6 mo post separation relationship

[imtooconfused]

I am sure this has been often stated in this or your other threads, but I feel it's time to remind you to review the following:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366654-caliguy-no-contact-guide-updated#post4510329

 

It followed properly, it will eventually help you get through this.

[Caldespair]

Sunny, amguilts, others

 

Issues in marriage

She hated my sister. - I always played peacemaker and did not back my ex.

I did a stint in rehab - bad back, began to use opiates, pain pills.

When I did the pain pills I was high functioning- had my own business, coached kids in team sports.

Clean for years.

She did not like when I had fun with my guy friends. She always wanted me to have fun mainly with her.

I was content, not as attentive as I could have been.

No affairs or abuse

I had leukemia , doctors said get affairs in order, I lived.

She comes from big time divorce family, I did not.

When my ex was 15, her mom threw her dad out of the house.

The pattern happened again when my ex threw me out of house awhen our daughter was 15.

Seperating argument was 12/1 after argument about my sister.

I have been NC, except not strictly. I saw her at kids functions. I emailer her about divorce stuff. I never have had any conversation with her since 12/1.

But this last one, me trying to be above it all, inviting her to the family graduation, was that breaking no contact? I guess so.

I should forget about being nice?

Thanks for all the input. This helps.

[Shocked Suzie]

Ya know - a woman doesn't generally get really pissed like that for any single incident. What did you do to her through those years together?

 

Think hard - IF you get honest we may be able to make some progress here that you could benefit from...

 

It's not a phase - she has reasons...best to find out so you can work on those issues.

 

i'm not sure i fully agree here...my H is also VERY angry and seems really bitter...in fact you would think i'd Shat on him the way he used to flip on early conversations. The day he left he bought up something i'd said to him only 6 months into our relationship...that was 16 years ago!! he blamed me for decisions he had made, debt and credit cards i knew nothing about. I think that there are many people in this world that can't see there own faults or admit to them

 

..maybe its just her issues within herself that causes her anger ??

 

...cause in my case i've no idea why my H is such an angry victim?? i'm seriously low maintenance, not perfect no one is.... i know where my faults are and where we both started to go wrong, so whats my H problem??

[trippi1432]

Actually....this is the most information Cal has given on the background in the six months he has been coming here.

 

I will say one thing...someone who comes from a "big divorce family" but puts in over 20 years is someone who would have rather held their family together Cal.

 

Shocked Suzie - My exH was very much like yours...the debts and the cheating. But here in Cal's situation and 24 threads on LS...there is more to the story as they really didn't have those same issues.

 

Cal put himself in the middle of a family argument and told his wife he would divorce her if she didn't apologize to his sister. She apologized and said she didn't want him there anymore. He left. At 3 weeks, he was looking for companionship here on LS...just recently he was having a relationship with another woman. His wife is angry with him...now, 24 threads later....it's good to have more of the background Cal.

[trippi1432]

Sunny, amguilts, others

 

Issues in marriage

She hated my sister. - I always played peacemaker and did not back my ex.

I did a stint in rehab - bad back, began to use opiates, pain pills.

When I did the pain pills I was high functioning- had my own business, coached kids in team sports.

Clean for years.

She did not like when I had fun with my guy friends. She always wanted me to have fun mainly with her.

I was content, not as attentive as I could have been.

No affairs or abuse

I had leukemia , doctors said get affairs in order, I lived.

She comes from big time divorce family, I did not.

When my ex was 15, her mom threw her dad out of the house.

The pattern happened again when my ex threw me out of house awhen our daughter was 15.

Seperating argument was 12/1 after argument about my sister.

I have been NC, except not strictly. I saw her at kids functions. I emailer her about divorce stuff. I never have had any conversation with her since 12/1.

But this last one, me trying to be above it all, inviting her to the family graduation, was that breaking no contact? I guess so.

I should forget about being nice?

Thanks for all the input. This helps.

 

Cal..let's dig a little here because you both had a very long marriage..there is a lot of history. I see the part of you that hurts over that...did she support you in the rehab and in the leukemia scare?

[2sunny]

Your response seems to place a lot of the blame in HER lap.

