Want to improve relationship with abused step-daughter

[Ryan_Talon]

I met my fiancé almost 2 years ago I was 26 & she was 30. She had a 14 year old daughter (16 now) and 3 year old twin boys (now 5).

She's divorced from her ex-husband 6 months previous - so here's the thing - he was a pr!ck, they split because he'd been abusive towards her daughter.

 

They were renting a flat so they moved in with me quite quickly cause I have a decent house (im a mechanic, run a small gargle with my brother) but her step-daughter was always a bit off with me, but I figured it would just take time - she'd been through a lot and she'd see I was a decent guy.

 

Two years on we're getting married, the boys call me dad but she still is incredibly distant with me - not any other men, just me! She doesn't even want to me bridesmaid at our wedding - it hurts a bit, cause I always tried dead hard and she must know I’d never lay one finger on her!

 

Plus like the other day she was hanging out at ours with one of her friends and I came in from a triathlon (a hobby of mine) with my 3rd place medal, which her friend seemed to find hilarious and she was like “omg indy how can you not like this guy, he’s such a cutie” – so clearly she tells her mates im not her favourite person!

 

The reason im writing this now is cause I thought I had a break through with her the other day cause her bf broke up with her and she was upset and I was the only one in and she actually gave me a hug and we played pool & air-hockey for a bit and I was talking to her about the bridesmade thing and that it would mean a lot to her mum, and then for like the first time she actually opened up to me about her mum’s ex, that she trusted him, thought he would be like a dad to her etc etc and in the end I though we’d really got somewhere but then the next morning she was back to avoiding me wear possible!

 

I love those boys and her like my own, I knowshes had it tough but i just need her to give me a chance like she gives everybody else!

[mrs rubble]

She's a teenager! My 14yo son makes out he hates his stepdad too, he doesn't really though- it's just not cool to like him, especially in front of friends, I mean you are 28, that's like REALLY old to a 16yo...hang in there, she'll mature in time.

[Lobouspo]

Been there.....its tough to bond in these situations when the kids are teenagers already. IME older step kids feel like they are competing with the step parent for the real parent's love and affection. Things may get better....just be prepared that the next two years could be tough assuming she moves out at 18

[Ryan_Talon]

I just realised that theres an actual parenting section that this should probably of gone in, id move it if I knew how but anyway - my bad!

 

 

Been there.....its tough to bond in these situations when the kids are teenagers already. IME older step kids feel like they are competing with the step parent for the real parent's love and affection

The thing is that since her mums been with me she sees her way more cause she's been able to go part-time at work cause I earn a decent wage where as her ex husband hardly ever worked.

 

She was in counselling up until a year ago and he said that she has issues with the 'farther figure' - which is fair enough considering not only was my fiancés ex the way he was, but her actual dad left before she was born so she never knew him. But I guess I figured that after 2 years she'd at least kind of see im okay guy, that I wouldn't hurt her.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

This person clearly needs therapy (the girl, I mean)...

 

 

Do you know exactly what amount of effort has been put forth to help the girl recover from those past abuses???

 

Find the path toward helping her that way and leave any concerns over your direct interactions with her for later. (make sure therapy is available to her, and urge her to commence/resume that therapy)

 

Girls used to the abuse will often be drawn toward further abuse and will shun the truly decent guys in their surroundings (who would in ways make them have to risk being vulnerable after they've been hurt in the distant past). With the bad guys they date, they put their guard up and keep it there, where it is most comfortable to them).

[Ryan_Talon]

This person clearly needs therapy (the girl, I mean)...

Do you know exactly what amount of effort has been put forth to help the girl recover from those past abuses???

Yeah she was in therapy until a bit under a year a go - it helped, I mean she's incrediably well adjusted, if you met her you wouldn't guess what she's been through, the only thing it never ever helped with was her relationship with me.

 

Girls used to the abuse will often be drawn toward further abuse and will shun the truly decent guys in their surroundings (who would in ways make them have to risk being vulnerable after they've been hurt in the distant past). With the bad guys they date, they put their guard up and keep it there, where it is most comfortable to them).

Really that's intresting!

 

The thing is she fine with my brothers and dad, and her friends dads... Its just me, although I acknowledge that she could be putting on an act for other people that she doesn't bother with for me.

