Omg... I went out with a bpd

[jabbzy64]

Parking tickets ey... thats a reason I lent her the car... she couldnt register it again cause of 4 thousand dollarz in unpaid parking fines....

her car got clamped... her solution? popping morphine and sucking some d#ck:sick:

 

I will def read that book

[dreamingoftigers]

Looking back on it...It was very bizarre...

 

What type of mother says over and over that she wished she would have gotten an abortion?? Or that she wishes her kid would be "classified" so that she can be institutionalized by the state? She would also lash out at her any time she showed any interest or affection for me, like somehow she felt that she needed to fight with her own daughter over me. She had her kid on very heavy psychotic meds...She has had a few CPS visits..I pray for that child every day..

 

TFY

 

MOTHERFU*KER

 

That makes me so mad! (not like go break a car window and yell at my husband mad or anything. We save that for Saturday nights.)

 

I just HATE stuff like that. My husband's mother (he was raised by his maternal grandmother) would say stuff like that about his biological mother. That she should've not had him etc.

 

My own father wanted to have power of attorney over me after I turned 18 but before any of the BPD became much of an issue. He wanted me institutionalized as well. I think that may have been a factor in my husband pushing for marriage actually. My father has some very very dark control issues. I actually left home before finishing high school because he tried to kill me by strangulation. (See, BPD often has a source.....)

 

My father as well would "compete" with my for my mother's attention and validation. It was really sick. What's sicker is that she played into it. She treated him like a son. When my brother was born, she would get 3 kids things wherever we were, one for my Dad.

 

My Dad constantly told my mother really messed up and actually untrue things about me so that he could keep her focus/play victim/ not be threatened by any relationship with me. So sickeningly messed up. After I left home, he did different measures to stop me from seeing my siblings and my Mom. Like if I called, he wouldn't tell her that I called, one time he blocked my number. Tell me that my mother didn't want to speak to me anymore and she would tell me that that wasn't the case that it was "I who didn't want to speak to her and that's what your Dad told me.":rolleyes: Later on, after he went to the Brain Clinic (last couple of years) he told my mother that he thought I was going to convince her to divorce him. So he was protecting "the family."

 

They even did a couple "family vacations" without me. I was the only non-disabled child in my family so I made a great target.

 

As well my father would hire a bunch of young female staff to work in the home and shower them with gifts, attention, invite them over for supper, make a big deal out of them, loan them vehicles, even get involved with their kids! And of course I was too young to see what the deal was and why he was up to that. So I just thought he wanted other people to be his family and his kids but not me.

 

Of course much later on I actually caught him in an affair. And yes, I called the hotel room he was at not believing this woman who was adamantly contacting me, not my mother about it. And sure enough he picked up.

 

(Jeepers. A couple of threads on here this week are really bringing up the old garbage heap! At least I'm going to have some good target points for when I go back to EMDR therapy. )

 

Ugh. I would Neeeevvvveeerrrr treat my child like that. However, I am scared to bond with my child often.

 

My husband's infidelity compounded that. I often feel like I have nothing to offer her. But I still put in the effort everyday. I think it's really wonderful that she can look in the mirror and smile. She says things like "I'm so pretty Mommy. I like my blondie hair. You're pretty Mommy. Can we cuddle?"

 

Sometimes it actually makes me cry tears of joy that she doesn't have that same depth of emotional pain. I'm also really glad that I picked a man to marry who loves her so much and pays so much attention to her. And that we don't physically "discipline" her.

 

I don't think that I have to worry about her telling her friends when she is seven that "I'm really bad and I don't want to be in the world." Or that she'll wish that she could just be a blob floating around that didn't have to feel anything. (I used to wish that when I was little). I think that she's going to be okay.

 

I no longer qualify as BPD but I still have residual self-worth issues from my childhood. Even though I am turning 31 next week. I have been actively working on myself since I turned 17. Because I KNEW that I must've had some kind of issues. But I didn't know what. I didn't even realize that my father was an alcoholic. I was always told that he was the "only one of nine siblings" that wasn't. I found out when I was twenty by reading a compatibility book and it listed characteristics of alcoholics to avoid getting in relationships with them. My Dad hit all but one of the traits: he hadn't gotten a DUI.

 

Often when my husband and daughter are interacting, I withdraw, like I am "not supposed to be there." I think my daughter has picked up on it. It's uncomfortable. It's even harder because I have been trying to work these things out for so long and it seems that there's always more garbage to be found.

 

I mean, I know intellectually that I have value, but some things are set so deep it's difficult trying to locate them and dig them out.