 

If you've done a program of recovery - you should know the steps - which ask YOU to clearly identify ONLY HOW YOU PARTICIPATED.

 

Get honest with yourself.

 

How are you to blame?

 

In the steps - the blame is never placed on the other - it is about what/who you can change moving forward = YOU.

[Caldespair]

I think her anger stems from her own stuff. Of course I share half the responsibility for the failed marriage.

She did support me for both leukemia and rehab.

My guess on why she was ready to let the marriage to was of course my threat to leave if she did not apologize to my sister, but I think it is: my oldest goes away to college, and we are getting towards empty nest syndrome.

Also, she went to work, had success, accolades and perhaps found me and the business I stared and supported all with, not that exciting anymore.

No affairs Im certain (famous last words).

But it's her hatred of me that is so strong and consistent throughout the 6 months.

If you guys saw her e mail reply, after my good will attempt to have her attend my side of the family's graduation, you would think she was crazy.

Up until the end we played tennis teams together, golfed, did date nights, sex.

So, I think I will never know, nor is it necessary for me to know why she did not want to work on mending marriage.

Last thing is in her scathing e mail it encompasses every mis step, every wrong that I did her in the relationship.,even stuff from when we were dating. She kept close track of every slight, real or perceived.

[2sunny]

Your still not looking at yourself!

 

And you avoid answering the hard questions.

 

You know why.

 

One argument does not end a M... It's your behavior you need to get honest about.

 

No one here can help you grow if you can't admit to YOUR OWN faults!

 

And you're likely to take the same defects to the next gal if you don't get willing to change your defects. Step 1 - the principle is honesty. Start at the beginning. I suggest a seasoned sponsor.

 

 

Dating other gals certainly doesn't help - all the while you're hoping to get back with your wife - that's not right or fair to the other gals either - pretending like you're interested but connected to a woman who won't have you.

 

Take a hard look at yourself - you have work to do.

 

Only blame yourself - that's the best way to find change.

[Caldespair]

Sunny I really wish I had more bad stuff I did that I can mention.

Let me think...did not appreciate her housework, loved her but 3/4 through marriage did not like her.

I worked too much to support our family? That's good and bad?

Ok here's one she articulated to me at month 2. At this point I had tries numerous attempts to work it out. We went to one counseling.

She calls me and said "how can we get back after all the bad stuff I wrote to your family in the e mails". She really loved my family, save my sister. She wrote nasty e mails in a fit of anger to my family.

More bad stuff about me during marriage..I don't like to argue so I would withdraw at times. I was passionate about sports.

This is random, but she never got along with any women. We had nice couples friends and my ex would inevitably dislike the nice women.

I am hard working laid back guy.

[Caldespair]

Slightly off current discussion

Last night was the last night with my gal friend. She wants more, she is ready for full relationship, I was not. She cried a bit and she said she has to remove herself from ths situation. Who knows, in future, when I am more healed, she is the type of women I could picture myself with. As I told her, I am just starting to adjust to being alone.

So more healing and less prowling. It was the companionship I craved, not the intimate stuff. She wanted all and I was backing off that, she felt uncare for.

[trippi1432]

I think her anger stems from her own stuff. Of course I share half the responsibility for the failed marriage.

She did support me for both leukemia and rehab.

My guess on why she was ready to let the marriage to was of course my threat to leave if she did not apologize to my sister, but I think it is: my oldest goes away to college, and we are getting towards empty nest syndrome.

Also, she went to work, had success, accolades and perhaps found me and the business I stared and supported all with, not that exciting anymore.

No affairs Im certain (famous last words).

But it's her hatred of me that is so strong and consistent throughout the 6 months.

If you guys saw her e mail reply, after my good will attempt to have her attend my side of the family's graduation, you would think she was crazy.

Up until the end we played tennis teams together, golfed, did date nights, sex.

So, I think I will never know, nor is it necessary for me to know why she did not want to work on mending marriage.

Last thing is in her scathing e mail it encompasses every mis step, every wrong that I did her in the relationship.,even stuff from when we were dating. She kept close track of every slight, real or perceived.

