Fiance is still in love with his ex?

[tkcobalt]

Hey everyone.. I registered here last month as newly engaged woman, just to read some threads about getting married and what to expect. Never thought I would need to post this.

 

I had a life changing experience last weekend and I'm coming here in hopes someone might be able to shed some light on what is happening, and what I should do next. I'm torn.. and after a week of serious thought and "soul searching", I've ended up even more confused than I was after this first happened.

 

I'll try and keep this short. My fiance and I have been together for a year and half, and engaged for a short while (the ring is still being made at the jewelers.. completely custom). I'm in my late 20's and he's in his early 30's. Best relationship I've ever been in.. it has been a very stable, loving, and amazing experience. We've also always been brutally honest with each other.. to the point where we can tell each other things we may not want to hear, but things we need to hear. We've grown a lot as individuals by being with each other. Basically a very fulfilling relationship.

 

Last weekend we went on a little trip. Just for a nice 4 day get-away. Everything went great until we went out on the town Friday night and had a few drinks. My fiance became really intoxicated. I should say extremely intoxicated. I'm not sure how this happened, as he didn't drink a whole lot (I drank the same amount and was barely feeling the effects), but I have never seen him as drunk as he was. I had to help him out of the cab and he barely made it up to our hotel room (he fell over twice).

 

I was helping him get undressed and into bed when his cell phone fell out of his sweater pocket. He immediately panicked as I picked up his phone to set it on the night stand.. which I thought was very strange. He grabbed it from me with this look of "oh no!" on his face. I couldn't help but wonder what he was so upset about. I have never, ever gone through his phone or had any reason to.. I've always trusted him. But because of his reaction to my touching his phone, I knew something was very wrong. I caved and looked through it once he fell asleep. Sure enough, what I found wrecked my world.

 

While we were at the restaurant/bar that evening, his ex girlfriend texted him. He proceeded to tell her that he had been thinking about her the whole time we were on our vacation, and that no matter how hard he has tried, he hasn't been able to stop loving her. They texted back and forth for an hour, while at the same time he was telling me how much fun he was having, how much he loved me, etc.

 

I took photos of the texts with my phone and sent them to him. When he saw these the next morning, he couldn't believe it (or so he says). According to him, he blacked out the night before and doesn't remember much of anything past a certain point. He claimed that he didn't mean a word he said to her and has not spoken to her since before he and I even got together. We drove home that next day and the ride was extremely uncomfortable. I would yell, cry.. go through periods of silence.. you name it. He just kept trying to reassure me that nothing he had said to her had any truth or meaning, that he loved me, and that he couldn't believe what he had done. He says he made the biggest mistake of his life, and he doesn't even remember doing it.

 

This past week has been hard. He has cried, begged, blocked her number.. blocked her on facebook (they weren't friends on facebook, but he wants to block her from reaching out to him in any way possible), etc. He has held me, reassured me, given me space when I've needed it. His apologizes are sincere. I know he's sorry that he has hurt me. That's not the issue here. The issue is.. I can't help but think he may still love this girl.

 

"The truth comes out when you're intoxicated." <--- That very sentence keeps running through my thoughts. Yes, he was "blackout drunk". Yes, he never gets that drunk on the rare occasions we do drink. Is it possible what he said really had no meaning at all? He never talks about this ex. But I have no way of knowing if he's been in contact with her this whole time or if he's said these things to her before. Like I said, I've never looked through his phone or his emails or anything like that. So there's no way for me to know.

 

This hurts more than anything. Up until a week ago, I was happier than I have ever been. I thought this man wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me more than anything else in the world. He still claims this is what he wants. But I just don't know how I can ever believe that he doesn't still love this ex of his.

 

What do you think? Even if I do give him a second chance, I refuse to marry him until I know this is real and right. And I refuse to be the woman who looks through her fiance's phone, emails, etc.. so how will I know if this continues? How will I ever know anything for sure??

[CarrieT]

Postpone the wedding.

 

Go into counseling and have a VERY long engagement. Reach out to the Ex and find out the truth.

 

You need to be 100% before moving forward.

[salparadise]

I'm guessing that this wasn't the first time he's exchanged texts with her. Saying that he hadn't been able to stop thinking about her during the vacation sounds like a continuation of an earlier conversation. Wouldn't that be an amazing coincidence if she texted him for the first time in eons on the same night he got plastered... and other events that led to the discovery.

