Keeping the secret?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

So I am guessing they know you? Consider this. My first dday my xomm's wife found out. She didn't want anyone to know either - not my husband, no one - and it was out of concern for the families, the church, etc. so the three of us had this secret for another four months and then the affair started back up again. When my husband did find out he was ticked that she did not tell him the first time. I believe in some way they (xomm and bs) cared about my kids to some degree, but in the end it was really more about embarrassment than that.

 

It is that way with my husband - he finally had to tell our daughters because they knew something was wrong and kept asking. But he has not told our son yet and I keep telling him he needs to for a variety of reasons. I am more concerned now that after death the siblings will be talking and it will come up and he will be pissed, not believe it and it will cause friction among them and my husband won't be around to confirm it and he will never believe it because it idolizes his dad. Kids are resilient. Will they be disappointed? Yes. But it's much better to come clean and tell them than for them to find out some other way.

 

Your friends? Well, you never know. You do truly find out who your friends are in these circumstances. I was amazed when it all played our who stood beside me (or us in this instance - the family) and who didn't. Those I thought would support did not and I was surprised by those who did. You will find out who your true friends are - that is for certain, and you know what? I bet you would find about half of them have experienced the same thing.

 

I think the reason they don't want your husband to know is more out of fear of what he might do and it's also out of embarrassment. I'm sorry, but in these situations many times people (even the bs) act out of selfishness.

 

There is a lot to consider, but whether the bs and your xom want you to tell your husband or not should not even be in the equation - it doesn't matter what they want.

 

Ps - Although I don't believe troubadour is correct about everything, one thing is for certain, people already do suspect and are already taking - they love this sort of gossip. Also, if there is even ONE person that knows, someone else does too. People cannot keep secrets. People talk because they have mouths. If you want to keep something a secret, you can't tell anyone - even your best friend - I'm sorry, it is just how we are as human beings. Even your best friend will tell her husband.

 

Rip the bandaid off. Let the healing begin. It's in your power.

 

I think about it each and every day. I am not afraid of coming clean to my husband and/or all of my friends. I know without a doubt my husband would be devastated but I believe he would forgive and we could work through it. Friends? well I would hope they wouldn't judge too harshly, but you never know.

 

My main concern is my kids. There is no way I would want to lose them. They are my world. I know I have been criticized about my fitness as a parent by merely having an affair. However, my children are well adjusted and really fine citizens of the world. Of course I am concerned about how they would view me.

 

I'm actually surprised that xMM BS didn't immediately tell my H. She was the one who emailed me and asked not to tell anyone. She said they both love my kids and wouldn't want to hurt them in any way.

 

Messed up all the way around, I know. I'm not sure how they thought I could just carry on as normal. Makes no sense.

Edited June 4, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[Goodbye]

I think about it each and every day. I am not afraid of coming clean to my husband and/or all of my friends. I know without a doubt my husband would be devastated but I believe he would forgive and we could work through it. Friends? well I would hope they wouldn't judge too harshly, but you never know.

 

My main concern is my kids. There is no way I would want to lose them. They are my world. I know I have been criticized about my fitness as a parent by merely having an affair. However, my children are well adjusted and really fine citizens of the world. Of course I am concerned about how they would view me.

 

I'm actually surprised that xMM BS didn't immediately tell my H. She was the one who emailed me and asked not to tell anyone. She said they both love my kids and wouldn't want to hurt them in any way.

 

Messed up all the way around, I know. I'm not sure how they thought I could just carry on as normal. Makes no sense.

 

 

Courts don't take kids away for infidelity, fyi. This is just an excuse.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Courts don't take kids away for infidelity, fyi. This is just an excuse.

 

I agree with this - even though there is one site that will advocate keeping the kids from a ws, there is no way that can be done legally unless there is complete and total neglect. I haven't seen any situation where the kids have been kept from a spouse who committed adultery and I have seen a lot of them.

[SoleMate]

Can't you just say something simple like, "I don't know, haven't talked to him recently" or "Haven't seen him around"? After all, you don't really KNOW why he's not there. You may have a good guess, but you don't know positively and you also don't know what else he is doing instead. In fact, if you are in NC, you no longer have any knowledge of his actions, plans or thoughts.

 

For the people I talk to, this would be more than enough of an explanation unless the person in question is some kind of iconic figure around whom everyone else is accustomed to revolve.