 

Six months of inconsistency is enough time for anyone (including you) to peel back the layers of the marriage and find all the bad to keep the D roller coaster going.

 

Even though you have not answered it directly, did your wife know about your rebound, it's probably a good thing to that you finally did cut things off with the rebound woman. I feel you and your wife have been hitting each other's hot buttons since you left six months ago.

 

This is going to get to divorce. Understand that, comes to terms with it and get to acceptance. That is your goal now. Establish your relationship with your daughters in this new role of being a single dad. Establish friendships as a separate person from your wife. Understand the difference between companionship and a relationship. Let your wife heal on her own as well and go as limited on the contact as possible. You both need a break. Perhaps somewhere down the road, there may be a window of opportunity, but it will take time for you both to heal and come to that realization.

 

Good Luck Cal.

Edited June 11, 2013 by trippi1432

[aMguilts]

Sunny, amguilts, others

 

Issues in marriage

She hated my sister. - I always played peacemaker and did not back my ex.

I did a stint in rehab - bad back, began to use opiates, pain pills.

When I did the pain pills I was high functioning- had my own business, coached kids in team sports.

Clean for years.

She did not like when I had fun with my guy friends. She always wanted me to have fun mainly with her.

I was content, not as attentive as I could have been.

No affairs or abuse

I had leukemia , doctors said get affairs in order, I lived.

She comes from big time divorce family, I did not.

When my ex was 15, her mom threw her dad out of the house.

The pattern happened again when my ex threw me out of house awhen our daughter was 15.

Seperating argument was 12/1 after argument about my sister.

I have been NC, except not strictly. I saw her at kids functions. I emailer her about divorce stuff. I never have had any conversation with her since 12/1.

But this last one, me trying to be above it all, inviting her to the family graduation, was that breaking no contact? I guess so.

I should forget about being nice?

Thanks for all the input. This helps.

cal you are not listening

esp` to yourself

focus on the now and moving forward

 

you will get no relief from looking in the past

its the past

 

 

aM

[aMguilts]

Six months of inconsistency is enough time for anyone (including you) to peel back the layers of the marriage and find all the bad to keep the D roller coaster going.

 

Even though you have not answered it directly, did your wife know about your rebound, it's probably a good thing to that you finally did cut things off with the rebound woman. I feel you and your wife have been hitting each other's hot buttons since you left six months ago.

 

This is going to get to divorce. Understand that, comes to terms with it and get to acceptance. That is your goal now. Establish your relationship with your daughters in this new role of being a single dad. Establish friendships as a separate person from your wife. Understand the difference between companionship and a relationship. Let your wife heal on her own as well and go as limited on the contact as possible. You both need a break. Perhaps somewhere down the road, there may be a window of opportunity, but it will take time for you both to heal and come to that realization.

 

Good Luck Cal.

 

trippi is right but with 1 exception

 

just focus on you, not her, you

easier said then done i know but life isn`t easy is it

 

aM

[2sunny]

Once again - you really didn't address the questions asked.

 

Think hard - really hard... She didn't leave for no reason. And it wouldn't be ONLY about your sister...

 

Get honest with yourself dude!

 

 

Or maybe you just still have the ego and entitlement that users and drinkers are supposed to get rid of when they do a solid program of recovery.

 

The evidence shows - you have work to do on yourself!

 

IF there's nothing you can think of - then NOTHING will change - and you will continue to piss off women and not own your part in it all.

 

Make a list of 100 things - that would be a good start.

 

 

Your posts show she wants nothing to do with you - yet you touch her and also try to include her in family gatherings.

 

You aren't paying attention to the clues she's been giving you - therefore disrespecting her.

 

What EXACTLY did her nasty email state? Tell us - it may be information that helps us understand what her concerns are.

 

 

And you owe the woman you were dating an apology. You totally used her by dating her while you are still trying to get back with your wife.

 

All the more reason why I suggest not dating anyone until the divorce is final! You wasted her time and energy for your own selfish needs - all because you were bored and lonely! Wht a sucky reason to date anyone.

 

Stop thinking so much of yourself and start considering others.

 

Which also ties into you needing desperately to DO your step work! It's obvious you haven't done them - and haven't achieved recovered just for today.