 

I absolutely HATE what that "mother" is doing to that child. HATE it. Because I know exactly what it does.

 

Since EMDR treatment I have been through Hell in my marriage, which was brutal enough (you can check out my previous threads if need be) And no that Hell wasn't manufactured by me, my husband has his own issues. Anyhow.....the marital pit was nothing compared to living with a completely unregulated brain. A brain where you associate pain with love and feeling like you are not worth the skin that you are made of. It's more than just not liking yourself, it is physiologically painful. It comes with physical symptoms of self-loathing. This is why many BPD people numb out with impulsive behaviour and addictions. It gets intolerable. And any form of criticism cuts very very deep. It feels like someone special died. That's how out of balance everything is.

 

It is painstaking work to bring things back into focus as well. I've read so much about neural function, development, BPD in and of itself, it's variants, Autism and Schizophrenia (family issues), NPD and self-esteem, various therapies, relationship dynamics, boundaries and addictions/treatment. Ugh. It's been practically a full-time job but fortunately for four years of it, I had access to the U of C library. And the online journals available to students. I am really hoping that one day I might be able to help folks with unbalanced brains more on the neural level, as well as plain-out brain damaged folks like my brother. I can't do the emotional side. (Usually every couple of months someone says, "you should be a counselor." No, I should not be. I still have self-esteem issues and I can't handle taking on too many people's negative feelings anymore.

 

I am sorry to have dumped so heavily into this thread. This HAS been probably the most accepted BPD thread I have EVER seen on here. People actually wanting to talk about their experience and hurts without making too much of a bitter/angry/false information witch-hunt. Often the BPD threads are more like "witch-hunts." As opposed to asking questions or sharing about BPD.

 

I mean in the last one there were links posted up about treatment success rates and at least two posters kept being adamant about "it isn't treatable and no, no one every grows out of it." (At last count 20-30% do! Their symptoms lessen with age and then they fall into normal markers!) BPD has been treatable with varying success for over a decade. Not every single BPD will respond the same way, but it's a decent percent that do.

 

I just really, really hate when little kids get exposed to so much garbage. Especially from a parent who clearly has issues. I have trouble with that. I know how that imbalance works (I had it, duh). It also makes me wonder what my poor kid would have been like had I not realized young that "something was really wrong."

 

I'm so glad that you guys have been open to my responses even though they've been long-winded.

[dreamingoftigers]

Parking tickets ey... thats a reason I lent her the car... she couldnt register it again cause of 4 thousand dollarz in unpaid parking fines....

her car got clamped... her solution? popping morphine and sucking some d#ck:sick:

I will def read that book

 

Well, if it was to pay down the 4K in fines, it might've been a plan.

 

I'm totally kidding.

 

I hope it's worthwhile to you.

 

You seem like a nice guy who really got the short end of the rope on this one.

 

In the last thread I actually tried to offer an apology on behalf of the other BPD people who can't see the pain that their actions are causing. It wasn't very well received. But I'd like to do that again.

 

I am sorry for what you guys have witnessed and observed. It is painful and the time spent recovering a loss in certain ways. I hope you all are able to move onto functional, healthy and appreciative partners.

[thefooloftheyear]

MOTHERFU*KER

 

That makes me so mad! (not like go break a car window and yell at my husband mad or anything. We save that for Saturday nights.)

 

I just HATE stuff like that. My husband's mother (he was raised by his maternal grandmother) would say stuff like that about his biological mother. That she should've not had him etc.

 

My own father wanted to have power of attorney over me after I turned 18 but before any of the BPD became much of an issue. He wanted me institutionalized as well. I think that may have been a factor in my husband pushing for marriage actually. My father has some very very dark control issues. I actually left home before finishing high school because he tried to kill me by strangulation. (See, BPD often has a source.....)

 

My father as well would "compete" with my for my mother's attention and validation. It was really sick. What's sicker is that she played into it. She treated him like a son. When my brother was born, she would get 3 kids things wherever we were, one for my Dad.

 

My Dad constantly told my mother really messed up and actually untrue things about me so that he could keep her focus/play victim/ not be threatened by any relationship with me. So sickeningly messed up. After I left home, he did different measures to stop me from seeing my siblings and my Mom. Like if I called, he wouldn't tell her that I called, one time he blocked my number. Tell me that my mother didn't want to speak to me anymore and she would tell me that that wasn't the case that it was "I who didn't want to speak to her and that's what your Dad told me.":rolleyes: Later on, after he went to the Brain Clinic (last couple of years) he told my mother that he thought I was going to convince her to divorce him. So he was protecting "the family."

