Saying you want to wait until marriage is like saying you've got the ebola virus...

[BornToDie]

Being raised in the Bible belt, I have always been appalled at the hypocrisy of girls I grew up with that went around giving BJs to everyone and then being adamant about "waiting for marriage." Some of the girls wore purity rings, and the guys would joke and say, "true love waits, but it don't wait long." Isn't that the truth.

 

Naturally, humans are sexual beings with needs. Sex is proven to be healthy. I believe that if you truly love someone and are serious, you should test the waters. Sex is a beautiful thing that can have many benefits, and at the same time, many repercussions.

Bottom line, I feel like waiting is unrealistic. If you love your partner and can be responsible/make good choices, go for it.

[dreamingoftigers]

My husband was willing to wait until marriage out of respect for my beliefs.

Which really impressed me.

 

But we didn't wait.

 

I respect those that do. But four years of chastity after converting to Christianity was my limit.

[BluEyeL]

Woah...wait a min. alimony STILL exists when a woman is working for a living? (if it even exists at all)

 

I was under the impression alimony only works if the woman was a stay at home housewife/mom through out most of her life, because when she divorces....she has no employer.

 

I knew of a woman that was divorced, was only a stay at home mom, divorced happened at 40-something, and at that age, with no college degree, no job skills....alimony was only then, justified.

 

Depends on the state. Some states have alimony, others don't. For example, Indiana doesn't have alimony at all. If you stayed home and are 40+ with no skills, tough luck, no alimony for you. Bad decision to depend on someone else for your livelihood. Doesn't affect me, but I found out about it, because my ex had no job when we got divorced, so I was afraid not to have to pay alimony so I asked a lawyer.

[Imported]

True, most men won't wait. I've brought this up before and I know it causes some to be disinterested because then I'm a waste of time, energy, and money if I'm not going to sleep with them. In those cases I think that I spared myself my feelings and my body .

 

And it's not impossible to meet a guy who also wants to wait until marriage. I've met them but it's just like any other dating. There needs to be chemistry.

 

I think sex is a part of getting to know a woman. A very big part. One that both partners should know fully about each other before getting married. I think getting to know a woman does not imply marriage and holding out on sex till marriage is like her trying to hold something over on me to force my hand and I don't appreciate behavior like that at all and will be moving on. Not because I couldn't get sex, but because there was a roadblock to what I think is a normal course of getting to know each other. Hey, there might be something about how I perform in sex that you don't like. Things I really like that you refuse to do. Things you want, that I would never do. I am not going to wait till marriage to figure these things out. The fact that sex is being used as a motivator is already a good sign of what to expect....and it is not good.

 

No, you are not that special. Because I wouldn't be able to get to know you so whatever peculiarities about you that will endear you, it will stay unknown.

[Estate]

Because even men who say they are super religious ...are youth pastors...believe in taking things slow... clear out after that statement. It's like their eyes glaze over or something.

 

My cousin once told me a hilarious story of her friend who was dating a minister. And he would get on the pulpit and preach against fornication...until he got home.

 

Dating is extra hard for those waiting.

 

But it's just like anything else in dating....

If you REALLY aren't into short guys... will something change your mind? Maybe but its rare the guy would get long enough to show you.

 

If you want to wait then you have to find someone who also wants to wait.

 

Not wanting to wait doesn't mean someone is sex mad. Personally though, I couldn't imagine marrying and spending the rest of my life with someone I had never known intimately. It's very important to me that we are compatible in a lot of ways and being able to sustain a good sex life where we can please each other is VERY important... just liking the same songs is not enough for me to know a marriage would work. What if it turned out we were totally sexually incompatable? We didn't like the same things, we just weren't in sync? I feel someone who waits sees sex as some sort of mechanical thing which is not important to a relationship or is something you just kinda have to do once in a while. I personally could not spend the rest of my life with someone who does not see sexual chemistry as part of a loving relationship.

 

Bu that is me, I feel strongly about lots of other areas of relationships too which are important for me to see to know it will work. Its not all about sex.

 

So I need to find someone who is in tune with that... wanting sex before marriage does not make me a lesser human being or it doesn't mean its "easier" for me to find someone to marry! It's every bit as hard!

 

But if THAT is what's important to you, then you have to find someone who also sees the things that are important to YOU as equally important to them... just like the rest of us.

 

So with all due respect... get off your morally high horse.

[ThomasD]

My wife and I were wedding-night virgins . . . .

I have known married couples that had waited, chances are they were VERY young when they got married.

 

I knew of this one couple, Christian, dated in their high school days, and got married 2 months after graduating high school.

 

I was like "Duh, no wonder you were able to wait until marriage" lol.

We were both 22 and out of college (undergrad) when we met, and 23 when we married. Before we met each other, I had one serious girlfriend; she had one serious boyfriend and other short-term, not very serious boyfriends.

[ThomasD]

. . . it causes some to be disinterested because then I'm a waste of time, energy, and money if I'm not going to sleep with them. In those cases I think that I spared myself my feelings and my body.

I think you have spared that, and more!

 

And it's not impossible to meet a guy who also wants to wait until marriage. I've met them but it's just like any other dating. There needs to be chemistry.

The specific "Do you want to wait?" question isn't really a first-date discussion topic in my book. OK, I have only had 2 serious girlfriends but in both cases we knew there was attraction and interest (and had done some kissing ) before having that discussion.

[ThomasD]

I am curious on who would buy on this ... I have a kid but I don't want sex till marriage . . .

