Omg... I went out with a bpd

[thefooloftheyear]

It's your job to fix you. Emotionally healthy people don't dance with emotionally unhealthy people. Which means there are issues on your end as well. You REALLY need to address those. I think people who dated a BPDer can relate to your story. I know many sceptics will say we are not professionals, but when you dated a BDPer you just know it. The stories are always so similar. You just find yourself nodding along to them.

 

Take it from a guy who tried in vain to open his ex's mind. It is an enormous waste of your time. Not only that when a BPDer is being 'exposed' or threatened they bite back hard. Some people are broke and you can't fix them. You need to accept that fact, let this go and focus on yourself. What will happen to her, will happen to her. She is no longer your concern. You need to ensure your own happiness.

 

If your focus is all on her you will attract another unhealthy partner in the future and the cycle begins again. I speak from experience mate..You will NEVER understand her behaviours so quit trying.

 

 

Im not sure this is always true....

 

I think anyone can be "duped" into thinking there is nothing wrong or its something to do with the "conditions"...You dont realize it until you are in it...And I think guys get caught up in the wild sex of it..That type of stuff turns fully functioanal men into piles of shyt..

 

She had an uncanny way of turning everything around on you and making you feel bad or guilty when it was she that should have bore the brunt of all the scorn...

 

TFY

[jabbzy64]

I fell in love with a mirage... a fake person...

 

by the time I was seeing the behaviour of any type of issues.. I was hooked in. Addicted.. it's easy to say "oh you should've just left" .. It's not ALWAYS that easy! you get to care about these people and love them.

 

But at the end of the day she betrayed me many times and all I can do is go NC and heal myself.

[jabbzy64]

I will give her credit for something though...

 

she did warn me that she self sabotages people that get too close to her.

around 7 months in.... heh, I thought I'd be different:love:

[thefooloftheyear]

I will give her credit for something though...

 

she did warn me that she self sabotages people that get too close to her.

around 7 months in.... heh, I thought I'd be different:love:

 

Funny..Mine never said anything like that to me, but I suppose with 2 failed marriages(both very short) and by her admission " a ton" of relationships, she sounds like a self sabatoging woman like yours.. Every time I turned around, she told me about another different guy she used to date..But it was always THEIR fault..THEY were the ones that screwed up..

 

I am so glad I saw the real her...It took me at least 4 months to get my head out of my ass to see how damaged a person she really was..

 

TFY

[jabbzy64]

Funny..Mine never said anything like that to me, but I suppose with 2 failed marriages(both very short) and by her admission " a ton" of relationships, she sounds like a self sabatoging woman like yours.. Every time I turned around, she told me about another different guy she used to date..But it was always THEIR fault..THEY were the ones that screwed up..

 

I am so glad I saw the real her...It took me at least 4 months to get my head out of my ass to see how damaged a person she really was..

 

TFY

 

heh... mine did that too... she even bla

med getting audited by tax office last on her ex ..

also I found out she used to go to sex parties and be on bdsm sites... her ex made her go on them.... PLEASE!

[dreamingoftigers]

I fell in love with a mirage... a fake person...

 

by the time I was seeing the behaviour of any type of issues.. I was hooked in. Addicted.. it's easy to say "oh you should've just left" .. It's not ALWAYS that easy! you get to care about these people and love them.

 

But at the end of the day she betrayed me many times and all I can do is go NC and heal myself.

 

It's hard though, because a part of BPD is lacking a "Sense of self."

Took me years to ground some things. I am positive that I don't like ketchup though. No one can take that away from me. That stuff is ....

 

In the childhood of a BPD person, there often is a sense of being enmeshed, guilted and abandoned, all randomly based on parental (usually) mood swings. It slaughters a chance to develop an identity when often you are unable to separate yourself from a needy parent or get the attention mirrored to you from an abandoning parent. Having BPD is like having a shattered-mirror identity. The pieces are there but it is very difficult to see how they fit together with any sense. The bigger picture eludes the BPD person but to the outsider, they are quite shiny.

 

But I hear you. I had BPD, I get that it's hard to leave people.

 

I will give her credit for something though...

