6 mo post separation relationship

[Caldespair]

Sunny, I hear you. I am human, fallable, and learning as I am going through life.

[Steadfast]

i dont envision us having coffee, but I would melt with any kind words from her.

 

Let me be clear Cal; do not put yourself in any situation to be rejected. Most hospitals/outpatient clinics have coffee or drinks available. Ask her if you could bring her one...say, if you were going to get one for yourself.

 

The whole idea is to push the pain away with kindness. Not too much, not too little. A 'best behavior' approach. You must climb to rise above it.

 

Let me reemphasize; you are there for your daughter. Most of your dialog regarding this has been directed towards your ex. Change that. Ok? Focus.

[Caldespair]

The surgery and meeting my ex was a bit anticlimactic.

In the waiting room my daughter was between my ex and me, and as,i sat down i reqched ofer, touched my exes leg and said how r u? She said fine. But i can tell after spending the time with her and other family members that she hates me. We rarely looked in the eye whentalking about my daughter. But i made sure to be polite, upbeat and helpful.

As before, she thinks I am the devil, responsible for,global warming and infant mortality.

So, I feel a bit disappointed but glad my daughters surgery was fine.

I know why I was with her so long. She's beautiful, smart and the reflection I used to get of myself through her eyes. I miss what I had, but am much improved in the 6 months since seperation.

Life goes forward........

[2sunny]

Let me ask you - why in the heck would you reach over to touch her if she wasn't giving you CLEAR signals that she wanted you to touch her?

 

If my exH had done that while we were separated - I would have punched him!

 

Are you not paying any attention to her body language that screams "I'm not into you"?

[Caldespair]

Good question.

I have always been touchy feely. And when I saw her part of me felt joyous and thus I tapped her leg and said how r u? I'm the one who should be the aggrieved party with this whole d thing. After the greeting we talked directly about daughters surgery.

I think I want her to know I am ok with the d, no hard feelings from me. She on other hand still has protective "I hate u mode" going on.

I did not want to be the smaller of the two.

[Shocked Suzie]

Good question.

I have always been touchy feely. And when I saw her part of me felt joyous and thus I tapped her leg and said how r u? I'm the one who should be the aggrieved party with this whole d thing. After the greeting we talked directly about daughters surgery.

I think I want her to know I am ok with the d, no hard feelings from me. She on other hand still has protective "I hate u mode" going on.

I did not want to be the smaller of the two.

 

Don't think I will ever understand this mode ....I get this from my H if we ever have any form of visual contact ...that and very little eye contact from him!!?! Surly you n I should be the angry ones!?!

[Steadfast]

I think I want her to know I am ok with the d, no hard feelings from me. She on other hand still has protective "I hate u mode" going on. I did not want to be the smaller of the two.

 

Not condoning her actions, I don't blame her. She isn't reacting coldly Cal, she expressing her disgust for your game playing. You're not OK with the break up. You're not OK with any of it. Yet, you want to deceive her into thinking you are. Why? Don't you realize that she sees right through you?

 

This is why I wrote what I wrote. Do the words 'be genuine' ring a bell? You have firmly positioned yourself as the smaller of the two...at least for now. And never touch a woman uninvited Cal. Too much. Be a gentleman.

 

Divorce brings out the worst in people. Break it down Cal...all the way down. There is no shame in missing your wife. She will not respect you acting like you don't. Forget the power struggle...for now. Honesty first.

[trippi1432]

Good question.

I have always been touchy feely. And when I saw her part of me felt joyous and thus I tapped her leg and said how r u? I'm the one who should be the aggrieved party with this whole d thing. After the greeting we talked directly about daughters surgery.

I think I want her to know I am ok with the d, no hard feelings from me. She on other hand still has protective "I hate u mode" going on.

I did not want to be the smaller of the two.

 

......or she knows about the rebound woman. In which case, you are probably lucky you still have a hand, as hot-headed as you both seem to be.