It could indicate a girl who has the intelligence and insight to seriously evaluate her beliefs and life philosophy, and has the strength of character to change things she decides to change. To me these are admirable qualities.

 

There ARE other rational explanations for that behavior; the ones that come to mind would probably be deal-breakers for me.

[Els]

Most men who go to church still want to have sex outside of marriage. And it depends on where you attend.

 

Going to church is very different from being very active in Christian circles. The latter is not a guarantee, but probably still a higher chance. How many men have you tried getting to know? And yes, of course it depends where you attend, but being active does not mean restricting yourself to your own church - most active folk attend cross-country youth events, mission trips, etc.

 

There are a few guys on LS, even (and trust me, LS is hornyland ) who have said that they waited til marriage (or don't mind waiting til marriage), so it's quite a stretch to say they wouldn't exist IRL.

 

In the end, you have to own the choices you make, though. Much of this thread seems to consist of you saying you'll never change your mind, and then saying that it's impossible to get what you want (even though you haven't tried all that much?). So... was this all intended as just a rant?

[dreamingoftigers]

It could indicate a girl who has the intelligence and insight to seriously evaluate her beliefs and life philosophy, and has the strength of character to change things she decides to change. To me these are admirable qualities.

 

There ARE other rational explanations for that behavior; the ones that come to mind would probably be deal-breakers for me.

 

I think that she's quite admirable as well.

[ThomasD]

When a woman says this, she eliminates 90-95% of the male population from being interested

There's some credible evidence that the percentage isn't quite that high, but I'm certain it's pretty high.

 

Of course, she doesn't want to marry ". . . 90-95% of the male population . . ." (at least I HOPE not!) - she only has to find ONE guy who meets her requirements, including this compatibility point that is especially significant to her.

 

The logic is the same as an unemployed person who only applies for jobs as, say, an accountant. That person may be self-eliminated from consideration for 90% of the job openings, but at the same time is determined to be an accountant and only needs to be hired into ONE job.

[ThomasD]

I'm a 26 yr old virgin, practicing abstinence for religious reasons.

(I presume "abstinence" means at least "no intercourse before marriage", and perhaps something even more restrictive; but you expect and look forward to sex on a regular basis after marriage.)

 

At what point in a dating relationship do you make this known?

 

What are your feelings about dating guys who agree with your abstinence position, but are themselves not virgins? Once you learn of their sexual history, does that end the relationship? Or (assuming there was mutual interest and attraction in other areas) would you continue dating, but with the understanding that it probably wouldn't lead to marriage? Or would you actually prefer to date non-virgin guys?

 

There are men out there who do not feel that sex is a requirement for dating.

I agree.

[ThomasD]

. . . It involves both parties making a commitment to each other. It's an okay and respectable thing to give yourself to your husband only.

 

And I respect men who step up to the plate. If I'm expected to surrender all of me, why can't he surrender all of himself?

Intimate and fulfilling marriages require each partner to give up at least part (not necessarily all) of the "me" and "you" to create the "us".

[ThomasD]

. . . So, as you can see, some men may not find your preference antithetical, within limits. If , as you say, you'd have a good idea at six or eight months in, then you would entertain a proposal of marriage at that point, with an equally timed engagement period, or less? IMO, whatever your perspective is, it's paramount to clearly communicate it and be certain that your dating partner understands your steadfast adherence to it . . . .

That's essentially what worked for us, and whether or not you count us as "older" (or even "superannuated"!), you can't deny that we are from the baby-boom, post-sexual revolution generation.

[ThomasD]

. . . My sister dated this uber religious guy for Six years (17 until 23), they got married, although there were red flags everywhere. Well, she said, nobody else would wait, so I'm sticking with him (like waiting for years is something that normal people do) He waited, she said, I cannot not marry him now, although things are not going great. The were not compatible sexually and on other fronts, he was abusive, he thought women are inferior to men, and should mind their own place, and eventually he hit her and they got divorced in 4 years, after having a baby. So much for the value of waiting like a crazy person. You marry a crazy person and end up divorced.

If I read this correctly, your sister's marriage BROKE UP for reasons (physical abuse, and others) quite unrelated to the wait/don't wait question. It sounds like she initially MARRIED not entirely because her guy waited, but rather because she looked around and saw most people NOT waiting - which makes her sound just as mentally unstable as you claim her guy is.

[ThomasD]

My husband was willing to wait until marriage out of respect for my beliefs.

Which really impressed me.

 

But we didn't wait.

 

I respect those that do. But four years of chastity after converting to Christianity was my limit.

Would you characterize your "not-waiting" as essentially a one-time (or infrequent) event, or something you felt unable to resist, or a conscious decision to act contrary to the Christian beliefs you adopted?

[Eclypse]

Holding out for the right one is not a power game. It involves both parties making a commitment to each other. It's an okay and respectable thing to give yourself to your husband only.

 

And I respect men who step up to the plate. If I'm expected to surrender all of me, why can't he surrender all of himself?

 

I was referring to religion and authority in the first part of that post. Apologies! I got carried away.

 

Of course everyone has their own values. You choose to hold out for marriage with a God fearing husband. This is admirable, and I respect that you are sticking to your guns. But of course as with all things you will have to make compromise, and in this case the compromise might be that you may have to wait much longer to find your perfect man.

 

It all comes down to how you view sex. I wouldn't have sex with just anyone. I've only had sex with one person actually. But we were dating for 2 months before it felt right to lose our virginities to each other. Neither of us were abstaining for any particular religious reasons though.