Newlywed!

[The Wiz]

I was just married on Saturday. It was the most romantic and incredible day of my life!!! I loved every moment! But where is the "but" you ask? We have not made love as a married couple yet and it is killing me inside! I have talked to her about it and she says she is just not in the mood, tired, etc. O.K. What is more romantic than getting married? On our wedding night I rented a Jacuzzi suite and filled the room with her favorite flowers (daisies) and surrounded the tub and bed with candles. I am putting in some effort here... That night she said she was too tired and I was exhausted too so I was fine with it. But it has now been five days... Her bridesmaids and friends have bought her nice lingerie for shower and bachelorette gifts but they are still sitting in thier boxes in our closet. Last night I made a nice salmon dinner and made up a nice bath for her and I didnt press the issue of making love at all and still... The night before we finalized our plans for our honeymoon in two weeks to the Mayan Riviera, I thought that might get her excited. I know I was! What could be going on here? I am about to give up on it! Am I trying to hard? I dont nag her or make her feel guilty when she says no or just doesnt warm up to my advances. I hold her tight or give her a back rub until she falls asleep. Maybe a little background will help... We have been together for 8 years and have lived together for 4. So living together etc is not something new to us. Our relationship has been spotless without a break or infidelity by either party. Over the last four years or so our love life has been slowly fading away and believe me it has been discussed and all I get back is I dont know why I am not interested... I would be lying if I said this doesnt hurt me to no end. Being rejected by the one you love on a regular basis with no explanation of why hurts a lot. So now I am wondering if she still isnt in the mood to make love to her new husband then when is she going to be in the mood? And when I mentioned that our love life has been slowly fading a good example would be so far in 2004 we have made love twice...

[VivianLee]

I hate to "knock someone when they are already down" but seems like you should have had this straightened out BEFORE you got married. Did you think that maybe being married or having a honeymoon might change things?? I could see someone thinking that.

 

That was a crappy honeymoon (for you) and it looks like the days to follow have been pretty unfullfilling too. I hope you have alot of sightseeing interests in Mayan Riviera because if things go as they are, you aren't going to get to do much more .......talk to her about therapy or you are going to be sitting there 18 yrs later (like me) still upset about this very thing!!

[Matilda]

And when I mentioned that our love life has been slowly fading a good example would be so far in 2004 we have made love twice...

 

And you still got married? Oh dear.

 

I would say that maybe it is just the stress from getting married that might be causing the problem, but since you say this has been going on for a while I guess that's not it.

 

Something is not right. I think it's time to have a very frank talk with the new Mrs., and explain to her how devastated you are by her behavior. Demand an explanation, you deserve that. Don't accept "I don't know why I'm not interested." You need to impress upon her how important it is to you. Tell her it's time to start doing something about this problem. This will not get better on it's own.

 

Do some reading at this site:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013_qa.html

There is a lot of good information about how to meet one another's emotional needs in a marriage.

 

I have also heard a lot of good things about a book called the "Sex Starved Marriage".

[The Wiz]

I dont expect things to change after marriage but I at least thought that on our wedding night or the next morning with all of the romance in the air that things would certainly get romantic. I have a very healthy sexual apetite and fortunately have been become a "master of my own domain" so to speak in order to keep myself sane and from straying. But there are somethings that cannot be duplicated or replaced and that is what I am missing the most. I just dont see how she could not be missing it too? I did try to address a lot of this prior to our getting married and basically got no where. She is the most wonderful person I know in the world and she is truely my best friend in life and I married her for these qualities and more. I did give this a lot of thought before marriage but I could never stop loving her because of a lack of sex. I am just trying to figure out why and if anyone has been in these shoes before as well.

[Matilda]

There are lots and lots of posts about wives, and sometimes husbands, not wanting to have sex. Go back through some of the old posts. I think there have been several just recently. It's a very common problem.

[SoleMate]

You can't seriously be contemplating a successful, sexless marriage, can you? If so, get that thought out of your head now.

 

You now, these problems are like a leak in the roof. Fix it when you notice it, and it's no big deal. Let it go unattended for a few years, and you will have a mess of rotted beams and soggy plaster come crashing down on you when you least expect it...after you have been living with that ugly, spreading brown stain over your head for X years. Lack of sex and physical affection leaves you both vulnerable to affairs, and to growing apart. Your marriage is highly unlikely to last if you stay on this path.

 

If I were you, I would consider this a CRISIS. No, you should not have gotten married while this was going on. But you did, so let's move on. PLease buy two copies of The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. You read one, and ask your wife to read one. Depending on how fast you read, set a reasonable completion date, and a time when you can discuss. I would suggest 1-2 weeks - no longer - the plaster's getting way soggy already. Let her know that this is your #1 request for her - everything else can be left aside while she focusses on the book.

 

When you're both educated, then you can discuss. If she refuses to read or discuss, I frankly would be considering annulment. Right now, you have enough warm feelings for her that this would seem insane - right? Well, that just means that the brown patch has not yet gotten very large. But the outcome is inevitable.

 

If she will read and discuss, then GREAT! Use the book's ideas to get back on track. And also check out <URL removed> for more help.

[jmargel]

It could be that your wife is experiencing depression. There is also a 'Post Bridal Depression' that she could be experiencing (" http://www.girl.com.au/post_bridal_depression.htm ")

 

You have to realize though that you are not the cause of her depression. You are not also her therapist either. I would suggest marriage counseling, although it will probably benefit her more personally. My wife is going through the same thing. It's hard because you hate to see them in pain and want to 'fix' it. Continue what you are doing, don't push the issue. Let her come to you and it's good you aren't making her feel guilty about it. She's not doing this to hurt you, she has issues she needs to come to terms with and deal with them in an effective manner.

