MM's happiness vs. your own

[MissBee]

Recently I’ve seen posts fromOW stating that they want MM to be happy, so if it means having them and their family, then that’s fine with them because they love him and desire his happiness. I found this to be a really interesting thing to discuss re: affairs, as well as other relationships, i.e the balance of making two people in a relationship happy and the cost of happiness and at whose expense.

 

My immediate response upon reading that if MM wants a wife and family and OW in order to be happy, to be honest, was: Wow. These guys have it made! Some people truly get to have it ALL don’t they! I was thinking: how can anyone think this??? Don’t you see how problematic it is? MM can have all he wants and his “happiness”, but what about yours??? Do you really think MM values your happiness as much as you value his? If happiness for you is him being exclusively yours, how come most MM don’t seem to be willing to do that to make OW happy, yet OW are the ones who have to compromise and care about MM’s happiness, even when it doesn’t seem to work the other way??? MM is of course happy to have family and OW and OW has to just be happy he’s happy and find happiness therein .

 

After that initial reaction, I do realize happiness isn’t the same for everyone and maybe some genuinely are wholly satisfied with this, while I am certain others convince themselves into it or aren’t happy about it. I suppose the question is mainly for OW who would rather not be in an A setup but tolerate it. I want to discuss MM’s happiness vs. OW’s and how many current and former OW felt that what they were willing to accept for MM to be happy was reciprocated? In other words, did you/do you feel as though how your relationship plays/played out, your happiness is/was tended to/compromised for as much as MM’s? At what expense to you did MM's happiness come? At what expense to MM did your happiness come?

[thefooloftheyear]

Recently I’ve seen posts fromOW stating that they want MM to be happy, so if it means having them and their family, then that’s fine with them because they love him and desire his happiness. I found this to be a really interesting thing to discuss re: affairs, as well as other relationships, i.e the balance of making two people in a relationship happy and the cost of happiness and at whose expense.

 

My immediate response upon reading that if MM wants a wife and family and OW in order to be happy, to be honest, was: Wow. These guys have it made! Some people truly get to have it ALL don’t they! I was thinking: how can anyone think this??? Don’t you see how problematic it is? MM can have all he wants and his “happiness”, but what about yours??? Do you really think MM values your happiness as much as you value his? If happiness for you is him being exclusively yours, how come most MM don’t seem to be willing to do that to make OW happy, yet OW are the ones who have to compromise and care about MM’s happiness, even when it doesn’t seem to work the other way??? MM is of course happy to have family and OW and OW has to just be happy he’s happy and find happiness therein .

 

After that initial reaction, I do realize happiness isn’t the same for everyone and maybe some genuinely are wholly satisfied with this, while I am certain others convince themselves into it or aren’t happy about it. I suppose the question is mainly for OW who would rather not be in an A setup but tolerate it. I want to discuss MM’s happiness vs. OW’s and how many current and former OW felt that what they were willing to accept for MM to be happy was reciprocated? In other words, did you/do you feel as though how your relationship plays/played out, your happiness is/was tended to/compromised for as much as MM’s? At what expense to you did MM's happiness come? At what expense to MM did your happiness come?

 

 

I share your sentiments exactly and made a post to reflect that thought...

 

Bottom line?

 

Some people are just completely happy with a "half of a loaf" rather than the whole thing..Does it make sense to the average person? maybe not..But at the end of the day if it works for them, then I suppose its fine..

 

TFY

[Praying4Peace]

I'm not sure I understand the question- do you mean MM's happiness of having BOTH the W and the AP? If so, umm...no thanks. I'm not going to support his dysfunction (happy dysfunctions included!)

 

If you mean MM's happiness in general...yeah I want it. I care about him a lot. If I think of him sad or in pain or even sick it makes my eyes well up. I have, for all intents and purposes, fallen of the face of the earth for him (though we live really close to each other). It's for his own good, he'll put this all behind him one day. I also don't want him to feel any guilt or responsibility for me so I stay out of sight.

 

He wouldn't be happy with me, at least in his M he has a chance to 'have it all'.

[MissBee]

I'm not sure I understand the question- do you mean MM's happiness of having BOTH the W and the AP? If so, umm...no thanks. I'm not going to support his dysfunction (happy dysfunctions included!)