 

You being the only one aggrieved...I don't know, both of you seem to play the role of victim pretty well. I think you both know how you got to this D thing, just neither of you can get on the same page of letting down the pride and anger. She's going to be a whole heap mad for a very long time I think. Sorry.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

Don't think I will ever understand this mode ....I get this from my H if we ever have any form of visual contact ...that and very little eye contact from him!!?! Surly you n I should be the angry ones!?!

 

I get this a lot too. I attribute it to all the built up resentment - it's a very dense filter through which my wife has to push her words. And subconsciously, I think, my wife might blame *me* for her choice - I couldn't be the husband she wanted so I *forced* her to leave...

 

Also, what Steadfast said. Steadfast, whenever I read your posts I imagine you sitting in a temple on a mountain-top in a toga with sitar music softly floating in the background.

[2sunny]

You are still handing her all YOUR power.

 

She knows it too, my exH does it... But I am like your W - I don't INTEND to give him mixed signals - so I keep my words short and my body language closed off to him - as any movement toward him would send him the wrong message.

 

She IS telling you - just not with words. Take notice! Act accordingly.

 

Get busy moving forward - so YOU aren't so focused on her!

[Shocked Suzie]

I get this a lot too. I attribute it to all the built up resentment - it's a very dense filter through which my wife has to push her words. And subconsciously, I think, my wife might blame *me* for her choice - I couldn't be the husband she wanted so I *forced* her to leave...

 

Also, what Steadfast said. Steadfast, whenever I read your posts I imagine you sitting in a temple on a mountain-top in a toga with sitar music softly floating in the background.

 

Yeah you are probably right...thankfully I rarely see him, it was more in the early days he was like this 'SO' angry and he couldn't even look at me...is suppose resentment and maybe some guilt??

 

Lol at your steadfast comment it's funny you do get mental pictures of posters don't you

[Caldespair]

Stead I hear what you r saying, but if I went and saw her, and acted how I really feel, lost without her, despair, and sad, what would that get me? Don't u think she would think I'm weak?

Also she has know in past few Weeks of nice gestures I have don't for her, baseball tickets, asking if she want to be at my nicecs college graduation (even though my family would be very uncomfortable with her their as they have seen my painful journey) and also am giving her more money then required amounts.

As far as touching her and being a gentleman -- I am truly a gentleman (u guys can debate it though), it was just a finger tap on my partner of 27 years to get her attention. I was not aggressive or rude.

What do u think?

[Caldespair]

Sunny I am not totally focused on ex. It was the first time I had seen or spoken to her in months. I do think about her often, but less as time goes by. I am also doing the comedy stuff with my lady friend (platonic now). I so keep busy, re connecting with friends I've known since grammer school, making new friends when I can. My biggest focus is always my two daughters whom I adore.

[Gunny376]

and also am giving her more money then required amounts

.

 

Just a 411/FYI type thing? This could be something that you may want to reconsider?

 

Why? Because it legally or potentially legally binding and could set a precedence per post divorce?

 

Its all well and good that your such an admirable, honest individual operating from a stance of personal integrity? But you don't know what other alternative motives the she herself may have.

 

I would suggest you pay the minimum that is require of you ~ and the extra that you have ~ ' sandbag' back into a savings account.

Edited June 9, 2013 by Gunny376

[Steadfast]

Stead I hear what you r saying, but if I went and saw her, and acted how I really feel, lost without her, despair, and sad, what would that get me? Don't u think she would think I'm weak?

 

You know the answer to that Cal. Wearing your heart on your sleeve isn't going to help anyone, but you'll introduce new issues into your own life by acting happy about a situation that makes you feel anything but.

 

Here's an example of what I'm saying; a former (US) pro football player was being interviewed on the radio about his recent induction into the Hall of Fame. When asked what made his career so special, he replied it was learning how to be a professional. It didn't matter whether his team was championship caliber or running through a string of useless games, he gave full effort. His attitude pulled him (and his teammates) through the tough times, and inspired greatness when greatness was needed to win.