[Shepp]

Wow, im sure theres people with lots more experience in this field than me but I'll try...

 

This ex of her mothers he may not of been a nice guy, but I'm sure he seemed it - your gf would of married him other wise. So however 'nice' you are how does she know your not playing the part same as he was? She trusted him and he abused that position and that's gotta of knocked her confidence in the 'father figure'.

 

I would say its one of those situations that comes down to time. Build up slowly, you cant but offer right? Offer her a game of pool with you, offer her (& her friends) a lift to ____, offer her if she wants to go ___ with you and the boys. And accept that 99% of the time she'll say no but that just occasionally she might say yes in which case never fail to be there, let her know she can rely on you!

 

You might not be able to spend the time with her you do with the boys because she dosent let it happen but id still try and let her know shes important to you, verbally, like complement her on her cooking or grades, or just remember stuff about her - her friends names, her favourite band etc Just don't be too pushy.

 

Dunno what else to say tbh - hopefully more experienced people will be able to give you some pointers!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

The thing is she fine with my brothers and dad, and her friends dads... Its just me, although I acknowledge that she could be putting on an act for other people that she doesn't bother with for me.

 

 

 

My next momentary concern is how much seeming competition the girl might be feeling you to represent for her mother's attention.

 

 

And you're gonna need to step outside of yourself, to try to perceive, in unbiased fashion, how much of a challenge it has been in the past for the daughter to get and keep your fiancé's attention.

 

 

Depending upon the severity of the abuse she has gone through, there is every chance that the girl is just plain scared by situations which might seem to coax her into truuuuuuuuuuuusting somebody.

 

Against a backdrop shared by all teenage females, that of evolving toward adulthood and seeming to measure their appeal to society, the elements of that abuse can really do a number on the victim and on those in her immediate family.

[Ryan_Talon]

My next momentary concern is how much seeming competition the girl might be feeling you to represent for her mother's attention..

Well I do try to be a good bf so I guess I do take some of her mums attention, but considering that when my gf was with her ex, he barely worked, and now I bring in most of the bucks so stephs dropped to working part time and has more time for the kids that she ever did before

 

 

And you're gonna need to step outside of yourself, to try to perceive, in

unbiased fashion, how much of a challenge it has been in the past for the

daughter to get and keep your fiancé's attention.

Yeah I do get that, like up till she was 10 it was just her and her mum, then her mum met her ex and has the twins so that was a big shack up for her - although from what I know she was dead chuffed at the time, really liked the chap up until, well, he hurt her.

 

Depending upon the severity of the abuse she has gone through, there is every chance that the girl is just plain scared by situations which might seem to coax her into truuuuuuuuuuuusting somebody.

 

Against a backdrop shared by all teenage females, that of evolving toward

adulthood and seeming to measure their appeal to society, the elements of

that abuse can really do a number on the victim and on those in her immediate family.

Yeah I get that, it does figure - I mean like I say, in the main she is incredibly well adjusted and if you met her you would never guess anything had happened unless maybe you saw her with me.

 

____________________________________________

 

This ex of her mothers he may not of been a nice guy, but I'm sure he seemed it - your gf would of married him other wise. So however 'nice' you are how does she know your not playing the part same as he was? She trusted him and he abused that position and that's gotta of knocked her confidence in the 'father figure'.

 

I would say its one of those situations that comes down to time. Build up slowly, you cant but offer right? Offer her a game of pool with you, offer her (& her friends) a lift to ____, offer her if she wants to go ___ with you and the boys. And accept that 99% of the time she'll say no but that just occasionally she might say yes in which case never fail to be there, let her know she can rely on you!

Yeah I get that it I do understand, well Ive never gone through what she has so I don't pretend to know exactly what its like but I can imagine - I know it'll take a lot of time.

I'm not being pushy I know i wasn't there when she was growing up - i wish i had of been, but i wasn't and i cant change that!

I'm not asking her to call me dad, or look at me the way the boys do. But if she wanted it i'd like to be part of her life,

I know i missed a hell of a lot but we could still have a relationship if she wanted, she might have issues with father figures or just not see me as one but if she wanted i could still be a guy to pick her up from a night out, to teach her to drive or like you say play pool with.