 

she did warn me that she self sabotages people that get too close to her.

around 7 months in.... heh, I thought I'd be different:love:

 

I learned the hard way: people often tell you who they are. I was engaged to a man who told me in the first month of dating him that he didn't think he would ever be able to marry because he was too much of a coward. He dropped me six weeks before our wedding. He did it by suddenly moving and letting me know after the fact. Yes, I did have issues. But by that point I was relatively self-aware and had actually started the work to iron out my issues. I started reading more and could trace some of the self-destructive behaviours. (In hindsight, not bad for a 22 year old BPD ). We had also been together 2.5 years. There really wasn't a decent reason other than the fact that he was a coward. But, in all fairness he told me straight-up on month one what he was. 2.5 years and an engagement didn't alter who he was at the core. I am not saying that he had to marry me. It would really not have been the best thing (and really his and my kids would have been waaayyy less cute than the little person I have now. )(and yes I am allowed to think that!)

 

If people tell you who they are in jest or in momentary lapse early on: believe them. Believe those actions that you want to override and dismiss because you think you've found "the happy." Put the Hallmark card back on the shelf and back away!

 

Funny..Mine never said anything like that to me, but I suppose with 2 failed marriages(both very short) and by her admission " a ton" of relationships, she sounds like a self sabatoging woman like yours.. Every time I turned around, she told me about another different guy she used to date..But it was always THEIR fault..THEY were the ones that screwed up..

I am so glad I saw the real her...It took me at least 4 months to get my head out of my ass to see how damaged a person she really was..

 

TFY

 

Yes, if someone is not admitting to some kind of fault but has a real constant time of whinging or reiterating "constant bad luck" red flag. Red Flag like China and the Soviet Union having a joint parade for blood donation.

 

It might not be BPD, but trust me, if they blame their environment/childhood/parents/(ex)spouse/family/friends/job/neighbours/pets/police/doctor/government/religious leaders or scientists/liberals etc etc etc.... it'll only be a matter of time until you make the list.

 

And yeah, if they blast off to the parking meter guy, it's only a matter of time until they address you the same way. People don't tend to necessarily "filter" how they act. A lot of them are just very good at coming up with distractions early on. "That was a one-off, those things don't usually piss me off." uh-huh.

[dreamingoftigers]

heh... mine did that too... she even bla

med getting audited by tax office last on her ex ..

also I found out she used to go to sex parties and be on bdsm sites... her ex made her go on them.... PLEASE!

 

I've noticed somewhat of a correlation with this behaviour and BPD.

 

I was never a "Sex party" person.

 

But a BPD will often associate pain with passion or love.

 

Oddly enough, my internal sexual attractions shifted away from BDSM post-treatment. It's something I'd still be willing to do with a committed partner for "something different." But I did try it with my first partner and developed somewhat of an obsession about it. The pain/passion factor.

 

There's something about it sending this odd message that the person must need you really bad...as you are trying or unable to resist. It's like a BPD version of love. Someone truly, deeply has a compulsion or craving for you that they can't resist AND they have the power over you to fight what you want for it. From having a childhood filled with enmeshment and then abandonment, it seems to satisfy some deep-seated urges. It allows the BPD person (in fantasy) to not be attached and hurting over someone that wants them AND they get the forced pleasure out of it.

 

Post-treatment, it waned a bit for me. Then after I had my daughter, and 10 weeks of celibacy, (thanks to 3 days of labour, ouch!) I didn't crave it as much. My husband has never been into it at all. But I couldn't even in fantasy take it to the same mentally-stimulating levels. Something about my daughter's mother getting treated like filth just turned me off.

[Emilia]

We all should've been fixed.

:lmao:

In the childhood of a BPD person, there often is a sense of being enmeshed, guilted and abandoned, all randomly based on parental (usually) mood swings. It slaughters a chance to develop an identity when often you are unable to separate yourself from a needy parent or get the attention mirrored to you from an abandoning parent. Having BPD is like having a shattered-mirror identity.

My ex's father was the needy parent, he told me how his father constantly chased after his mother who was the distant one. It hurt him a lot to see that dynamic between his parents.

[dreamingoftigers]

:lmao:

 

My ex's father was the needy parent, he told me how his father constantly chased after his mother who was the distant one. It hurt him a lot to see that dynamic between his parents.