 

They even did a couple "family vacations" without me. I was the only non-disabled child in my family so I made a great target.

 

As well my father would hire a bunch of young female staff to work in the home and shower them with gifts, attention, invite them over for supper, make a big deal out of them, loan them vehicles, even get involved with their kids! And of course I was too young to see what the deal was and why he was up to that. So I just thought he wanted other people to be his family and his kids but not me.

 

Of course much later on I actually caught him in an affair. And yes, I called the hotel room he was at not believing this woman who was adamantly contacting me, not my mother about it. And sure enough he picked up.

 

(Jeepers. A couple of threads on here this week are really bringing up the old garbage heap! At least I'm going to have some good target points for when I go back to EMDR therapy. )

 

Ugh. I would Neeeevvvveeerrrr treat my child like that. However, I am scared to bond with my child often.

 

My husband's infidelity compounded that. I often feel like I have nothing to offer her. But I still put in the effort everyday. I think it's really wonderful that she can look in the mirror and smile. She says things like "I'm so pretty Mommy. I like my blondie hair. You're pretty Mommy. Can we cuddle?"

 

Sometimes it actually makes me cry tears of joy that she doesn't have that same depth of emotional pain. I'm also really glad that I picked a man to marry who loves her so much and pays so much attention to her. And that we don't physically "discipline" her.

 

I don't think that I have to worry about her telling her friends when she is seven that "I'm really bad and I don't want to be in the world." Or that she'll wish that she could just be a blob floating around that didn't have to feel anything. (I used to wish that when I was little). I think that she's going to be okay.

 

I no longer qualify as BPD but I still have residual self-worth issues from my childhood. Even though I am turning 31 next week. I have been actively working on myself since I turned 17. Because I KNEW that I must've had some kind of issues. But I didn't know what. I didn't even realize that my father was an alcoholic. I was always told that he was the "only one of nine siblings" that wasn't. I found out when I was twenty by reading a compatibility book and it listed characteristics of alcoholics to avoid getting in relationships with them. My Dad hit all but one of the traits: he hadn't gotten a DUI.

 

Often when my husband and daughter are interacting, I withdraw, like I am "not supposed to be there." I think my daughter has picked up on it. It's uncomfortable. It's even harder because I have been trying to work these things out for so long and it seems that there's always more garbage to be found.

 

I mean, I know intellectually that I have value, but some things are set so deep it's difficult trying to locate them and dig them out.

 

I absolutely HATE what that "mother" is doing to that child. HATE it. Because I know exactly what it does.

 

Since EMDR treatment I have been through Hell in my marriage, which was brutal enough (you can check out my previous threads if need be) And no that Hell wasn't manufactured by me, my husband has his own issues. Anyhow.....the marital pit was nothing compared to living with a completely unregulated brain. A brain where you associate pain with love and feeling like you are not worth the skin that you are made of. It's more than just not liking yourself, it is physiologically painful. It comes with physical symptoms of self-loathing. This is why many BPD people numb out with impulsive behaviour and addictions. It gets intolerable. And any form of criticism cuts very very deep. It feels like someone special died. That's how out of balance everything is.

 

It is painstaking work to bring things back into focus as well. I've read so much about neural function, development, BPD in and of itself, it's variants, Autism and Schizophrenia (family issues), NPD and self-esteem, various therapies, relationship dynamics, boundaries and addictions/treatment. Ugh. It's been practically a full-time job but fortunately for four years of it, I had access to the U of C library. And the online journals available to students. I am really hoping that one day I might be able to help folks with unbalanced brains more on the neural level, as well as plain-out brain damaged folks like my brother. I can't do the emotional side. (Usually every couple of months someone says, "you should be a counselor." No, I should not be. I still have self-esteem issues and I can't handle taking on too many people's negative feelings anymore.

 

I am sorry to have dumped so heavily into this thread. This HAS been probably the most accepted BPD thread I have EVER seen on here. People actually wanting to talk about their experience and hurts without making too much of a bitter/angry/false information witch-hunt. Often the BPD threads are more like "witch-hunts." As opposed to asking questions or sharing about BPD.

 

I mean in the last one there were links posted up about treatment success rates and at least two posters kept being adamant about "it isn't treatable and no, no one every grows out of it." (At last count 20-30% do! Their symptoms lessen with age and then they fall into normal markers!) BPD has been treatable with varying success for over a decade. Not every single BPD will respond the same way, but it's a decent percent that do.