 

 

You might not be able to spend the time with her you do with the boys because she dosent let it happen but id still try and let her know shes important to you, verbally, like complement her on her cooking or grades, or just remember stuff about her - her friends names, her favourite band etc Just don't be too pushy.

Yeah I probably could do that more, I've always been a 'show it don't say it' kinda guy but I could reverse that in her case If she needed me too.

[todreaminblue]

My massive apologies for duplicating this thread but I put the other one in the wrong category and cant work out how to move it so, sorry

 

I met my fiancé almost 2 years ago I was 26 & she was 30. She had a 14 year old daughter (16 now) and 3 year old twin boys (now 5).

She's divorced from her ex-husband (who's not my step-daughters dad) 6 months previous - so here's the thing - he was a pr!ck, they split because he'd been abusive towards her daughter.

 

They were renting a flat so they moved in with me quite quickly cause I have a decent house (im a mechanic, run a small gargle with my brother) but her step-daughter was always a bit off with me, but I figured it would just take time - she'd been through a lot and she'd see I was a decent guy.

 

Two years on we're getting married, the boys call me dad but she still is incredibly distant with me - not any other men, just me! She doesn't even want to me bridesmaid at our wedding - which isn't particularly important it hurts a bit, cause I always tried dead hard and she must know I’d never lay one finger on her!

 

Plus like the other day she was hanging out at ours with one of her friends and I came in from a triathlon (a hobby of mine) with my 3rd place medal, which her friend seemed to find hilarious and she was like “omg indy how can you not like this guy, he’s such a cutie” – so clearly she tells her mates im not her favourite person!

 

The reason im writing this now is cause I thought I had a break through with her the other day cause her bf broke up with her and she was upset and I was the only one in and she actually gave me a hug and we played pool & air-hockey for a bit and I was talking to her about the bridesmade thing and that it would mean a lot to her mum, and then for like the first time she actually opened up to me about her mum’s ex, that she trusted him, thought he would be like a dad to her etc etc and in the end I though we’d really got somewhere but then the next morning she was back to avoiding me wear possible!

 

I love those boys and her like my own, I know shes had it tough but i just need her to give me a chance like she gives everybody else!

 

 

my daughter suffers with ptsd from the abandonment she felt when her father left including perceiving the same from me as i got sick and had to be hospitalized at the same time he refused to stick around .......it was horrible for her......she is still in therapy will be for a long time......she went through this phase of being used......with horrible slimy creatures who took advantage of her.......only recently has she had contact with a boy who has treated her well and shown her affection is not sex.....no matter ho wmany times i todl her how wonderful she is she deserves respect...it took a boy with a bit of restraint to show her what it feels like to be respected...now she feels the difference not just told the difference......plus therapy as i said ongoing...........her therapist has said this is so good for my daughter to be treated well by a boy who only gives her cuddles shows respect for her.........it lets her feel the difference....eb that difference with this girl.....and therapy might be a consideration for th emum to follow through

 

 

you did have a break through.....teen girls can close off from their mothers often,especially ones with mental health issues, for her to open up to you is huge.......be patient...treat her with respect even when she seems rebellious....just be there......dont push issues......just be interested when she speaks....be patient...and congrats on the break through...take it as a huge step.....now just relax....she will come through again...you did good.....:0)..deb

[Ryan_Talon]

my daughter suffers with ptsd from the abandonment she felt when her father left including perceiving the same from me as i got sick and had to be hospitalized at the same time he refused to stick around .......it was horrible for her......she is still in therapy will be for a long time......she went through this phase of being used......with horrible slimy creatures who took advantage of her.......only recently has she had contact with a boy who has treated her well and shown her affection is not sex.....no matter ho wmany times i todl her how wonderful she is she deserves respect...it took a boy with a bit of restraint to show her what it feels like to be respected...now she feels the difference not just told the difference......plus therapy as i said ongoing...........her therapist has said this is so good for my daughter to be treated well by a boy who only gives her cuddles shows respect for her.........it lets her feel the difference....eb that difference with this girl.....and therapy might be a consideration for th emum to follow through

I'm glad for your daughter!

Yeah that's what I want more than anything to show her that he was a tool, and out of his head and that is not what the 'father figures' all about!!

She had therapy up till just under a year ago - it was good for her. Like I said above she is incredibly well adjusted & mostly a very confident, social girl the only exception being when it comes to me!