 

I wouldn't give a lot of consideration one way or the other to him being drunk, as it could be argued either way and without conclusion. The fact is that he told her what he told her and did it while with you. Not good.

 

I'd back off a bit and just see how things go for a few months. Maybe even tell him that you need some time––give him the opportunity to either run back to her or prove that he won't. Then there needs to be some real discussion, maybe pre-marital counseling.

[tkcobalt]

Thank you for the replies.

 

I'm guessing that this wasn't the first time he's exchanged texts with her. Saying that he hadn't been able to stop thinking about her during the vacation sounds like a continuation of an earlier conversation. Wouldn't that be an amazing coincidence if she texted him for the first time in eons on the same night he got plastered... and other events that led to the discovery.

 

This is what I'm wondering. I've considered emailing her through facebook (the only way I could contact her) and asking her if anything has been going on. I'm not so sure she'd give me the truth, but I can always ask for proof I guess. Screen shots of any texts, etc. This just seems crazy to me though.. as much as I want to go "digging", I feel very odd and even embarrassed doing so.

 

Her initial message to him did make it seem like they haven't talked in a while at least.. "Hey stranger, how are you? How have you been?". But I've texted similar things to friends I haven't talked to for a couple of months. So I don't know.

 

She does live two states away. From what I understand, their relationship was a long distance one and she was never that serious about it. Maybe he has regrets. Wants what he can't have. Etc. ??

 

I'd back off a bit and just see how things go for a few months. Maybe even tell him that you need some time––give him the opportunity to either run back to her or prove that he won't. Then there needs to be some real discussion, maybe pre-marital counseling.

 

We live together, so this is difficult.. but I definitely need time, that is for sure.

 

Thank you again. Very helpful.

Edited June 1, 2013 by tkcobalt

[applej4]

“Drunks and little children tell the truth”. So do cell phones and text messages

 

His horrified look when you touched his phone says it all.

 

He’s a liar, a cheat, and he got caught. His excuse about black out is pathetic. Who are you going to believe - him or your lying eyes?

 

If you continue to be with him, he will just be more careful. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

There is no point contacting the other woman.

 

Cut him loose, give back his ring (if you have one), move out, and move on.

 

Sorry. Be glad you found out before marrying him.

Edited June 1, 2013 by applej4

[BeholdtheMan]

His horrified look when you touched his phone says it all.

 

He’s a liar, a cheat, and he got caught. His excuse about black out is pathetic. Who are you going to believe - him or your lying eyes?

 

If you continue to be with him, he will just be more careful. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

There is no point contacting the other woman.

 

Cut him loose, give back his ring (if you have one), move out, and move on.

 

Sorry. Be glad you found out before marrying him.

Dear TS, please listen to this advice. It's very sensible.

 

If you're fiance is in love with his ex, that means he's not ready for marriage to you. RUN! Why would you want to walk into a disaster waiting to happen?

[ChessPieceFace]

Up until a week ago, I was happier than I have ever been. I thought this man wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me more than anything else in the world.

 

Now you know better. Fate/serendipity showed you what this guy really is about. Now you'll only have yourself to blame if you marry someone who has already proven to be unfaithful.

[Joaquin]

He is still in love with his ex.

 

He is lying about the contact with his ex.

 

He is going behind yr back with another woman.

 

Marriage material???? I wouldnt think so.

[Darren Steez]

“Drunks and little children tell the truth”. So do cell phones and text messages

 

His horrified look when you touched his phone says it all.

 

He’s a liar, a cheat, and he got caught. His excuse about black out is pathetic. Who are you going to believe - him or your lying eyes?

 

If you continue to be with him, he will just be more careful. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

There is no point contacting the other woman.

 

Cut him loose, give back his ring (if you have one), move out, and move on.

 

Sorry. Be glad you found out before marrying him.

 

This, so while "blind" drunk he was lucid enough to text her all the while maintaining deception with you..for anyone who's been "blind" drunk you certainly have quite a task on your hand to simply coordinate motor skills such as coherent speech and movement etc let alone texting your feelings to another woman whilst not giving the game away to your girlfriend just a few inches from you..

 

He wasn't drunk enough when his blood ran cold when you grabbed that phone..no excuses or crying should expunge him from this terrific opportunity that he revealed his true self.

 

The disrespect he showed you whilst being there with you and basically saying no matter what you do, you'll never mean as much as her whilst smiling and BS'ing you

 

Get out while you can.