 

I just really, really hate when little kids get exposed to so much garbage. Especially from a parent who clearly has issues. I have trouble with that. I know how that imbalance works (I had it, duh). It also makes me wonder what my poor kid would have been like had I not realized young that "something was really wrong."

 

I'm so glad that you guys have been open to my responses even though they've been long-winded.

 

 

Whats even more sad is that this little girl has devlopmental issues. Im no expert, but I do wonder how much of it is simply because her mother isnt all there..She(kid) is smart enough..The mother will abuse the kid all week, then take her to a toy store and let her get a toy, just to relieve her guilt.. It was horrible..I dont want to reveal too much of what went on..but it was sad and unfortunate.

 

I thank you again for your insight...

 

 

TFY

[Mack05]

. I hope you all are able to move onto functional, healthy and appreciative partners.

 

Please jabbz listen to the advice. I spent so much wasted time trying to make my ex see sense. I didn't want her back. I just wanted to open her eyes to her predicament and why things work out for her the way they do. I wanted to make a positive difference in her life. I believe in fate and I believe thats what my role in her life was meant to be. I tried everything. Nice love, tough love. All it did was make her hate me more. There is NOTHING you can do. You just come across as 'pathetic' in their eyes. Not only that you come across as emotionally all over the shop. Think of it as having a mirror and trying to force your ex to really look at herself. A BPDer can't do this.

 

My last conversation with my ex, I had undeniable proof that she was a complusive liar. I gave her enough rope to hang herself and the proved to her that everything she was telling me was all lies. Of course there were excuses, projection/gaslighting the usual BPD defence mechanisms. In my frustration I said to her you either admit that you have been lying through your teeth (about numerous topics) or I will make your life difficult.

 

I have no idea why I said that or what I even meant?!! I thought if she could admit to lying that maybe she could be open to the possibility that I was right about her. Dumb move. She went to the police and said that there was a threat made on her life (by me). It finally dawned on me that a) she is a complete fruitloop and b) I was as bad..I quickly detached

 

Mate they are headed toward what they are headed toward and it will always be someone else's fault. They are permanently broken and in complete ignorance and denial to this fact. If you (and I) don't make serious adjustments we will end up on similiar paths..Its easy saying you are going to change. Implementing genuine change is altogether harder..I wish you well

Edited June 6, 2013 by Mack05

[dreamingoftigers]

Mate they are headed toward what they are headed toward and it will always be someone else's fault. They are permanently broken in a way that you can't fix from the outside. It has to start within her when she realizes that she's part of the problem and decides to take action to change it. Not one moment before. And BPD people are more likely to take action when people go rather then when people stay. When no one else is around to blame and there are still problems, things start to look a little clearer.Until then she will remain in complete ignorance and denial to this fact. If you (and I) don't make serious adjustments we will end up on similiar paths..Its easy saying you are going to change. Implementing genuine change is altogether harder..I wish you well

 

^^^Fixed that you you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Whats even more sad is that this little girl has devlopmental issues. Im no expert, but I do wonder how much of it is simply because her mother isnt all there..She(kid) is smart enough..The mother will abuse the kid all week, then take her to a toy store and let her get a toy, just to relieve her guilt.. It was horrible..I dont want to reveal too much of what went on..but it was sad and unfortunate.

 

I thank you again for your insight...

 

TFY

 

I believe my brother's "rage problem" and sister's "behavioural issues" to be a direct learned behaviour form my parents and their toxicity.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/parenting/395996-you-proud-me-yet-mama-3.html#post4920944

[jabbzy64]

BPD or not.. theres a way to breakup. its called talking.. not just blocking and acting like the other person is dead. You know how low that makes a person feel? I do not wish that on anybody!

[dreamingoftigers]

BPD or not.. theres a way to breakup. its called talking.. not just blocking and acting like the other person is dead. You know how low that makes a person feel? I do not wish that on anybody!

 

110% agreed.

 

I feel for ya man.

 

You'll look back and be glad, but not for a little bit.

[Mack05]

BPD or not.. theres a way to breakup. its called talking.. not just blocking and acting like the other person is dead. You know how low that makes a person feel? I do not wish that on anybody!

 

Jabbz I dont agree with your last point. There is no future with this girl, so there is nothing to talk about. Ok we would all like nice cordial breakups, but for various reasons that is not always possible. I think many of us can relate to gotye's song 'somebody that i used to know'..Unless my ex shot a family member, I could never do the cold and cruel thing and I am happy about that.