 

You may not have used - but you show evidence of no recovery in the true sense - which is being happy each and every day - without handing anyone or anything all your power...and helping others to achieve this too!

 

As long as its all about you - life is gonna suck!

Edited June 12, 2013 by 2sunny

[Caldespair]

Trippi

My sbxw did not know about the rebound. However, I let my daughters know a while back that dad is doing much better. I don't know if that could have been spun to her.

 

You are correct - in hindsight, we both were/are prideful, and neither wants to give an inch. That said I tried numerous times in first 3 months to work it out. I believe she wanted me to be completely lost, begging to get back. But I was always calm in my approaches with her. I readily admitted to her my failings, with apologies. She has never said sorry, or did ANY self reflection (as far as I know, and during the years it was never her fault with any issues in her life)

But you guys are correct and I accept this outcome. I will not look back.

Tomorrow im going on 3 day golf trip with buddies, then picking up daughter from her college.

Onward and upward

Sunny, what can I say, I'm human. We make mistakes. I also know I have many good qualities so I can't beat myself up. I need to get up off the canvas.

[2sunny]

No one can help you.

 

You're so intent on being perfect that it's not even possible in any long term marriage.

 

That - and the blame always goes to her.

 

Also - it all about you. Your pity party. Your ego.

 

You're living life backwards. Makes it difficult to be happy.

 

Stay single - that way you won't continue harming more women with your lies, inability to be honest, manipulation and selfishness.

 

How's that for a list for you to take a look at - it would have been easy for you to admit your defects or faults - but you think you're perfect.

[Caldespair]

Sunny you can be very insightful, and very judgmental.

I see you've had some time on LS - 15,000 posts.

Can you say you have been in a marriage or relationship for 27 years? Something I was involved with ended however much good - careers, businesses , colleges for kids, and many good family memories. I'm sorry, but I've admitted faults but I cannot do the self flagulation thing for eternity.

You just must be so together and tower above all with zero issues? It must be nice.

[2sunny]

Marriage = 23 years.

 

I have my faults - we all do.

 

I've admitted mine and have done my hard work for feeling recovered.

 

You won't even address that issue.

 

It's difficult to help you when you claim you were perfect.

 

Something you did caused her extreme anger.

 

I hope you seek professional help.

[trippi1432]

Trippi

My sbxw did not know about the rebound. However, I let my daughters know a while back that dad is doing much better. I don't know if that could have been spun to her.

 

You are correct - in hindsight, we both were/are prideful, and neither wants to give an inch. That said I tried numerous times in first 3 months to work it out. I believe she wanted me to be completely lost, begging to get back. But I was always calm in my approaches with her. I readily admitted to her my failings, with apologies. She has never said sorry, or did ANY self reflection (as far as I know, and during the years it was never her fault with any issues in her life)

But you guys are correct and I accept this outcome. I will not look back.

Tomorrow im going on 3 day golf trip with buddies, then picking up daughter from her college.

Onward and upward

Sunny, what can I say, I'm human. We make mistakes. I also know I have many good qualities so I can't beat myself up. I need to get up off the canvas.

 

The bad thing about pride is that people forget compassion and how to humble. I've seen you state once that your therapist says that your wife is a narcissist, above alludes to it as well. I do hope that you look into codependency then. In some cases, people can takes turns in both roles, after 27 years I would bet the lines blurred a lot.

 

There is a good article on codependency here, it can really be as bad as NPD to be honest. But to also be honest, the bad childhood and the things you state now about your wife....I feel she was the codie. As for apologies, those might come after the divorce when she has had time to resolve her past as well.

 

For either of you to do that, you need to get to acceptance of the divorce. As you said, you won't look back....live in the present (and let her live to find her own answers as well).

 

Also, 2Sunny is a veteran on here. A lot of people who have been here a while call them like they see them (me included). She is right though, you do have to look at your faults and work through them to come out happy on the other side. It's not about self-flagulation and it's not about admitting them to your wife in hopes that she will forgive you and make up (that's just a bandaid and never works), it's about getting to self-actualization and awareness that empowers you to be authentic.