If you mean MM's happiness in general...yeah I want it. I care about him a lot. If I think of him sad or in pain or even sick it makes my eyes well up. I have, for all intents and purposes, fallen of the face of the earth for him (though we live really close to each other). It's for his own good, he'll put this all behind him one day. I also don't want him to feel any guilt or responsibility for me so I stay out of sight.

 

He wouldn't be happy with me, at least in his M he has a chance to 'have it all'.

 

To the bold:

 

But that's essentially part of my question: where do you draw the line in terms of happiness?

 

I have seen other posts claiming "it's not cheating, it's called seeking happiness" and I was dumbfounded. It seems like there is an idea that ALL is acceptable so long as it makes one happy. I'm not sure I buy this. One indeed can have "happy dysfunctions."

 

I definitely cared about my exAP's happiness...but I am not understanding the idea that if it makes him happy to have two girlfriends, one a secret, I should just be happy for him and allow him to to do it.

 

In all relationships, romantic and platonic, I care about the person's happiness but I get suspicious if it starts to seem like their happiness can only come at a great disadvantage or expense to me. Some people are takers and will take and take so long as no one is stopping them. Some MM I'm sure are this way and it seems would have a field day and felt they hit the jackpot if an OW simply allowed them to do whatever made them happy...no matter how unfair it is.

 

I'm curious how many OW felt that MM's happiness and their own were equal and equally taken care of and how many felt that they made more concessions and catered more to his happiness versus their own?

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

For some people, happiness is relative. When you lose things and feel like you don't have much- you're more likely to settle for anything. When you find something and realize all you're missing- you're more likely to no longer settle for what you thought was once enough.

 

You don't always realize you are thirsty, until you begin to drink...

[DelusionalOne]

Wow, tough question.

 

Do I want his happiness above my own? Well, I don't want him to be unhappy, but I can't watch him being happy with someone else. I guess I try not to think about it too much.

 

This whole happiness question it pretty much what shook me out of everything. You know when you start questioning everything in your head.

The only conclusion I came to was there was no happy ending here. No matter what way it turned out. All kinds of unhappiness at every turn and I can't take my happiness at the expense of others...especially with kids involved. So I guess yeah, I put his happiness before mine...within reason.

[HonestNeurotic]

I want him to be happy - sure. But I am not in charge of anyone's personal happiness, save my own. If he has to have me to be happy, well, he's surely going to be disappointed. No person can "make" you be happy. That comes from within. I want everyone to be "happy". I'll not be responsible for it.

[bellasue]

Yes, I want him to be happy. However, through the course of our affair when I really got to know him, and his thoughts and feelings, he has sort of a "sad" soul. Although he always said he could make himself happy in any and all situations, it seemed like he had a fair amount of regrets in his life. Even if he would never admit it.

 

He never wanted me to be sad or disappointed with him. Don't know what he thought when dday happened and he disappeared. I think it probably made him sad. But really who knows.

[Bittersweetie]

It seems like there is an idea that ALL is acceptable so long as it makes one happy.

 

I think this is a justification that is common when it comes to affairs and other things as well. We all have to look out for number one, don't we? No one else is going to make me happy, so I should do whatever it takes to make myself happy!

 

And it is correct: no one else CAN make you (general you) happy...only yourself. But really, should your own happiness be reached at the expense of another's? Your happiness that comes at a price of someone else's, even if that person doesn't know about it yet? Is that the kind of person you want to be?

 

I continue to pursue my own happiness...but NOT at the expense of someone else's.

[leanna123]

I really like this question a lot Ms. Bee! I tend to throw out the word "happiness" around quite a bit but it does mean something different to everyone. I do want my AP (now former AP, yet we are going through transition to non-physical, read my thread) to be very happy. I have expressed to him, that above all else, I sincerely desire his happiness. And, yes, that means if it is without me in his life. I believe that the highest level of a selfless type of caring for another is putting their happiness above your own. That doesn't mean putting my own happiness at a lower value. It means putting complete faith in the powers that be and that by going through the process of the break up or marriage resolution...things will evolve and grow and change. Happiness is NOT a destination and that's where I think the confusion lies. It's an ever-changing ever evolving life process and journey. You can be going through a tough time, but be "happy/content" knowing you're true to yourself. For me, personally, happiness is the freedom to be true to myself. Quelling that is not living my life. And doing that...is MUCH MUCH more difficult than anything.