 

(and I know that comes across like 'poor ryan' aren't I feeling sorry for myself - and in no way do I mean it like that - I can understand why doesn't trust me, im not annoyed or put out about it. More than anything it just makes me a little sad. largely down to the fact that it is just me - like even my brothers she really likes, my little brothers not that much older than her and she loves him and even my older brother she gets on well with, its just me

.....and im the nicest one ).

 

 

you did have a break through.....teen girls can close off from their mothers often, especially ones with mental health issues, for her to open up to you is huge.......be patient...treat her with respect even when she seems rebellious....just be there......dont push issues......just be interested when she speaks....be patient...and congrats on the break through...take it as a huge step.....now just relax....she will come through again...you did good.....:0)..deb

 

You think?? I hope so!

 

Thanks,

Ryan

[Mint Sauce]

Perhaps this is totally off the mark, and I don't mean to offend, but is there any possibility she has a crush on you? Perhaps the "small" age difference is confusing for her? If I understand correctly, she's 16 and you're 28?

[Ryan_Talon]

Perhaps this is totally off the mark, and I don't mean to offend, but is there any possibility she has a crush on you? Perhaps the "small" age difference is confusing for her? If I understand correctly, she's 16 and you're 28?

 

yep shes 16, im 28.

 

Well despite my obvious charm and good looks I don't think theres much chance of that - she goes out of her way to have as little to do with me as possible 90% of the time.

[Shepp]

(and I know that comes across like 'poor ryan' aren't I feeling sorry for myself - and in no way do I mean it like that - I can understand why doesn't trust me, im not annoyed or put out about it. More than anything it just makes me a little sad. largely down to the fact that it is just me - like even my brothers she really likes, my little brothers not that much older than her and she loves him and even my older brother she gets on well with, its just me

.....and im the nicest one ).

 

But your brothers don't live with her, right?

And she wouldn't associate them with her abuse in the way she does you (which is bad for you, but good for her because it means she is just associating the father figure with her abuse and not men in general).

[SincereOnlineGuy]

yep shes 16, im 28.

 

Well despite my obvious charm and good looks I don't think theres much chance of that - she goes out of her way to have as little to do with me as possible 90% of the time.

 

 

This may seem off the mark a bit, but I'm wondering IF the step-daughter has the usual focus on boys and her social life, as you perceive to be 'normal-ish', given what you sense of her female peers?

 

We could kinda use a way to calibrate ways in which she is "normal" in order to more clearly understand things which are or may be unique about her.

[Ryan_Talon]

This may seem off the mark a bit, but I'm wondering IF the step-daughter has the usual focus on boys and her social life, as you perceive to be 'normal-ish', given what you sense of her female peers?

 

We could kinda use a way to calibrate ways in which she is "normal" in order to more clearly understand things which are or may be unique about her.

 

Sorry mate im not the sharpest tool in the box - you mean how much like her peers is she in regards to socialising and the like??

 

She's got a lot of friends - well there's deffo like 5 girls I know who spend time at ours and who she goes out with a lot.

Boyfriend wise she was with her fella for 6 months (she informed me the other day), I think shes had one other boyfriend between me meeting her and now. So I dunno her level of interest in guys but she does date them.

 

I would say she is, y'know social, shes deffo loud enough with her friends.

 

 

If that was totally not your question mate then just let me know and I can answer that instead!

 

Thanks again,

Ryan

[SincereOnlineGuy]

OK, I believe that I learned what I wanted to learn, from that.

 

 

There was nothing within the new details to sway me from just the sense that perhaps there are unresolved issues from her past which really need the attention of a therapist. Some of the most adversely affected people are able to put up the best facade's on the outside.

 

I do not *know* that she needs more therapy, but it would be such a kind-hearted thing were you able to see that it is available to her, IF she could benefit from it.

[Ryan_Talon]

There was nothing within the new details to sway me from just the sense that perhaps there are unresolved issues from her past which really need the attention of a therapist. Some of the most adversely affected people are able to put up the best facade's on the outside.

 

I do not *know* that she needs more therapy, but it would be such a kind-hearted thing were you able to see that it is available to her, IF she could benefit from it.