 

When she does talk to you, ask her if she is depressed. She may not know why, which is fine. She may even point the finger at you or the relationship, but in most cases that's not true. She would just be looking for any reason. That's why a counselor is so important in this. Don't try to make her happy, since she will just feel worse. When she is down on things, let her go by herself and give her time. She'll come to you, when she does, remember to listen. That in itself is a gift. If you say anything to her, tell her that if she needs to talk you'll be there to listen. Make sure you say those words to her, since actions itself might not be enough. Remember, look for a good counselor, I can't stress that enough.

[whichwayisup]

Be open and honest with her but don't make her feel guilty or bad. Does she has some issues from her childhood that need to be resolved? Some therapy might help her out either way. Sounds like it is coming from her not you. You have not done anything wrong, you seem to be a very loving and giving person. I know patience is not easy, but patience, love and understanding will improve this situation.

 

Couples therapy could help as well. Could be some depression, low self esteem...These definately take over and can ruin one's sex life.

[HokeyReligions]

She doesn't know why she feels this way either.

 

I would strongly urge her to see a doctor and find out if she has a physical illness like Fatigue, Depression, or any other medical condition for which a lack of desire is a symptom.

 

She should want to do this for you, but also for herself. This needs to be addressed NOW. I have been in a sexless marriage for over 14 years. By the time my husband got far enough along his counseling to actually want to have a sex life, he became physically disabled. It took both of us YEARS to adjust and find happiness. Most people get a divorce.

 

Have her (or you) talk to the doctor about it so that the doctor knows what to look for and what tests to run, and get into some counseling to help with the emotional damage that has already been done. It sounds like its gone way too far for self-counseling to be of any real help.

[The Wiz]

I confronted her on the whole issue last night, not in a bad demanding way, but a I am here to listen way and here is what she told me. She stated that she had switch pill brands a few years ago after college graduation and since then she has been spotting and she has been too embarassed to tell me about the problem. She said that her physician doesnt know why and they have been trying other pills etc. But nothing has worked. Yet. So between the spotting and the inconsistency of switching between pills, horomone imbalances etc. this has really thrown thing off for her physicaly and emotionaly. I explained to her how she needs to be open with me about these things and that there are plenty of alternatives to intercourse out there that can make both of us happy. Some of our best sexual experiences were had before we made love for the first time... I just dont think she enjoys anything other than intercourse though... I know you may be thinking then you can just wear a condom and she can drop the pill and things would be fine... Well I do wear condoms as an extra precausion the way it is and she doesnt want to drop the pill and refuses to take the shot due to side effects and she hates needles. Sooo... On one hand I am happy to have a reason for her actions and it does make sense as the last couple of times we have made love there was some spotting involved, but I just assumed it was just too close to her time. And on the other hand I want to know how we can work around this because we had a very healthy sex life for many years before this all started. I am still a confused. I want to believe her and want to find a way to work with this or around this so we can have a healthy sex life. Has anyone out there ever experienced this?

[Matilda]

Okay, it makes absolutely no sense for her to take the pill if the 2 of you aren't having intercourse! This is what it sounds like: "I need to take the pill so I we can have sex. I take the pill, it makes me not want to have sex, but I still want to take the pill so we can have sex." I mean really, what is the point of her taking the pill?

 

Why not consider trying another barrier method of birth control along with the condoms?

[sumdude]

Well it's good that you now have it out in the open. Maybe a second opinion from another MD? Maybe the patch? Perhaps she should get off birth control hormones all together for six months and see if her cycle normalizes. My fiancee went through a similar problem minus the spotting. She went off the pill for three months, they then changed her presciption and things have improved. Some counciling might not hurt either.

[The Wiz]

Another day and a little more progress. I got her to agree to go and see her physician and I am going with... I could not more agree with the previous two posts about trying other forms etc, but I am going to wait and see what a professional says before I give my opinions. Actually I think I will give my opinions with the physician present then we can get his/her approval/disapproval as well. I just want to thank everyone for thier posts and help. Being a first time user I had no idea what to expect. I also just want to say this to those of you who suggested annullment or not getting married... I would much rather be in a relationship full of love and no sex, than a relationship with all the sex I wanted but no love... I didnt marry her for the sex, obviously. Does anyone understand my point?

[VivianLee]

It's very admirable and sweet that you would put aside your sexual needs for love BUT one thing that's been "learned" here on LS, that unless the person is physically or mentally disabled....love isn't enough to make a sexless marriage as happy as it can be. We need that intimacy, we need to feel wanted...it's something we need as much as we need to feel loved.....the rejected and wandering why, will eventually wear thin. Bitterness and hurt will become a part of your thought process when you see couples in movies and such, making love. Trust me, unless you just can kill your sex drive (which is very strong in a male).....you will be back here a year from now or 10 years from now either having had cheated or wanting to cheat because the person you have met makes you feel so excited and wanted!!

 

I'm glad she's willing to seek help!! Keep us updated!!

 

Just don't settle for this to be the norm in your relationship for the rest of your marriage....get it worked out NOW!!

[SoleMate]

I understand that your love is real and profound now. My point is that lack of sex will eventually kill or weaken your love, and both of you will be vulnerable to affairs. Does your wife love you enough to make some effort towards putting sex back in your relationship? I hope so. If she doesn't love you enough to make that effort, then I question whether you really have the relationship that you think you do.

 

You're a newlywed, full of positive feelings. You have not yet seen how time takes its toll, and how chronic neglect of a spouse, over the span of years, be that neglect in the realm of sex, affection, conversation, fun times together, companionship, or whatever, erodes and eventually destroys love.

 

Please see <URL removed> for discussion of what happens over time in a marriage where one partner has a serious unmet need.