[thefooloftheyear]

In the confines of an affair type relationship..

 

Its like baking the favorite cake for the cake eater...!!

 

What a deal

 

TFY

[MissBee]

In the confines of an affair type relationship..

 

Its like baking the favorite cake for the cake eater...!!

 

What a deal

 

TFY

 

 

This is a perfect analogy.

[Mount]

Not at all! Never a single second I would have thought what you wrote below.

 

Can you not see - the existing of MM is for myself, for my happiness. And also, I want MM to be mine only, that would make me happy. Otherwise MM does not need to exist in my life - very simple, why I would make a choice to make someone not making me happy existing around me?

 

In other words, did you/do you feel as though how your relationship plays/played out, your happiness is/was tended to/compromised for as much as MM’s? At what expense to you did MM's happiness come? At what expense to MM did your happiness come?

[Mount]

No wonder what MB or you were saying never came across my mind.

 

It is quite simple:

 

It is a simple process of rationalization to give the illusion the OW is noble and wants the best for the MM. That is why you even see OWs given advice to MM on how to improve their marriages while they are in bed together having sex.:).

 

It is very similar to the other well used phrase: "I don't want him to leave his marriage for me". Yeah, right!:cool:

[DelusionalOne]

It is quite simple:

 

It is a simple process of rationalization to give the illusion the OW is noble and wants the best for the MM. That is why you even see OWs given advice to MM on how to improve their marriages while they are in bed together having sex.:).

 

It is very similar to the other well used phrase: "I don't want him to leave his marriage for me". Yeah, right!:cool:

 

Delusional - yes.

Noble - No.

[findingnemo]

I did a lot of saying the "noble" thing. I truly, desperately wanted to feel the "noble" thing. That xMM deserves to stay M and be happy. The one problem I had with that is that he was cheating. Of course he was happy!!! He had his W, kids and home life and then he had me and a whole other life.

 

I was never happy, that's a fact. I always wanted a true R and my version of happy was him and I together. So for a long time, I must have valued his happiness more than my own. I never got my happy, there never was as much as a hint that I would get my happy and yet I stayed for 8+ years.

 

When xMM was happy (during the A), the expense was my happiness. I eventually changed my mind about what being happy meant to me and ended the A. That action was definitely at the expense of his happiness. Sadly in my A experience, one of us was compromising to the point of losing out almost completely. First me, then him.

 

Hope I'm making sense.

[bellasue]

xMM always said he wanted me to be happy. I almost never was. He struggled to make me happy via text, etc. But if I interrupted his evening with BS, he wasn't happy and I wasn't either.

 

I always thought given a chance at a real relationship we could have been happy. I know I am delusional though!

[thefooloftheyear]

I did a lot of saying the "noble" thing. I truly, desperately wanted to feel the "noble" thing. That xMM deserves to stay M and be happy. The one problem I had with that is that he was cheating. Of course he was happy!!! He had his W, kids and home life and then he had me and a whole other life.

 

I was never happy, that's a fact. I always wanted a true R and my version of happy was him and I together. So for a long time, I must have valued his happiness more than my own. I never got my happy, there never was as much as a hint that I would get my happy and yet I stayed for 8+ years.

 

When xMM was happy (during the A), the expense was my happiness. I eventually changed my mind about what being happy meant to me and ended the A. That action was definitely at the expense of his happiness. Sadly in my A experience, one of us was compromising to the point of losing out almost completely. First me, then him.

 

Hope I'm making sense.

 

Well said...I understand completely

 

 

This is why these things are so painful...more so than a "traditional" relationship.. In many cases it doesnt end when someone loses interest or there are big quarrels or dealbreakers..Both parties become victims of circumstances.

 

I think the ones that choose to stay in it and accept their role probably just feel its better to have a piece than nothing at all..If they are able to tolerate it then I guess more power to them? I dont get it, but I am not the one that that person has to answer to..