 

Also, if you didn't feel the need to tell your friends about the affair when it was ongoing, it seems there is even less need now.

[findingnemo]

I think about it each and every day. I am not afraid of coming clean to my husband and/or all of my friends. I know without a doubt my husband would be devastated but I believe he would forgive and we could work through it. Friends? well I would hope they wouldn't judge too harshly, but you never know.

 

My main concern is my kids. There is no way I would want to lose them. They are my world. I know I have been criticized about my fitness as a parent by merely having an affair. However, my children are well adjusted and really fine citizens of the world. Of course I am concerned about how they would view me.

 

I'm actually surprised that xMM BS didn't immediately tell my H. She was the one who emailed me and asked not to tell anyone. She said they both love my kids and wouldn't want to hurt them in any way.

 

Messed up all the way around, I know. I'm not sure how they thought I could just carry on as normal. Makes no sense.

 

Very messed up, bella. Your statements in bold are interesting...

 

First of all, I am worried that you are underestimating your H's reaction to discovering the truth. You may have specific reasons you think he will forgive you but don't be so sure. When I read stories on the Infidelity forum, it seems to me that WS' often believe that they will be forgiven eventually and get very shocked when the BS tells them it's all over. Stories abound of WS' crying and begging...trying to do everything to get the BS to reconsider getting a D.

 

It seldom works for the best. Even when there is a R, life can be extremely stressful. On another site many WS' describe humiliating incidents and while I do not know what the statistics of Rs are, it doesn't look very good. For some attempting an R doesn't change things. It is simply postponing the inevitable D. I hope you are not trusting that the home, family life and kids will outweigh the need your H has for a faithful W. Just give it some more thought...

 

I wonder what OM and his BW have to gain by keeping this secret. The only thing I can think of is if there is a business arrangement that would be in jeopardy or something along those lines. Please tell us there isn't one. It would become tragic for your H to consort with OM unaware of the A. And worse still, OM could and would use that secret information against him at the slightest opportunity if it benefits him.

 

One thing I have learned in life is that people tend to do things based on self-interest. I'm not talking about nice, benevolent things. I'm talking about a situation where it is obviously in the BW's interest to expose you and ensure the humiliation leads to a definite end of the A. So why hasn't she done so? What does she have to gain personally from having such a devastating secret in her possession?

[bellasue]

We have no business arrangement of any type with them at all. I have no idea what their motivation to keep the secret is. This is why, even though I understand the need of the BS to initiate full NC, it would be helpful in some cases to have a face to face sit down meeting.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

It's a reputation issue for sure and the uncertainty of how Bella's husband would react. This is what the motivation is. But, for whatever reason, it's not good enough. This is something you do not want hanging over your head, believe me. All it would take is something to snap and the BS suddenly decides she will say something.

 

I am watching my husband every day walk into work wondering if this will be the day his xow shows up and decides to tell. Or that her husband finds out and HE shows up. It's not a fun way to live.

[will1988]

So your word to the OM is more important than the honesty you owe your husband? I really feel for him. the only person who is still getting shafted is your husband and both you and the OM (and also the OM's BW) are still doing it. Good Idea!!

 

This is why I try to avoid reading any of the schidt on this particular part of LS.

 

@ OP

 

The truth will come out at some point. It is best to tell the world on your terms and not someone elses terms. That way you can at least kind of control the timing and the decent. But trust me, when it is the worst possible time and least expected time for you to be outed is when it will most likely happen. It could be at a kid's sporting event or play, it could be at a party with friends etc... and that is when it will happen. Although, I do not condone your actions and for a lengthy time period could not trust women (because my mom cheated on my father and ran off with the guy and was not in my life for years), I believe you need to personally tell your family and tell them soon.

 

Also, when you do run away from your family at least be in your children(s) lives... they will be emotionally scarred enough as it is from the D, not having their mom in the picture will cause them to hate you and cause trust issues in their future relationships. Out of myself and 3 siblings I'm the oldest, it took me 10 years to forgive my mom and build some form of relationship. My siblings have not forgiven my mom, and one of them flat out denies her existance. So be in your kids lives, please!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This is why I try to avoid reading any of the schidt on this particular part of LS.