 

I've had exs be sweet after a breakup and had exs be cold and cruel and get blocked from everything. Sure cold and cruel is REALLY harder in the short term, but long term getting blocked is the best thing ever. After awhile u cut down on checking and then without even noticing, one day you just stop. The cold and cruel ex's did me the most enormous favour. It wasn't their intention to (they wanted to hurt) but they did.

 

You have no idea what is going on in their lives. Give me that anyday (immediate post breakup) over seeing pictures of an ex on Facebook with a new person who looks like they could be in GQ magazine! Not knowing is so much better. Eventually you reach a stage where u dont even know or care if u are blocked or not. You just hope they are happy because this person at one stage brought joy to your life. In time when feelings go, so does the anger and the bullsht.

 

In the meantime try work towards forgiveness and letting this go. Work towards getting ur own closure. Trust me when I tell you that u dont need her to get closure. Being blocked is a great thing. In time u will see that. You shouldnt need validation from an ex (especially an ex like this) to feel good about yourself. I think this is the problem here..

Edited June 7, 2013 by Mack05

[Coping Vortex]

It's your job to fix you. Emotionally healthy people don't dance with emotionally unhealthy people. Which means there are issues on your end as well. You REALLY need to address those. I think people who dated a BPDer can relate to your story. I know many sceptics will say we are not professionals, but when you dated a BDPer you just know it. The stories are always so similar. You just find yourself nodding along to them.

 

Take it from a guy who tried in vain to open his ex's mind. It is an enormous waste of your time. Not only that when a BPDer is being 'exposed' or threatened they bite back hard. Some people are broke and you can't fix them. You need to accept that fact, let this go and focus on yourself. What will happen to her, will happen to her. She is no longer your concern. You need to ensure your own happiness.

 

If your focus is all on her you will attract another unhealthy partner in the future and the cycle begins again. I speak from experience mate..You will NEVER understand her behaviours so quit trying.

 

When I was struggling with dating a BPD'er a psychologist gave me some great advice that freed me from her. She said "You can't make her problems your problems"

 

That one piece of advice freed me from the craziness and let me get away from her for good.

 

BPD'ers can't be fixed by non professional people. Its a struggle they need professional help with.

[jabbzy64]

Thanks for all the advice that everybody has given.

 

I never know this type of disorder existed until I was with her...

Ever seen Fatal Attractiion? lol....

 

Workmates are now starting to notice that I am losing weight from the stress and depression. That has been a big eye opener.. why should I become a shadow of my former self because of a selfish human being??

 

Each day gets a bit better... a bit

[thefooloftheyear]

Thanks for all the advice that everybody has given.

 

I never know this type of disorder existed until I was with her...

Ever seen Fatal Attractiion? lol....

 

Workmates are now starting to notice that I am losing weight from the stress and depression. That has been a big eye opener.. why should I become a shadow of my former self because of a selfish human being??

 

Each day gets a bit better... a bit

 

These type of people suck the life out of you....They are emotional vampires..

 

Youre green...Give it some time and I promise you that you will look back at this and be so glad she "let you get away..."...Because quite frankly, if you finally got tired of it and tried to end it before she did, thats when the restraining orders and that type of stuff comes into play...She left..Its all on her now..

 

Breathe a huge sigh of relief..

 

TFY

[jabbzy64]

Is it normal to feel like I cant trust another woman...

guess its still too fresh.

im feeling better than last week... but the memories are constantly cycling in my mind.

[writergal]

Is it normal to feel like I cant trust another woman...

guess its still too fresh.

im feeling better than last week... but the memories are constantly cycling in my mind.

 

I skimmed through a lot of this long thread about BPD (I dated a guy with it, so I empathize with what you were put through by your ex because I know how you must have felt).

 

It's completely normal to feel like you can't trust another woman after what you've just experienced for the past 8 months with your ex. Be more patient with yourself, more kind because let's face it, you've been through hell and back in this relationship, so of course you're going to have trust issues. Just be careful that you don't project those trust issues into the next relationship you have, which is an easy trap to fall into when you start dating again.

 

I understand the flood of memories you're reliving. It's par for the course of a breakup. Everybody does it. It's the natural thing to do, to want to relive the good, re-examine the bad, and question why it ended the way it did.

 

Just give yourself time to recover from this and use it as gained knowledge that will help you choose healthier women to date in the future. I think every romantic relationship we have until we meet "the one," has value because it helps us really narrow down what we want and need in a partner.

 

Hang in there. Give yourself time to heal. Time heals all wounds.

[jabbzy64]

had a dream last night...

 

dreamt I bumped into her and made her gimme closure... she just kept disappearing.

I hate these dreams... but I know they are part of the process.