 

Yeah I agree that she does have unresolved issues. When she stopped the therapy it was left so all she had to do was ring if she wanted to chat about anything or have another session.

I guess the difficult thing is that I dunno whether its something that's kinda gotta come from her - like my girlfriend cant really be like 'I think you should resume therapy because of ryan' and like I love my family I want to make there lives better it makes me a bit sad that she needs therapy because of me being there (I know its not directly because of me its because of the jerk that was her step dad but you know what I mean).

 

Some of the most adversely affected people are able to put up the best facade's on the outside.

that's an interesting point cause when she was in therapy it was pretty confidential but they did mention bits and pieces to her mum and steph said to me that they reckoned she was happy to talk about most things but not so keen when it came to me, alwas made it a bit of a non-issue.

 

Thanks again,

Ryan

[turnera]

but i just need her to give me a chance like she gives everybody else!

No offense, but you're the adult and she's an abused CHILD who has had at least TWO men so far turn on her.

 

You don't NEED anything.

 

You OWE her to be a responsible, honest, safe, male in her life. If you intend to be in her mom's life for the rest of HER life, you took ON that responsibility with full knowledge, and your reward will be a long-term one. If you do this right, you will be her 'dad' for the rest of her life, which will be many more years than just the rest of her childhood.

[turnera]

But I guess I figured that after 2 years she'd at least kind of see im okay guy, that I wouldn't hurt her.

Two years in her life is more than a tenth of her life. And look at how her mom has moved around - given her no stability, taught her to never trust anyone (least of all men). If a girl doesn't have unconditional love by a male in her life by the time she's 12, she is forever damaged, and will struggle for life to get over that damage. Girls need a healthy male figure at puberty to understand what the male/female relationship is supposed to be, and she's not only not had that, but had an abusive one. So her whole perspective of males is now skewed.

[turnera]

The thing is she fine with my brothers and dad, and her friends dads... Its just me, although I acknowledge that she could be putting on an act for other people that she doesn't bother with for me.

That's because you are the one man 'taking' her mom. Not only does she worry about her mom wanting YOU more than HER, she's also looking to you to figure out what kind of guy she should look for, and you are nothing like what she's experienced so far. So she must put up a shield to NOT let herself like you; occasionally, she slips and lets you see that she likes you, but she can't afford to do that more; not yet. Probably not til she's a bit older.

 

Please just try to be understanding and patient with her, and know that you're doing her a wonderful thing - teaching her that men CAN be good and safe.

[Ryan_Talon]

Hey,

No offense, but you're the adult and she's an abused CHILD who has had at least TWO men so far turn on her.

You don't NEED anything.

yeah I understand that - maybe that wasn't the best phrasing...what I meant was, I couldn't love her and the boys more if they were my own, Im not asking for her to call me dad or let me give her away one day or anything like that but I would like y'know to be part of her life and to look after her - its hard to do that without her trusting me.

 

You OWE her to be a responsible, honest, safe, male in her life. If you intend to be in her mom's life for the rest of HER life, you took ON that responsibility with full knowledge, and your reward will be a long-term one. If you do this right, you will be her 'dad' for the rest of her life, which will be many more years than just the rest of her childhood.

I do intend to, as long as I live, my fiancés as her kids, absolutely, im totally in it for the long haul.

 

Two years in her life is more than a tenth of her life. And look at how her mom has moved around - given her no stability, taught her to never trust anyone (least of all men).

Yeah I mean it wasn't stephs fault the guys shes met in the past have turned out to be tools but yeah I can see that all the upheaval would take its toll on any kid, of course.

 

If a girl doesn't have unconditional love by a male in her life by the time she's 12, she is forever damaged, and will struggle for life to get over that damage.

Girls need a healthy male figure at puberty to understand what the male/female relationship is supposed to be, and she's not only not had that, but had an abusive one. So her whole perspective of males is now skewed..

Sure, that makes sense!

I mean it hurts my heart, what shes had to go through and the issues that its left her with. I cant go back in time and make it better, I would if I could but I cant. but y'know id just like to show her that not all guys are like that, that im not like that! That she can trust me!

 

That's because you are the one man 'taking' her mom. Not only does she worry about her mom wanting YOU more than HER, she's also looking to you to figure out what kind of guy she should look for, and you are nothing like what she's experienced so far. So she must put up a shield to NOT let herself like you; occasionally, she slips and lets you see that she likes you, but she can't afford to do that more; not yet. Probably not til she's a bit older..