 

@ OP

 

The truth will come out at some point. It is best to tell the world on your terms and not someone elses terms. That way you can at least kind of control the timing and the decent. But trust me, when it is the worst possible time and least expected time for you to be outed is when it will most likely happen. It could be at a kid's sporting event or play, it could be at a party with friends etc... and that is when it will happen. Although, I do not condone your actions and for a lengthy time period could not trust women (because my mom cheated on my father and ran off with the guy and was not in my life for years), I believe you need to personally tell your family and tell them soon.

 

Also, when you do run away from your family at least be in your children(s) lives... they will be emotionally scarred enough as it is from the D, not having their mom in the picture will cause them to hate you and cause trust issues in their future relationships. Out of myself and 3 siblings I'm the oldest, it took me 10 years to forgive my mom and build some form of relationship. My siblings have not forgiven my mom, and one of them flat out denies her existance. So be in your kids lives, please!

 

I'm sorry for the pain you have had in your life. I have had similar since my parents divorced (and actually should have far sooner than they did) so I do understand. My siblings still believe they didn't have a mom around (she was pretty "absent" even though she was there.

 

But the OP didn't say she was running away from her family and she didn't say she was leaving her husband. She is trying to figure out whether to tell her husband or now and I think most of us are in the camp of "she should tell him.". At no time did she say she was leaving the kids.

[JustJoe]

I'm sorry for the pain you have had in your life. I have had similar since my parents divorced (and actually should have far sooner than they did) so I do understand. My siblings still believe they didn't have a mom around (she was pretty "absent" even though she was there.

 

But the OP didn't say she was running away from her family and she didn't say she was leaving her husband. She is trying to figure out whether to tell her husband or now and I think most of us are in the camp of "she should tell him.". At no time did she say she was leaving the kids.

I think the OP is so foggy that she doesn't really know how she is perceived by her kids. I would almost bet that they already know that something is up. Kids are very perceptive when it comes to the moods and actions of their parents. In my case we knew about my mom's affair way before anyone else did, and as teenagers had already spied out one of their meetings. Like many cheaters the OP thinks she has a handle on things, but will find out soon enough how little control she actually has. Bellasue, you need to tell your husband as soon as possible. If your friends already know or suspect, and your antics are already a subject of gossip, then D-day cannot be far away. It would only take one phone call.

[will1988]

I'm sorry for the pain you have had in your life. I have had similar since my parents divorced (and actually should have far sooner than they did) so I do understand. My siblings still believe they didn't have a mom around (she was pretty "absent" even though she was there.

 

But the OP didn't say she was running away from her family and she didn't say she was leaving her husband. She is trying to figure out whether to tell her husband or now and I think most of us are in the camp of "she should tell him.". At no time did she say she was leaving the kids.

 

True, she did not say that, nor did my mom. My mom even said she would be in our lives... anyway, i'm over it. what I'm saying is this... when the whirlwind of love, regret, anger, hate, fear etc... erupt once the op tells her H, her world will be forever changed. I'm sure my mother did not thuroughly plan on leaving my sibligns and I. However, that is what happened. She moved out of the house, left my father... tried seeing us a few times for the first year. Emotions were pretty raw. Then she just vanished off the face of the earth and moved to the other end of the country with her new man. While this hurt a lot growing up. I've learned to forgive her. We actually have a decent relationship now. I know that may not be OPs plan, as I'm sure it wasn't my mother's plan... but things happen, and she could be pushed in that direction. Although I do not agree with her cheating and ruining two families, but I care more about the future of her children.

[JustJoe]

Bellasue, by putting your AP and his wife before your husband and family, you are showing that you are not truly sorry for your affair and are a good candidate to repeat it or go back to your AP.

In almost every situation, and almost every counselor will tell you that your loyalty to your family should come first, last, and always. Most professionals will tell you that the first step at reconciliation is to end the affair, then disclose, then work on the personal and marital issues that cause it. If you are truly remorseful and genuinely want to make a better life for your family, this is a good place to start.

[will1988]

I think the OP is so foggy that she doesn't really know how she is perceived by her kids. I would almost bet that they already know that something is up. Kids are very perceptive when it comes to the moods and actions of their parents. In my case we knew about my mom's affair way before anyone else did, and as teenagers had already spied out one of their meetings. Like many cheaters the OP thinks she has a handle on things, but will find out soon enough how little control she actually has. Bellasue, you need to tell your husband as soon as possible. If your friends already know or suspect, and your antics are already a subject of gossip, then D-day cannot be far away. It would only take one phone call.