 

We can help ourselves by adopting this 'professional' mindset Cal. To be the same person whether anyone is looking or not. We should strive to always conduct ourselves with a goal in mind. Frankly, it probably doesn't matter what you do, your ex isn't going to be happy. What's to be gained in a lose-lose, except learning how to avoid it? My advice is to anyways be sincere yet positive; "This is where I am, but this is where I want to be."

 

Real and profound change rarely happens overnight. Consistency is the key.

[2sunny]

Stead I hear what you r saying, but if I went and saw her, and acted how I really feel, lost without her, despair, and sad, what would that get me? Don't u think she would think I'm weak?

Also she has know in past few Weeks of nice gestures I have don't for her, baseball tickets, asking if she want to be at my nicecs college graduation (even though my family would be very uncomfortable with her their as they have seen my painful journey) and also am giving her more money then required amounts.

As far as touching her and being a gentleman -- I am truly a gentleman (u guys can debate it though), it was just a finger tap on my partner of 27 years to get her attention. I was not aggressive or rude.

What do u think?

 

I don't want to say it ---- yes, it all sounds like you're being very weak. Your handing her all your power. Take it back.

 

Stop giving her anything except what the court requires!

 

You're trying to "buy" her to love you. Stop that.

 

You need help with these issues - are you seeing a counselor?

 

No more "nice gestures" - it has her calling all the shots.

 

Start telling her no to everything she asks - without an explanation - except "I'm looking out for myself now - that's for you to figure out".

[Caldespair]

All good ponints.

My retort is: I am doing a 180 type thing here. I would like to show my cards, howver,mad,sad, pathetic version of myself would show her I was needy and that is a tenant of 180?

As far as payments to her w/o being required to do. My lawyer told we could do it both ways, nothing or a bit generous. When we go before court, the judge will see we have done more then what is required in calif d law, and that "could have judge look down favorably on my side"

And w the $$ I'm paying for lawyers , he's probably very competent and has my best legal outcome in mind.

Just as an aside while on this, too bad for ex had her best year ever last year and thus any spousal support will be very moderate. Oh and did I mention the hidden accounts she has in shown in discovery? Ever dog has its day, and one day i will have mine when court finds out she sheltered accounts which is community property.

[2sunny]

Stop giving her one cent more than what's required.

 

And start telling her NO to everything she asks.

 

You need to send a message to her that she's on her own now.

 

 

And she only would have hidden money away if she'd been planning this a long time! So, she's been checked out of the M and looking out for herself for a while!

 

It's best for you to start looking out for YOU! Don't bend to accommodate her - that's like making it easier for her to screw you over!

 

Have you separated all the assets you possibly can? Start sending her the message with your actions that it's now time for YOU to make YOURSELF the priority, not her!

 

Your actions will send her the clearest message.

 

She's the one who is ruining your life - start treating her as such. She intends to be on her own - let her find out how hard it is without you solving any of HER issues that come up!

 

Best response = "I'm sorry to hear that, what are YOU planning to do about that?"

[Caldespair]

Sunny I hear you.

However I'm not trying to buy her love. I am trying to be the "yoshi on the hill" and be the more mature one. Actually, technically no temp spousal support has been mandated by court nor child support. It did not stop me from paying my over 18'daughters substantial tuition. Or other key items such as medical, insurance. I am not required to pay mortgage payment since I don't live their.

It's nice, I have my own business, not having to work as hard as I used too, I did it for all those years and now it's time for me to try another tact as that hard working model did not hold up for me.

Do I love her I ask myself? Answer i love what were for most of our marriage - a couple that played together, loved kids and each loved one another.

Would I take her back? I would definitely try to get back to a better relationship if we ever did try ton r, but knowing her, that is not in the cards.

[2sunny]

Are you paying the mortgage now or is she?

 

If the court hasn't mandated spousal support yet - I wouldn't pay it. If she wants to live apart from you, your M, she needs it to hurt a little - enough that she thinks twice about what she's done!