[tkcobalt]

Thank you all. Harsh words that I need to hear. I keep telling myself the same things: He knew what he was doing!

 

My friends keep giving me different advice. Some have said "I've said and done things I didn't mean to say or do while really drunk. Give him another chance." A male friend of mine even told me a story about he professed his love to a woman he had no interest in whatsoever while he was drinking. They had been out on a couple dates, had nothing in common.. and he wasn't planning on calling her again. Instead he called her up and told her she was amazing and his "soul mate" and everything. But he meant none of it, and was beyond embarrassed the next day when he had to call her back and set the record straight.

 

I've just had a hard time understanding this point of view. I've always been able to keep myself composed while drinking.. at least enough to avoid saying or doing things I would severely regret the next day. And when I do drink, I tend to spill more of the truth than anything.

 

Even my own mother says I should give him another chance. She seems to think he loves me more than anything and that the alcohol is to blame. All of these people make it sound like I'm overreacting. Um.. hello? The man I was going to marry told his ex he still loves her!! And drunk or not.. I'll never know if he meant it.

 

Thanks again.

[JBlackstone]

Bottomline: Do you think you will ever be able to trust him again? Like others have said, his reaction to you grabbing his phone says a lot. Actions speak louder than words. IF she had texted him coincidentally that night, I think the proper thing to do would have been for him to ignore her text. You were on vacation together! It's always a lot easier for us to tell others to leave their relationships... You could give him another chance but will you be in constant agony always wondering if you know the truth?

[tkcobalt]

Go into his online cell phone billing profile and pull up the last year's worth of detailed cell phone bills.

 

Funny you mention this. I had thought about it too. As of last night he said he has actually requested this from his cell phone company on his own. He's getting me his call / text message history for the past year if possible. He's adamant that he has nothing to hide.

 

Guess we'll see what the phone statements say.

[tkcobalt]

Bottomline: Do you think you will ever be able to trust him again? Like others have said, his reaction to you grabbing his phone says a lot. Actions speak louder than words. IF she had texted him coincidentally that night, I think the proper thing to do would have been for him to ignore her text. You were on vacation together! It's always a lot easier for us to tell others to leave their relationships... You could give him another chance but will you be in constant agony always wondering if you know the truth?

 

That's the hard part. I doubt there will be any trust there.. at least not for a very long time. He's offered to let me "track" him by enabling GPS on his phone and giving me detailed phone bills each month. He's also given me facebook and email passwords. I caved in and went through everything with him and of course found nothing.. but he could've deleted things. He seems desperate to gain back my trust.. but even if he leaves everything out in the open, I don't know if I can ever get it back.

[applej4]

That's the hard part. I doubt there will be any trust there.. at least not for a very long time. He's offered to let me "track" him by enabling GPS on his phone and giving me detailed phone bills each month. He's also given me facebook and email passwords. I caved in and went through everything with him and of course found nothing.. but he could've deleted things. He seems desperate to gain back my trust.. but even if he leaves everything out in the open, I don't know if I can ever get it back.

 

Huh?? Why should you spend your time “tracking” him with GPS or anything else? You want to marry someone you need to “track”? Do you really think he is going to do anything that you can track? Come ON. What’s next – hiring a private investigator? Frankly, I would not even bother looking up the online phone bills. You’ve seen plenty of evidence. You seem to be trying to talk yourself into giving him another chance, and if that's what you feel you have to do, well.....good luck with that.

Edited June 3, 2013 by applej4

[ascendotum]

Finding out what you did with your fiance would be devastating. People have different interpretations on cheating and I don't consider what he did as cheating, but just reading how your fiance was confessing his love for his ex gf while on a romantic weekend away with you, would be not far off in terms of the heartache.

I reckon there are a lot of people who wish they had married an ex. Unfortunately we all don't end up marrying our ideal gf/bf, but that doesn't mean you can't have a great marriage or love your partner by any means. You just don't want to know it though or know they still burn a candle for their ex. Txting an ex I don't think it would mean he would be unfaithful necessarily. Lots of people still keep in touch, but confessing your feelings for them when engaged to someone else is not good.

Yep the truth comes out when you are drunk, but at the same time you do stupid shyte to. How many people regret who they slept with when drunk or who they drunk dialed.

I agree with what CT wrote. You need to be 100% sure. Postpone the wedding.