 

TFY

[findingnemo]

Yes, TFY. I do believe we were victims of circumstances, more me than him though. His circumstances, like mine, were always in his control. He made a choice to not work for "us" by staying M. How it took so long for me to realize, I don't know.

 

I made the choice to compromise in order for there to be an "us". I knew he couldn't leave or that he chose not to leave and yet I took it upon myself to accept a situation I had no control over and then to subject myself to his needs. Had someone explained this to me then (possibly with pie charts and graphs, LOL) I would have seen what it was I was choosing.

 

When I see some posters talk about their As and how unhappy they are, I feel like sitting them down and illustrating the extent of their problem. Perhaps they would realize that the little piece of happiness isn't really there. In their minds, there is the hope for happiness. A hope rarely shared by the MP because his/her definition of happiness is very different.

[Got it]

Recently I’ve seen posts fromOW stating that they want MM to be happy, so if it means having them and their family, then that’s fine with them because they love him and desire his happiness. I found this to be a really interesting thing to discuss re: affairs, as well as other relationships, i.e the balance of making two people in a relationship happy and the cost of happiness and at whose expense.

 

My immediate response upon reading that if MM wants a wife and family and OW in order to be happy, to be honest, was: Wow. These guys have it made! Some people truly get to have it ALL don’t they! I was thinking: how can anyone think this??? Don’t you see how problematic it is? MM can have all he wants and his “happiness”, but what about yours??? Do you really think MM values your happiness as much as you value his? If happiness for you is him being exclusively yours, how come most MM don’t seem to be willing to do that to make OW happy, yet OW are the ones who have to compromise and care about MM’s happiness, even when it doesn’t seem to work the other way??? MM is of course happy to have family and OW and OW has to just be happy he’s happy and find happiness therein .

 

After that initial reaction, I do realize happiness isn’t the same for everyone and maybe some genuinely are wholly satisfied with this, while I am certain others convince themselves into it or aren’t happy about it. I suppose the question is mainly for OW who would rather not be in an A setup but tolerate it. I want to discuss MM’s happiness vs. OW’s and how many current and former OW felt that what they were willing to accept for MM to be happy was reciprocated? In other words, did you/do you feel as though how your relationship plays/played out, your happiness is/was tended to/compromised for as much as MM’s? At what expense to you did MM's happiness come? At what expense to MM did your happiness come?

 

I think there may be multiple and concurrent thought processes with this. In most relationships there is compromising that happens on both sides on different pieces. So one can compromise in this area because it doesn't impact their level of happiness greatly. So it isn't a dealbreaker to allow this dynamic for the OP.

 

Then there is the allowance in a short term and long term basis. An OP will concede this point in the short term to have a gain in the long term. So the allowance will be made for a future pay off. I think this is most common and this is a big gamble and where resentment can grow. This can stem from two different approaches to this allowance. When looking at the cost analysis it is okay on the short term for this long time pay off but can shift and the allowance is no longer acceptable because the long term is now needing to have moved over to short term. Or the allowance was never acceptable but the OP will allow it because of either a need to be a KISA, because the future gain seems so great and is worth the gamble for short term suffering, and/or a martyr complex.

 

This is why focusing on the Present is so important and being okay with Today. A book I read, for business, but does apply here that I think is beneficial is The Present: The Gift That Makes You Happier and More Successful at Work and in Life, Today! by Spencer Cooper. As well as his other book, "Who Moved My Cheese?" Both books are about the viewpoint that Life either happens to you or you happen to Life. And understanding what one has control over, what one can do, and how one can be happy today, tomorrow and in the future.

[Washingmachine1980]

I was always sweet and nice with my MM. Wish I would have been more of my meaner and rude self. Guess the relationship wouldn't have lasted as long. Still have M men hit on a me quite a bit and I make fun of them to their faces about being losers. They don't seem to like that too much.

[Silly_Girl]

If I decided I was happier to be with him, as a married man, or not be with him at all, then that was my call to make based on my happiness.

 

I did weigh that exact predicament up many times and each time made a choice for how things suited me at that point.

 

Likewise, if he had decided to stay and reconcile properly, then I would respect that and be happy for him/then. It might not have been what *I* would have chosen but then who of us (whether OW or BS) wants to be with a man who's yearning for someone else. Splitting up and wishing him well would have been the right thing to do.