 

Paying her doesn't make her uncomfortable. You make it comfy for her - she's not likely to change a thing - and that includes rethinking her decision to be apart.

[aMguilts]

Sunny I hear you.

However I'm not trying to buy her love. I am trying to be the "yoshi on the hill" and be the more mature one. Actually, technically no temp spousal support has been mandated by court nor child support. It did not stop me from paying my over 18'daughters substantial tuition. Or other key items such as medical, insurance. I am not required to pay mortgage payment since I don't live their.

It's nice, I have my own business, not having to work as hard as I used too, I did it for all those years and now it's time for me to try another tact as that hard working model did not hold up for me.

Do I love her I ask myself? Answer i love what were for most of our marriage - a couple that played together, loved kids and each loved one another.

Would I take her back? I would definitely try to get back to a better relationship if we ever did try ton r, but knowing her, that is not in the cards.

 

hi cal

in bold

yeah you love her, and yeah of course you want to go back to that point in time where it was all roses and green fields.

 

doesn`t work like that

from reading your thread you do seem a lot like me

not what you`re going through

but the person you are

 

again in bold

I would definitely try to get back to a better relationship if ...

if we ever did try?

 

you are hanging onto someone that knows it

 

i`m in the same boat and i was going to say it sucks, but it no longer doesn`t for me

i`m indifferent towards my marriage/divorce now

 

you wanna know the best relationship?

is the 1 where you are happy in YOURSELF

find that 1st

and the rest will just click into place

 

aM

[aMguilts]

You are still handing her all YOUR power.

 

She knows it too, my exH does it... But I am like your W - I don't INTEND to give him mixed signals - so I keep my words short and my body language closed off to him - as any movement toward him would send him the wrong message.

 

She IS telling you - just not with words. Take notice! Act accordingly.

 

Get busy moving forward - so YOU aren't so focused on her!

 

totally agree with sunny on this

 

but then again she`s a female , i`m a male

and it IS different in the way we interreact

it`s easier for the females somehow.

 

 

but she is right

focus on you......

get `headstrong`

get it in your head that you dont need her

or anyone for that matter

aM

[Caldespair]

Newest development

Sent sbxw a innocuous e mail, assuring her it would ok for her to attend my/our nieces graduation. My ex and niece were are very close. So I thought I would be the bigger of the two of us. My anger has faded over 6 months, and I am in a much better place.

Ex sent me the most venomous hate filled e mail I have ever seen and stating that she never wants to go to a family event and that I am a blah, blah, blah.

Very nasty and it showed my she still is in the angry pissed off faze.

I guess it took me aback. I wanted to, in a way, extend and olive branch.

That's the last time I will ever do that, but I am not going to be the angry one. I am finally in a better place and I wish my ex happiness. I mean, heck, we have two wonderful kids and it would nice if she could be amicable.

Peace and love is my motto!

[2sunny]

Ya know - a woman doesn't generally get really pissed like that for any single incident. What did you do to her through those years together?

 

Think hard - IF you get honest we may be able to make some progress here that you could benefit from...

 

It's not a phase - she has reasons...best to find out so you can work on those issues.

[aMguilts]

Ya know - a woman doesn't generally get really pissed like that for any single incident. What did you do to her through those years together?

 

Think hard - IF you get honest we may be able to make some progress here that you could benefit from...

 

It's not a phase - she has reasons...best to find out so you can work on those issues.

 

again i am with you on this

 

Cal

you are not telling all on here

 

both sunny and i get the feeling you are holding back

 

it doesn`t matter what has happened or what you have done

none of us on here are without quilt

me a million ones:sick:!!

hence my nick

 

but then again , sunny said women dont get pissed like that for no reason

?

( wispers to you cal,we both know they get pissed for any reason that seem fit to get pissed about...and most of the time it`s us men, but thats between me and you....shhh )

 

so ok you sent her another email about something or another

 

cal

stop ALL contact from now on ok?

let go

really it is time to let go

pull back

let go of her , i know its hard

but look at the email she sent back to you

 

let her go

aM