 

My father is super-needy, but it presents differently because it's NPD.

 

I like to say that the difference between BPD and NPD boils down to "if you want to leave the BPD says 'I'll throw myself off of a bridge if you go.' The NPD says, "do it, I'll replace you tomorrow anyhow." The sociopath will offer to drive you.

[Emilia]

I like to say that the difference between BPD and NPD boils down to "if you want to leave the BPD says 'I'll throw myself off of a bridge if you go.' The NPD says, "do it, I'll replace you tomorrow anyhow." The sociopath will offer to drive you.

:lmao:

 

Congrats, you've made it to Loveshack Hall of Fame again! I might actually frame this :lmao:

[dreamingoftigers]

:lmao:

 

Congrats, you've made it to Loveshack Hall of Fame again! I might actually frame this :lmao:

 

Sweet!!!!

 

*ahem* *ahem*

 

"Thank you everyone for showing up to J's thread. I would like to thank my parents, who royally messed with my head. My grandmother who taught me how to read young BUT abandoned me at seven years old. And really, my mental disorder. I could have been in a mansion with the perfect family and stable finances if it wasn't for you saving me from that fate, BPD. I might never have known what the inside of a psych ward looked like. Or how to live in the back of a van. Oh BPD, I don't exactly miss you causing me to slip back and forth emotionally at the drop of a hat, but we did have some good times together. Two good times I think, that's about all that I remember.

 

My brother and sister for just being disabled, it gave me empathy and understanding. My ex-boyfriends, some of whom ran really fast and other's who ran faster later. And some who I should've run from sooner. But most of all my husband, who screwed me over in such a fashion that I ended up with full EMDR, which finally treated me enough to come onto Loveshack seeking answers for his myriad of issues! All of this helped to to develop a gallows humor.

 

Without all of you, I wouldn't be here today, my quote emblazoned into immortality (well until the thread gets pushed down to the bottom).

 

And most of all thank you Emilia for thread-stalking me!:lmao:"

[Emilia]

And most of all thank you Emilia for thread-stalking me!:lmao:"

That's ok my darling. As you know, I can't help myself :lmao:

[jabbzy64]

I'm going to say one final thing about her.. then, I'm going to lay this to rest.

 

is excessive spending a BPD trait?

 

I remember how she said for one of her birthdays she took all her male mates to a strip club (that she was working at the time) and just kept withdrawing cadh from her credit card and buying her mates lap dances... now she complains of a high credit card and bad credit.

[Emilia]

I'm going to say one final thing about her.. then, I'm going to lay this to rest.

 

is excessive spending a BPD trait?

 

I remember how she said for one of her birthdays she took all her male mates to a strip club (that she was working at the time) and just kept withdrawing cadh from her credit card and buying her mates lap dances... now she complains of a high credit card and bad credit.

my ex was so normal compared to your ex

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm going to say one final thing about her.. then, I'm going to lay this to rest.

 

is excessive spending a BPD trait?

 

I remember how she said for one of her birthdays she took all her male mates to a strip club (that she was working at the time) and just kept withdrawing cadh from her credit card and buying her mates lap dances... now she complains of a high credit card and bad credit.

 

Borderline Personality Disorder | Psych Central

 

See: impulsiveness.

 

I still have spending issues.

 

although not on lapdances

[dreamingoftigers]

Borderline Personality Disorder Resource Center

 

more concise site.

 

And updated DSM V:

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201112/borderline-personality-disorder-big-changes-in-the-dsm-5

[dreamingoftigers]

I hope that the font doesn't screw up too much on this:

 

(I copied and pasted from BPDcentral.)

 

When you're interacting with someone with BPD, it's crucial to understand that their unconscious assumptions may be very different from yours.

Their assumptions may include:

 

I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or else I am worthless. I must be completely competent in all ways to be a worthwhile person.

Some people are good and everything about them is perfect. Other people are thoroughly bad and should be severely blamed and punished for it.

My feelings are always caused by external events. I have no control over my emotions or the things I do in reaction to them.

Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them, so I always lose everyone I care about-despite the desperate things I try to do to stop them from leaving me.

