Author Ryan_Talon Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 Whether she ever learns to trust you, is largely irrelevant unless you wish to control her in some manner. Any attempts to control her will be viewed in fear and will cause a strong emotional backlash, in resistance of such. The question that I broach to you, is why they need to control her? Is control part of your love language and if so, why? If she's as balanced as you say, where she's capable of making good decisions, why can't you accept and love her, as is? I neither need nor want to control her! The last thing I want to do is control her...or anyone for that matter. Live and let live! And I do love her as she is, I couldn't care for those kids more if they were my flesh and blood, I want her to trust me because her trusting me and hence relaxing in my company creates a bettter family life for everybody! I don't want rear to feel like she has to walk straight through the door and too her room, families important and I want, becuase I cAre for her, to help give her a solid one. I want, because I care for the boys a better atmosphere and to be able to spend time with there big sister because she isn't avoiding their "dad" at all costs! And hopefully we'll have our own kids one day and I want them to have there sister in there lives cause she's a great girl with a lot to give! Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I neither need nor want to control her! The last thing I want to do is control her...or anyone for that matter. Live and let live! And I do love her as she is, I couldn't care for those kids more if they were my flesh and blood, I want her to trust me because her trusting me and hence relaxing in my company creates a bettter family life for everybody! I don't want rear to feel like she has to walk straight through the door and too her room, families important and I want, becuase I cAre for her, to help give her a solid one. I want, because I care for the boys a better atmosphere and to be able to spend time with there big sister because she isn't avoiding their "dad" at all costs! And hopefully we'll have our own kids one day and I want them to have there sister in there lives cause she's a great girl with a lot to give!While I understand your perspective, that you have a family dynamic vision in mind and wish it to happen, my question to you is why it must happen in exactly the way you envision. Let live as you've expressed. Even without her past experiences, her behaviour of not wanting to be part of warm and fuzzy, isn't unusual for teenagers. This might just be the beginning of her bid for adult autonomy, complicated by being a walking hormone factory (teenagers!). She came to you when she needed you. This means she trusts you enough to open up when it got too much for her. Don't push her. Any additional pressure and you become an unsafe, controlling adult. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ryan_Talon Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 While I understand your perspective, that you have a family dynamic vision in mind and wish it to happen, my question to you is why it must happen in exactly the way you envision. Let live as you've expressed. It doesn't, people are free to make there own choices. The difference in this situation is her decision appears to be largely based on the abuse she suffered making it less her decision as such and more...the effect some worthless jerk has had on her. You don't get anywhere in life by running from your problems. Its less the 'family dynamic vision' in my mind and more the one in her mind - that she was apparently so happy about in the early days on her mum meeting her old step-dad. If she just didn't like me and didn't want anything to do with me then yeah there's nothing I can do about that, but if she's making a conscious effort to stay distant from me and avoid me because she thinks i'm going to hurt her then I don't think that just ignoring it does her any favours. There might well be nothing I can do and she may stay weary of me and the 'father figure' forever but if she could somewhere along the line trust me and see the difference between him and me and that he was scum but not every guy in that role it then surely that can only be a good thing? Even without her past experiences, her behaviour of not wanting to be part of warm and fuzzy, isn't unusual for teenagers. This might just be the beginning of her bid for adult autonomy, complicated by being a walking hormone factory (teenagers!). yeah I get that, if I was certain there were no deeper issues at play then id draw the line under it and wait the teenage years out. But I dunno, I don't claim to be a psychologist. She came to you when she needed you. This means she trusts you enough to open up when it got too much for her. Don't push her. Any additional pressure and you become an unsafe, controlling adult. This is true and pleases me, though I think it was more a case of I was the only person there but still that's irrelevant it was a massive breakthrough. I dunno how she feels about it though - I would hope she would feel like she could always call on me again if she needed me too and I hope she dosent regret slipping up and letting her guard down. But I dunno, could be either. Thanks, Ryan Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 When she does come to you, don't make a big deal out of it; she'll be watching to see if you do; if you do, it will embarrass her and she won't do it again. So far so good. Also, I wanted to comment that you said you met 'almost' two years ago, but you keep saying, hey, I've been there two years already! It's more likely that if you only met two years ago, the seriousness aspect has only really been in place a year, year and a half at most. So more patience is in order. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ryan_Talon Posted June 12, 2013 Author Share Posted June 12, 2013 When she does come to you, don't make a big deal out of it; she'll be watching to see if you do; if you do, it will embarrass her and she won't do it again. So far so good. Sure thing! One of her best mates from school, Katie, is my niece, my eldest brothers daughter (which kind of had a play in how I met my gf in the first place) - we're a pretty close family so i'm close to Katie and she's more than happy to ask this or that of me and sometimes she'll tag Indy in with that i.e. can you give us a lift ___, can you help me and Indy with this assignment... I tend to find that she plays nice (well that might be exaggerating - plays nicer at least) around Katie and accepts these things, my guess is she dosent wanna kick up a fuss in front of Kate. She never ever mentions it after and I tow the line and don't either, so yeah i'm used to that. Also, I wanted to comment that you said you met 'almost' two years ago, but you keep saying, hey, I've been there two years already! It's more likely that if you only met two years ago, the seriousness aspect has only really been in place a year, year and a half at most. So more patience is in order. Yeah fair play that is true! They moved in with me after 5 months of dating so I guess it is a year and a half really. And I guess it dosent help my cause that my her ex stepdad was good to her in the beginning as well. Hence why she liked him. Thanks, Ryan Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) I have a SD, but she came into my life at 8 - but majorly messed up. I got her into therapy and also got lawyers to resolve legal issues with biodad games. All I can add is this, while she trusts me, and we were close from ages 7-14. Then she hit 14-18 she wanted not much to do with me (and even her mom). She would come home, go straight to her room, would not join me in the living room when her mom was not home. We bumped heads more than once. But then I figure its partly being a normal teen, maybe her being a young woman now and me not her bio dad (weirdness issue), and partly her maybe going through phases and roller coasters between me and her "real" dad who still comes into the picture every now and then to stir things up. Also we have a 5 year old child of our own and that also may play in the picture. Both her mom and I have caught her playing the martyr "I have no parents, no dad, my home life is messed up, no one loves me, no one understands...".....with her friends and even us. Many times we have had to say to her "that's a bunch of BS! you got a loving home and two parents who care about you". But you know how teens get with the drama. I guess what i am saying - like some others -is that even if she was your bio daughter - she could be treating you this way as well. Part of being a parent. Just keep up the positive words to her - even when she is rude or ignoring you. Edited June 13, 2013 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 To be a better parent and get better results (i.e. help them grow up happy), learn all you can about Authoritative Parenting (not authoritarian). It's recognized as the best possible way to raise a child. It's what I did (without knowing what I was doing), and mine turned out amazing. Authoritative Parenting - What Is Authoritative Parenting Link to post Share on other sites
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