Author Caldespair Posted June 15, 2013 Author Share Posted June 15, 2013 Darn I lost my 3 paragraph comment ! Will get back to it soon. Sunny I had retort to your comment above- she tried big time to work it out, wanted to go to a new therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 What is your plan to do that work on yourself - that you referred to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caldespair Posted June 17, 2013 Author Share Posted June 17, 2013 Random fathers day detour Just ended my 5 day break from the real world. Went to pick up college daughter, golfed and had fun with longtime friends. My two kids just left, had great time with them. Ill be 50 soon and I am pondering: who am I and what do I want in my life? I made it this far and I now I'll be ok, but for 27 of my years I was in that institution called marriage. I believe, at six months out from sep, that I need to do or be something larger then I am or what I have been doing. I need direction and in hindsight I've been in a mental fog. Any of you guys feel me on this ? I mean I know how to do the basics- career, good father, good son, good pet owner, heal up and be better human being. But 2/3 through life, what now? Any thoughts? Thanks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Yes... Counseling. Focus on change, boundaries and effective communication. Take a course in body language. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Sorry I was laughing too hard at Cal's post to offer anything substantial..... Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Caldespair, they say that 50 is the new 40, so it's not unrealistic to expect to have a re-evaluation of your life at that point. Mine really started at 45 and is still continuing. And for what it's worth, I am still trying to "find myself." Sorry I was laughing too hard at Cal's post to offer anything substantial..... As an aside, I not sure exactly what is funny about what he said. It actually confirms that he appears to be on track to follow some of the good advice that has been given on this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Cal - we all get to this point in our lives. It's like it's a forced mid-life crisis if there is such a thing. Entire life change, everything you used to know has changed. You seem to already be doing things, golf, maintaining your relationship with your daughters but what 2Sunny states above is spot on. Focus on bettering yourself. Start a new hobby, heck, start a business. Go on a sabbatical, climb Mt Fiji...jump out of a perfectly good airplane (that one is still on my bucket list). The point is, focus on you for a while, but don't forget that everything we do in life typically has good lessons if we are open enough to see them. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 As an aside, I not sure exactly what is funny about what he said. It actually confirms that he appears to be on track to follow some of the good advice that has been given on this thread. No, it was more that I realized how we all get to this point at one time or another. Didn't mean for it to sound rude...it's actually good as long as you don't get stuck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caldespair Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 Hey guys . Update near 7 months seperation. Going on vacation next week with my kids and family friends. I should be upbeat and happy. I am anything but. I don't know what hit me, but I feel as low as I've felt in months. I hate to admit this, but I miss my ex. For all the craziness between the two of us, I want her back. I have had pretty much zero contact with her. She's not been off the reservation as I have. I also believe that at 7 months, it's finally settling in. If I could redo the last 7 months, I would have done things much differently. I look back at the crazy grief and shock sticken ex spouse I was. I had never had anything so hard to deal with in my life. But in life as we say, we live and learn. I just wish I could stop pining for ex. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Hey guys . Update near 7 months seperation. Going on vacation next week with my kids and family friends. I should be upbeat and happy. I am anything but. I don't know what hit me, but I feel as low as I've felt in months. I hate to admit this, but I miss my ex. For all the craziness between the two of us, I want her back. I have had pretty much zero contact with her. She's not been off the reservation as I have. I also believe that at 7 months, it's finally settling in. If I could redo the last 7 months, I would have done things much differently. I look back at the crazy grief and shock sticken ex spouse I was. I had never had anything so hard to deal with in my life. But in life as we say, we live and learn. I just wish I could stop pining for ex. Thanks Please don't date any gals while your heart is with your exW. It's not fair to mislead more women. Counseling would really help you if you can get honest in therapy. I still feel you haven't told us significant puzzle pieces here... And you tend to place blame onto others. When you can look ONLY at how YOU participated (without blaming anyone else) for this outcome - you have a chance at growing and being ready for a healthier relationship down the road. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caldespair Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 Sunny I lacked the necessary marital communication to deal with issues. Looking back, I am, was typical role player, bread winner, coach for kids sports. She was for most part house mother and good mother. I did not reciprocate her love - that kinda stings, but prob true. I do therapy weekly for last 6 months , maybe need new therapist? I am not dating. As noted in my prev post, if I could redo last 7 months, I would do things much different. It's just wickd how emotions are so overpowering and at times when we least expect them. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Cal - What has your therapist been telling you? If you have been going for the past six months with no progress in yourself and understanding the situation or reaching forgiveness with better clarity of your situation, it may be time for a new one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Sunny I lacked the necessary marital communication to deal with issues. Looking back, I am, was typical role player, bread winner, coach for kids sports. She was for most part house mother and good mother. I did not reciprocate her love - that kinda stings, but prob true. I do therapy weekly for last 6 months , maybe need new therapist? I am not dating. As noted in my prev post, if I could redo last 7 months, I would do things much different. It's just wickd how emotions are so overpowering and at times when we least expect them. In therapy, how are you participating? Are you being completely honest? I hope so. There's no way to get change happening if a patient isn't giving info, facing the fears and making sure contrary actionis happening so that change comes about. When the therapist makes suggestions for you each week - what are YOU doing to implement that change? What suggestions have been presented and what have you done in six months to change things for yourself/your perspective? Link to post Share on other sites
Morgoth Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 Hey Cal, your EX sounds like a bitch. You have a woman now (or did), always nice having someone new warm the bed. The world is full of interesting women, especially the Over 50 crowd, forget the EX and find someone(s) you can have fun with without all the daily BS you have to put up with in marriage. Therapist and counslleors are a waste of time and money. Enjoy the rest of your time on the planet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caldespair Posted June 29, 2013 Author Share Posted June 29, 2013 Morgoth I feel you. But it's kinda tricky, not being divorced yet and the plenty of nice attractive women I've been around , are all very nice. Opposite of sbxw though and I'm in a stage if I see a new gal, then it makes me pine for my ex. Vivius cycle. I'm sure this will pass. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caldespair Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 Update from beautiful beach location vacation So I'm w my 2 kids, having much fun, on ocean, in fun town, friends , BBQ, golfing this week. On the outside I am having a great time and I am, but, with my 2 kids on vacation, there is the ex missing. It makes thinks more permanent and it is messing with my head. Not that any of this following matters as I am nc except for kids stuff, but: she has no guy, she plays a bit more tennis, and from the bread crumbs I get about her is she's full on happy. Well that makes me a bit angry as I am still processing this nonsense. I have no meaningless revelations to add, just needed to get this out while I had a few mins alone. Morgoth, I have Been there and done that with the friendly nice attractive ladies. It's not all bad. But it could be different for you if y were blindsided by your nice wife. Then it takes y balance away. I always had control of everything I could. Business, family, etc. Do you think if you blindsided that you would be as relaxed and carefree? No judging here as I can see, if I was in your position, things would move along swimmingly. But what if blindsided could you be in same place as you are now? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 Why didn't you answer my questions above? It seems each time you are asked to be open about your feelings - your actions - and what you are doing to implement change in your life - you shut completely down. Are you seeing your counselor? What are YOU learning about the way YOU participated that helped end the marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
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