[MissBee]

xMM always said he wanted me to be happy. I almost never was. He struggled to make me happy via text, etc. But if I interrupted his evening with BS, he wasn't happy and I wasn't either.

 

I always thought given a chance at a real relationship we could have been happy. I know I am delusional though!

 

I can so relate to making you happy by text...lmaoo

 

Funnily, it was in non-A go-around that I felt this way and just had to end it. Because, while no longer an A, it was still constrained and I felt like he was completely happy and content with the limitations and trying to make me happy by these sub-standard media.

 

You're not delusional for thinking that. I think that's the thing...in an A, if it doesn't work out, one is often left with the feeling that it would have all went well and been perfect "if only", and perhaps that is some of the charm...the fantasy and you never really knowing. However, reality is, given a real chance it may or may not work out like any other relationship.

[MissBee]

Wow. I'm pretty sure my comment was this thread was spawned... because it came right after I posted that. (Not being a narcissist, but since I used those words and I don't see many others actually say that, it makes me think it) I'm actually pretty offended by a lot of this thread.

I don't tell you that you are wrong or your views are laughable or bizarre, even though I completely disagree with a LOT of what you say.

 

Yeah, he probably DOES have it made. Good. That's awesome. I'm glad he's happy.

 

You assume I'm settling for less, yet my relationship is more fullfilling to me than many "amazing" marriages that I see, and certainly at least as good as most talked abouit on any relationship forum. Maybe the reason falls in the answers to the first part of your post, He does make my happiness a priority. People that care for one another do that FOR ONE ANOTHER. My happiness isn't based on him being exclusively mine either. So him NOT being mine isn't taking anything away from my happiness.

 

I also don't rely on a man to provide my happiness. He is a HUGE part of my life. He is an AMAZING piece of my happiness, but as is said time and again happiness comes from within. I don't NEED him to be sleeping in my bed every night to know he loves me. He sincerely loves us both, in different ways, and him loving her takes nothing away from the love he has for me.

 

If I were a different person, because of different events in my life, or my scenario were different, then I'd probably NOT feel this way, and I might want different things, but I am who I am, my life is what it s, and I do feel this way. The attempt to belittle one's feelings I see lately here is alarming. I didn't have to "convince" myself I'm happy, I truly am.

 

More people should realize that relationships should enhance your life, not become it. They would find more happiness themselves that way.

 

 

 

You made the comment and someone else made the comment too in another thread. I don't remember who the other poster was. But I saw it twice in a short span and both times, I was like: oh...interesting. However, your comment and the other poster's comment sparked my curiosity about this as a larger topic and it really wasn't meant as a slight to you or for you to defend your situation. I genuinely am sorry if you feel offended. I personally don't mind anyone finding my views bizarre, that's an opinion they are free to have. I don't care if people think I am wrong...sometimes I am. It's not rude or mean to think someone is wrong. However, I never said your or anyone's view is wrong.

 

I didn't assume anything about you and wasn't using it as a secret way to call you out. You made one of the comments, yes, but the thread isn't about that comment only, but a larger question brought to mind by the comment. In my initial post I explained what made me think of the topic, then was frank about my honest reaction to it (which I am allowed to have and express), then went on to say that, although that's my reaction, I also realize happiness means different things to different people and listed some scenarios, then opened the floor for OW/fOW to speak to their own experience about whether or not they felt MM's happiness came at a great and perhaps unfair expense to them or not. I already know not everyone will feel this way and it was meant to discuss and yes, gain more understanding of a concept I didn't get.

 

I thought I was making it clear that I was giving my own reaction but then could concede that not everyone may see it the same, so people are free to explain how they felt. If I didn't, and you feel this is specifically a critique of you and your life, I really am sorry. It wasn't meant to be like that.

[MissBee]

I'm not sure how happiness not coming from your relationship and relying on it for happiness has to do with anything really. That's another topic entirely.

 

My question was: did you feel like MM's happiness came at a great expense to you? Did/do you feel like you allowed/compromised more so than he did in order for him to be happy? Did/do you feel like he did the same for you and was it equal? In other words, as an OW, did you feel like you were willing to do more to make MM happy than he was willing to make you happy?

 

Those are my questions...