If someone treats me badly, then I become bad.

When I am alone, I become nobody and nothing.

I will be happy only when I can find an all-giving, perfect person to love me and take care of me no matter what.

But if someone close to this loves me, then something must be wrong with them.

I can't stand the frustration that I feel when I need something from someone and I can't get it. I've got to do something to make it go away.

 

Keep in mind that these do not reflect the thinking of every person with BPD. You must judge what is pertinent in your individual circumstances.

[Emilia]

Keep in mind that these do not reflect the thinking of every person with BPD. You must judge what is pertinent in your individual circumstances.

I know we discuss BPD on these threads ad nauseam but I think it's good to try to bear in mind that each person is different. I think it's a great shame when someone gets dismissed and fully characterised by their PD.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know we discuss BPD on these threads ad nauseam but I think it's good to try to bear in mind that each person is different. I think it's a great shame when someone gets dismissed and fully characterised by their PD.

 

Yeah, I've done my share of stuff. I don't need to share everything because honestly, I don't want to be judged by the benchmark I held for myself when I was mentally ill and 20-ish. But there were lines I never crossed.

 

I've smoked pot less than half a dozen times when I was 19. I found it boring and expensive. I've never done any other drugs. I drank at 18 and quit and I didn't screw around on guys. Only time I ever had sex drunk in my life was with my husband once. Other than that, haven't touched a drink in, jeez, must be 10 years. Didn't steal. Oh wait. Yes I once took silverware from a restaurant on Salt Spring Island because I was a bum and couldn't eat inside AND they didn't have plastic utensils. So I just thought, "eff you. I just spent $40 on takeout, I'm eating with utensils."

 

Not my proudest moment. Whatever.

[Emilia]

Yeah, I've done my share of stuff. I don't need to share everything because honestly, I don't want to be judged by the benchmark I held for myself when I was mentally ill and 20-ish. But there were lines I never crossed.

completely understandable. My ex was/is very unstable emotionally and has huge anger issues but still an honest person who wasn't a law onto himself. I don't like all the cheating/stealing/lying assumptions. Everyone is different.

[thefooloftheyear]

I hope that the font doesn't screw up too much on this:

 

(I copied and pasted from BPDcentral.)

 

When you're interacting with someone with BPD, it's crucial to understand that their unconscious assumptions may be very different from yours.

Their assumptions may include:

 

I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or else I am worthless. I must be completely competent in all ways to be a worthwhile person.

Some people are good and everything about them is perfect. Other people are thoroughly bad and should be severely blamed and punished for it.

My feelings are always caused by external events. I have no control over my emotions or the things I do in reaction to them.

Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them, so I always lose everyone I care about-despite the desperate things I try to do to stop them from leaving me.

If someone treats me badly, then I become bad.

When I am alone, I become nobody and nothing.

I will be happy only when I can find an all-giving, perfect person to love me and take care of me no matter what.

But if someone close to this loves me, then something must be wrong with them.

I can't stand the frustration that I feel when I need something from someone and I can't get it. I've got to do something to make it go away.

 

Keep in mind that these do not reflect the thinking of every person with BPD. You must judge what is pertinent in your individual circumstances.

 

This reads like an owners manual for my ex....

 

Some of the other things.....

 

She was a manic driver....Like a 17 yeaer old boy....tickets. accidents...and she is 40 plus years old..

 

If you went to a restaurant and it took a little too long to be served she wouldnt just get angry, shed cause a scene..And she didnt even have the sense to notice that it was Saturday night and the place was mobbed..Just enjoy the evening and relax??...nope..

 

She treated her kid like an "object"....This was the most saddening part of all..She never even referred to her by her name, only by some "pet" name that she gave her..I now believe this was a way for her to dehumanize that poor kid so she could relieve her conscience...Horrible...

 

Thanks again for your insight..And, yes, she was into "devant" forms of sex..

 

TFY

[dreamingoftigers]

This reads like an owners manual for my ex....

 

Some of the other things.....

 

She was a manic driver....Like a 17 yeaer old boy....tickets. accidents...and she is 40 plus years old..

 

If you went to a restaurant and it took a little too long to be served she wouldnt just get angry, shed cause a scene..And she didnt even have the sense to notice that it was Saturday night and the place was mobbed..Just enjoy the evening and relax??...nope..