[macy]

Well at least you are stepping out. I too started to talk to a very nice guy a few months ago. I was married 16 years so this dating thing is way new to me too. I made it clear I didn't want anything serious... Mainly friendship because I knew I wasn't fully ready either. Although the friendship was nice it did turn a little ugly when he wanted more. I pulled away some and he got more needy. It was a great distraction from all the divorce mess but in the end it caused more stress when he wanted what I couldn't give. In the end I had to cut off contact all together which was sad because he was very nice. I still don't feel like dating after that. Seems exhausting. I've been divorced/separated a year and I'm not sure when I will be. Not because I'm in love with my ex or want him back at all! I don't. Good luck. Just be honest.

[macy]

I responded to this without reading all the previous posts. I don't have the background on others here that some do. I've only come a few times in a year when I'm feeling a little lost in the divorce jungle. I think people try to work their way through in different ways. As we are all different. I didn't see anything in your original post that screamed "selfish user" to me. I think stepping out of your comfort zone and what was your reality for a very long time to see what single life is like and how to figure out life post-divorce is just fine. I take your word when you said you were honest with her about where you are in life and recovery. No one is perfect. Focus on healing, growing, learning and when you're ready and honest go meet people.

[trippi1432]

I responded to this without reading all the previous posts. I don't have the background on others here that some do. I've only come a few times in a year when I'm feeling a little lost in the divorce jungle. I think people try to work their way through in different ways. As we are all different. I didn't see anything in your original post that screamed "selfish user" to me. I think stepping out of your comfort zone and what was your reality for a very long time to see what single life is like and how to figure out life post-divorce is just fine. I take your word when you said you were honest with her about where you are in life and recovery. No one is perfect. Focus on healing, growing, learning and when you're ready and honest go meet people.

 

Every story is different Macy....those people who just read, something inspires them along the way to post.

[Steadfast]

You are correct - in hindsight, we both were/are prideful, and neither wants to give an inch. That said I tried numerous times in first 3 months to work it out. I believe she wanted me to be completely lost, begging to get back.

 

This is part of your problem Cal. You're so busy playing the game you haven't noticed the lopsided score. Let me refresh your memory;

 

You're losing.

 

If I were in your shoes and desired my wife's return I'd tell her my feelings, emotions and decisions then leave her alone. The number and address hasn't changed. You know where to find me. After that, I'd concentrate on allowing my actions to demonstrate the profound changes in my life, and leave the words out. Being kind, considerate and installing good motivation for everything are positive steps that will help you regardless of what your wife decides. Let her 'hate' if she chooses to hate. If you change your behavior, it eventually won't have anywhere to stick.

[2sunny]

I don't see anything you've written that shows she wanted you to beg for her back, heck, she hasn't attempted contact for 6 months or more.

 

That alone tells you everything... She was done and over it last year!

 

You take that and misread her signals.

 

Take a course in body language and learn about focused energy... Her energy hasn't been directed at you for a long time - yet you "touch her" the minute you're close by.

 

Then you start up with a new gal (or several) when your heart is still focused on what you don't have (your wife) - that's not fair o the new gal!

 

Educated yourself on being connected to the energy in the world - it should help you get into sync with a more positive purpose.

[Caldespair]

I am always humbled by the interest, comments and guidance from all of you.

 

I don't know the grand scheme of life and beyond.

I know what I can control. I know what I cannot.

I may be/am losing at the marriage.

I go to therapy once a week to look at myself. To try and be a better human being.

My focus is my two kids. They are my reason to get up and continue.

 

Always wise stead - I tried the rejoiner with her 3 times in first 3 months. I told her how I felt, apologized etc.

I have been and attempting to live my best life- was u who said, treat all with compassion and kindness? That has been my default for most of my life.

Not claiming to be perfect or without areas that need work.

Sometime life knocks us back and we do the best we can.

 

Sunny in moth 2 she told me - how can we get back together after all the crap e mails I wrote to your family? She was in a tough spot, after spewing hatred to my family members (save my sister) who she loved. My family was hers. She must feel shame for those e mails she wrote to my parents (my mother was her mother my ex always claimed).

 

Again all input is appreciated