 

Yep. My siblings and I thought it was fishy that my mom was always hanging out with this male friend. She introduced us to him, albeit I was between 10 and 12 when it started and when the split came. My dad / we found out about my mom's cheating by "accident". we had a neighbor who was runing for school board seat. She won. They threw a part. My siblings and I were playing with their kids and friends... my parents were talking with the adults. Some lady who my parents did not know but who worked at a local pastery shop noticed my mom and said something along the lines of "your husband looks completely different"... and an hour later after a big family drama blow out my mom was out the door.

 

So OP you will be outed at some point, whether on purpose or by accident... if you want to have any control in the decent in to the tornado of emotions you need to spare your family the pain of public humiliation and tell your husband in private, and soon.

[JustJoe]

True, she did not say that, nor did my mom. My mom even said she would be in our lives... anyway, i'm over it. what I'm saying is this... when the whirlwind of love, regret, anger, hate, fear etc... erupt once the op tells her H, her world will be forever changed. I'm sure my mother did not thuroughly plan on leaving my sibligns and I. However, that is what happened. She moved out of the house, left my father... tried seeing us a few times for the first year. Emotions were pretty raw. Then she just vanished off the face of the earth and moved to the other end of the country with her new man. While this hurt a lot growing up. I've learned to forgive her. We actually have a decent relationship now. I know that may not be OPs plan, as I'm sure it wasn't my mother's plan... but things happen, and she could be pushed in that direction. Although I do not agree with her cheating and ruining two families, but I care more about the future of her children.

Our Mom left us for a while then tried to "re-make" our family with the OM and his kids. It didn't work and the repercussions are still being felt, years later.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Oh believe me - I know - we, as siblings, knew and heard everything. We knew our mother was most likely having an affair. And my poor brother - my dad took him searching for her one night. We got together and talked about this as siblings a few years ago - what the impact of all of their behavior had on us as children. It was good to finally get it all out amongst us. Our relationships are very good now.

 

And it is true - if it's being gossiped about in any way (and it most likely is) then you are correct in saying D-day isn't far off.

 

I am definitely of a mind that she needs to tell. Bella, are you listening?

 

It won't be easy no matter how it happens, but I don't believe the former AP and his BS should have any bearing on whether she should tell or not. It's none of their business now.

[bellasue]

Yes, I'm listening and paying close attention to the thread. There's so much going on I'll try to address most of it if I can.

 

I would never leave my children for anyone. They are the best thing I have done in my life and no one is worth to me. If they ever thought me hanging out with xAP, they have never noted it. In fact, he used to hang out with THEM. Pick them up from school, take them on hikes, swimming, etc. Like an adopted uncle. One time when we had a fight, I told him he could never see my kids again, and he said that would destroy him. Well, on dday his W told him the same thing. Can't have any communication with any of us. When I asked him about this after he said "kids forget things. They won't miss me." So far they have asked about him once, and he was out of town.

 

It is true I would prefer to confess things on my terms and I have thought about doing so every day. I'm not trying to protect xMM, so much as respecting BS wishes, but you are all correct what I do with my life should not be of any concern to them anymore.

 

What a mess.

[JustJoe]

Just remember, deceit got you into this mess. Only honesty can get you out again. BTW, from what you say, I would almost guarantee that the older of your kids suspects something is amiss. I can say this from experience. If the oldest is over the age of 5, they will certainly know that something is wrong, if they are older than puberty, they will know or suspect what it is. Never short-change your kids and their perceptiveness. Also, NEVER, EVER, put your kids in the middle of your cheating, or ask them to keep your dirty, little secret. You have already damaged their secure family, don't damage their relationship with you or their father. Forget the AP, and BS, do what is best for you family.......period. It is never too late to tell the truth and ask forgiveness. Good Luck!!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I concur. Hang in there - this is not easy. But once it's out (like ripping the bandaid off and starting to get the infection out) it will begin to heal.

 

But your xom?? That makes me so mad that he would say that about your kids. I understand it, but I've also been there where the xom didn't want to hurt my kids either and some of his actions (or inaction) afterwards absolutely killed them. He became the douchebag that he always warned my daughters about, oddly enough.

 

They will forget in time, but he was about saving is own a** (and he needs to focus on his own situation at home), so why should you worry about him or even the BS? You only have control over you - they don't get to say whether you choose to live your life honestly from here on out or not.

 

Good luck! I'm pulling for you!