 

She treated her kid like an "object"....This was the most saddening part of all..She never even referred to her by her name, only by some "pet" name that she gave her..I now believe this was a way for her to dehumanize that poor kid so she could relieve her conscience...Horrible...

Thanks again for your insight..And, yes, she was into "devant" forms of sex..

 

TFY

 

God, thank God I had a little more empathy due to my own circumstance.

 

I was always really sensitive to kids. In fact little kids would love me because I would play with them on playgrounds and such. I felt like I missed a childhood so it was no biggie to my pride etc. to be at an area with a park and just have a little fun. In fact, my ex and I used to hit up parks and just play. It was cute at the time.

 

I have seen the BPD treatment of children. Again spectral. I had a neighbour whom I strongly suspect of BPD, again, she wants the validation from her kids. Instead of building her children up.

 

She wants them to like her and practically take care of her. In fact, she wanted her five year old to get her up in the morning, when she'd typically be hung over. And she'd freak on the kid if they were late for her school if she wasn't gotten up on time.

 

How do I know, she lived here for a bit. Nothing bothered me more than listening to her scream scream scream at those kids at bedtime.

 

The daughter has already learned to manipulate and use. At FIVE. She even tried to get my daughter to do what she wanted in some damned ignorant and manipulative things.

 

Although the last time I saw the whole gang, the daughter wanted to play inside with my daughter who was having fun in the sandbox with me. T was adamant about not wanting to go in. And I agreed, it was the first warm-enough day last year to play in the sandbox and A was more than free to go inside anytime she wanted. But she kept pushing the issue to where I said that I was just going to ignore it.

 

Then she pretended to be playing "secrets" with my daughter. Who was 2 at the time. T (my daughter) got this really confused and sad look on her face so I asked her. And she said "A says that I need to ask to go and play inside or I am going for a time out. And not to tell you I'm going to go for a time out."

 

:mad::mad:

 

I just told A that again, if she wanted to go inside she could, but trying to get T to do what she didn't want to was not okay. We take turns all of the time and this was T's turn with her Mom and that A's mom and brother were inside to play with if she wanted to be there.

 

Although it cracked me up that my daughter just outed her right there, I know the kids will be kids as well. I used to work in daycare in fact. But this level of manipulation was overboard. It just went on and on and on. And it was everyday with this little girl. And she had 110% picked it up from her mother. Who only cared about the next bottle or the next guy. She even let the one guy show the little girl porn on his phone.

 

But child services came and cleared them again. They moved out after that. She even lost the little boy one time and the police helicopter went looking for him. He was 3. Again, child services let them go. Honestly, because she is just that manipulative. She knows her game. Her own mother played the CPS game the whole time her and her brother grew up.

 

BPD children can often be the fodder for whatever goals their parents might have. They also catch the brunt of the blame whenever things go wrong.

[Mack05]

I fell in love with a mirage... a fake person...

 

by the time I was seeing the behaviour of any type of issues.. I was hooked in. Addicted.. it's easy to say "oh you should've just left" .. It's not ALWAYS that easy! you get to care about these people and love them.

 

But at the end of the day she betrayed me many times and all I can do is go NC and heal myself.

 

I've there mate. Twice! I know exactly how hard it is to detangle from a toxic relationship. My ex before last was a very clever girl. She knew what I wanted from a girl and pretended to someone she wasn't. We had a mutual friend and she gauged me very well from the info our mutual friend gave her. 'Fake' person is harsh cause she has many great qualities but I see your point. Our relationship would never have gone past date two if we were both honest with each other.

 

If you are being honest with yourself you need to figure out is what is behind getting addicted to someone like this? I can tell you what it was for me. Low self esteem and a longing so bad to find a great girl, that you are willing to ignore what is staring you straight in the face. The image of them in your mind, is very different from the reality and this is where you (and I) must learn in the future. That is the point I am trying to make.