Yeah I get that! So you think its just a question of time? Or can I help her with that?

Its hard cause I realise now that you cant make someone trust you.

 

Please just try to be understanding and patient with her, and know that you're doing her a wonderful thing - teaching her that men CAN be good and safe.

Thank you, I appreciate that!

 

Thanks again,

Ryan!

[turnera]

You ARE showing her that all men aren't like that, but since you didn't show up until after she hit puberty, it will take her quite a while to get to the safe stage. Every day you're still there supporting her and her family, you are showing her. If I were you, I'd set my sights more on getting her acceptance by the time she needs a man to walk her down the aisle (hopefully not for another 10 years!); that's more realistic. If you continue, you WILL become her 'father,' the one she's grateful for.

 

Please remember, though, not to give in to her while she's a teenager just to get her to like you. She needs you to be the adult, not her friend. If she screws up, she needs a consequence, ok? And you and her mom need to discuss and agree beforehand what consequences will be for what transgressions, and her mom needs to sit her down before anything happens and tell her what the rules are and what the consequences will be. I did that and it really saved my DD22 from doing anything wrong.

 

We asked her once why she was never getting grounded like all her friends and she just shrugged and said 'why would I do something I know I'll get punished for?' That was because I told her all along what we expected her NOT to do, and what would happen if she chose to.

 

Another great resource for you AND her - www.daughters.com. It was created by a man who was divorcing and wanted resources for helping raise his daughter after the divorce. Just absolutely great stuff. They used to send a newsletter, I think you can still print them out, and DD and I would sit down on the couch each month and read through it and discuss all the issues brought up in that issue. It's a great way to get girls talking about real stuff going on in their lives (by using other peoples' examples, as in 'I have this friend....').

[tbf]

Whether she ever learns to trust you, is largely irrelevant unless you wish to control her in some manner. Any attempts to control her will be viewed in fear and will cause a strong emotional backlash, in resistance of such.

 

The question that I broach to you, is why they need to control her? Is control part of your love language and if so, why? If she's as balanced as you say, where she's capable of making good decisions, why can't you accept and love her, as is?

[Ryan_Talon]

You ARE showing her that all men aren't like that, but since you didn't show up until after she hit puberty, it will take her quite a while to get to the safe stage. Every day you're still there supporting her and her family, you are showing her. If I were you, I'd set my sights more on getting her acceptance by the time she needs a man to walk her down the aisle (hopefully not for another 10 years!); that's more realistic. If you continue, you WILL become her 'father,' the one she's grateful for..

 

Thank you! it's nice to hear encouraging stuff.

 

Please remember, though, not to give in to her while she's a teenager just to get her to like you. She needs you to be the adult, not her friend. If she screws up, she needs a consequence, ok? And you and her mom need to discuss and agree beforehand what consequences will be for what transgressions, and her mom needs to sit her down before anything happens and tell her what the rules are and what the consequences will be. I did that and it really saved my DD22 from doing anything wrong..

 

Yeah, we're pretty lucky in that respect, shes a good kid. I mean im not the disciplinarian, I probably do my share with the boys but not at all with her - I don't raise my voice to her. Not in the way that I give into her either - im softer on her than her mum in the way that i'd be the one to take her up painkillers when shes had a heavy night (not that im tying to make her like me - if i was it wouldn't be working! im just soft)*but her mum does a fantastic job and I stand by & back up*her decisions and rules completely - we're a team.

*

We asked her once why she was never getting grounded like all her friends and she just shrugged and said 'why would I do something I know I'll get punished for?' That was because I told her all along what we expected her NOT to do, and what would happen if she chose to..

very clever girl!

*

 

Another great resource for you AND her - Daughters.com. It was created by a man who was divorcing and wanted resources for helping raise his daughter after the divorce. Just absolutely great stuff. They used to send a newsletter, I think you can still print them out, and DD and I would sit down on the couch each month and read through it and discuss all the issues brought up in that issue. It's a great way to get girls talking about real stuff going on in their lives (by using other peoples' examples, as in 'I have this friend....').

Sounds good I'll check it out! Thanks!

 

~ Ryan