think he wants you back?

 

What for? What else worse could he do to you?

 

Have NC with him untill he knocks on your door withe the final decree. And remember: "if he cheated with you, he will cheat you".

 

You are young, you can meet a guy who's free and who can make you happy. Why throw that away? For whom? What did he do for you? I mean FACTS. Does he appreciate you? Do his actions speak for him?

 

 

 

If it were after me, I'd let him have his divorce and then tell him to shove his divorce papers you know where!

[Cis]

Diagnostic criteria for 297.1 Delusional Disorder

 

A. Nonbizarre delusions (i.e., involving situations that occur in real life, such as being followed, poisoned, infected, loved at a distance, or deceived by spouse or lover, or having a disease) of at least 1 month's duration.

 

B. Criterion A for Schizophrenia has never been met. Note: Tactile and olfactory hallucinations may be present in Delusional Disorder if they are related to the delusional theme.

 

C. Apart from the impact of the delusion(s) or its ramifications, functioning is not markedly impaired and behavior is not obviously odd or bizarre.

 

D. If mood episodes have occurred concurrently with delusions, their total duration has been brief relative to the duration of the delusional periods.

 

E. The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition.

Specify type (the following types are assigned based on the predominant

delusional theme):

 

Erotomanic Type: delusions that another person, usually of higher status, is in love with the individual

 

Grandiose Type: delusions of inflated worth, power, knowledge, identity, or special relationship to a deity or famous person

 

Jealous Type: delusions that the individual's sexual partner is unfaithful

 

Persecutory Type: delusions that the person (or someone to whom the person is close) is being malevolently treated in some way

 

Somatic Type: delusions that the person has some physical defect or general medical condition

 

Mixed Type: delusions characteristic of more than one of the above types but no one theme predominates

[TZ]

Thanks all. I am digesting every bit of advice given here. He hasn't called since Monday, and I'm gradually starting to forget about him again...which is not so painful or difficult this second time around (to forget). It's now become a lot easier to not wait for the phone to ring. What can I say? Writing about it and having all of you provide advice is golden. Thanks, loveshackers!

 

I am more mature now (can't say the same for him) and I've gone back to reread the journal that I started 6 months ago. Wow! it's amazing what I wrote while I was in pain. I'm sure glad I kept that document and didn't delete it. It sure helps to bring things into perspective this time around. There were just too many bad things, which I obviously chose to ignore at the time.

 

He seems to think that my 'no contact' approach actually means that I hate him. That I don't reply to his emails means that I hate him. That I look straight ahead (when he sees me on the road and drives up beside me) means that I hate him. He wonders why I hate him. I don't even think he should be asking this. It's like wanting me to feel sorry for him...

[SoleMate]

If you can manage dating him platonically, then my hat is off to you. I don't see how you two would avoid putting your hands and lips all over each other.

 

Your pride should be saying, "I'm done eating leftovers from another woman's plate." Until he is divorced, that is what he is, sorry to say.

 

It's fine to tell him that if he shows up with a final decree in hand (and not one he ran off on the copier), you will entertain his calls and messages. Until then, NO. Perhaps that will motivate him, if he will does have feelings for you other than the occasional surge of lust.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by TZ

Who do men cheat? What drove him to me while separated from his wife (she lives in another country)? Did he really not care for her anyway? Was she the one who didn't care for him?

 

A host of reasons.

 

A mid-life crisis. A need to prove his virility. A dissatisfaction with his current relationship. Curiousity about "what else is out there." In the case of a separation, whether it is "cheating" per se depends on the particular circumstances.

 

In a legal separation, the couple is in a legal formality preceding a divorce. The marriage is only nominal. They don't live as spouses, you can be certain they have ceased thinking and acting as spouses.

 

On the other hand, with a trial separation, the intent is to determine whether the couple should divorce. To give each the time & emotional space to work through their personal issues that have become so entangled that they can't make sense of them, much less resolve them while together. Ostensibly, the objective is to prevent a divorce. During a trial separation, the couple needs to remain emotionally & sexually monogamous to each other. An outside relationship seriously complicates the situation.

 

As far as who doesn't care for whom, you didn't say, & it would depend on which one you ask. You said you didn't know why he separated from his wife & was considering divorce, & I don't know if you know now.

 

Whether you wish to resume your relationship is your decision, of course, but you would probably want to see some evidence of closure on his part, that is, a copy of the divorce decree, before you do.

 

You may be better advised to seek a relationship with someone unattached & available.

[iceprincess]

Originally posted by TZ

So it will be naturally biased to favor him and make her look bad.

 

Have you heard her side of the story? I'm sure if you knew her first and heard what she had to say about him, then you'd be pretty biased against him.

[TZ]

I don't know her, never met her. I will probably never hear her side of the story. However, he has told me while we were dating that sometimes he does things out of "pressure" (either from parents, siblings, etc.). That sometimes he doesn't do the things that he genuinely wants to do in his heart, he just does so out of pleasing someone else and not necessarily himself.

 

Maybe he himself is fighting a battle within. Maybe he's just as confused and made the wrong decisions along the way (e.g., breaking up with me, reuniting with her--if that's entirely true--since I haven't yet heard what happened between them after he broke up with me; that is, whether they really got back together for a while). Of course, I don't know if him wanting to come back to me is a bad decision or a good one or one that comes genuinely from his heart. I'm still skeptical, of course. But I am willing to listen.

[TZ]

Yeah, I'm wondering whether all that begging and smothering was really an expression of 'false love', love, or lust. It totally turned me off, anyway. However, I had never seen him in that state. Down to his knees, begging and pleading and asking the same question ("do you want me back?") over and over. All I kept saying was "I don't know because I'm afraid you haven't changed". He was like this for about 2 hours. Then I left him to come home.