 

You need to figure out what is happening with you under the surface. Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it. Great quote. For me I try to focus on my actions. On occasions I really let myself down in both relationships. Its easy to say "it won't happen again" but that is called being in denial. You have figured out that obsessing about her is not going to help. Stopping yourself from obsessing is a whole other ball game..I mean who likes turning the focus inwards onto themselves? I certainly don't enjoy it..I notice I am implusive when I do it. I want a beer, a pizza, 20 doughnuts anything not to have to sit with those uncomfortable feelings of looking into one's soul.

 

If I can't find a bad vice, sure i will just focus on my f*&king mad ex and all her deficiencies as a person. All that does is add to the huge mess you need to clean up with yourself. Picture your house in a complete and utter mess. You know you need to tidy it bigtime, but isn't it easier to look over the neighbours back yard and slag them off?

 

It's hard looking inwards. Especially when there is a lot of stuff in there you are not proud of. I know this sounds crazy but I once thought helping my ex would make me feel better about myself. Ahh the codependent mind.....Of course it won't. Whatever problems I have in my life will still be there after that temporary feel good factor has gone. There is a book called how to break your addiction to a person by howard halpern. I think that will help you.

Edited June 6, 2013 by Mack05

[dreamingoftigers]

Of course it won't. Whatever problems I have in my life will still be there after that temporary feel good factor has gone. There is a book called how to break your addiction to a person by howard halpern. I think that will help you.

 

I read that one too, good stuff

[thefooloftheyear]

God, thank God I had a little more empathy due to my own circumstance.

 

I was always really sensitive to kids. In fact little kids would love me because I would play with them on playgrounds and such. I felt like I missed a childhood so it was no biggie to my pride etc. to be at an area with a park and just have a little fun. In fact, my ex and I used to hit up parks and just play. It was cute at the time.

 

I have seen the BPD treatment of children. Again spectral. I had a neighbour whom I strongly suspect of BPD, again, she wants the validation from her kids. Instead of building her children up.

 

She wants them to like her and practically take care of her. In fact, she wanted her five year old to get her up in the morning, when she'd typically be hung over. And she'd freak on the kid if they were late for her school if she wasn't gotten up on time.

 

How do I know, she lived here for a bit. Nothing bothered me more than listening to her scream scream scream at those kids at bedtime.

 

The daughter has already learned to manipulate and use. At FIVE. She even tried to get my daughter to do what she wanted in some damned ignorant and manipulative things.

 

Although the last time I saw the whole gang, the daughter wanted to play inside with my daughter who was having fun in the sandbox with me. T was adamant about not wanting to go in. And I agreed, it was the first warm-enough day last year to play in the sandbox and A was more than free to go inside anytime she wanted. But she kept pushing the issue to where I said that I was just going to ignore it.

 

Then she pretended to be playing "secrets" with my daughter. Who was 2 at the time. T (my daughter) got this really confused and sad look on her face so I asked her. And she said "A says that I need to ask to go and play inside or I am going for a time out. And not to tell you I'm going to go for a time out."

 

:mad::mad:

 

I just told A that again, if she wanted to go inside she could, but trying to get T to do what she didn't want to was not okay. We take turns all of the time and this was T's turn with her Mom and that A's mom and brother were inside to play with if she wanted to be there.

 

Although it cracked me up that my daughter just outed her right there, I know the kids will be kids as well. I used to work in daycare in fact. But this level of manipulation was overboard. It just went on and on and on. And it was everyday with this little girl. And she had 110% picked it up from her mother. Who only cared about the next bottle or the next guy. She even let the one guy show the little girl porn on his phone.

 

But child services came and cleared them again. They moved out after that. She even lost the little boy one time and the police helicopter went looking for him. He was 3. Again, child services let them go. Honestly, because she is just that manipulative. She knows her game. Her own mother played the CPS game the whole time her and her brother grew up.

 

BPD children can often be the fodder for whatever goals their parents might have. They also catch the brunt of the blame whenever things go wrong.

 

Looking back on it...It was very bizarre...

 

What type of mother says over and over that she wished she would have gotten an abortion?? Or that she wishes her kid would be "classified" so that she can be institutionalized by the state? She would also lash out at her any time she showed any interest or affection for me, like somehow she felt that she needed to fight with her own daughter over me. She had her kid on very heavy psychotic meds...She has had a few CPS visits..I pray for that child every day..

 

TFY